Messages By: jaimie1974

Hello,

I am 36 years old. Divorced 2 times. I tried the on-line dating and found a great guy but we lived 1 hour away from each other. He is 42 and 2 divorces too. With me having trouble with my ex. I moved to the town my new boyfriend lived into. I no longer had on problems with my ex. After six months we moved in together. We have been together over a year now. We get along so well but he does not say I love you. I have said it to him about 3 times and he leaves me hanging. Its been very hard on me for now I try not to say it for it makes me feel so bad not hearing it back. I am 99 % this is the man for me but I don't  think he will ever marry again for he was married 2 times be for. What should I do??

My boyfriend of 3 years contacted me for the first time in 7 months this past July. During our conversation it was about 'good times' but also he wanted to focus 99.9% on our conversation on other "GOOD TIMES" (get my drift) but everytime I tried to divert the conversation!? We spoke for 4 hours; got off the phone and that was that....However, over the past month the conversation has really bothered me and how 'open' he was about things about such things when I knew he was living with his girlfriend (he told me that)!

A week ago, out of the blue he called me 2 times the night before and 4 times during the day (I ignored his phone calls) until he called me anonymously; I answered.  He wanted to come and see me...I told him, "NO" several times; wasn't a good idea, etc! I ended up staying at my house because I figured I couldn't run from this anymore and while we sat out on my back porch he wanted me to sit on his lap, etc...I said NO....then suddenly he was pulling out all the little kinky 'outfits' (in my bedroom) he talked to me on the phone about....He was dressing me etc......I told him, how inappropriate I thought he was a month ago on the month and NOW especially since I knew he was now engaged. I trully believe he knew what he planned on doing before coming here....and it wasn't to have a chat.....He told me he was here to tell me he was getting married (weve only been apart 8 months and is getting married next month). I am seeing someone else so in no way was I apart of his excapades!!!!

After all of this happened my initial response was to tell his fiance...but then I thought I don't want to get involved...this is his problem.....I did nothing wrong; in no way did I initiate anything...I did go to his house; but at my house, I did nothing!

My question is: 2 of my best friends (male and female) both think I should contact this girl and tell her......I don't want to get involved because I think he'd deny it....(I was with him for 3 years..I know him)! But then I think if it was me this was happening too...I would want to know?>!?!?!?! I want to know what anyone thinks I should do? I also don't really know how I'd contact this other person?

Side note: My dad cheated on my mom and one of my friends (which I am not to this other lady) saw them together and told me; which I then told my mom...so it makes me want to stop the bad....but I don't know what to do or if I should leave it alone and let her deal with his infidelity problem!

I'd be here all night starting from the beginning, so I'll keep the history as short as I can.

I've been married to quite possibly the best wife in the history of the planet now for 8 years. We just mesh perfect and in 8 years have only had mild discussions on things we disagree on. Nothing any other married couple would do.

I've raised Katie ( subject of my post ) since she was 7. She's an only child and up until about 2'ish years ago, was on tract to being the child every parent wishes for. I'm not ignorant to the teen years, I'm only 40 so it's not been long ago that I was there.

Katie has had everything handed to her on a silver platter for the most part. More so before I was in the picture as her biological father basically had nothing to do with her. This left my wife in a single house hold trying to make ends meet. That put Katie with her grand parents for most of the day while my wife worked. She was pampered. Which I can only wish every child could spend the time Katie has with their grand parents. Every child should have that opportunity. However, what its done is - is created a false sense of being, so to speak for Katie. She honestly thinks that she can and will have anything she wants.

Fast forward to 2 years ago.

Katie enters middle school and for whatever reasons just takes a turn for the worse. Her what was straight A's go to almost failing. She did just enough when she had to to pass. We get councling and have her biological father step in and try to help so Katie would not feel as if she was singled out by us. That ended up back firing and we came to find out that there was no unity between the house holds. We set the ground rules ( rather her mom did and I supported them ) and they had no weight when she left to visit her Father.

As she exits middle school and enters high school - she befriends a boy. He's 3 years older than she. Making him 18. He's not in school, infact he's a drop out and has not finshed his GED. He apparently works w/ his father doing construction as far as we know. He's been in and out of trouble with violence and is just not even on the same wave length as Katie. Never the less, we do not condone the relationship. We find out that not only has the father let the daughter talk to this person, he's invited him into his home, taken them to the movies and has basically let them become one in a relationship.

