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Messages By: jaimie1974
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August 6, 2006, 6:54 am PDT
 Quote From: bartoe Thank you both for your opinions. I have talked to alot of people, this is something I have been thinking of doing for about a year. I have been back and forth. My sons father does not want me to take his only son away, but he says I will never be happy unless I try it. Their relationship is the only thing stopping me. I wanted to hear from a guy that actually cares for his children. I have two different fathers for my children, my daughters father could care less if he ever sees her again. But anyway, I have made alot of bad choices in my life and this little town I live in does not let you forget. I had a child at 14 and that is how I am known so well. (hey she had a baby at 14). That is what I feel on a daily basis. I am 33. I've been through the police academy but could not get a good job in law enforcement around here. I started working for a Sheriffs Office north of where I live and went through complete hell. I was with my sons father at this time and all he could say is that I need to deal with it. I have no support from him. I know I am going in circles but this is the way I have been. I sit here one minute and say ok I will not go, then I get so depressed that I no longer want to be here! (at all)! It is so hard to make up for the past. I have spent the past 19 years trying to. People do not look at the fact I have raised my daughter by myself, not on welfare, no help from her dad, he paid 20.00 per wk. and was still 6000.00 behind in support when she was 14. But do you think he gets the bull I deal with, no because he moved to Arizona. I just want to do something for me for once. But at the same time I am not a selfish person that wants to hurt my son or his father. So thank you both for taking time to give me your opinion. They mean alot to me!! How far away is Georgia from where your son’s father lives? I think that if your son and his father have a strong bond, then they always will- they don’t have to see one another physically to continue that bond. Your son is only 7, but if he wants to go, listen to him. I’m thinking about my child who is now 8, and last year if I had asked her if she wants to move, I believe she would know what that means. Your son understands that mom deserves a happy, rewarding life. When mom is happy, everyone is happy! You deserve it, don’t allow other people to hold you back any more. You’ve done that enough. |
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August 6, 2006, 7:05 am PDT
Quote From: texina excuse me anyone who wants to help me giving me advice, when I wrote in my last post ..."I'm confused, do I fight for my marriage...etc" I wanted to say :do I stay and keep my marriage...etc", sorry, it was a "language problem".well, I;m about to go to sleep and try to have a goodnight of sleep not thinking about anything and sleeping until my husband comes back home from work,just really please,some more advice... and sorry about my posts I know they are very very long.but here even where I live I'm alone and I dont' know where to ask for some more "outside" advice besides that friend of mine, who is not really living close to me. thanks everyone. I think the advice that your friend gave you was good. If you REFUSE to allow his family to have any power over you, then they will get bored. When you go there to visit, just smile and be nice, don’t allow any frustration to show with them- and when they ask those intrusive questions, say ‘we haven’t decided yet…’ It would be best if your husband also did this. He has to stop allowing them to control his life, too. But, if he can’t, it doesn’t mean you have to do what he does. Just refuse to hand over all of your information-- they don’t deserve it. They have too much power over your emotions right now, its not fair. It is possible that once you get your citizenship card, and you begin to work, things will get better between you and your husband because 1) money won’t be so tight, and 2) you will begin to have a life outside of the home, and this is going to make you feel better about yourself. I’m just curious, I thought that before you could come here and be married, that your husband had to prove that he had the financial means to support you? I ask this because I know someone who married a woman from Chile and it they had to go through much legal red tape to get her here. He had to prove that he worked and had a certain amount of money to support a family. Some more advice for you- try not to think of his family on a day to day basis. Try to keep yourself busy with an activity that you enjoy. |
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August 6, 2006, 7:20 am PDT
Quote From: nvrockgirl Ok so where do i begin on this...Well I am 23 and recently my boyfriend of 2 months broke up with me but its the cirumanstances surrounding the break up that have left me so confused. Ok so My (Ex)Boyfriend is in the us navy, currently stationed out here in california, we met through some friends at a BBQ and things just took off. Now to understand this sitution my Prior relationship has had a significant impact on my current one. The relationship prior to this one I was in an extremly volitile relationship with a man that was very abusive for nearly 2 years. We broke up in May of '05; and since that relationship0 more than a year ago I decieded not to date. That is untill I met this guy, who we will call "John". Now after we met at a memorial day BBQ we became good friends and then around mid-june "john" called me to tell me that he liked me more than just a friend ( and he gave me that entire speech that men give like "I cant imagine my life without you" & "You are so wonderful" those kind of things...) any woman would go weak from all the nice and wonderful things that he said, and sadly I am no differnent! At the beginning things were wonderful, he was call me every night and talk to me about his day (since he lives on base); he would come and spend the weekends with me- of which we would go out, go on dates, dinners ect...Things couldnt have been better.Then when I felt ready to take the relationship to the physical level, things seemed perfect! Things were moving along smoothly, and then he even proposed to marry me in like a year ( its was one of those 'you are perfect and i love you' things ). I seriously thought that my bad luck with guys was over. I mean I have never been treated well or even moderately good by any ex's so I was on cloud nine!
