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Messages By: daunie78

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September 4, 2006, 3:09 pm CDT

My world

Hi all I have to say is that it makes me feel better to see people going through the same garbage I am going through with my in-laws.  I thought I was the only one.  Although I do not live with my mother in law, thank God, I do not think it could get any worse if I did.  She meddles in everything, watches everything like a hawk, monitors what goes on in our home, and constantly contradicts myself and my husband in front of the kids.  If we tell them something she is right there to tell them the opposite.  Recently, I dicovered she was talking about our finacial situation with other family members, to be honest, I do not want her in my home or life anymore.
 
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May 19, 2007, 8:37 pm CDT

I too am a stepmother

I am a stepmother to a seven year old boy.  In the beginning it was wonderful.  I feel as though I was suckered in.  I just had my first biological child six months ago.  About a year ago is when it started to go downhill, and I am not sure why, though i believe it is due to my stepson's bio mom and her constant bashing of us and everything that takes place in our home.  His bio mom is bi-polar.  You never know what you are dealing with with this woman, if it is a medicated or non medicated day.  She has told my step son he is not to show me affection, he is to lie to us about various things, and so on.  I am at the end of my rope.  He is now acting out towards the baby, and it makes me nervous.  I do not trust him to not do something to hurt her so I have her with me all of the time, I am scared to turn around if he is in the room with her.  I caught him squeezing her head the other day, it took all I had in me not to squeeze his head right back.  The fact that he was not my son never was an issue until he startedhurting my daughter.  Then it became blatent.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have been long gone by now.  I love my husband and my daughter with all I am, but truthfully, I am beginning to hate my stepson.
 
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May 21, 2007, 12:30 pm CDT

Therapy is a must

Quote From: our4sons

Family therapy is a must, then. It can help the step-son to understand his very real feeling and how to handle them. It will also help you understand your's as well. Your husband obviously could benefit from it, as well.

 

Siblings can be rough on each other, period. And you have to realize he is in a very real & confusing position and none of it was his doing. The adults in this situation need to figure things out & help guide him through it. It's one of those things you just have to do.

 

I totally understand how you could feel that way. You do need to make sure your infant child is safe. I would never leave them together unsupervised. That will be difficult but I would make a point to keep an eye on them when he is with her.

 

Remember, he is a child & if his mother is truly bipolar, he will need extra guidance through this all. I would seek outside help.

 

Best wishes.

Therapy definately is a must and we have sought 2 different therapists, however, his mother has ruined that.  I will explain.  His mother found out he was seeing a therapist, and suddenly felt as if she was under a microscope.  She told my stepson that he had better tell her what he had already said to the therapist and that if he did not, she would just call the therapist and find out.  She told him that he had better not be discussing her and she found out he was, he would be in trouble.  He completely closed off to the first then the second therapist.  We assured him that there was nothing his mother could find out, as did both therapists, but he felt unsecure already, and refused to talk about anything to the therapists any more.
 
