Messages By: jaimie1974
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August 3, 2006, 11:00 am PDT
 Quote From: mt19801 i have been with someone for over 2 years now, living in a big metro city, both of us w/good jobs, and the topic of getting married is the most prominent these days in my mind - its time to either S--- or get off the pot (so to speak).
the problem is this: she is everything in a girl I've ever wanted - huge heart, sweet as pie, fun to be with, cute, ambitious future... but I am not overly physically attracted to her. We make love, though not with the lust and passion I feel I would want in a relationship to commit 100% to for the rest of my life. We've had droubts in the past, though we were both under abnormal stress at the time... thoughI find myself always looking at beautiful women, pining, and wanting to be with them (though this is obviously more just a physical attraction). I have never cheated on her, and neither has she on me.
I know my girl will be a great mother, wife, partner, and co-provider for a committed future and family, and I ask this out of honest desire for advice - is the physical attraction, or lack thereof, reason to not get married?
When you first began this relationship with your girlfriend two years ago, did you have passionate sparks at that time? I’m asking you that because many times- not all- but very many times, the spark does fade but if you have a healthy foundation of honesty, friendship, and compatible values, your marriage will be a strong and long lasting one. If you admire everything about her but she lacks physical beauty, I have to say that my honest opinion is that you are being shallow. How likely is it that you will find a woman who is gorgeous AND has all of the qualities that you love about your girlfriend? This could be a “grass is always greener on the other side” type of situation for you, also, considering the fact that getting married is a long term commitment. You might be having this fear that someone ‘better’ could come along. I agree that after two years it is time to S-- or get off the pot, so I’ve given you my honest opinion and I hope that it is helpful for you. |
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August 3, 2006, 11:07 am PDT
Quote From: lynnfay1 YES he has a job as a matter of fact he has two jobs . not to mention that he teaches CPR on the side. His sister who is 39 also lives at home. HE lives at home because he gets what ever he wants from mommy and daddy ...SPOILED!!!!!!!!! He has NEVER ever lived out on his own ..they act like he is hadicapped or something . Which buy the way he isnt. He is very sheltered in that he didnt get his drivers liscense till he was 22 and he is now 26 going on 27 . He hasnt until very recently ever driven in the snow or beyond the city are .But, since he and i have been together I encourage him to "step out of the box" . Very routine life he was leading . Now iam not saying that i dont play it safe 90% of the time ,However I do have more of a sense of adventure and willingness to try something new and "step out of the box". He needs to grow up .. He has a new car and now the car is in his name but when we first got together his old car wasnt in his name .He made the payments but it wasnt in his name . Its like his parents like him sheltered. It is great that when you are together, you have a great time. It isn’t great that he is basically controlled by his parents- but you need to remember that he is allowing them to control him. Have you asked him why? Perhaps it is a safety net for him. My advice for you is to keep encouraging him to get out and experience some adventure, even small things in life. Little by little, he might begin to want to get away from mommy- hope so for your sake! But…Dr. Phil would say never to give out more than you are taking in while you are in a relationship, and those are also words to remember, because if this relationship ends, you don’t’ want to end up feeling used up. |
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August 4, 2006, 10:21 am PDT
Quote From: texina sorry, here I go again with my post, I forgot some details, they are at the bottom of my post, thank you all for giving me some advice, all opinions, suggestions ideas''ll be welcome, last talk I had with my husband was this morning.and yes, ity seems that this is not going to change...what a problem:(:(( he is 28, I'm 29) my husband family's is affecting our marriage and I dont' know what else to do? they seem to be over me and our life together,they always want to know everything, questions, they've got an intrusive acctitude,lot of things...I don't know where to start...??? I'm crying at this moment today we had a fight again and I'm thinking of getting divorced and leave my husband to live his life with his family instead of "us" as a "couple"... everything started when I came to this country,I'm not complaining because I left my life, what I mean is that I felt this is real love and now it seems nothing and not enough to go ahead ,I was and I'm very in love with my husband, I decided to leave all my family, my carrer, my life in my country Chile just to marry him and to build our own family with my husband but NOT WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY!!!!!!!! I mean a family starts with 2 people? doesn't it? it seems that unfortunately I can't deal with this situation anymore...a little bit about me I am an only child raised with love,support and advice from my parents...BUT I learned also to be independient and deal with life and people by myself when it's necesary, I would say I'm not the prototype of a litte spoiled girl...who get's everything done by others...who everyone helps...who don't know how to take a decision by hersefl...because everyone makes it for her... I learned how to be very independient,and to make and have my limits to live my life and to respect other's people life also...etc, I say this because our problem is more than anything about this kind of situation in our lifes. when we've got married we decided to live in my father's in law house, we were full of bills..starting with the lawyer to bring me to this country legally, the plane tickets, some more of my husband's bills and well unfortunately he didnt' save a penny for our life together, he told me about this when I've got in this country. Well, at first I didn't like to much the idea of living in my father's in law house but well my husband told me it was going to be for a while before we moved out and we could save some money..He told me and his father that he was very happy to have us in his house and he didnt' want to make us pay anything to him ,so I said "ok"it's ok and after all I thought: well I am finally with my husband that is what really matters for now". Once we moved in everything seemed ok, his dad was nice and kind, he invited us to go out to dinner with him, to watch movies with him, to spend time with him,etc...it was ok, but suddenly I realized that