Katie has everthing a teenager could want. She wears all the latest trendy stuff, is a very pretty young woman and has everything going for her. I even went as far as to purchase her a vehicle in preperation for her 16th birthday coming at the end of this school year. I felt that if she had the vehicle before she could drive it, she could learn responsibility and it would give her motivation in school to make the right decisions, etc.

Fast forward to a couple nights ago. Once again we have not condoned the relationship the whole time, however, we were not so blind to see that in some cases, supervisioned phone conversations and what we thought supervisioned visits at her dads house ( beyond our  controll, we asked that it not happen ). We thought perhaps that this boy - soon to be young man would figure out that Katie was still a child and had home bound rules that she had to follow and he'd tire of them and move on. Well - that has come to bite us in the back side. We found the young man in my house at midnight. He snuck thru the window and thought he was in scott free. Our dog sniffed him out and was very vocal about it.

( There's situations where Katie has had her Cell phone and computer privelages taken away and other situations that I have not listed in hopes of keeping this as short as I could. Never the less, those items we have suspended from her have absolutely no bearing on her decision making what so ever. )

We were in shock, of course. I was not woken until the boy had exited the house and drove away. My wife was the one that hurried him out of my house. Its probably for the better, however. I'm not certian what my reaction would have been in the heat of things.

So - We confront Katie. Asking her to please explain things and help us understand. She is taking the stance of it does not matter one bit what we say. She'll keep this relationship with this boy and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. Taking her vehicle, cell phone, computer and anything else that we could think of away from here has had no bearing on her decision making - at all.

However, I will not finance that relationship. I'll not pay for the air time she uses to speak to him, nor the computer time she uses to make the plans like she did last night. And I'll for sure not finance the transportation that's soon to come.

She's basically turned my wife into a basket case. She has 0 respect for her. She looks my wife in the face and smirks saying, the relationship will continue, wether you like it or not.

My only fear is that Katie will lower her self to this standard and it will hender her education. I know the only thing I can really do is keep her healthly and educated and teach her right from wrong. Which, I have done, just as I have done to my own children. For whatever reason, she insists on making the wrong decisions.

Signed,

Nervous and frustrated.

I'm fairly new...having a hard time following the message boards -- it looks like a post gets lost after a couple new people post so I'm not sure how to keep track of this, but here goes:

First let me apologize in advance for writing a "book".  My thanks to anyone who takes the time to read all this and reply, because I have a feeling that nothing will fix this, but hopefully I'll feel better after "talking" about it.  At least for the moment....I see it almost daily...but definitely cry about it every day.  And, the worst part is......I'm not the only one crying about it.  I need to know what to do.  I am desperate for answers...for any kind of help.

My problem is my daughter and my older grandson. She actually has two sons, but you would think she has only one. She had my first grandson when she was 17, and lived with me til she was 18. I raised my older grandson the first year because she was never around (of course she denies this now). When she moved out, she used him as a pawn to get what she wanted from me (I couldn't see him if I made her mad). She got pregnant again, lived with me again for another few months, (I was the main caretaker of my grandson again during that time), she had another boy, and suddenly my first grandson became "irrelevant" to her (except to still use as a pawn).  My grandsons are now 2.5 and 4.5 yrs old.  My younger grandson is NEVER disciplined...or should I say, occasionally she'll tell him to stop a behavior, but never follows through or never does anything about it when he blatantly continues the behavior.  He doesn't listen to her at all (not a surprise as to why). My older grandson gets punished constantly and for everything, and has been since he was 14mos old.  She use to punish him by using his playing as a "timeout" at that age.