That is untill july 23, when after spending the entire weekend with me, "john" went home & then he came back about 2 hours later, of which is when he basically told me its over. However it wasnt in so many words that he auctually said to me its over. He said to me that he wasnt feeling the "connection any more" and that he was really depressed, under alot of stress at work, and that he "couldnt be in relationship right now" ( he is being transfered in Dec. to virginia beach and we argued over it more than once, I graduated college a week before he leaves, so i told him before not to worry about it and we will see where things are then. However I think that it had something to do with his mood change towards our relationship.) SO instead of breaking up with me he says "WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK" I mean what does that mean? So then I explained to him that it sounded like he was haveing a midlife crisis and whenever he sorted things out, I would still be there for him because I love him.....So then last week he started calling me and texting me, then Thursday he calls me up wanting to cook me dinner so i agreed. While he was over here he acted like nothing had changed, he then told me on his way out that it was "nice to see me" What does that mean??
And now to make matters worse I found out today that I am pregnant. I was raised catholic so I cannot bare the idea of abortion or adoption. I havent told anyone yet because i am scared that "john" & his friends will think that I did this on pourpose to trap him, but i didnt. I know that he is leaving in 4 months, so I dont know what to do ? Do i tell him or not ?? I have no family and no one to turn to can anyone here please help me?? Any advise on what to do???
Thanks, Ana
You are only 23, you are pregnant and alone- it is understandable that you are scared. My advice to you is to calm down, don’t run to him just yet, because you just found out today that you are pregnant. So, you are only a few weeks pregnant, right? Not to sound morbid, but statistics show that 33% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. Wait until you are, at the very least, 12-14 weeks pregnant before you contact this man and tell him. During this time, I encourage you to do some serious soul searching. If possible, you need to talk to a professional therapist because it is time for you to break this cycle of you choosing men who are not very good to you. Even this one, who you thought was good- ends up being a wolf in sheep’s clothing. If you can’t afford therapy, or it just isn’t an option, then go to your library and check out self help books, with topics such as ‘co-dependence.’ Keeping this baby won’t make him stay, so if you are going to keep it, you need to come to terms with the fact that it is with or without him. You can’t count on a baby to fix or change this relationship, that is the difficult part of finding out you are pregnant after breaking up. You said you were raised catholic, do you still go to church? If so, is there a clergy member that you can go to for advice, assistance/help? |
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August 6, 2006, 7:30 am PDT
Quote From: tooemo Hey everyone. My boyfriend and i seem to be havin trouble in our relationship, (well i am having trouble). We've been together for almost a year and we're still having problems that have happened in the past year.This is my first boyfriend but he's been around the block more than once. But he came from a bad childhood and he was into alcohol, drugs and he was abused. Yet he says he doesn't want to use it as an excuse for his immaturity, but he seems to keep sticking with it. I know we're young (we're only sixteen) but i'm so much more mature than him. Don't get me wrong i do love the guy and we've got plans for the future. Oh yeah and he has a.d.d. or a.d.h.d. He can get very hyper and be very silly at times. So much to an extent that it hurts. We tell each other that we'll work on the problem but we haven't even tried to yet. i'm just waiting for the right time. everyone probably isn't surprised about my quote. that i'm just a 16 year old going thru normal stuff and that i don't know everything. well i have no problem admitting that. i just don't know how to deal with this. Like yesterday, we were cleaning someones house and he didn't take his pills. Therefore he was acting totally stupid and when i'd tell him not to do it, he'd tell me no. I was very upset with him. How should i deal with this without getting mad at him? You are both 16, but it is scientifically proven that girls mature faster than boys. So, while you are mentally and physically 16, your boyfriend is only 12-13 mentally. He isn’t even mature enough to take his medicine- he isn’t mature enough to have/maintain a healthy relationship. Also, because he was raised in a dysfunctional family, he has no idea what a healthy relationship is- he hasn’t had role models for that. But, you shouldn’t feel that it is your responsibility to teach him about the world, because you are still learning most of that stuff yourself!! |
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August 6, 2006, 7:34 am PDT
