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Messages By: richard_woods

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August 17, 2006, 2:16 pm CDT

Infidelity

One important thing that everyone has to ask themsleves is this: "How Faithful have *I* been in this marriage"?? Dr. Phil talked about cheating being doing anything, or acting in a way that you wouldn't if your spouse were there with you. Sometimes the "victims" are just the person who was beat to the punch. In their hearts they are just as guilty, and in many ways they have betrayed their spouse all the same...even if they arent the ones who engaged in extra marital intercourse. Infedelity comes in many forms.

 

R.W. 

 
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August 17, 2006, 2:26 pm CDT

Is This Normal?

Quote From: sjsfrancine

Never thought I'd have to ask a question like this, but how normal is bondage? And what if that's the only way that the guy can get an erection? He said that he's been to a doctor to make sure that there's nothing wrong physically,......I'm thinking that it's an emotional problem that needs to be addressed by some other counseling...Our sex life is almost nonexistant except for the few times that he's taken viagra (the relationship is almost 4 yrs old). He says that he enjoys bondage ( and I'm sure he does but I don't!), and  it's clearly just for him - there's no loving relationship in it. I could see this happening once in a while, but this is a constant thing now. I find it degrading as a woman. He goes beyond just the "wrists tied" routine and has a straight jacket, locking cuffs, dog collars t o bind his legs.....and he tells me that he has a hood. I told him that if he dragged that out, I'm outta here! Early in our relationship I told him that I'm not in to that type of thing and maybe should find himself someone who is so that he'd be happy and I wouldn't feel used.  He seemed to acknowledge my feelings, but only momentarily. He's a good person, responsible, etc. but this seems just too "off" to me. He wants us to move in together. He has his own home, I have mine. But he's wondering where this relationship is going.....I'm thinking he just wants a full-time "wench". I can't imagine being subjected to this on a daily basis. Am I just being too stuffy?

Break up. Now. You are both entittled to your sexual desires, and lets face it. With the two of you it just ain't goona happen. To stay is to volunteer for unhappiness.

 
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August 20, 2006, 9:17 pm CDT

cheating

Folks...

 

It's kind of disturbing to read these forums..."Cheating" ..."Infedelity"..."Divorce"...

 

Would it be such an outlandish idea to say that monogamy is just not natural for most people??....It seems like the status quo isn't working out very well for the vast majority...Even the people who DO NOT stray physically are often at an emotional distance from thier spouse, and thier libidos have been turned off.  It all seems so damn tragic, and such a waste. 

 

I know this is a hotbed subject... But I think the idea of monogamy is at the center of many marital problems..

 
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August 22, 2006, 11:15 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: jill_burn

I thought it was interesting and have heard my cheating man make comments like that before.  So my question is...if it's not a monogoumous relationship that "they" want then why go threw the trouble and expense of weddings and vows to say that that is what "they" want?  Stay single and spare many people the heart ache, and be honest.........  Not natural or they just don't know what they want and pretend their life away...get a house keeper to take care of the house and legalize prostitution for the sex....great life and future for mankind.  How about being honest with yourself and your partner if a monogomous relationship isn't what you want then be a "man" and say so, stop living in the lies, and falsely leading your spouse into believing that you're happy, give them the chance to find the love and monogomous relationship they seek also.  I don't think it's unnatural, I think it's a society of spoiled  selfish disposiable thinking that wants the cake and eat it too, if that wasn't the case why do so many couple struggle to keep their "wanted" monogomous relationships in tact after the affair?  Those that truly want the single life don't bother fighting to keep what they don't want it's not like the work it takes to keep things together is much fun....

 I am sorry that you have had a bad experience, your emotions to this seem very raw, and I hope that I did not stir up anything too uncomfortable for you. I do agree that the most importan component of any relationship is honesty...just for the record, my wife and I are together for ten years, and other than where I am hiding her Christmas present, I have never lied to her once.