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May 21, 2007, 12:55 pm CDT

I hear you

Quote From: deborahnc

You wrote "In the beginning it was wonderful. I feel as though I was suckered in." These two sentences contradict each other somewhat, How do you mean you were suckered into what seemed like a wonderful relationship with your husband who had a son?   THEN your wrote "I just had my first biological child six months ago.  About a year ago is when it started to go downhill, and I am not sure why, though" It seems to me ABOUT a year ago you were just starting to show in your pregnancy, and started talking about having your first child right? On top of that his DADDY was having a "NEW" baby right? What happened to Daddy's old wife when he got the "new" one? um didn't work out to well for his mom did it?  Kids see things in a whole different light than adults. Not to mention his bio-mom is Bi-polar with all this happening in the last year it seems instability is the only thing he seems to have that is stable in his life right now.     Then you wrote "She has told my step son he is not to show me affection, he is to lie to us about various things, and so on. You and your husband have the power to effect how he responds to you and him in your home. YOU have the power, COME ON give the child a little, tell him it is ok if he doesn't want to share his feelings BUT be positive until he does. Tell him when you are in our home son it's ok to feel any way you want to feel BUT when you express it in harmful ways to me or YOUR baby sister there will be consequences to your actions. Make clear simple rules he can follow and praise him when he does and communicate and punish when he does not every time. Your step-son is reaching out for boundaries and proof that he still belongs to YOU and his Dad.        Then you wrote "I caught him squeezing her head the other day, it took all I had in me not to squeeze his head right back.  The fact that he was not my son never was an issue until he started hurting my daughter.  Then it became blatant."  First off it is perfectly normal for children to feel extremely jealous about a new sibling. Second It has been six months has he not bonded with the baby yet? Do you let him play the "big brother" roles or is it more like, keep away, don't touch, stop you might hurt her. THIRD IF the fact that he is not your son became blatant at that moment to you IT was clear to him long before that moment. I have four step-children and they have all at one point or another fought, hit, argued, tricked and belittle all of my natural born children, That is what children do when they are learning how to express themselves. YOUR job as a co-parent of this child is to correct the behavior without harm or hurt.  I never look at it as mine, hers, yours I became a co-parent of this child the moment I said I do. HIS behavior is a reflection of you! Good bad or indifferent, You are responsible for how he learns to react to his environment. You already said his bio-mother is unstable he is craving this from you and up until you began imagining your wonderful new baby he was probably getting it from you. The timeline matches up perfectly. You may be the exact same person but he is looking through a child's eyes and all of this is confusing, scary and it all started happening when baby sister showed up.      The fact that his is NOT your child and SHE is was expressed to him long before he started squeezing her head that day. I am sure he is getting it from bio-mom but you are reaffirming it in his mind with your actions.   Lastly you said  "I love my husband and my daughter with all I am, but truthfully, I am beginning to hate my stepson." Your daughter could be and very well maybe (you talked about being long gone by now) in the same shoes your step-son is in now. Imagine what you would feel, think and do if your read the words you just wrote about your son but it was about your daughter. He is SEVEN, he is clay for molding. If the bio-mother is causing  so much harm to him that he is attempting to harm other people TURN her in, TALK to her, Hate her (not were the child is effected) Communicate, Attempt to gain full custody but for GOD's sake find it in your heart to completely fall in love with this child and fight for him! Fight for a normal loving childhood, because YOU may end up hating him but in the future theses two children will love each other and children remember their families actions and their childhood. You can cause them to be close as children or hate each other as children but know as adults they will be brother and sister.
I understand all that you are saying.  I do not know what to do anymore.  we do have full time custody of my stepson.  He lives with us and goes to school here.  He is with us for 2 weeks before his everyother weekend visitation with his bio mom.  Somehow, everything we instill in him gets erased in the 2 overnights he spends with his mother.  As far as the harm she is doing to him, emotionally and physically, I have been trying to fight as his father has been trying to fight for him and his best interest.  His bio mom had a boyfriend that hit my step son.  We went to the police, there was nothing they could do because there were no marks left and he wasn't hit with an object.  She smokes in the house and in a closed vehicle with him, I called child protective services there is nothing they can do about, there is no law against making your child breath in second hand smoke.  He gets instructed by his mother to lie to us when her boyfriend hits him or when she smokes around him.  She is teaching him to lie to us and that it is ok for him to do so.  I feel like I am in a hopeless situation in which my daughter is now going to be learning all of these behaviors, even though we do not promote them.  I look at my stepson as not mine because I feel there is nothing more that I can do that I have not already done.  I have taken him to see not one but two therapists, his mother made sure he didn't speak to them.  We are in the process of fighting through the courts to only allow his bio mom to have supervised visitation.  I take care of this child, I do his laundry, I cook his food, I clean, I take him to football and wrestling, and to the pool.  I treat him as if he is my own, and he pushes me further and further away and makes it all the more apparent that he is not mine and he won't treat me as if I am his.  I do mountains more for him than his mother does, she doesn't even call him ever during the week.  Number one, if my daughter ended up in the same situation, there wouldn't be an issue if the person in my husbands life treated her as good as I treat my step-son.  I would help to nurture the relationship with the woman who took my place, if they treated my daughter well why would I try to sabotage that?  He still gets the same attention and the same things he did before my daughter was born.  The jealousy thing started when my daughter was like 2 months old.  I do not keep him away from her, well at least not until he started acting out physically to her.  He was doing all of the big brother things, like gettting me diapers and helping me take care of the baby, until he was told by his mother he didn't have to do all of that.  Now if I ask him to please get me a diaper he says no and that I should get it myself it is my baby not his.  I know it is his mother putting it in his head but it is him acting it out.  We have talked to his mother, have you ever spoken with a wall or a brick?  Well that is what it is like talking to his bio mom.  She lies and denies.  I know they will always be brother and sister, but I do not want my daughter to be the next bi polar in traing because of the behaviors her brother acts out.
 
