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Messages By: valoren

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August 28, 2006, 10:33 pm CDT

Hey Rem, Just Me Again...

Quote From: mentalanemia

My name is Rem and I'm 17. Yes, I know I'm young, but age really doesn't matter when it comes to the mind. My addiction is something that Dr. Phil has done a show on before, but hasn't gone into real detail with as far as I've seen. I'm a cutter. Severely. It's been a mere three years since I started, but it feels like it's a normal routine. I'm not doing it to die as some seem to believe, but for far more twisted reasons. In some ways, I do it for the pain and the rush that helps me forget and feel all at the same time. But mostly, it's for the blood. I have an obsession with blood and it disturbs me. I've lost boyfriends over this habit that I really don't see as a bad thing at first. After a take a step back and think about it though, it becomes something horrible.

Is anyone else experiencing this? If not, that's alright, I just want to get my story out.

Anything for You, My Dearest Crimson,

Rem

See my reply to your reply to me......

 

I started cutting and burning when I was 14 after my father made me stand in the middle of the livingroom and verbally sliced me to ribbons.  I went to my bedroom, lit a cigarette (I started smoking when I was 13) and burned my arm because I deserved the punishment.  I was a rotten kid.

 

Can you go into more detail about your reasons for cutting??  I don't know how much they'll allow here, but even if I can't help otherwise, I can certainly "listen". 

 

BTW, my oldest son is 17.  Just an unrelated factoid....

 

Valoren

 
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September 12, 2006, 8:34 pm CDT

Grateful for the years

I'm 45 and lucky to be alive.  I was a bit of a wild child in my youth and much of what I did should have killed me, but I'm still here.  I'm struggling with many issues, but age isn't one of them.

 

When I was growing up, the older you were, the more respect you commanded.  I'm a Southern farm kid and was raised to be quiet and listen to my elders.  There are times when that isn't really the appropriate way to treat a child - I was molested for about 14 years and no one would listen or believe because I was a child - but all things considered, it really was better for me to be "seen and not heard".  Had I been a loudmouth, I'd have missed the most wonderful stories, so much family history, and so much laughter from the adults around me.  By keeping quiet and listening, I learned that older people really were wiser than the rest of us and if I really wanted to learn (I wanted to know everything as a child) then I'd listen to my elders.  I'm glad I was raised that way.

 

Now, that having been said, I wanted nothing more as a child than to get old.  I wanted to be one of the wise people, one who was respected.  I knew that I'd only get respect if I got old and wise.  I wanted to be someone others turned to for advice, someone who had, if not all the answers, then at least a lot of them.

 

The older I get, the more respect I get from young people, though not nearly as much as older people got when I was a child.  Still, it's better than what I got when I was a kid.  Young people actually listen to me now.  I'm grateful for that, and grateful that the idiot stunts I tried as a kid didn't kill me.  Every additional year means just a little bit more respect, just a little more knowledge, and a little more wisdom.

 

I still want to know everything, I want to learn learn learn.....I have more books than the law should allow.  Looks be damned, I want to know more about the world, about life.  I don't care about gray hair, wrinkles or saggy boobs, I care what's in my head and my heart.  The rest is just window dressing and almost completely irrelevent to WHO I am. 

 

I'm grateful for every birthday because it means I'm still alive, and as long as I'm alive, I still have a chance to learn and maybe even to grow.  The "growing" part is why I came here.  :-)

 

Maybe that's trite, I don't know.  I do know that it's true.  I want to keep getting older, and I hope someday I'll be as respected as old people were when I was growing up.

 

Valoren

 
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October 31, 2006, 1:33 pm CST

Eccentricity

Quote From: neesie819

I came to this forum to post on another subject when I saw this thread labled 'Asperger's'. 

 

My 17 year old son was always referred to as "eccentric."  I have two children older than him, and he was always a mystery to me.  He didn't get diagnosed until age 15 1/2, when his mannerisms already got him into a lot of trouble.  Police, social workers, etc. always said he was very polite and charming, but he got into trouble never the less.  I don't know that I have any words of wisdom for you young mothers.  I only hope that as time goes by the public will be more aware and senstive of people with this syndrome.  It is too late for my son who was put in a "disciplinary" type of school and learned every rotten trick in the book.  BTW, that was after his diagnosis. 