 

I see what I see though...half of the marriages end in divorce, most of the remaining half are unhappy...I am not the first person to recognize that traditionally...marital sex happens less frequently over time, and when it does, it rarely has the spark that it did earlier in most peoples relationships.

 

Should marriage be a "life sentance" for a lack of loving physicality?? I don't think so, and I doubt that anyone here reading this thinks so either.  Is the only reason we get married is to stop youor spouse from having sex with other people?  Or is it to Share your life together as lovers, confidants, and best freinds?

 

Cheating isn't just a sex act...cheating is all the lying leading UP TO AND INCLUDING the sex act. The minute one member of a marriage has intentions they cannot share with their spouse, they are cheating. I just think that extra marital sex can exist without all of the lying. Those are the marriages that I see standing strong over time.

 
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August 22, 2006, 3:13 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: empresss

I've been married for 2 and half years and for 3 years I have been copletely sexually active and open to my husband.  I'm pregnant now and he wants to do in every position and I can't becuase its uncomfortable for me.  I'm already tired and my body is so different now I really just want my feet rubbed, not him ringing my sore bossom and having rough sex.  If anything I want it to be gentle and in a position that I can cope with at this time.  But instead he has no consideration of what my body is going through and I should just be on demand at any time.  I feel as though I've commited to his needs before the pregnancy, that can he sacrafice how I feel now for a few months?  Or is he that selfish?  I need help.....I'm tired.  It's not that I don't want to have with my husband, I just want to enjoy it when we do. 

 

Without knowing the entire situation....I just want top present a possibility into what he could be thinking...

 

It sounds like you were very intimate before your pregnancy...perhaps he is just trying to let you know that he still loves you and is still attracted to you...and that he isnt like many boorish oafs who are no longer attracted to their wives after pregnancy...

 

I  COULD be dead wrong...I dont have enough details...but this is a scenario that no one seems to have brought up...*maybe* he's just trying too hard, in which case, your guy would be a keeper... 

 

Take it from a man who is not too bright....sometimes we need to be hit on the head...

 

I also noticed that you subliminally left the word "sex" out of your last sentence...as soon as the baby is born...I suggest going out for a margarita...Oh, yeah...and congratulations!!!...

 
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August 25, 2006, 8:45 am CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: jill_burn

No need to apoligize,  I thought that the "bad experience" was being dealt with better then I thought, guess it really shows aye?  Well I've made my choices and will continue to, and I'd still rather be in a monogomous relationship, if I didn't, I wouldn't be as hurt as I was nor would it still be "raw",

So are you suggesting that your successful 10 year relationship is kept happy by having extra marital sex and your spouse is okay with it?  Because you don't lie about it it's fine.........?  Wow, if it works for you great, and hats off to your spouse that is free to find a spark with whom ever she chooses too.....Like to talk to you again in another 10 years see if you stil feel the same.....Are the partners you choose aware they are sleeping with a married man?  Years ago a married man suggested I have sex with him,  I passed, .. I felt sorry for his wife, I was single and could have, I hadn't made a commitment to anyone, would that have exonerated me from any guilt/wrong doing ?  I don't think so, I respected the fact he was married , would his wife have thought I had done something wrong if I had taken him up?  I think so...I would have been that home wrecking whore............

I agree with you all the lying leading up to, it's all cheating.  But isn't the ownes on the one who no longer wishes to remain in the confines of that relationship have an obligation to free both themselves and the "spouse"? 

I disagree with the sex  rarely having the spark after many years, like relationships, it's something that maybe easy to get complacent with but need not be sparkless, I guess you get out of it what you put into it. When you get a little bored and know you can go find another to play with why bother put in the effort required to keep the spark alive?  Like a spoiled brat with too many toys.........

 I unfortunately don't know of many successful couples either, many are divorced/ and or have had affairs....but I do know of a few....I guess we all hope and wish we are chosing wisely and it won't happen to us. 