something was wrong..we were not having any time "just for us"...because actually he was the one who always decided what to do, when to do it and where to do it...every single day was the same thing...and something else, he smoked, we didn't smoke with my husband..and it started to turn a disturbing situation after a while..specially when I've got pregnant... We had a talk with him about that we wanted to go out just the two of us...to watch a movie, to eat dinner, I mean..."we wanted to spend some time together just my husabnd and I..."we were just married and it was evident a new married couple need these kind of things...His dad took this..apparently ok...and I said this because in front of me he said "ok no problem" but he told my husband in private that he( my husband) wanted to do what I was asking him to do...THAT i HAD HIM FROM HIS B.LLS... and my husband's answers were always "yes dad you are right, or "yes dad" but not a word to support me or make him respect me or even explain him what it really was, "we were just married and wanted our own space too". We had to explain to his dad this kind of things lots of times...in different ways...in different situations...however "he always said ok" but then..." he said something different to my husband...": "you make what she wants...you don't take your decisions...you dont' have the pants...etc." These situations turned worse with time, one day I even remember we finally went out to watch a movie and to eat dinner just the two of us..and his dad called my husband on the celular to tell him: "where are you? what are you doing? dont' you know I need you here to help me with the groceries and bla bla" so what happenned??? we had to come back home because , my husband got worried.."oh! my dad is mad at me...my dad....my dad..." and what about us???well we finally got into an argument with my husband because I could not believe how controled he was by his father!!! when we finally got home,we said, well ...here we are... and his dad said .."never mind..." After a while I've got pregnant, beautiful situation..but so sad at the same time...my husband didn't want this baby...Before I got pregnant he was talking to his father that:" he was not ready to be a newly father..." well I wanted it very much, but wherever I tried to go ahead and live in that toxic enviroment, I did'nt get a good night of sleep for almost the first two months of my pregnancy, because his father smoked...during the night time at 3;00 am, during the daytime from 3 00pm to 6 or 9 pm, so I tried to take care of me..staying in the room...and opening a window..big thing...it didnt' help nothing, the air conditioner and hitter passed all smoke to the bedroom, his father started complaining because I opened the window...besides his father smoked without control all day when my husband was not at home, but he denied it in front of my husband,: "oh, I 've just smoked 2 ciggarretes today..."lies!, we explained him: " please dad,the smoke'll harm the baby, everyone knows that women who smoke or who are exposed to second hand smoke can get as result problems with their babies such as ectopic pregnancy, vaginal bleeding, preterm babies..even .a miscarriage..( the american college of obstetricians and gynecologists) .but he never understood this...even when my controls at the doctor showed up as a result that the baby was too small and I was totally stressed, not eating well..(.eating what his father wanted...never aet milk, never aet fruits, never drunk juices, never anything with folic acid..except for those few times when we could go out just the two of us with my husband but arguing... because his father already had plans for us...,etc), as Ii said before not even after my controls at the doctor he changed his habit...the last time we talked to him, he said.."well, who pays the bills here??? I've got so mad and sad, he was the one who aloud us to stay in his house for free...and besides we were not asking him to stop smoking we were asking him smoke far away from me...outside in the backyard, or anywhere he wanted but not in the house, please ..but he never changed. When this situation turned uncontrolable was one day when my husband and I were having an argument again about :" where to go and when... before his father decides for us ", and I started bleeding, so my husband took me to the hospital, I had to stay there but we didn't because the huge bill to pay for later...so after a few tests we came back home but of course before while I was in the emergency room,my husband had to go out and leave me alone to call his father to explain him "where we were..." because of course he was already mad at him asking him where are you? what are you doing? I need you here, it's time to eat, blabla... we came back home and there his father was...ready to tell him crap against me and the baby!!! this was unbelieveble...: your wife is not losing the baby...who says that? are you sure she is bleeding? did you see her bleeding? "and I heared this conversation between them so I went to tell him mind your own bussiness dad,and please don't be mean at us in a moment like this...I'm really in pain..and what he said??? I'm not saying anything...and my husband didn't say a word to confront him or to support me...the opositive..I went back straight to bed and my husband left me alone to go oout and say to his father crying..."I'm sorry dad" "I love you dad"..and what about the baby and me? well there was not much time left for our baby...that night I had a miscarriage...I was in pain all night long, his father hear me..he didnt' ask or say anything..but not because he didnt' want to be intrusive...of course he still believed the bleeding was an invention of mine... and my husband was still more worried about saying "I'm sorry dad" and "I love you dad" than the baby and me... after this, we really decided to move out, we thought this was going to be the best for us..his mother was helping him to get a place in Texas, with a relative of her and him..I now understand that this seemed a good chance for us but it was not the best decision eihter...I love his mother but she's as intrusive as his father and his brother..wow! she decided to caome on vacations for 6 months to live here in front of us...right now it's not here because she'll get a surgery but after that she'll be back, no comments. The night before we moved out, I decided to talk with his father:no hard feelings "DAD", thank you for having us in your house, I really want to start a new relationship with you as a father and a daughter..you'll be welcome in our house in Texas, what happened about the baby was something very sad but I don't bwant to blame anyone, etc" I was being honest at him, etc, everything seemed ok between his father and me...but as always he was being the "wolf with lamb skin"..why? one or two days before he told my husband to make a new e-mail...and the same night after our conversation on the chat ( we made it like this because I