Briefly: The two children get new toys, the younger boy grabs the older boy's new toy and says "mine" (yes, that comes with the age....but....).   My daughter tells the older grandson "Don't you take that from your brother, he's playing with it right now".  The older boy protests that it's his new toy and my daughter tells him "Too bad, you have to share. Your brother is playing with it right now".  If the older boy picks up a toy belonging to the younger boy, the younger boy runs over, grabs it, yells "mine", and the older boy is told,  "Don't take that toy out of your brother's hands, it's his toy".    Or...the younger boy is playing quietly with a toy, and the older boy goes over and sits down next to him to play with him.  The younger boy screams "mine", and the older boy is told "Leave your brother alone, he was playing with those toys first" or "He was playing fine by himself, leave him alone!".  However, if the older boy is playing with toys, the younger boy WILL come over, completely knock over, tear up, destroy or grab what the older boy is playing with--intentionally.  When the older boy cries or gets frustrated, he's told "Let your brother play with you right now, he just wants to play", or "Don't take the toys from your younger brother, he can play too", or best of all: "DON'T get frustrated! If you do, you'll sit by yourself in timeout and your brother will get to play with the toys by himself" (taunting him with the way she says it).   Bottom line: The older boy can have NO toys of his own--they all belong to the younger boy.  He can never play by himself, he MUST play "with" his brother even if he doesn't want to, however the younger brother never has to share, never has to allow the older brother to play if he doesn't want to share. Sounds like a problem with sharing toys....but that's not really it.........

More recently, the older boy is now acting out, because he is beginning to feel that his mother likes his younger brother more (what a surprise), and is now being punished when he cries because he's feeling hurt, yelled at for being upset, and told to be quiet.   He is not permitted to display or express any feelings or emotions unless they are happy ones.  He's permitted to express pleasure.   That's ALL.  If he hits his younger brother, his mother has now begun to hit him in return (this is new). However, his younger brother hits him, kicks him, bites him, throws toys at him, etc and not a word is spoken to the younger boy and the older boy isn't "allowed" to respond or defend himself.  If he does (fight back), the older boy is punished for hitting his brother, even if the younger boy hits first--which he frequently does because he knows there won't be any consequences for him--nothing happens to the younger boy at all.  Absolutely nothing.  So........younger boy can hit, kick, and throw toys at older brother (or actually do anything he wants to him) and there are no consequences.  Older boy does something minor, even if in self defense, and gets punished for it.  Then my daughter makes comments to the older boy such as "Why are you acting like this? STOP it! Stop acting all mad".  Gee....I'd be mad.....and hurt too, just like he is!  Does she truly not know why he's so angry?, or is she's just taunting him. 

He regularly sees his younger brother cry if he doesn't get what he wants immediately.  My daughter runs to the aide of the younger boy (even if he's throwing a temper tantrum): "What's wrong baby?" "What do you need?" "What do you want?"  "Do you want this? This? Oh..this?  What do you want baby?"  She goes down a list of things...showing him, offering him, trying to please him, while he continues to cry and scream until something enticing enough grabs his attention and then he stops crying.  On the opposite end....the older boy sees the younger boy throw a temper tantrum to get what he wants....sees that it works to get ANYTHING the younger boy wants, so he tries it himself.  My daughter instantly yells at the older boy to STOP!  If he doesn't stop immediately, she begins taking toys away from him and threatening harsher punishment.  Bottom line:  Younger boy cries and throws a tantrum, and gets anything and everything he wants (and things he didn't even want) to make him feel better, calm him down, quiet him.  Older boy cries, gets everything taken away from him and/or punished, to shut him up.

My older grandson spends as much time with me as he and I can convince my daughter to let him.  He begs her daily to let him stay with me.  In the past, she'd let him stay if I gave her money.  More recently, she has really cut the time back, because she doesn't like that he's happy when he's with me.  She tends to do this intentionally to upset and taunt him--AND to upset me too.   And, because I know my daughter very well, I can clearly see a small bit of pleasure in her face when she has done something that pleases the younger boy, at the expense of the older boy (I will give two examples below).  The older boy is super intelligent and very advanced for his age. He has a huge vocabulary, and has now begun asking me questions like, "Why is mommy more interested in my brother than me?"  (His exact words).  I told him that his mommy loves them both very much, and he said "No Nana. She says she does, but she doesn't.  She loves G alot more than me".  (G=younger boy).  He paused, and then: "Why doesn't my mommy like me?".  We were driving in the car and he couldn't see my face luckily, but I didn't answer after that, because at that point I was in tears and couldn't speak. By the time we got to my house I was nauseated....the rest of the day I just felt like holding him and crying, but I didn't want to dwell on it for his sake, so we played with his toys.