I also think it goes more to the character of the person, I believe there are both men and women out there that believe in monogomous relationships and can hold themselves to a higher standard, no we aren't animals, it's just a convienent excuse for having the lack of character, self control, pride, self respect and plain deceincy for ourselves and our commitments, too bad it has to hurt those of us who fall in love with those of you who think that it's just 'natural' to want to "spread the seed", is there a way we could put some kind of Brand mark on  those of you so we can give our hearts to those more deserving?

Hi Jill,

 

Sorry for not responding sooner...but we are away right now, and we dont have a lot of computer time...lol

 

This is a difficult medium to comminicate an entire lifestyle in, as you can only do it in "sentence bites"...but when  my wife and I play with others, it is something we do together....we find other couples who share our lifestyle that we are interested in.

 

The one thing you wrote that disturbs me a little bit though, I know it was not your intention to offend, as you come across as being very polite and respectful. *BUT*...a persons character, self respect, and sense of decency (your words) have NOTHING to do with the frequency and manner in which they like to have sex. The most moral peple that *I* know are all in our lifestyle. I find it interesting that you equate sex and moral fiber. The fact is that the most heinous acts in history have been done in tha name of religion, which has traditionally tried to supress sexuality. The people in our circle live, laugh, love, and will be the FIRST people to help you in a crisis. What you were insinuating is that we somehow are less likely to be nice people. I find the opposite to be true.

 

Another point you make is that you admit to not knowing many successful couples, as most are divorced, and have been in relationships that have included having affairs...well...I *DO* know a lot of happy couples, whose marriages have stood strong over time, and are best freinds, lovers and confidants. They are in our lifestyle.

 

NOW...I am by no means claiming that this is the key to any vault containing happiness...all I am saying is that  the statistics for tradional marriage arent very promising, and some of us who have successfully challenged convention are accused of a lack of morals. You seem very nice Jill, the thing is you probbly already know and like people just like me, and you just arent aware of what they do behind closed doors. The most IMMORAL people I have ever seen are those with a self righteous indignation who attempt to IMPOSE what they perceive to be morality. I offer you the evening news. Coincidentally, these are people who view sex and sexuality as being something to be ashamed of. I think there is a corelation.

 

We get back to NJ tommorow...sorry for the long post, but I need coffee

 
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August 27, 2006, 2:35 pm CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: shannond

I feel really funny doing this but I need some advice.  I know all of the advice I get is probably exactly what I should do because I tell myself it over and over.  I have been married for 12 years this friday, for the last 7 years my husband has had several different affairs.  Some of them have been full blown affairs and some (I've been told) are just phone calls back and forth.  We have 2 children, 7 and 2 and I just don't know why I keep putting up with it.  I have caught him so many times and he usually tells me that it won't happen again but I know that it more than likely will.  This last time I caught him was about 2 weeks ago, it was a phone thing (but I'm not that stupid to believe that), and at least he didn't insult me and tell me that it wouldn't happen again.  I ask him over and over again why does he do this and his answer is always "I really don't know why".  We are going to see a counsler on the 13th of next month and I'm going to see one for just me tomorrow, I would really like him to change, but deep down I just don't think he will.  Please help.

You already know the advice you are going to receive. Stop this silliness.

 

Every day that you stay in a relationship that you are fully aware is to your detriment, is your fault. After his first affair it was his fault, after his second the blame belongs to both of you equally. This screams of self victimizing attention getting humbug. After seven years of affairs you're wondering what you should do? Do you want us to beleive that you are that Naive?

 

My advice is to stay,and let him to continue to cheat on you so you can remain miserable. This way you'll both accomplish your goals.

 

I'm sorry if I seem cold and blunt, but allowing your children (who are blameless) to grow up in that environment is horrible. Damage yourself all you want, but if you think that your kids don't pick up on this, you're fooling yourself.