guess we didn't want to show up emotions to eahc other or something like that...anyways I started the conversation, I 've got proof of this in my e-mail) he sent my husband a nasty e-mail talking against me and how muhc he wanted his son back...and even talking about our intimate life ,trying to tell him that love was more than what we have in our lifes...even he told him to think about me as not the only one in this world to have a family..." ( great advice from a old man with "pornography habits", he spent hours looking at those web sites and even my husband had one of those "videos" on his computer...no more comments about this). well, we found out about this e-mail because even if his father told me not to tell me his new e-mail address we shared it with my husband, the same way he knews mine.My husband didn't want to tell him anything! he said...I dont' want to hurt him...it is not right what he made but I dont' want to hurt him and what about me his wife??? are you afraid of him? what's wrong with you ,I told him and I added "you need to stop this situations" please "I can not be the one who always support herself..aren't you my husband? make him respect me please"... I told my husband but he didn't do anything...so I had to took the phone to call him and ask him why he made that? why he wrote that e-mail? why he didn;t tell me those things on my face? was he trying to make us fight and end our life together trying to put crap in my husband's mind? but his father didnt' say a word and hang up the celular... after this situation I tought that my husband finally understood how bad was his father's behavior..how much he hurted us, how much he really doesn't like me without a known reason and after all how bad is for my husband to still have this kind of relationship or believe in his father and his words if what he really wants is to see us divorced..and maybe he is going to get it....:(:( One of my husban's sister told me one day, I'm sorry, but the truth is that my father really wants to see you guys divorced"..."he told that to my mother on the phone".she said..."besides he also said, he's not going to change the way he thinks and feel about you he just care about getting my brother back" ... I told this to my husband and he still thinks there is a hope for his father to change...he doesn't see his reals intentions???this drives me crazy ,desperate and sad!!! my husband's parents are divorced but they still get a relationship..I'm starting to think that now both of them want the same thing for us... to see us divorced or make so bad our marriage relationship being intrusive with our lifes until the point one of us have decided send everything to hell... My husband's brother is playing the messenger..he says everything his father wants to say to my husband..."hey bro! dad,says hello, he says he loves you...he cares about you,,he stills love you...( of course he stills love him after he married me...the bitch) why you don't talk to him? I know you want to talk to him? bla bla, I mean my husband told his brother and mom and sisters clearly..for now and a long time for the future I dont' want to know nothing about my dad...respect my decision...he doesn't respect my wife, what he did was wrong and bla bla... I say bla bla, because this is what I think sounds to my husband's family..., his mom told him to forgive him and I dont' know what else...I mean isn't my husband the one who is supposed to decide what to do? I dont' want to become his mother eighter, and this is not all, every time his brother call us is to ask my husband.."how are you doing and your wife, is everything ok between you two? are you happy with your wife? Please God! WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE THOSE...DOESN'T HE HAS A LIFE? it's ok if you say how you are doing, but it's not ok ask and ask with the intention of what??? to know what? why? does he expect to hear that we are getting divorced? Please, his brother just got married...and until I know he calls his mom to ask her what to do with his new life... and he has problems because his wife has a intrusive family also...and I bet he doesn't like it...so then why they act that way with us? is this a problem with this family? the way they work seems like it is a problem...I dont' know what to do???????????????????? few days days ago, his brother called him ,it was good, no problem, but at the end of the conversation he asked him if I wanted anything with the church..and my husband as always started to give explanations..well, yes, she does,,bla, bla, so I asked him what's wrong? they dont' know we can't go to the church because you work almost every sunday???? so my husband called him back to tell him ( because I told him please, stop these situations, it seems like we are or I'm the center of all your family's conversations, what happens with their own lifes???) so , he told him we 've decided not to talk anything about our marriage...what we do? when? what are we going to do? only if we want to share something we'll talk but if we dont' share something it's because we dont'; want to expose our lifes etc, but you know what?? his brother was still asking him...BUT ARE YOU OK WITH YOUR WIFE? ARE YOU HAPPY? until I know he speaks the same language...well, my husband explained his brother that we were full of the crap that his father started when we were living at his house, that we didn't want questions about even why we didnt' go to the church anymore...or about our decisions for our future life together...but it seems nothing's change...they feel with the right to ask everything...to know everything just because they are who they are...I wonder why? even my parents being from a different country and culture as anyone could say...dont' make my life unsoportable asking me questions and being intrusive about my life with my husband..they respect my life, they know that they'll only give me an advice if I ask for it or if I talk about my problems with them..or sometimes they'll just listen to me and won't say anything because my phone call is not to ask for help and it's just to talk and be listened by someone in my own language... what the hell is wrong with this family?? my husband told me this is the way people is here in the U.S.A, I can't believe it...I think that this just shows a toxic family ,am I wrong? I havent' a problem if they ask me how I'm doing, what were you doing today, are you studying yet or not? I mean this kind of questions, but what about my husband and me together? other example now I'm getting my green card, and I was thinking to get a job, but I dont' want to explain why or why not I want to choose one kind of job instead of other...I dont' want suggestions about what to do? where to work? how many jobs to get? or tell them how much money I 'll make? this is what I 've already hear from some of them in this family, besides everything we do is going straight to my husband's father ,because my mother in law talks to him on the