My 17-year-old son is also "eccentric" - and was diagnosed with Asperger's two years ago.  He's never been in any trouble, thankfully, but his grades are abyssmal and he's very shy and awkward.  He has two younger brothers who are far ahead of him, socially, and it does bother him on some level that he's so far behind them, he just doesn't know what to do about it.  Neither do I, frankly.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom for anyone, but I thought I'd just chime in and let others out there know that they're not alone.  It's very painful to watch your child suffer knowing there's nothing you can do to change the source of the problem, but you can be there when they need you.  Sometimes that's all you can do.

 

Valoren

 
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October 31, 2006, 7:13 pm CST

Short Reply...

Quote From: shadow1968

I am the mother of two a boy and a girl. I lost touch with my son for four years but I just got that back. I will be honmest it hurt but not like it is hurting with the daughter. She and I was close could finish each others setences. But as of the end of May she has turned into someone I do not know nor do I want to know. I found out she had been having sex with her boyfriend since the end of Feb. This was to be expected what really bothered me was we let him stay at our house for four nights while his parents were out of town after they graudted. When I found out that she was having sex and did not inform us of this before he stayed with us. I was hurt and said things that was uncalled for but all was said in anger. I have appoligized for this more than once. She never has appologized and problie never will. She is spreading lies about her step dad who has always been as close as a real dad to her. She is saying he sexually harrased her while she was younger I admit he did grab her breats from time to time but it was always when they were playing and as soon as he found out this bothered her he quite. She always spent time with him would even walk through a mall  holding his hand. They would go fishing together and spent father daugter time. This is just a ploy for her to get attentnetion but her stepdad has emphazema and the time she is losing with him she will never get back. Knowing how close they always were this really upsets me. Lats year we spent alot of time arguing with her and he said somethings that I know he regrets he also has apoligeized for this. There is alot of hurt on both sides. She does not understand why I do not send her money she does not understand that I am the only one working and that it takes all we have and then some. I had to go and buy myself a new vehicle and she made a pint of telling me that if I had not done this then I would have money to send her. Sorry just needed to vent and maybe get someone to tell me I did right by cutting contact with her.

It's always a sad thing to lose touch with a loved one.

 

To be honest, it sounds as if it would be best for her if you cut all communications with her.  A step-father who grabs/gropes his underage stepdaughter's breasts is molesting her.  That's illegal, no matter how he 'meant' it. It harmed her and made him a criminal and a pedophile.  That may be hard to understand when you're accustomed to making excuses for someone you love, but it's the truth. 

 

Words said in anger are still said and cannot be taken back.  They're out there, and they caused pain.  Once again, the original intent is irrelevent.  Whether you intended to cause harm or not, you did cause it by not controlling your temper.  No one can force you to lose your temper - that's entirely your decision.  No matter how many times you apologize, you can never undo the pain you caused.

 

By the same token, she can never take back what she has said to you.  Taking verbal potshots at you and/or sucking you dry of money will not ease her pain.  She needs to seek professional help to learn how to deal with the molestation, and any other problems she may have, and stop taking it out on others.

 

I believe you when you say there is pain on both sides.  That's usually the case and it's difficult for everyone involved.  I would encourage counseling for all involved.

 

I respect your right to vent - that's one of the purposes of these message boards - but under the circumstances I feel that you really can't expect to "get" someone to tell you you "did right" when you didn't. 

 

Valoren

 
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October 31, 2006, 7:47 pm CST

Similar Story

My ex had multiple affairs online and IRL.  He got into porn, forced me to watch the human-animal sex video he loved, and left it out for our small boys to find.  That was the last straw.  I left him and moved in with a woman.  He threatened to take the kids, and I produced hard copies of his online sex sessions, among other things, and he backed off.  I knew more about computers than he did, and I made sure I used that knowledge to ensure that my kids were kept OUT of it.  I refused to allow a custody battle to start.  After he found out what I had on him, he agreed to keep the kids out of it and things went much more smoothly.  I got a lawyer to work things out so that my ex was pretty much forced to see the kids at least every other weekend.  (I grew up without my father in my life, and I'd be damned if I was going to allow my ex to be the kind of weasle my father was.)  Had I not forced him to see his kids, he would have found excuses to spend all his time with his stripper girlfriend (a drug addict/alcoholic) and none with his children.  I did make it clear that he wasn't to allow porn anywhere near my kids, because if I found out he did, he'd regret it.  I wasn't angry or cruel, just firm in holding to my decisions (for a change).  He finally agreed that the kids had to be kept as secure and settled as possible.

 

Our divorce was final on October 22, 2000.  He died in a car accident on December 7, 2000.  There were no skid marks.  One of his friends insists it was suicide.

