Messages By: hotnychick

What bothers me most about today's show is the not so underlying message that men and women can't be friends. If it was the husband and his cousin hanging out all the time and talking all the time, well...we wouldn't be seeing these people on Dr. Phil. Is it fair to assume there is an affair just because they are the opposite sex. Honestly, how embarrassing and sad is that. A man and a woman are together so they must be cheating and having sex. They're not having sex? They're talking to each other like guys and guys and gals and gals? Why that's not right. Men and women should not be allowed to fraterinize because it could no doubt lead to friendship or worse.

Shame.

What a ridiculous group "still wet behind the ears" and both couples have children.  What a mess!

My concern is for the children.

Both these women are being used by Dennis.

And neither guy is a "peach".....even the male cousin has cheated. 

The women have been with other men, too.  Good grief !

No self respect at all....not on anyone's part.    To say nothing of the immaturity involved.

I certainly hope  they all have been tested for HIV, STD's and Aids.  Good grief !

What kind of "backward" life are they all leading?  

Get your heads screwed on  straight  & right......do some self reflection...clean up your act........ Dennis' wife needs to dump him...and get on with her life.....and  her children's well being. 

 Take Dr. Phil up on his offer for YOU  to have the individualized counsel.......and oh, by the way......that Lawyer that Dr. Phil offered.....take him up on that one, that's a "biggie !"    With that trucking business......you have marital rights,  for you and your children.

Obviously, the winters are too long where ever they all live.....geesh all that snow and mud !!!!!!

Here's a hint.....grow up.....

...Take up a hobby.......skating,  skiing,  snowshoeing, snowboarding, winter hiking,  snowmobiling,

Ice hockey, ice fishing,  read a BOOK,  get involved in an after school program with your kids,  get involved in your community to affect change, to improve the local library, help a neighbor cut, split and chop, haul wood.....go work in a soup kitchen....Get my drift ?.......do something constructive.

Winter will be over before you know it !

When that happens.......plant a garden, mow the lawn, plant some vegetables, help with a community garden.......feed the hungry.......help the poor.....take your kids for a walk.....wash the pick-up truck.....set up the kids swimming pool.........Get my drift ?

Dear Jaime,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Brother and the pain it has caused you.  I have a story that might change your mind about Abiodon.

I met a man that swept me off my feet - he made me feel special, wanted, and loved.  He did tell me about his being an ex-con from the beginning - I was of the mind set people can change and I should not judge him.  I became pregnant and a short while later he went back to prison.  I was left alone - I had his phone calls and visits behind glass.  I accepted his collect phone calls and I sent him "care packages".  I moved to another state and our baby was born.  I sent him pictures at every stage of our daughter's development and we were making plans for our future - when he was released from prison.  I had great hopes and a lot of promises from him.

A few months before our daughter turned one he was released from prison.  I was 12 hours away in another state.  A month later I was able to go see him.  The first time our daughter saw him she knew he was her Daddy - I talked about him and showed her pictures of him all of the time.  A few hours later he told me some news that devastated me - he was with another woman.

I asked him about all the things he wrote to me about - love, life together, our daughter, our families????  He didn't get the last letter I wrote him before he was released, so he thought I had forgot about him.  The letter came back to me as undeliverable because he had been released.

I went back home with my daughter with a broken heart.  A couple of months later he contacted me and said he was sorry and he wanted to come see us.  I had this notion that if two people said they loved each other and they had a child they should be together.  So I said yes.

He arrived and not soon after I discovered he had been corresponding with other women while he was in prison.  He said that it was me he loved and he just conned and used those other women - he said it was a way to get money for the commissary and other "things" and something 95% of convicts do.  It's a way of control and survival.

He ended up leaving and on his way out of town he managed to get himself in a lot of trouble - creating a two state manhunt which he ended up back in prison.

I moved to another state to live with my sister and start my life over and I was successful - I met someone and was getting serious with this new man and then the letters from my daughter's father became romantic again and he professed his love for me all over again and that he wanted to be a family.  He said he didn't want to lose me because he couldn't face up to his responsibilities before.  I believed him - I broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, cashed out my bank account, and drove through 4 1/2 states to be with him.  When I arrived I didn't stay with him I stayed with his family and two weeks later I found out he had another woman staying with him.  He told me he couldn't decide who he wanted to be with so he asked both of us and who ever got there first won - she lived 5 hours away...

Two months later I found out I was pregnant by him.  He told me to get an abortion and that he didn't want anything to do with the new baby.  I had never seen this side of him when it came to children.  (I had a baby boy and he has grown up to be everything I dreamed of.)