OR (this one REALLY got to me) questions like: "Nana, when will my wish come true?",  then a few seconds later: "Why is it taking so long?"  When I questioned him about which wish he meant, he replied:  "The wish I made that I could live with you, so my mommy wouldn't hate me so much".  -- I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me crying. 

She absolutely, positively, completely and totally, would never, never, ever, ever begin to consider letting him live with me....because..........that would make ME happy, it would make HIM, happy, and she would lose her PAWN to use to get what she wants.  (her maturity level is way below her physical age, due to health issues when she was younger....she is still at the "rebellious, teenage level" of maturity, and takes delight in causing me problems and pain--however on the surface, she *appears* mature enough to take care of kids, and because she never spends time around anyone other than her young friends and boyfriends, no one has any idea how she really is with her kids).  She regularly makes choices based on what's best for HER, what makes HER happy, what HER wants and needs are....placing those above her older son's needs.   A good bit of the time however, she does *wants* of the younger child somewhere around her desires, but..........not really what he NEEDS.  She does what makes HER feel good, and that's by giving in to him, giving him anything he asks for, cries for, throws a tantrum for....etc.  She doesn't really seem to even consider the older boy's wants and needs though.

Here are some examples:

One: I picked them up to go out to eat. The older boy came to the car walking with his head hanging down and his shoulders hunched over (he walks like that alot lately).  I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that his brother had his toy, and that his mother made him take one he didn't want.  I told him, "Let your brother play with it for now, maybe later he'll lose interest in it, and you two can trade."  I asked my daughter if they could trade when the younger boy lost interest, and she agreed, saying ONLY if the younger boy lost interest (with a slight grin on her face).  By the time we were done eating, the younger boy was no longer interested in the older boy's toy.  The older boy picked up his toy, and I handed the other toy to the younger boy, who was very pleased with the toy I gave him (the younger boy didn't CARE which toy he got). Both boys were very happy.  At that point, my daughter told the older boy in a harsh tone, "Give that toy back to your brother!!!"  I reminded her that she agreed they could trade if the younger boy lost interest.  My daughter became angry, grabbed the younger boy's hand, angrily saying "Come on G!!!!!!!", practically stomping her feet (a favorite of hers) the whole way to the door.  I asked her why she was upset, when both boys were happy.  She then said "Don't you care about G's feelings????" (G=younger boy).  I was stunned. 

I replied, "Don't you care about N's (N=older boy) feelings?....both boys are very happy, why are YOU angry?"  She began grumbling something uncomprehendible.  Bottom line....as always:  She was happy when the older boy was crying, but when the older boy got what he wanted (even if both boys were happy), she became irate. She didn't WANT the older boy to have the toy he wanted!!!

Another example...today.  My daughter makes it clear that of course if I buy a toy for one boy, I must buy a toy for both (even if the younger boy isn't with me), to spare the younger boy's feelings (SHE'S more concerned about the younger boy's "feelings" than the boy himself).  Ok, no problem.  Of course, I always make sure they both have a toy.  Today when I took the older boy home, we walked in, and there was a brand new train set sitting on the floor.  The older boy sat down next to it and said "Wow! A new train! Where did this come from mommy?".  My daughter told him it was his brother's train set.  The younger boy ran over and said "Mine! NO, mine!! NO! It's mine!".  The older boy said, "I can play with it too", younger boy yelling "No N!! MINE!!!".  My daughter said nothing to the younger boy (as always).  The younger boy grabbed the train cars out of the older boy's hands and yelled "Mine" again.  Older boy kept trying to play with trainset, while younger boy began throwing the pieces of the train AT the older boy to stop him from playing with it.  The older boy got upset, threw the train pieces across the room, and was immediately yelled at by his mother.  "If you're going to act like that, you won't play with it! It's G's train!!!".  The older boy questioned, "Why can't *I* have a new trainset too?".  My daughter ignored the question.  The older boy tried several times to play with it, and met with screams of "Mine", toys thrown at him, train tracks thrown at him, and my daughter said nothing to the younger boy.  Finally, the older boy got upset (really upset), and started crying, started throwing train pieces everywhere, and was yelled at to stop being angry, stop throwing the train or he was not going to play with it, and to leave his brother alone.  By this time, the older boy began hitting his younger brother (His feelings were really hurt by now).  My daughter kept yelling at him saying: "What is WRONG with you? Why are you ACTING LIKE THIS!!!".  (I can't imagine why he would be...gee).  The older boy  asked me if I'd bring his trainset from my house (each boy has a trainset at my house....they look totally different and each boy knows what their trainset looks like).  I brought the older boy's train over.....Lo and behold, the younger boy ran over and said "Mine!!!!" after we put the older boy's trainset together.  My daughter said nothing to him.  He kept yelling at the older boy "This is MY train! It's MINE!"  The older boy started crying again....he knew it was going to become his brother's trainset too.  Like everything else that use to belong to him.....that is now his brother's. Crying, he said "Oh GREAT!  Now this is going to be G's train TOO and I'm not going to have one!"  What do I tell him?  It's true and he knows it. 

