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Messages By: mistyinri
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July 22, 2006, 7:17 am PDT
 Quote From: speedinc I am a 40 year old father of 4 two boys and two girls 2 are mine from a previous marriage and 2 are from my Long time girlfriend's previous relationship. I discovered recently that my oldest son stole 2 check books from the desk drawer in my office and wrote and cashed several adding up to $800. then I found out that some money that we save for a family vaction every july had been taken from a secret hideing spot in our bedroom and that his younger brother was in on it. I am at a loss here because I never saw this coming, I dont and have never stolen anything in my life. I have spoken to his mother and she is no help. Any advice here will be greatly apreciated. I'm afraid I don't have any real answers for you. But I can share with you a similar story about my own son, 18 yrs old who has done the same thing. He stole money recently from his step sister, spent it on clothes, came back to his father's house and stole more money from his step mother's purse. All totaling about $400. While with me I frequently would find $10 here, $20 there missing but could never really pinpoint when it was missing or really remember if maybe I really did spent it. Maybe it was just denial on my part not wanting to believe that my son would steal from his own mother. Well when he was out of the house I cleaned his room from top to bottom and found that he had written down my checking account # complete with routing #! That was a real eye opener! In addition, over the past week he has writtne over $500 worth of "bad checks". I have no idea why he is doing these things. His explanations are lame at best. I can tell you this. He has a substance abuse problem. MUCH greater than I EVER IMAGINED!!! If this stealing is part of it... I don't know, he seems to make personal purchases... maybe he sells the purchases for money for substances. I can't be sure. He also has Bipolar disorder.... extravagant spending is a symptom of mania.. is this part of it? Could be. To make matters more complicated for myself to sort all of this out and understand is that I'm a health care professional and I work in the field of psychiatry. Maybe that makes it harder not better. Who knows. I think what I'm trying to say to you is there are NO easy answers but one thing is clear. You must confront the issue head on. Take a firm ground. Set real expectations about owning up to the actions and what you expect as "restitution", if you will. Explore ALL possibilities for the cause of this behavior and don't be afraid to seek professional help. One thing I do know is that the action is an indicator of SOMETHING other than just taking the money. Unfortunately you'll have to fight to figure out the answer to the puzzle. Don't give up the fight. The is an answer and you're children knowing you wnat to find the answer is part of the solution. Best of luck and best of all good wishes. :) |
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January 17, 2008, 3:50 pm PST
Quote From: shadycat1 Just a couple of questions, 1) Where did these so-called "Adults "learn that it was alright to take advantage of others, and to hold threats like not seeing their grandchildren over their heads ? 2)When exactly do we stop "Parenting" our children and allow them to fly on their own,or FORCE them to whichever the case may be ? We will always be their parents, that's true, but shouldn't there come a time where we can develope an adult friendship with our kids. 3)and what happens to these "Adults" if Heaven Forbid, Mom or Dad pass away ? It happens to all of us at some point, and now Jounior has to stand on his own, how much sympathy will the "real world " have for them ? Why do these people do this, simply because they can they KNOW that Mom and Dad won't refuse them. I would suggest a contract, stating the rules like a time limit on getting a JOB, SAVINGS and MOVING OUT, and STICK TO IT, stuff happens, and it is nice to have a place to go if you NEED it, but how do those of us who do NOT have the cushion SURVIVE ? Pat of being an "Adult" is looking after YOURSELF and your OWN FAMILY, not depending on others to do it for you, most of us realize the world owes us NOTHING. I agree with the idea of putting a time limit on getting a job, savings ect. I think however, the question is what do you do if they do not comply ? Do you stand your ground and insist that they move out and learn the hard way ? I can tell you from exp. I had to do just that. My Then 19 yr old, refused to get a job after being fired twice, was belligerent and disrespectful when confronted about work, & bills & had a brush or two with legal issues. I finally had enough & insisted he leave after being particularly verbally abusive. It has now been close to 6 months later. He has found a roommate, does not work, goes to community college - has good grades for the classes he does attend, but essentially not much has changed as far as his sense of responsibility. I've told him if he makes an effort and gets and keeps a job, I'll help him with acquiring a car. Still.. nothing. SO... What do you do ? It kills me to see him living like this. |
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