phone about us, because my husband's brother talk to him on the phone and they keep him updated about everything we do...I wonder what is going to happen if we want to move out again...we 'll have to ask for their permission? One more example of what is happening here today before our last argument...my husband took the phone to call his mother...because yesterday "we asked her "to tell my husband's brother "again"..to mind his own bussiness not playing the messenger again...and we had decided to tell his mom also our decision about our life, if we wanted to talk about anything we'll tell them and if we dont' say anything it's because we don't have anything to say and we are ok....but suddenly my husband forgot everything...he said: "oh! I can't remember..so he gave me the phone to tell her, and I think she understood everything wrong..or she is hard headed, sorry but I dont' know what to say or think!!!!!!!!!!!. "she said, so your husband is not aloud to have a relationship with anyone and cut off with everyone in his family",(and of course the one who doesn't aloud this is me...) I told her, my husband never told his brother to end their relationship, he told him not to talk or not to ask questions about our marriage...," then"..I told her "and about the rest of the family you've not been told we dont' want you in our life , we want people in our life this way: "we just want to be free of giving explanations of everything we do ...or how we do it..." then she said, "what is wrong with you guys?" and I said "nothing"! ," mom you know a marriage takes decisions between the husband and wife and the wife and husband...if not why my husband didn't get married with you then... or his sister... that way everything can be between the family " and then she said " absolutely nothing to me" ...then I told her..."we can not please to everyone but us.." and the I told her "if not this marriage is not going to last" " and I added this new life that we have started with both of us" and I told her also "can you understand that only if we want to talk about something we'll but if not we won't...?" for example I said: " we are not going to answer questions like "are you bappy in y our marriage?" simply because if there is a problem the only ones who are going to resolve it are the husband and wife"...you can suggest what to do of course, but the point is you can only if we ask you for help "... as for example we did yesterday when we told you to have a talk with my husband's brother" but see I told her... "that is different "we asked you for help" ...noone came here to tell us what to do or howto do it"... that is the difference between having a life and having a life because others make it for you without even asking you and just being controling...that is what we dont' want mom"...and then she told me...Listen up: "I'm your husband's mother and I've got all the right to ask him if he is happy or not or anything"...and then about to give up...I told her, "you know what mom, I wonder why my parents understand much better than you not to ask me anything if I don't ask for their help..." the her answer was: silence...(nothing) and then I found out that she thinks is weird that if we are christian people we dont' go to the church...and I told her " if we dont' go to the church iis because your son has been working every sunday, you dont' know that? he get's home at 6:30 am and all he wants is to sleep and when he can go to the church... he's the one who wants to stay in bed until late...then she said...: silence (nothing), after that conversation I feel that I'm going to give up...my husband didnt' say a word to support me or to say yes mom that's the way this is and this is what we have decided. he was totally absorved by his mom's conversation.She says she loves us and if that is truth...why she doesn't understand that a marriage's life starts with 2 people? can't she see that their behavior also is destroying and affecting our marriage?...while everyone is perfectly ok, who are the ones who fight and argue because they've been making complains about our life, can't they all understand not to be intrusive and to ask and give advice only if we ask for it? of course I want this situation stops, my husband...I 'm not sure:(, he says yes, I want tthis to stops...but then he says nothing to his family...THIS IS KILLING OUR RELATIONSHIP, at this point I'm feeling that I can not trust him anymore... I'm sorry but it's hard now I don't trust him as before...he told me that he 's been telling his mom things about our life , so I just realized that, he's doing the same as he used to do when we were living with his father, talking about his life and me...behind me and not telling me the truth about the things and not trying to resolve our problems just the two of us..why???? I also wonder when this is happening??? I see that after all this situation and the last conversation with his mother on the phone...it seems like I'm being the "bad one" , it seems like my husband wants to stay ok with god and the devil ( this is just an expression we use in my country) at the end...the one who is fault because he doesn't go to the church...the one who doesn't aloud him to have a relationship with anyone... it's me..the bitch...!!! I bet that's what his parents and brother think about me now? do they? and my husband? I dont' know, I dont' know what he thinks...he is so smart ,he works and his great at doing many things... I remember one day his mother told me: "my son is so low selfstime"...and I told her..not mom, he is not like that...,and then I told her " think about this..everything he is doing with his life now, working 2 jobs, trying to buil his new family with me, everything he has made it by his own way...I mean noone has been there to tell him what to do or how to do it every single day of his life...he has plans for his life, he knows he can get what he wants and what he wants for his life...so I dont' see him with a low-selfestime...I think now if she is proyecting herself on him??? all her fears, insecurities and problems????after all with alll the respect she deserves she has been divorced 2 times until now and I don't think she has resolved her life completely. and it's not ready to give a good advice of how to live your life? is she?..so why she insist in giving advice without being asked for it or why she insists in being behind her son all time??? I wonder why my husband changes so fast in front and with his parents, with his family he is totally different, his mind, his life, everything seems absorved by them, it's just one phone call between him and someone from his family and then all the agreements or decisions between us disapear that fast... help,please!!! I dont' know what else to do, I'm really thinking of getting divorced and giving up my life...I have tried to be clear about our life with his family..but I see no results and everything seems getting worse...I'm also bored of being the one who speaks and try to