My daughter has done several things (or should I say, the WAY she has done them) that has really, really traumatized him (especially about bedtime).  He begs me...really begs me not to take him home.  When I do take him home, he hangs on my legs begging me not to leave (he knows how he's treated once I leave, and dreads it).  He stands in front of the door trying to block me from leaving.  When I finally do leave, he tries to run out the door after me.  Finally, on many occasions, I can hear him screaming hysterically in the trailer as I walk to my car, and I feel physically sick.  I can also hear my daughter yelling at him "Stop acting upset like that or you're going to bed!"  The one thing he fears most, she uses as punishment.

I've tried talking to my daughter, tried explaining that my older grandson says he feels like he isn't loved, and she literally ignores me, or smiles and says "yeah, right".   But I really can't say much, because then she says, "Whatever. I don't believe you, but I'll talk to N myself!", and then that puts him on the spot and he ends up getting punished if he tells the truth, so I don't want to do that to him.  Unfortunately, she's very self centered and doesn't do what's in the best interest of the children, she does what makes her feel good, even if it's at the children's expense.  She frequently reminds me of someone without a conscience or without feelings.   I just don't know what to do.  My older grandson is crying out for help regularly, and no one can do a thing about it.  She frequently "dares" me to call CYS (saying "they won't do anything" to her), telling me she's a "perfect mother", isn't doing anything wrong, and she'll never believe anyone who tells her otherwise.  The worst part is, she's very careful that there's no proof of what she does as far as physically hitting him.  The emotional part is hard to prove anyway and she knows it.

I've tried talking to the older boy's father.  They're both young....he's still in love with my daughter, and he immediately ran and told her everything we discussed (even though he had told me he wasn't speaking to her....and I didn't realize he still did at the time).  I'm guessing he thought that she would "take him back" if he volunteered information.  They're friends now...even though he still loves her.  He will most definitely overlook what she is doing.  He rarely sees the boy.  Only a few times a year....even though he talks to my daughter frequently.  She truly acts as if she has one son, and one emotional punching bag (although lately, he's now telling me she actually has hit him a few times).  She does tell him she loves him....but her actions speak louder than any words. What she says to him compared to what she SHOWS him, tell a totally different story in his mind. 

There's SO much more to this, but this is the short version.  I'm just sick....daily!  I cry all the time about this.  This poor baby is broken. He's hurting!  And it's really beginning to show in many ways.  Everytime he's with me, I tell him what a good boy he is, what a smart boy, a sweet boy, how much I love him, etc.....but he's hurting, and it's not ME he wants to hear that from, (although I know he likes hearing it from me), he wants to hear it from her and he wants her to MEAN IT.....and she doesn't even care.  She won't even acknowledge it!  And I've SEEN her take pleasure in his pain! Why? Why isn't there more that can be done? I love both my grandsons, but I just can't handle seeing the older child tormented and taunted by his own mother on a daily basis!  I know how badly this affects me....I just can't imagine what this is doing to HIM inside!    HOW can she even wonder why he acts like he acts?????  I'm desperate for answers....I know he wants things to be different too!  In the past year, he's gone from being a wonderful, cheerful, happy, pleasant, bubbly little guy, to a sad, broken, tearful, sullen, angry, frustrated boy (although he's not permitted to display or express those feelings).  PLEASE--What can I do??

Ok - this is my first time joining a chat room regarding the issue of being a frustrated step parent - so here it goes --

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and share two beautiful little boys, 3 and almost 2.  They are a delight for both of us.  My husband also has two daughters from a previous marriage and they are 14 and 15. 

