My name is Linda, I was an alcoholic starting in my twenties when I went to work on an AFB Officer's Club in England. I was young and immpressionable, and did have a drink or two when I was offered. I was actually flattered. I started smoking "Kool (tm) " cigarettes also, and that was my new personality. It slowly became worse, it did not happen over night. I got very good at bartending, I started making a lot of money, and became very popular. I liked the job. When we moved back to the US I started working at a small bar, a quaint little spot, where they served peanuts and you threw the shells on the floor, it was a blast to work there. At that time cocaine became the cool thing to do, so everyone always gave it to the bartenders. I don't know if everyone did it, but I sure did. The more cocaine I did the more I could drink, and then started the vicious circle. I was in the midst of a divorce from the childrens father, and it did not really phase me. I just kept drinking, partying and was beginning to be obvlious to most everything. I had been brought up in a decent home, with decent morals and values. I don't know where they went for that period of my life. I took on husband number 2, which of course failed, he did cocaine and pot, and we both continued a seperate lifestyle of partying. The guilt I feel now is HORRENDOUS. I have since been forgiven, and my children have forgiven me. The hardest part is to forgive myself. I had no right to put my children in that type of situation, and they too suffered the consequence. They are grown now but I am sure they have scars of the terrible times. (They are absolutely great kids!). I went to work in a small neighborhood bar, "where everybody knows your name" and continued to decline at a very fast pace this time. I had DUI's, I spent time behind bars, I had major car wrecks. My dignity as I know it now had gone. I was in the blackout stage of drunkeness, My life had gone from wife, mother, keeping a home, to a partying, cocaine, methamphedamine, and alcohol abuser. I thought I was just fine. It did not occur to me that I was out of control. My normal night consisted of at least 20 mixed drinks, white russians, and at least 10-20 shots of Jagermister. That was blackout time. The methamphetamine allowed me to continue drinking, not knowing that I was not even functioning. I thought I was. I drove all the time, all over the place. I was friends with the cops on the 6AM shift and had blackmail material that I could use against them. I traded my soul to the devil many times. ONE time too many. I ended up in a nice jail, like Camp Cupcake because of who I knew, paid for by someone else. I got let off easy. This is so unfair, but that is the way it was. The years following I got a real DUI, and there was no one to save me but myself. I did not know how. I had hit the bottom, I woke up on a Sunday morning, there was a donut shop near a train tracks, and I was in the ditch next to the train tracks. My hose were shredded, my face looked like a mongrel, I looked like a used up old hooker. I was not that, but there I was. I saw a family that had been to church, dressed in their nice Sunday best, coming out of the donut shop. I did not have shoes, nor a car. It was typical that I lost my car. Making a horrid story a little shorter, I ended up in AA. (For about the 10th time!) This time I worked the program, and the program worked me. I now am happily married for 13 years, in love, have a working marriage, and spent the rest of my career working in substance abuse programs. I lost a good part of my life, I try now to make each and every day count. I am a living testimony Dr, Phil. I am now 54, 4 beautiful grandchildren. I am thankful.
Linda