fix and explain things... I'm willing to even go to dr 's phil show if it is necesary, I'M REALLY DESPERATE. thank you. Your husband is allowing his family to have way to much control over him- but of course, you already knew that! This is very sad to say, but you know that this situation is too stressful for you; you know, deep down, that your husband will never change; you know that this isn’t the type of environment you want to raise a family in- the list of toxic things that you already know goes on and on. So why do you stay? Are you hoping that somehow, your husband will magically change? He won’t. He hasn’t yet, and he won’t anytime soon. He has allowed his family to control his life for so long that he can’t be without them, he is too emotionally insecure to detach from his family. What you have described is horrible, you don’t deserve to live this way!! You deserve so much more. It sounds like you were a bit tricked to get you here. Do you feel resentful because of that? I know that I would. It feels bad to be made out to be the ‘bad’ person, but it isn’t going to get any better. You will always be the bad person, because you are the ‘outsider’ who is taking the golden son away from his family, that is how they see you, even though it isn’t true- but your husband doesn’t have the courage to tell them to butt out. So, they will continue to control and dominate your life until you gather your courage to get out from under them. I really do wish you the best, you can have it, you need to get out of this situation. |
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August 4, 2006, 10:35 am PDT
Quote From: vilanie1 I have been reading some of your stories posted. Then once again i get a smile on my face, knowing that my life is smooth sailing. I am divorced (and get along with my ex very well), have two wonderful boys who live with my ex, and the best fiance in the whole world. Yes, it's tough not having my children with me but all is going so well. I wonder why some people have so much problems in their relationships. Communicating, sex, trust, passion. I have non of those problems. We talk about everything, and i mean everything. Sex is fantastic!!!!!!! Trust, you will not find two people more trusting of each other than us. Passion and all the bits and pieces are there. We work together, and not even that seems to cause any problems. He is a pilot and i am a Flight Attendant and we work in Nigeria on a private jet.
Porn?? Stripclubs?? I dont get why woman make such a fuss about it. We watch porn together, go to stripclubs and just have loads of fun. He is a gentleman in every word. After 2 years of being together, he still buys me flowers, opens the car door, pulls out the chair in a restaurant. We kiss and hug and hold each other like we used to way in the beginning. Nothing has changed. Our love just grows stronger and better by the minute.
He loves my children and we cant wait to get married and have children of our own some day. I just think life is to short an love to great to put up with nitty gritty stuff that makes your life sad and unforfilled.
Maby im just lucky, or maby some of you are just not trying hard enought. There is bad in all of us, but so is good. Before the bad in me in and fiance show, we talk about it. I am sorry, is the strongerst healer in the world and I love you, the core of who i am.
Life is what you make of it!! Life can be all you want it to be!!! Good luck to all of you, i know those who feel that the end is near, will find peace and happiness in their hearts and a life full of love and passion and funfilled sunshine days!! Then why are you here? |
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August 4, 2006, 10:41 am PDT
Quote From: asparagus My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have been living together for about 1 and a half. I am 27, he is 25. We have never had an easy relationship. There are constant problems. In the past 4 months, though, things have started getting better. His main problem with the relationship is sex(!). He has always maintained we don't have enough. I don't doubt this. There are times we might have sex once in 2 weeks. His 2 ex-girlfriends were always 'on tap' for him. His most recent ex, while a bit mental, was a perfect girlfriend in terms of sex. Never said no, always did things perfectly, etc. I don't have a very high sex drive. We have also never mentally connected during sex. This has been a problem for me. I don't know how to completley explain what that means. I'll refer to an ex to try and clarify. (During sex, we'd stop and just look at each other. It felt like we had merged into one person). My current partner has no idea what I mean when I tell him this. He has never experianced that kind of connection with someone. While our sex has never been consistantly fantastic, there have been a few really good times. And I do enjoy it once it's underway. Last night, we were talking. He went to say something,and stopped. I said "Spit it out. You can't say something and stop". So he did. He told me in the entire time we had been together, not once had he ever enjoyed it. He said most of the time, and I quote "It was a way to get a load out". As you can imagine, it has shattered me. While I knew we weren't great, I at no moment thought we were this bad. The talk went on for a while. I did admit to him that I had never shown him what I like (i find it so awkward, and don't ever want to embarrass him). He openly admitted to me he has no compassion, and he knew he was a c**t (sorry, his words). After much heated talk, we ended up having sex(I know, ridiculous, eh?). And I don't think it was that bad. I did open up more. But this is what it all seems to come down to. He has a problem, it becomes mine, and I try to fix it (granted sometimes I dont try that hard). But when I have a problem, he leaves it at that. My problem. I am optimistic. He is as pessamistic as they come. I am going on an overseas holiday in 3 days, on my own, to see family. This has left me spinning. I asked him today, "do you feel as though you should apologise for what you said?". He said, no, he meant it. I then said, "well, I mean apologise for upsetting me so much". He said no again. This is a bit of a vent, but all the advice I can get, the better. Thanks for reading this far. It does sound kind of useless. “Get a load out?” how disgusting. You have been a depository for him, how crude. And he doesn’t even feel the need to apologize for hurting your feelings? Come on, he could atleast say sorry for hurting you. It sounds like you already know what needs to be done. Are you waiting for him to break up with you first? If/when it happens, you need to know that it was bound to come to an end soon. You both have just been waiting for and end. Waiting for someone or something better to come along. You don’t have to live this way, you deserve much more! |
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August 4, 2006, 8:30 pm PDT