My step daughter who is 14 years old lives with her mother just recently showed me a plantars wart on her foot.  I asked her how long she had it - because it looked awful and she said since she got out of school for summer vacation basically 2-1/2 months - and it's now the size of a 1/2 dollar.  Her mother never takes them to the doctor and this baffles me that she could let something like this get out of hand.  Especially because they are so contagious.  Just recently I took my step daughter (14 yr. old) to the dermatologist for a bad rash she had on her arm and got that taken care of.  And then just a couple weeks ago - got another call asking me to take her to get her school physical - because her mom didn't want to do it - even though her mom is off of work for 2 weeks.

Ok - here is my problem.

I told my husband about the wart - and told him it needs to be taken care of immediately - for her good and for health reasons in our home with our two little boys who crawl, roll & play all over our floors - for gosh sakes they put toys in their mouths that have been on the floor.... I just don't want our little boys getting plantars warts -- period.  I've been lysoling, cleaning, washing everything and got the carpets cleaned. 

So my husband took her to the doctor and they decided to treat it with cream instead of getting it frozen off.  She had tennis tryouts last week and if she got it removed wouldn't be able to play for a few days.  In addition, this doctor says removing it would leave a scar on the bottom of her foot.  So I told my husband - fine put it off until tryouts are over and then get it removed before school starts.  He now tells me that she doesn't want to get it removed because of the scar.  I feel that until this is taken care of she shouldn't stay over - because of the risk in my little ones getting it.  I can't believe anyone would care about a little scar on the bottom of their foot - I mean the question is - do you want to have a contagious wart or a little scar??  Anyway - the bottom line is that it seems my husband and step daughter have a very nonchalant attitude towards this problem and I disagree with the way it's being handled.  If she were my biological daughter - I'd have that wart removed immediately - and it would have been done when she first got it - or when I realized she had it.

I know that if she covers it with a band-aid and sock that we should be okay - however...my worries come when I know she's picking at it and not washing her hands and she's touching everything -- or maybe she gets up during the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and doesn't want to put her socks or slippers on and spreads it - she also stays up late and watches TV - while everyone else is sleeping - and I can just see her picking at it on the couch.  I saw her picking at it that one day in my car - and when I saw it - I couldn't believe how big it was - I'm sorry but it is nasty.

Am I being over protective with my sons??  My oldest just turned 3 and my youngest will be turning 2 in Sept. - I can't imagine taking them in to get a wart removed when a shot is their worst nightmare at this stage of their lives.  My step daughter is at a stage in her life when she doesn't stay with us as much -- the little kids aren't as much fun for her -- and I understand.  But to infect the house for a one night sleepover - doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me -- I say just get rid of the wart so we can all be healthy and happy.  It doesn't seem like my husband cares.  But then again this is coming from a man who never goes to the doctor - not even for a yearly physical.  I've been begging him to get in since we've been married but he won't go - and makes every excuse to cancel any appt. I make for him.  He'll be 42 this year and I just think your health is important to keep tabs on.

It seems I'm the only one in the family who takes hygiene and health seriously -- what should I do?

- worried and frustrated  mom and step mom : (

i need some help with my present situation. i have been with my boyfriend 8 months and we live together. we already had our merging period where we fought like banchies for 2 months and weren't sure that we would make it. we both worked really hard to get through it and we succeeded coming out strong and knowing that we are both looking for marriage out of this relationship. We have done pretty much everything together that was done on the boot camp including 3 12hour trips where neither one of us knew how to get from a to b. if i do say so myself we have passed every test with flying colors i even said Dr. Phil would be proud of us. Anyways i only have one problem with him at this point and i need to know if its me or him. he looks at other women which i have explained really hurts me so he tries hard not to do it in front of me then last night im playing on his cell phone and find this video called bare brunettes as i'm watching it its more like a runway show because there is no skin. as im typing this im thinking that this sounds very silly, its not about the action though its about how it makes me feel. i feel soooooo worthless and like he could just trade me off on a better model. like im not enough for himor im ugly and fat cause i always compare myself to them. i dont look anything like the girls he looks at. he never takes time away from me to look at things i guess it must be at work and i dont really suffer attention but it makes me wonder if he really is attracted to me or if hes just using me for something. i am a very jealous person and i feel as though i cant breath when i see him watch other girls and the more i type the more i think this really is just me being overbearring if this is true then please help me with some advice to try to change it i've tried various things and run out of ideas. if not please let me know if you believe that this means he will become a cheater because so far i think he would rather pluck out his eye than cheat he even refuses to go to strip clubs with the guys cause he tells them that he would rather be at home with me. HELP ME please im losing my mind

thank you

I feel I'm about to leave my husband after 23 years together for on going issues.  I left last October, but came back in January.  We have 3 kids together.  ( I've posted on another relationship board, maybe I'll get someone elses response here.  )