 

My youngest son once said that if I hadn't left his daddy he'd still be alive.  I was a wreck for weeks after that.  He was right.

 

So, did I do the right thing?  My kids were in danger of being exposed to porn and an abusive father (he hit our youngest on the side of the head and controlled me tightly, in addition to repeatedly accusing me of cheating on him  - which I never did - and physically restraining me for his own purposes).  What might have happened if I'd stayed with him?  Would he have carried through on the threats he made to me?  Would I have been dead instead of him?  Was my leaving him a selfish act on my part?

 

I don't know the answers to any of those questions.  The fifth anniversary of his death was last December, and I began a long downward emotional spiral that ultimately led to my quitting my job and walking out in tears (with incredibly painful stomach cramps).  I still have no job and my kids are back on Medicaid.  Taking handouts is painful for me, but I don't know what else to do.  So much is going on inside that I can't even begin to get a handle on any of it. 

 

My fear is that I killed him, but what else was I to do to protect my kids??  I had to get them away from him on a day-to-day basis and try to make sure that his weekend time with them was porn-free.  I had to protect my kids.  I always fall back on that line.  Is it an excuse for selfishness?  Was I stupid to try to make sure he stayed in their lives on a limited basis? 

 

I don't know.  I started this post to just sort of put in my two cents' worth and it's ended up being a source of frustration and depression and guilt.  Methinks it's time to go.

 

I feel for all those who've been cheated on....

 

Valoren

 
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November 3, 2006, 9:43 am CST

Dr. Phil, you're wrong about CPS

If you're with someone who's higher, on a social or professional level, you're going to do everything you can to LOOK GOOD to them.  We suck up, it's human nature. 

 

Dr. Phil's perspective regarding CPS is one-sided and in no way representative of the actual way CPS workers behave with parents/guardians.  I'm extremely surprised that he'd make what, on its surface, appears to be such a sweeping generalization about CPS workers.  He shouldn't be using a skewed viewpoint to demonize the mother and elevate CPS in the eyes of an uninformed audience.  He needs to remember just how influential his words can be and use them much more carefully.

 

As for the mother being unwilling to hand over her child to an accused pedophile, I don't blame her.  I'd hold back, too.  No mother who really loves her child is going to hand her over to a molester willingly.

 

I should probably make it clear that I'm NOT saying that CPS is always wrong.  I know some good, honest, sincere CPS folks who do their best and do a damn fine job.  But having a friend in the 'business', I also hear about the slackers who don't give a rat's a$$ about the kids, they just want to get the paperwork done and go home.  They don't care.  If Dr. Phil showed up at their office, however, they'd appear to be the absolute picture of caring professionals.

 

I'm someone who tends to see things in black and white, but I see the gray areas in this topic.  I hope Dr. Phil sees them, too.

 

Valoren

 
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November 3, 2006, 3:12 pm CST

Two Points...

1)  We haven't seen Dr. Phil talk to Kaylee yet. 

 

I'm no psychologist, but if it were me, I think I'd kick all the adults to the curb and talk to Kaylee.  She's one of only two people who  know the truth, and she's the only one who's apt to be honest about it.

 

 

2)  Misplaced priorities are at work here.

 

What all this adds up to is that the father's reputation is more important than a child's body & soul (both are permanently damaged by abuse).  Heaven forbid we should accuse an innocent man....It's far better that we continue to force the child to go where she doesn't want to be with people she says abuse her.  Yes, we must protect the father; he votes, he has physical and economic power - the child has none of this.  Does anyone else see the BS in this point of view?  Screw him, protect the child!  If he's innocent, this will be forgotten in time and he'll be just fine.  If he's guilty, then fry the bastard.  It's more important to protect her than to pander to him.

 

I still can't get over it:  Some dipstick's reputation is more important than a child.  Some people are a complete waste of flesh.

 
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November 3, 2006, 4:52 pm CST

Short Answer

Quote From: coco1019

I was only able to see brief bits and pieces of the show due to a cable outage.