Quote From: npkxray1 I have a 19 year old daughter who is about to marry a 23 year old man who she barely knows. They met through a friend and their whole realtionship has been oline, on the phone, and a few weekend get togethers that we had no idea about. She totally kept this relationship quiet until one week before she graduated high school. My husband and I married at 18 and had her 6 months later. We are well aware how hard life is when you have no college education and are trying to pay bills and survive on the menial income you are able to get without a degree or training. This young man is in the Navy and has 4 years left to serve. My daughter seems to think that she will be able to pay all her bills, work part time, and go to school full time on his imcome and her part time income that will most likely be minimum wage. We have always instilled in her how important an education is. She has basically told us "F U" I am doing whatever I want to do. She had the opportunity to go to school tuition free due to the lottery scholarship in our state. Now she will have to pay out of state tuition and still try to work and pay bills and study and make her new husband happy all at the same time. We have tried to make her understand that if it is ment to be and this young man is her destiny, it wont matter if they get married now or in 4 years when he has gotten out of the service and she has her degree. I really feel like she is trying to branch out on her own and be independant, but doing it by getting married is so wrong. She plans to leave this weekend. We are so hurt and disappointed, but what are we to do? We cant make her stay home. She is no longer a minor. If you have any advise or understanding of our situation, please let me know. I cant do anything but cry. I cant sleep and it is taking a very heavy toll on my marriage as well. We have only met this young man once and were not very impressed. He is disrespectful to us and her and even his own family. I dont even think they know what his plans are. I am so afraid she will get to Virginia and he will have total control over her. We may never even see her again. Please Help!! This must be so difficult! Because you are concerned that he will get her far away and then have total control over her, it is very important that, althoug you don't agree with her decision, you let her know that she can come home at any time. And, let her know that you mean ANY TIME at all. Your daughter is craving her independence, and you are right about she is doing it the wrong way by getting married- but try not to make this out to be about who is right and who is wrong. That is a sure way to get her to dig in her heels and "prove" that she is right, and YOU are wrong. My advice for you is to stop arguing about this with her, force yourself to have faith in your daughter and that she will make the right choices and decisions. I know this is hard, but you don't have a choice, worrying yourself to death isn't helping, right? Its time to change tactics. You've tried to reason with her, tried to talk her out of it- now its time to accept it and let her know that you want her to be happy, loved, and secure. |
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August 5, 2006, 9:29 am PDT
Quote From: math_nerd As a fifteen year old girl, I would have to say that some of you parents are taking things a little too far, especially with your 'age rules'. Personally, I have been dating a wonderful boy since I was thirteen and we have been a couple for 2 years. My father loves him. ( I come from a single father family, haven't seen my mother since I was 3 - Come on people bring on the "Well this is clearly a product of a broken, single parent home". I hate that sterotype.) I am basically a part of my boyfriend's family now. I have spent nights at his house dozens of times and he comes to the cottage with us for a week at a time in the summer. Obviously we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We are best friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend and right now we could not imagine our lives without eachother. Our parents respect that. As should some of you. We have recently began having sex and both of us are open about this with out parents. We are aware of the risks and are extremely safe, using a combination of the pill and a condom. We are actually a rare case. Where I am from most people don't become sexually involved until about age 17, but there aren't many others who I believe share our maturity or who have been together for as long as we have. For those of you who believe your children are pre-teen/teenage saints, you are most likely fooling yourselves. By eigth grade at least 80% of my peers were in 'relationships'. Nothing too serious - group dates. Hanging out at the park. A date at the movies. Going to dances. Co-ed parties. Usually, these things happened without their parents knowledge of them evening having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Your kids are smarter than you think and if you instill the fear of your dissaproval of them dating in them, they won't tell you anything and/or will tell white lies to get around the subject. In my peer group, by age 13 most of the people were making out. A few people were already smoking and drinking, which is personally not my cup of tea. I think a liberal approach to teen dating is the best and I am very happy with the way my dad did it. If your kids say they are ready, let them date. If they don't like it, they will stop for the time being, and if they don't want to in the first place they won't. In my opinion - teens should be able to make the decision for themselves, with the support of their parents without having to go behind their backs. Of course you are 'happy' with the way your dad approached you and your dating situation. You are doing what you want, when you want. I think what the other poster was saying, about your age, is to think about this: are you the same person now at age 15 that you were at the age of 13? You surely have changed and grown in many areas, such as the way you think, act, etc. When you are older, you will notice that you continue to grow and change, your ideals will change and evolve, and you won't be the same person you are today at age 15. I don't know why you are so angry and insulted, what did you expect from a message board? If you are as mature as you think, other opinions wouldn't bother you so much. Something for you to think about. |
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August 5, 2006, 9:43 am PDT
Quote From: star614 I'm posting because I feel like I am losing one of my best friends to a new boyfriend of hers. They started dating 3 months ago and since he quit his job (about a week and a half ago) I've hardly seen her at all. She used to spend every moment that she could with him before, also, but he had a job that took up a lot of his time so I still got to see her. We used to spend time together several times a week.