 
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August 27, 2006, 2:48 pm CDT

Divorce

Quote From: mikebama

Sorry for the long post

 

My wife of 12 years has asked me to move out and told me that she wants a divorce.....She told me on Monday night 8/21....for the past week or so she has been ignoring me or blowing me off and since last Sunday she would leave and be gone for 3-5 hours at the time with excuses like I was going to the storer etc etc...Well Monday night the crap hit the fan....We had planned to go and work out together and when she gets home from work I am talking to her about it....and she says sorry I have made plans to go workout with my girlfriends from work.....and she was like it totally did not matter...then I asked her to come and watch some Tv with me until it was time for her to go..she was online..and said ok let me email my fiend back and I will...welll 5 mins turned to 10 and 10 to 30 so  I came upstairs and asked her if she was coming down....and she said no that she had to go to the store....I completely lost it and asked he not to go..we got into a huge arguement and as she was leaving I slammed to door and screamed i was so mad...well she is gone for like 4 hrs and I am worried sick calling her cell phone and leaving vm's and still no reply....finally she pulls up and I rush out to the car to give her a big hug and tell her I am sorry and she says get away feom me I have had it with your anger and temper and smothering.....we had another huge fight because I refused to go to bed I felt we should have talked about it ....finally I went to bed hardly slept the entire night...i woke her up for work Tues and tell her I thik we should both stay home from work today and talk it out and she tells me that their is nothing to talk about she is done and does not want to go to counseling.....I was devasted.....then she tells me that she has been having these feelings for a long time...and was scared of being alone so she did not tell me....Well it turns out that she has met a man online and has been talking to him all night long on the computer and phone and that have a special connection....and that she loves him......but she told me that he was not the reason she did not love me anymore and that she has only been talking tohim for a week....I knew that we have had problems for the past year or so but not to this extent....Know she talks to this guy online all the time and stays up all night long on the phone with him....I am so devasted I still love her as much as I did the day I met her even though she is putting me through hell......I am hoping once I give her her space when I move out she will realize that she misses me and still is in love with me..... mean while I have not eaten since monday night and have not slept more than 4 hours a night.......I have lost 13 lbs  in 4 days and I don't care about anything anymore....We have a 11 year old son and we have told him we are splitting up and he says he understands   I need help and advice     What should I do?

 

Thanks

sad and depressed

While you are in the middle of this storm, most words you read won't be much help. Your emotions are probably still too raw. But I'll offer you an unconventional methodolgy for handling this...

 

Let her go. Gracefully. You can't force someone else to think of feel as you would want. The more space you give her, and the more good will you show her, is the best chance at both of you both moving on to happiness, whether it be together in the future or apart...you *DO* have a child together so you just cant walk away from one another.

 

Kiss her on the cheek, tell her you love her and that you want her to be happy, even iof that means she has to leave you. It's a lot easier to fight that to temper your comments. I wish you the patience you will need, and the wisdom to know when to apply it.

 

I know that there will be times when this is difficult. Good luck.

 

 
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August 27, 2006, 3:11 pm CDT

Relationship Myths

Quote From: rheeah7

In the last three years my husbands temper has gotten worse. He has no patience with anything or anyone. Within the first 5 minutes he is home from work he complains (bitches yells and screams) about everything. It is never his fault, everyone else is an idiot. Dinnertime is a nightmare because he likes to watch the news and the yelling and complaining start all over. He is drinking more, now up to 6 beers a night. Plenty more on the weekends!  He was put on high blood pressure medication but continues to drink. When we discuss his drinking he thinks its funny he says that he is a "Professional". He then gets a grin on his face like he is 12 and got caught with a cookie. He has had terrible temper tantrums in front of neighbors and friends. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and has no conscience. We have not had sex in 18 months nor is he interested. We have been together 20 years, married 8 years. I am not able to work right now due to degenerative spinal problems with 6+ herniated discs. I feel trapped, and unable to make a move. I am dependant upon him financially and need the health care he carries. I have checked out every resource available for a woman my age and there is nothing available to help me. I have made changes in my own behavior to get away from his pessimism. Yet no matter how I react he is demanding of something else, I feel like I am dancing to the bullets hitting my feet. He hates all people, yet smiles at everyone, then screams after they leave that he hates people and why can't they just leave him alone. (add the cuss words)