 

I just wanted to tell about something a co-worker of mine had to go through. He had separated from his wife and had joint custody of their 4 yr-old son, Chase. His wife started dating and had a new boyfriend that moved into this house. Chase started telling his grand-mother (his mother's mom) that his Daddy was touching and kissing his privates. Of course, as she should, the grand-mother called Chase's mom and wanted to know what was up. They (Chase's mother and family) starting asking Chase specific questions. They called the police and filed a report. As the weeks went on, he got more detailed with what happened. My co-worker was thrown into this huge battle. His ex-wife even posted messaged up at his work stating that he was a child molester. He got fired and was able to see his son every other weekend during a supervised visit. The whole time my co-worker was adamently denying anything happened...he was depressed and couldn't believe what was going on. One day, when Chase's mom came to pick him up from a visit, she and my co-worker got into a fight . She told my co-worker that because of what he did to Chase, he would never see him again. Chase went to the van and just sat there. Later, he called his grand-mother and told her that everything he had said his Dad did was a lie. He told her that he had made those things up because his mom wasn't paying him any attention anymore and that she was only hanging out with her new boyfriend. When they starting asking him questions that first night, he used those questions to make up new lies. The mom wasn't going to do anything, but her mother called the police and they brought in a specialized psychologist. After about a year of investigation, my co-worker was cleared. For a while the relationship between Chase and his Dad was a little strained. My co-worker had to go to anger management classes. He couldn't understand why his son would say those things. Now, they have a good relationship and Chase seems much more self-confident.

 

Not saying that that is what's happening on the Dr. Phil family. They just need to find out the truth for that poor little girl. My heart was breaking just listenting to her cry.

 

I don't know the statistics, but since she is so young (3, right?) is there a better chance for her being emotionally and mentally okay if it turns out that he did those things?When she's older, would she be able to remember those events?

Even that little, if she was molested, it will leave permanent damage.

 

I could be wrong, but you seem to imply that if the molestation is perpetrated when the child is young enough, then everything should be okay, she won't remember a thing, she'll be fine.  Is that correct?

 
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November 3, 2006, 5:36 pm CST

I'm Sorry

Quote From: coco1019

No...never in a million years would I think it was okay. Even if she couldn't remember it, it's NOT OKAY! I was hoping (questioning) that maybe the healing process would be easier for this poor girl if she couldn't remember the details.

 

 

I aplolgize for misinterpreting your statements.  It's kind of a sensitive topic for me and I'm apt to jump to conclusions during discussions like this.

 

I don't know if not remembering the details would help in any way or not.  Sometimes something can be desperately wrong in your life and you have no idea why, and it often leads back to something you cannot - or will not - remember.  I'm dissociative and have gone on vacations that I have absolutely no memory of, and it's all due to childhood molestation.  I remember some of assaults, but there are so many things that I see in old pictures that make me suddenly terrified, and I have no idea why.  I feel fairly certain that something happened in the locations in the pictures, but it could have been as simple as being frightened of a spider or as malevolent as another sexual assault, I simply don't know.  It's like a cloud hanging over my life that I can't remember some of these things.  In view of my own experiences, I really can't say whether or not it would be better for her to not remember.  Either way, there's lingering pain.

 

Sorry again for my mistake!

 

Valoren

 
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November 3, 2006, 8:38 pm CST

Excessive Adoration

Quote From: labelfree

It will come out in the rinse!

 

Do you honestly think for one moment our GREAT DR. Phil would allow anything to happen to a child?

 

All these negative remarks made against him getting it wrong..not asking the correct questions etc...To those people I say you have no idea of how he operates!

 

To those who have posted who are angry you should be....Child Abuse in any form at the least is crimal at the most is DEADLY!

 

There are two more shows and there is always a story behind a story behind a story.  I believe we all hope and pray for this sweet baby that NO HORRIFIC SEXUAL ADVANCE has happened to her....

 

There are four adults pulling this child in a million different directions and her sweet mind is on overload!  They claim to have (The Baby's) best interest at heart but in my opionion they are all  being selfish and damaging this child in one form or another.

 

If it doesnt come out in the wash it will come out in the rinse and if you all think DR Phil handling this situation wrong YOUR NUTS and just shut up and dont watch!

 

He has been dealing with all of life's situations for 30 years,  has written numerous books on family dynamics, and is a complete professional. 

 

Read his books and know the man and then you will know where he is going.  He will not allow one inch of harm to that sweet babie and with his last breath get to the bottom of all of this!

 

There is always a story behind a story.  Please some of you think before you type alot of you sound so stupid.

Dont judge until ALL THE FACTS ARE REVEALED.............................That's all from me for now.

 

Sue

 

Dr. Phil is a smart guy.  He has good common sense and a great personality...

 

However---

 

No human on earth is worthy of blind, unquestioning faith and/or adoration.  Everyone needs to be called on a glaring error that they didn't catch at one time or another in life.  He's Dr. Phil, not Dr. Perfect.

 

My opinion regarding Dr. Phil's erroneous evaluation of Child Protective Services stands.

 

Valoren

 

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