Quote From: mapis24 I was set up with this really great guy through a mutual friend. The first date went well and we went on a second and then a third. I ended it after that. He was married once before(that is not why I ended things) and said that a lot of their problems were caused because of a lack of communication. So during the few weeks that we spent together he never told me how he was feeling. He did tell the girl that set us up and she would then tell me. It bothered me that I would find everything out from her. So I told him that we should talk to eachother about our feelings for eachother. He agreed and it never happened. There were other things besides his lack of communication that made me think about the whole dating thing with him, but the lack of communication was a big one. I should also point out that I am in college I am 24 and he is a few years older. We attend the same church so there was a lot of involvement from other people in this relationship. When things ended things would get said to one or both of us. Things that were not always true, but instead of talking to me he went and talked to the girl that set us up and it caused things to become worse. So I again talked to him and suggested that we work through things together instead of going to other people. It still hasn't happened and I am getting tired of things getting blown out of proportion because people but in and don't mind their own business and then he won't talk to me. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if anyone has any ideas please help. The best thing for you to do is to refuse to play this game. When you hear things from other people about him, or about yourself, just refuse to give any validity to it. It is up to one of you to stop this sillyness, and it isn’t going to be him. You know that this relationship won’t work, its obvious- because he won’t communicate with you, he is a drama king who has to talk to everyone but you. By allowing this to ‘get’ to you, or showing your frustration, you are giving him the reaction that he craves from you. Refuse to engage!! |
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August 6, 2006, 11:39 am PDT
Quote From: lettinitgo Thank you and you are so right. I never let him around my children he has never even met my youngest, who is 2 and a half. The courts ordered a test on him years ago and it showed it is a chemical imbalance in his brain and he WILL do it again he just needs to find his next victim. This is very scary since he is loose on the streets and know one knows in his town because I was a minor when it happened. He is dangerous and I just wish I knew of something I could do to warn people. Thank you again for reading my story and giving me hope. It is hard to know that this is never going to go away and the pain will never stop. Has anyone found something that helps them get through this? I mean I have tried confronting him but like I said he doesn't care and doesn't see the problem he thinks I'm crazy for still dwelling on it. I wish I could find something that just makes me feel ok, like I can live aday with out thinking about it. It is nice that I found this area and I hope that someday I give all of you encouragement and support the way I feel I get from you. Thank you for giving me hope! God Bless The advice that ‘drama mama’ gave to you was excellent, I just want to back that up with some of my own story. I was also abused by my father and didn’t know that it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have that relationship with the male role model in my life until I was around 12. My father didn’t care, just like yours. Didn’t think he did anything wrong. I was in so much pain for so long, I sabotaged myself and the relationships in my life, I abused drugs/alcohol to escape my memories, but it didn’t help. People would tell me I needed to see a therapist, but I wasn’t mentally ready to do that I guess. It wasn’t until I was around 27 years old that I finally went to a therapist, and we didn’t hit it off- in fact I felt judged by that therapist and her tone of voice was so condescending. It turned me away from seeking therapy for another 2 years- finally someone told me that sometimes it takes meeting with a few different therapists before you find one that you really ‘click’ with. I found one that I liked very much, and I started seeing her every week. That was the easy part! Getting my life healthy was very difficult. I was under the impression that those healthy, fully functioning people just had good things ‘happen’ but it isn’t true-- it takes a lot of work on your sense of self worth and self esteem for a person to get to a place where they know and really understand that you deserve all good things in life. You deserve this. I encourage you to seek therapy for yourself as soon as you can. Confronting him won’t help, because as you said, he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. In his eyes, he ‘did his best’…*gag* But you know better. You don’t need to hear him say he is sorry, you only need to work on YOU. Being able to let go of your past pain will be so healing for you. You deserve this. The sooner you can do this, with the guidance of a professional, the better you will feel. I wish you the very best. |
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August 6, 2006, 12:01 pm PDT
Quote From: anflower I'm married for almost 3 years ago... It wasn't that good...
First, the money factor. He's disabled, I'm the only one who's working and every time I have a work, Social Security always screw us by deducting 100+ out of his check, and I have to pay for the rest.
We never have been in a honeymoon: We planned our anniversary this year and we didn't have another choice than buying at Taco Time to then eating in the car the same day and go buy groceries like we always do every time I get paid.