My house is clean, the laundry done, dinner every night, our yard is the best on the block because I do most of the work, yes even with a bad back. I do suffer for overworking outside but that is my sanctuary.  I am getting more terrified of that one thing that will set off his time bomb. Oh, and when he heard that I could be entitled to alimony if we divorced he screamed at me and growled that he would quit his job and hide the rest of his life before he ever gave me a dime. Right now I am in tears because I am reading this over and I cannot believe I live like this. I am an attractive and somewhat smart woman. His co-workers cannot believe he has such a nice wife, they ask me how I put up with him. I know I am not the only woman living like this, I was just one of hundreds of woman asking the same questions at the womans center and at the Salvation Army. If I applied for social security I would only receive $310 a month. That is 70% below poverty. No money to move, no money to get an apartment, no way to pay, no food stamps, no health care, and no one I know that I could live with. I would have to live on the streets. I feel ashamed as an adult woman.

 

As a 40-something male, who was once very angry, I'll say this much...I could be dead wrong because frankly we don't have that much information on this end

 

Your husband is most probably frightened, probably at his staion at this point in his life. Some guys handle it better than others. At least he hasn't grown a pony tail and bought a Corvette, but still, there is no reason that YOU should bear the brunt of any feelings of inadequecy that he may have. That isnt your fault. If this is the case, what he probably needs most from you is the feeling that you are on his team, and its you and him against the world. (male egos are ridiculously fragile) Once that is established, the world will seem less harsh, and he might be less angry in general. The tricky part is to let him know you love him, he may not have the self esteem to receive it.

 

I could be wrong on this...you would know better as you're standing in your own shoes...

 

The other part of your post I *AM* going to comment on directly...

 

I understand that you are hurt, and cannot take a job in a rock quarry...BUT you claim you do yard work, keep the house clean, cook dinner, and do laundry yet you can't support yourself?? Please stop acting like a victim, you are setting women back 100 years. There are people in wheel chairs who support themselves. If you want to hold on to that excuse so you can remain in your present situation, fine. There are no words that can sway you. Reliancy can be addictive. TODAY...is the first day of the rest of your life. How do you want to spend it?

 
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August 27, 2006, 7:35 pm CDT

Cheated On

Quote From: topeka

I am so sorry your life has come to this after 12 yrs of marriage.  Keep up your counseling and working on yourself. This is not about you. Your cant change your husband but you can change the way  you deal with it . He has to change himself. No amt of talking will help him unless he is ready.but you will get his attention if you start changing and moving up.If he will go to counseling hopefully that will help. In the mean time start moving on yourself. Do some good things for yourself. Your self esteem and ego is low. Join a work out group. If you are overwt get on a good diet program. Buy some new cloths. Some of your anchor stores in the big malls will do make up and makeovers free. Do these things for yourself. When you are working on yourself then you arent thinking about your husband. You might want to get a consultation with a lawyer. They will usually do these free and it will give you some direction. Power is great. You dont have to tell your husband you are doing these things. Read Dr Phils books. Most of the libraries have these books. Dont let this man sap you self esteem any more. He isnt worth it. You are the most important person in your life. You have children if you do these things above then you will be able to handle your problem better because you know you can. Your husband has beat you down over the years with his low self esteem and low morals. Be the person your children can be proud of. Hit the floor running. Start today working on yourself.

Please Ignore the response from the other responder this board is here to help you. Please remember your husband is going to treat you the way you let him. Get in his face and tell him you have had enough of his disrespect to you and your children. Get a backbone.

Rose Mary

Well this cracks me up...you have the gall to critize me, and then tell her to get a backbone...FOR the SAME reason that I did...

 

enable all you want... I was just calling on the responder to be accountable for her future, and her children growing up in that environment. Every day she allows it she is hurting THEM. But I like YOUR advice...get a backbone

 

or is seven years of abuse not enough?

 

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