It really started to bother me this last week because we made plans to spend the afternoon together one day and when I called her that day and asked her when she wanted to come over to spend time with me, she said she didn't know and that she would call me and let me know. Then, after I waited all afternoon to hear from her I tried calling her. She didn't answer, and then she finally called me late in the evening to tell me she had been with her boyfriend and asked if she could see me then. I said okay and I later found out that she only came to visit me because her boyfriend left to hang out with other friends and she left in the middle of a get-together when a few friends came over later because he had gotten home and she wanted to see him again. I didn't bother to call her because I was pretty sure she'd be with him until two days later and she called me to spend time with me...I found out that again her boyfriend had gone out with friends and she again left to see him immediately when he called her to tell her he'd come home. I feel like I'm being used to keep her company when her boyfriend can't be around and that she wouldn't take even a minute from the hours of time that she sees him every day to come spend time with me. I have also tried to ask if he would like to go on double dates with her and me and my husband so that she could still spend time with him but he never wants to (he's not very social). And not only does she spend very little time with me now, but she does not talk to me anymore. She says that she can share more with him than anyone and is very closed off to me. It hurts because I have been her friend for over two years and never once in that time betrayed her trust, and I want to be there for her as a friend and I want her to confide in me.
Also, I am very worried that she is not in a good relationship but am afraid to tell her because whenever anyone even so much as hints that she and her boyfriend might not be together forever and get married she gets very upset. She's a very sensitive person and I am afraid to hurt her. It's not that I think that the guy is a mean person, but I don't think they are a very good match. He is a Mormon and very conservative, while she is liberal and the last person I would expect to see in a Mormon church (or any other church for that matter). Even though they have only been dating for a few months, she has already had many fights with him because he wants her to convert to Mormonism. He is also pushing her to marry him very soon (in the next few months) and he told her he loves her on the second date and started talking to her about marrying her around that time. I thought that she would tell him to slow it down but she says she likes it because he is making her feel "safe". I am afraid that because this is her first real relationship and because she has had some very rough experiences with guys that she is going to commit to him because she is desperate for a relationship. But they don't agree on anything from politics to religion and neither is willing to compromise or budge. I think that both of them would be happier with someone that shared their views.
Finally, the way they act around eachother when I do see them is very worrisome. Not only is it annoying and uncomfortable for everyone around them, but they make out and grope eachother in front of other people constantly. They don't seem to talk to each other much and when they do, it seems very superficial (they only joke around with each other). In fact, they were making out and acting like this even at my wedding (where I had this friend as my maid of honor) and I have been having guests for weeks comment to me that they were all over eachother, that it made them uncomfortable, and that they were acting like they are silly high school children. I just get the feeling that the relationship is very fake and superficial. They both are keeping a hope alive that the other will change: he hopes that she will convert to Mormonism, while she thinks that now that he will be finally going to college that he will become more liberal and open-minded. However, they are both so stubborn that I don't see that happening and I feel they like eachother for what they think the other person could become...not what they are.