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May 21, 2007, 2:20 pm CDT

He knows.......

Quote From: ramair

 Is your husband aware of what his son is doing to your daughter? Or, is he one of those clueless sorts who thinks his son can do no wrong? If he is, and won't come around, I think you'll need to seriously consider leaving him. Nothing is more important than your daughter's safety.
He knows what his son does, and he repremands him for it.  I sleep with one eye open to make sure my daughter has no harm come to her at night.  I feel as though we took full custody to better and enrich the life of my stepson, and he is resisting for the past year, so why can't we just send him back to his mother if living here is making no difference?
 
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May 23, 2007, 7:13 pm CDT

I am not a bad person.....

I am not a bad person.  I am just under all of this "new" stress that is an all of a sudden thing.  Yes it very well could be jealousy on the part of my stepson to his new sister.  The jealousy was originated by his mother who posed a question to him asking doesn't he feel left out and like his infant sister gets more attention.  Of course she gets more attention, she can do nothing for herself, but that doesn't mean my stepson gets any less.  He is now doing something new and I am getting to the point where not only am I mortified and grossed out by it, I do not know how to get the behavior to stop.  All of a sudden, he doesn't want to eat anything I cook.  He only wants fast food.  That is not going to happen here.  So now he will take one or two bites of his food and themn make himself vomit on his plate so he does not have to eat the rest.  If I ignore the behavior, is that giving the green light to keep doing it, if I react is that giving him what he wants and making him do it more.  He also does things when he gets reprimanded.  He is seven, but very vindictive.  If he gets in trouble, he will go into the bathroom and squirt toothpaste all over my walls, or urinate all over my floor and jusat walk out of the room as if nothing happened only leaving it there for the next person to find.  I do not know what to do or how to handle this.  I have done and continue to do more for him than his mother, and this is the thanks I get?  I have a six month old who needs a sane mother, and this kid is driving me crazy.  I understand he needs patience and love, but I am running out of both for him.  I do not want to leave my husband, and do not want a broken home for my daughter.  I knew what I was signing up for getting into this, but never imagined it would get this bad.  I do not deserve this and I do not feel I should have to give up my life or my husband or my happy ending for my daughter for a little spoiled brat.  My heart is so heavy.  I really do not know where to turn or how to turn this around and make it good again.
 
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May 25, 2007, 5:39 am CDT

first off....

Quote From: our4sons

"Of course she gets more attention, she can do nothing for herself, but that doesn't mean my stepson gets any less."

 

Less of what? The daughter can not get more attention while the son get the same amount. Those two are conflicting statements. Or do you mean he gets no less than he did before? If so, he's getting even less attention, then.

 

"All of a sudden, he doesn't want to eat anything I cook.  He only wants fast food.  That is not going to happen here.  So now he will take one or two bites of his food and themn make himself vomit on his plate so he does not have to eat the rest." 

 

This is a classic sign of an eating disorder, which is always about control. He probably feels he has no control in his life, which he doesn't. The adults do and obviously are not doing enough for him.

 

"If he gets in trouble, he will go into the bathroom and squirt toothpaste all over my walls, or urinate all over my floor and jusat walk out of the room as if nothing happened only leaving it there for the next person to find."

 

Did you notice how you referred to his home, the one he shares with you & your husband & daughter? "My walls" & "My floors". I sure he senses that about you if you're not stating that to him. And no, you don't have to say to him, "This is mine & not your's." for him to get it. You may even be talking to you husband (his father) and saying things like "my walls" & "my floors" without even realizing it.

 

Remember, the day you said "I do." your home became your husband's and his son's home.