I got married in the courthouse... Because the nasty ass churches in the town I'm living wants a lot of cash than giving help.
We're stuck on living in my mother-in-law's rented house which we have to share bathroom and kitchen because we can't afford a house or rent an apartment. By the way, my inlaw is a great good person.
Hello! I worked to the point I got High Blood Pressure and arttritis and I'm just 32 years old! So don't tell me I'm a lazy bitch.
We argue and fight more than ever since I left my job on Friday because I can't deal with the gas prices and their minimum wage rate among other stupid issues.
We can't afford marriage councelors or any life coach... to get help... He's not a sociable person. He prefers being home doing his so-called website than go out and meet people in activities or such since he have a very low self.
My husband is a good person but we can't live like poverty level, having a crappy car, still living in his mother for years to come and there's no hope in sight....
I know when I tell the D word, I'm gonna be living in the streets because I don't have no one who could let me stay. But I can't deal with the low-income situation much longer.
So, what the hell should I do since psychiatrist, life coaches or so-called councelors are money hungry bastards? You are holding on to a lot of anger. Of course, it is understandable that you are angry over your money situation; working and working and still, getting nowhere. The stress of this has to effect you, your marriage, everything around you, I’m sure. I hope that you are just having a bad day, and I hope I can give you some encouraging advice. First, therapists are not money hungry bastards- they really don’t make much money at all! You should be able to look in your phone book under therapists, and look for any that have a sliding fee scale. Perhaps at this point you can’t even afford that, but it is something to think about for your future. Second: is SS supposed to deduct money from your husband because you work? Maybe this is something that is different from state to state; but I am also disabled, and my husband’s income has nothing to do with my income because I am disabled. If I were on welfare, then it would be different, then they would deduct money from him, but disability isn’t the same as welfare. (again, I don’t know where you live and perhaps this is the way it works for you, but I hope it is a mistake!) Have you considered getting a legal separation or even divorce- but not really move out, still stay together- but this way you can work and bring home an income without it being taken away? This is something that you and your husband might want to consider. You aren’t a lazy b*tch. No one here would call you that, and you can’t assume that people think that. I know that getting out of poverty is hard, and it seems like the system works against you, too- making it nearly impossible. But don’t let them get you down, don’t let it rob your self esteem and sense of self worth! I hope that I have given you at least something to think about. Best of luck. |
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August 6, 2006, 12:07 pm PDT
Quote From: scared5 Hello everyone,Thanks for the responses yesterday.I cannot tell you all how scared I was this is soooo.. big for me! After talking to my husband again lastnight I gently but firmly told him I will wait if he is truly confused but...I won't wait forever.I told him that I was getting mixed signles and that wasn't fair.Either we try or not try for awhile but not both anyway,he FINALLY...admitted what the issues were and that his biggest fear was me saying I would change and then us going back to the same routine.I held back NOTHING!!!(Which I've always done so I wouldn't hurt him) and I told him I wasn't coming back if he wasn't sure and was just asking because it was safer than losing me for good until he made up his mind and I also told him that the negitivitie he felt and me putting him down was because he had also done that and I was tired of being stepped on.He finally saw we were both at fault and admitted that he didn't want to lose me.We've decide to try for three months and each has some tasks that need to be overcome.I will say he even did some Dr.Phil challenges on paper and answered them truthfully for my husband that's a HUGE thing as he like most men think that stuff is foolish! I'm very proud of him for making an effort and I will try to encourage him everyday to talk openly and praise him for the good he's done(due to his low self esteem)I will not back in a corner however and jump for his every need.I am going to be a new women with much independence and I now know I can do alone if I ever have too! Thanks ladies and good luck to all of you who are going through this I know first hand the heartbreak and turmoil it can cause.Wish me luck and I will continue to be on here for support and to support others anyway I can
scared5 Congratulations on this break through! It is wonderful that your husband decided to take a ‘risk’ and open up, and that you could also do that. You deserve to heal and move forward- both of you do. I urge you to continue the open communication and as soon as anything bothers either of you- remember to talk about it, don’t bottle it up, trying to spare his feelings. You can tell him things that bother you without making it negative or starting an argument by starting off with pointing out his good qualities, and then saying, ‘but when you do this…I feel bad, sad, whatever, and I want you to know that I want to have a long healthy marriage.’ I think this suggestion was from the “relationship rescue” book that I read. Congratulations and best of luck to you. |
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August 6, 2006, 12:18 pm PDT
Quote From: backin808 Hi, this is my first time posting on the boards and I was hoping that someone would have some support and/or advice. My name is Cassandra and my husband Jason and I got married just under 6 months ago after a (very) brief courtship.