My real issue is how do I know that this is the best choice to make.    There will be no coming back this time.  I can survive and eventually thrive on my own.  I know I am a good person, and I know I can manage.  But, I still love him in some ways.  I never wish him ill-will.  I want him to be well, and happy, but I can't do that for him.  And I deserve to be happy too.  But I swear he's making me sick with all his issues and on-going grumbling.

Money is tight, no doubt, but he carries the worry in his mind like a festering wound. 

He hasn't touched me in any way for a month.  He can't look at me undressed.  I had gained 80 pounds after babies and a knee injury along with anti-depressants that were for a mis-diagnosis.  They actually made me depressed.  I have since lost 50 of those pounds.  I am a size 12 now.  Oh and heaven forbid I might need new clothes and spend some of his precious money.  I do contribute about $900 a month plus government child  tax supplements.

He criticises me in front of his family. 

I think he hasn't been truly happy for over 12 years.  He can't identify what he needs to be happy.

He watches the bank website while I'm out for coffee with my sister.  And I hear about it if I drive her to the neighbouring town that is about 10 minutes away.  It costs too much gas.

One of our kids (17yo) is very stressful.  I think he's bi-polar, but docs say he's just a good actor with agressive tendancies.  This young man is a constant source of stress for my husband, and on again off again for me.  I grew up with people like this, and I work for a man like this.

We've worked hard to get a house.  We've only been here for two years, and he won't be able to afford it if I expect support in any way.  I don't want his money, I don't want to force the sale of the house to "get what's mine"  I don't want to  bring any further financial stress on this man.  I'm sure if he can afford to he will bring groceries or something, or buy meds if needed.  He might meet me halfway on school clothes and supplies for the kids.  Bare essentials will be covered as they always have been.

It's kind of exciting to think of a new life.  I've considered both remaining single and hooking up.  But I do realize I will need to manage on my own for a time.  I have kids to lead by example, and as their Mom, that is a huge responsibility.

But on the same note, I am their Mom, and I have to lead by example towards my resposibilities and happiness.

How do I decide to stay or to go?  I've been waiting for a defining moment that makes it all clear.  A sign from above so to speak.  I'm getting more and more confused all the time.

Ideas?  Please, Kae

Just a little history- my boyfriend and I dated in HS for 4 years (15 years ago), we split and after split marriages and kids (i have 3, he has 3) we found each other again 4 years ago.  His ex was a meth addict, so I took care of his kids while he worked (by the way, bad idea for anyone thinking about this)- and mom and has rarely been around except the last couple months- (anyway, we have lived together for the last 3 years.  At first boyfriends mom was very happy for us.  She has always left my 3 kids (ages 14, 9 & 8) out- saying they are not her grandkids and when we get married, then she can accept them.  BS!!!  I chose not to go around for holidays last year because of her leaving them out- she didn't buy them any gifts b/c they are not her family.  Anyway, she's always talking about her having 4 grandkids and thats all she'll ever have.  My boyfriend does say- and eventually 3 more, she just doesn't comment.  She also buys them things and tells the kids to tell my daughter that she can't use their things. 

I feel uncomfortable when I'm around her knowing she is leaving my kids out.  How do I deal with this?  I don't want to marry into a family that doesn't accept my kids, OR is this a big deal?  I asked my BF if he is willing to not deal with them if she continues to leave us out. 

Just recently (in the last couple months she has been bringing his ex to meet with us to exchange kids- and after all his ex has done, "the kids just need their mom" and his mom says "She has so many good qualities about her".  I asked my BF to tell his mom not to bring the ex- she can just pick up the kids, he doesn't see anything wrong with it.