 

"I have done and continue to do more for him than his mother, and this is the thanks I get?"

 

Never do anything for a child with regards to caring for them and ever expect a thank you. He owes you nothing. He never once asked for you to be in his life & had/has no choice in this, either. 

 

"I knew what I was signing up for getting into this, but never imagined it would get this bad.  I do not deserve this and I do not feel I should have to give up my life or my husband or my happy ending for my daughter for a little spoiled brat.  My heart is so heavy.  I really do not know where to turn or how to turn this around and make it good again."

 

I have to say, no, you didn't apparently. You apparently are in over your head & need some serious guidance & outside/objective help.

 

It really saddens me to hear an adult that entered a child's life without their permission and yet has such an amazing amount of influence on how so much of their life will turn out can then turn around and call the child names. Don't for one second fool yourself into thinking this child has never overheard your words, read them or even sensed your belief that he's a brat. Think that way of him & he, as a child who obviously is desperate for real guidance and not excuses, will prove you right! Sounds like your husband needs to step up and be a real father here.

 

Again, therapy is a must! You all need it! No excuses... just do it!

 

This child gets attention, we do things with him and go to his school functions.  He gets rewarded for his good behavior and reprimanded for the bad.  For you to suggest otherwise based on what I have typed is absolutely ridiculous.  Obviously the adults are not doing enough for him?  You know what you are right.  I am taking him to therapy and spend time talking to him about his feelings, all stuff I do not have to do, while his mother is out partying and not paying a cent of support, so you are right, the adults( His mother )  is not doing enough for him, but do not dare say that about me or my jhusband.  They are my husbands and my walls sorry for the way it was typed.  They are walls and floors that are on loan to him.  He does not pay for or clean or maintain those walls and floors.  My home was always my husbands as well being that we bought the home after we got married.  I do not expect a thank you, I expect to be treated with respect after all I do for him, in my home, thats right I said my home, because I made to feel like an outsider by a seven year old!  Thank you for your ridiculous words here, my husband has stepped up and has full custody and now because his deadbeat exwife refuses to pay support, has had to take a second job until the court hearing.  My step son is a brat, and no he has never heard me call him that, and where did you get your degree.  All I have to say is how dare you.
 
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May 25, 2007, 5:41 am CDT

My husband

Quote From: horselightning

Were is your husband in all this? He is the one who has to disapline his son and comunicate with his ex-wife about his son's  behavior. Also he is the one that needs to set the boundaries in this situation. I think he should reasure the child about his new family as well. Not trying to make your husband sound like the bad guy. It just seems that you wrote like he is dumpng the responsibilty of his child on you?  
My husband has had to take on a second job until the court hearing for his deadbeat ex evading child support.  He is gone most nights from 8 am to around 11:30 pm.  I do not fault him for busting his rear to provide for his family.
 
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May 25, 2007, 5:48 am CDT

ok fine

Quote From: our4sons

Been through what? A marriage to someone who didn't respect my child or a marriage to someone with children who didn't respect me or I them? Then yes, you are right! I had sense enough not to marry anyone who didn't respect my first born. The man I married loves & respects my first born. I made certain of that before we married. We now have 4 children in all and we (my husband & I) consider all the children we have in the same light... my first born & the 3 we had together.

 

It's really not hard and takes no special experience to understand. Children deserve respect.

Thats well and good but did you also make sure your child respected the man you married or was he allowed to treat him a poorly as his wished because he didn't ask for the intrusion or a step parent in his life.  You make no sense.  So what you are saying is children deserve respect but the step parents dont?
 
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May 25, 2007, 5:57 am CDT

How dare you!

Quote From: our4sons

Also, does "having been through it" then give an adult permission to call a troubled child names & then work at alienating them or ignore their obvious needs while choosing to instead call the bio-parent they're not married to names as well? No! It actually means that person should know better than to behave like the child is behaving, to be especially aware that they must be very mature & aware of their every action. They need to step out of themselves & realize they have not just married someone with baggage but rather married into a very sensitive situation... period.

 

Like I've said, it's a very hard & sometimes unrewarding job to be a step parent. Some people really are not meant to be a step parent.

You do not know what I live with here everyday, so how dare you judge anything.
 

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