So of course, it was a huge shocker to both of us that there were lots of things we didn't know about each other... right?
Anyway, my husband is in the Army and was stationed in S. Korea for about 2 years. During this time he was engaged to a prostitute there. While he was home on leave she married another soldier, it was a huge mess, etc. There were issues with some e-mails I found to her (he lied and said he hadn't talked to her) so which dated as close to 6 days before our wedding!
It was rough but I started to trust him again. We've almost had all the issues worked out, but there is one huge thorn in our sides. About a week after he left Korea for good she told him that she was pregnant with his baby (her husband was out of country already). Since she was always e-mailing asking for money, I just assumed it was made up. Or at least I hoped.
But whenever it comes up, he gets a look in his eye and I can tell that he is unsure about whether he has fathered a child or not. We have recently contacted her in hopes of getting the truth. My husband first got ahold of her friend who said she had gotten bigger, then left for the Phillipines (where she is from) for a couple months, then came back and was smaller again. When Jason finally got to speak with her on the phone, at first she wouldn't answer the question saying "why does it matter to you" and then someone else came on and claimed she had a baby June 16th (which would have fit time-line wise) and she said she did too.
There's a good chance that she is just doing it to upset us, but at the same time I dread the day someone comes knocking on our door calling my husband "daddy." This is an incredibly serious matter for us and we are looking into trying to hire a private investigator to find out if a) this baby actually exists and b) if it's even his (although she was a prostitute she and my husband were in a relationship for about 16 months)
I told my husband that I can't go on without knowing for sure, and that if he did in fact father a child I would leave him. The whole ex-hooker-girlfriend issue has been tearing us apart since for 4 months now, since I first discovered the e-mails. Any advice... or even better, does anyone know of any really good private investigators so we can put this to rest once and for all? It's just hard because the two of us are in Hawaii, whereas she is in S. Korea, and the possible baby is in the Phillipines. The investigating will be complicated but it is possible. Have you simply done a Google search for private investigators in your area? That is a good place to start, tell them your story and they will give you an estimate on the cost. There is a high probability that this woman just said these things in hope that she would get her man back, and that she is still making it up so she doesn’t appear to be a liar. If the baby is in the Philippines, does that mean she gave it up for adoption or something? Don’t you think she would have tried harder to get money, etc., by contacting your husband even more, possibly even through an attorney? That is what I thought when I first read your post. If your husband did father a child, you say that you would leave him- I’m just curious, what is the rational for that? Because, after all, you did know about this before you married him. I’m not judging you, I don’t know how I would feel if I were in your shoes, but I’m just curious what your rational is for leaving. Something else to think about it this, if your trust is already shattered, and you feel that you don’t even know this man, perhaps it would be best to leave now, before you are even more involved in this mess. I hope that you have someone to lean on during this time, for support, or at the least, to validate your thoughts and feelings. |
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August 6, 2006, 12:33 pm PDT
Quote From: krissie64 Wow, kudo's to you and all of your hard work! Thats super and I am glad you have those who appreciate what you do. Yes and not only do I clean, cook, shop, taxi, laundry etc. but I also help my husband with his business, I sell wall murals and paintings that I get to do in my spare time but not much of that. I taught my kids how to rollerblade, ski and ice-skate, I also play basketball and every sport out there with them. I make them homemade halloween costumes, I do special things with them around the holidays, but all the comments I get in return are "You stay at home, so you have the time to do that kind of stuff, we work so we can't, blah, blah, blah. It's nice to know that their are people out there that do support what I do and don't put me down for it. Thanks for the reply. We make home made Halloween costumes, too! I say ‘we’ because the kids are in on it now, too, they bring me their ideas, etc. You need to find a way to take anything negative and turn it into something positive. It isn’t easy. You have the hardest job in the world! Raising the children of our future to be responsible people. I know I already said that- but its so important to remember that. There are working mothers who can’t take the time to address problems/ issues with their kids, because they are too busy, and they don’t want to admit their kid might have a problem- there is too much guilt and blame involved. Its sad. (Please recognize that I’m not saying ALL working parents are like that, but there are some like that) School starts soon, right? My kids go back Aug. 30, can’t wait to have time for me! I also paint- watercolor is my medium of choice. I’m happy that I gave you some positive encouragement. Its so important to have time for yourself, do something that makes you happy, and gives you a separate identity from being a mom. |
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