I am very hurt and am not sure if I should confront her or give my friendship to others that would want it. I don't know if I would have ever been her friend if I knew that this is how she treats her friends once she finds a guy. If anyone could give me any advice I would really appreciate it. My advice to you is to try to stick this out with your friend. I know that you are hurt that she is suddenly only your friend when it is convenient for her or her boyfriend, but if they are truly not compatible, this relationship will pass soon, and you will have your friendship back. This happens- friendships change and grow, often times you might find that you will go through times when friends pull away for one reason or another; but a true friendship will come back together. For now, if your friend is annoying you because she doesn’t follow through with plans or you are feeling like she is using you to fill up time until her man is available, then distance yourself from her for awhile. Don’t focus so much on her, focus more on yourself and what you can do to make yourself happy. You can’t solve her problems in life, she doesn’t think she has any! If this guy is trying to take over and control your friend, that is even more of a reason why she needs to know that you will always be there for her. If he gets her to become isolated, with no friends, then he will have total control over her. She doesn’t deserve that. Perhaps she isn’t being the best friend to you right now, but she is under a ‘spell’ of lust and fantasy. Find it in your heart to forgive her of this, don’t expect too much of her right now, and continue to hope that this guy will leave her life as quickly as he came into it. |
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August 5, 2006, 3:47 pm PDT
Quote From: trippkitty I recently adopted my sister (9 yrs old) from her mother(verbally,mentally abousive,neglectful and unstable). Her mother no longer allows my sister to contact the other children or family members. This is very distressing to my sister. How can i explain that she can't see her brothers and sisters anymore? her mother will not even speak to her daughter either. Was child protective services involved in the adoption process at all? I’m wondering if perhaps there was a social worker involved who knows the situation, who could talk to the mother about her decision to shut out this child. (Basically, your mother has found a way to emotionally abuse this child even though she doesn’t live with her) If this isn’t possible, the best thing you can do is to get your sister into therapy. In her 9 years of life, she has probably seen and heard things that effect her to the very core of who she is. She needs assistance to build her identity; to learn that she is NOT the terrible things her mother called her, etc. Even if everything is going great in your home with this child, her having a therapist to talk to, someone outside of her family that will validate her as a person, will benefit all of you. For right now, you could let her know that because of complicated adult reasons, she can’t see her siblings, but that hopefully this is only temporary. This is also where a professional’s guidance would come in handy for you and for her. Suggest that your sister write letters to her siblings and allow her to send them. Even if they don’t get these letters or respond to her, she will know that she tried. Hopefully this will give her just a tiny bit of feeling of control in this uncontrollable situation. |
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August 5, 2006, 4:31 pm PDT
Quote From: krissie64 I am a stay at home mom and have been for around 11 years now. The reason I started staying home with my children to begin with is that my husband started his own business and had to work long hours including weekends. I was basically a single parent. He didn't want me to work because the money I made wouldn't justify him having to come home at a certain time for me to go to work so he could watch our child. He said that all of my money would just go to a babysitter and wouldn't be worth it.He has basically talked me out of every job I have tried to get. I felt and still do feel worthless. He gets all the praise for being such a hard worker, he makes all the money and nobody really cares what I do, especially his side of the family. I always get the "what do you do" guestions and feel so embarrassed to say I stay home with my children. Because the answer is usually, wow, your lucky you don't have to work. Most of the time I just break down and cry in private because staying at home is WORK and nobody sees what I do, they just think I live the great life or I'm too lazy to work and my husband pays all the bills, how lucky is that. Actually I have come to feel alot of anger towards my husband about this. His business is doing really good now and I feel that now it's my time to get out and work and be around adults, but he would only do this if I could make as much money as he is making. I have been soo depressed about this for soo long.I used to take my kids everywhere and try to get them involved in experiencing and learning new things, but now I have no interest in doing this anymore. My youngest is going to school all day starting in the fall and I want to get a job but I am still limited to part-time because of the school hours and having to drop them off and pick them up. Just wondering if anyone else has gone thru this and does it get better? You are not worthless! You can’t allow what other people think of you, or what you think that they think of you, to drag you down. Being a stay at home mother is work, really hard work, and anyone who doesn’t agree doesn’t know what they are talking about. I think that sometimes, people say things without even thinking about it first. They might just assume that taking care of children and a household isn’t work, but we know different. You are making personal sacrifices to be a stay at home mother. Don’t allow anyone to ever make you doubt that you are a person contributing to our society!! By being a stay at home mother, you are raising children who will feel secure knowing that mom is there for them. Your children are benefiting in ways that you don’t even know just yet, but that you will be able to see later on in life. Nurturing our children is the most important job in the world. I know exactly how you are feeling, I felt that way too. When my youngest started to be in school all day, I slowly started taking classes at a nearby college. This was so helpful because it gave me a sense of accomplishment outside of the home, I felt so much better about myself. I also made new friends and acquaintances. The resentment I used to feel towards my husband, because, lucky him, he got to go to work and be around adults, has been replaced by respect. It is a newfound respect, though- I feel that I respect him more because he respects ME more. He knows that I am taking care of the children, the home, the pets, and managing to stay on the Dean’s list- and that’s impressive- something to brag about, even. A few years ago, at a Christmas party at my husband’s job, someone asked me, “so, what do you do?” I said that I was a stay at home mother. The reply: ‘oh.’ What I heard in that ‘oh’ was, kind of like, ‘hmm, sorry to hear that.’ Very frustrating, very disrespectful, and very disappointing because that is what people think of the women who are raising the future productive, respectful, responsible citizens? Now when I’m asked that same question, I say, “I’m a full time stay at home mom, part time student.” And people say, ‘oh, what is your major?’ Every time, they don’t say, ‘oh, how old are your children?’ or ask me about my family. But I feel so different now that I have a bit of a life outside of the home, it just doesn’t get me down that people think that way, because I’m the one living my life and I know that raising my children and keeping an orderly home is real work. I think the key is to start to get a life of your own outside of the home. Even if it is a small, part time job that can be flexible with you because of your children’s school hours, or taking a class, just something that is for YOU. A separate identity. You don’t deserve to suffer depression any longer over this. You deserve to be happy and have a fulfilling life. |
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