I tried to distance myself from him - he worked close to my home and would stop by to see our daughter and every few visits he would start telling me how much he loved me and how he wished we could start over.  He'd get what ever he wanted from me and be gone.  This went on for a couple of years - I was always trying to get away from him and then one day he would suck me back in with all the right words, hugs, and kisses.  Each time I was getting stronger and could resist him and turn him away, but he was so smooth and sincere - it was hard, I didn't want to be alone.

Then he was arrested by the FBI and he went to Federal prison for 12 years.  I moved across the country to start over with both of our children.  He called and sent cards and letters and when we were out visiting family I would take to kids to see him.  The kids relished his letters that were full of love, religion, and hopes for the future.  He wanted to start a home for disadvantaged boys - like he had been.  He wanted to make it his life's work to save just one boy's life.  He lead a bible study group in prison.  He asked me for forgiveness for all the lies and cons he played on me.  It was my opportunity to ask him why he did all those things to me.  He said it was a way to feel in control in a place where he had none.  It gave him power.  He also did those things to keep me close enough so he could see his daughter and later our son.  I told him I would never have kept him from the kids and he didn't need to manipulate me in that way.  Then he asked me why I put up with it for so long.  I told him that I was young and naive believed people were honest for the most part, and that I loved him and somehow I thought I could rescue him and give him all the love he never had only if he would just let me.  He said that would have worked for most people, but he was raised by the system since he was a young boy.  He was a con and you can't trust a con - they work people to get what they want and if they tell you they aren't they are lying.

A year later after that conversation he was released but monitored with an anklet and living with his father. I sent the kids out to spend a week with him.  They were in heaven - they were "feeling" love from him.  Then a while later when he got his anklet off the kids spent another week with him, but this time things were different - he wasn't coming home right after work, he was giving excuses why he couldn't do things with the kids.  The kids had a good time with their family and their dad, but he wasn't as doting on them as before.

A year passed and the letters and phone calls dwindled down to almost nothing - the kids were devastated.  To this day 4 years later they don't hear from him and they really don't want to.  Last I heard he was addicted to crystal meth and out of touch.  He is dead to us.

He did do one thing for me...after living on the other side of the country from him for a couple of years I was hired to be head cook at a prison.  I worked right along side inmates with few guards around.  There were a lot of women that were hired the same time as I was.  I was one of the few that did my job with out getting sucked into the cons of the inmates I worked with and fed on a daily basis.  I never let on that I had inside knowledge of prison life and I looked the part.  When the inmates would talk about their conquests (my co-workers) in their prison talk I knew their language and what it meant.  One girl was bringing in cigarettes for an inmate and I quietly confronted her and she told me to mind my own business - she was married but an inmate found just the right words to suck her in and use her.  I would be on the serving line and see my co-workers hang on every word or gesture from one or more inmates - I slowly watched the situations progress.  After a while I knew who was sneaking off and having sex and/or giving out contraband.  I saw many co-workers lives ruined, because they didn't understand that they were being used and lied to.  Most were investigated and brought up on charges with the FBI.  I felt like a fly on the wall - I knew the game - watched it unfold in varying degrees among my co-workers and the inmates.  These women believed that these convicts really loved them.  It was a job for me and like a job for most people you just don't get caught up in the personal lives of co-workers.  I also understood that where I worked was where the inmates worked and lived and that put a different dynamic in the work environment.  When you have contact with the same people everyday it would be real easy to get caught up in the con-game, but I had learned from a master of the con-game and I knew how to protect myself.  I was glad I wasn't a supervisor - I would have fired a lot of women to save their freedom and lives.  Everyone who was hired was sent through the same training, but they didn't talk about the con-games.  You could say I was pre-trained for this job.

Convicts aren't like most people - especially the ones who grew up in the system.  They are predators.  Abiodon may feel remorse for killing your brother, but he is still a product of the system.  When I hear of women that get caught up with a convict in prison or out - I want to cry.  It is all about control for them - you may not be giving him monetary things, but the attention you give him especially after he killed your brother must be the sweetest drug to him.

On the show you said it yourself - he is intelligent and articulate - what makes you think you are special and that you aren't another game for him to play and prey upon.  It's even more interesting to him because he murdered your brother.  Do you realize what kind of status that gives him among the other inmates?  He would never tell you these things are true it's not in the nature of a con man.

There is a small percentage of convicts that truly change their lives.  The ones that do usually came from good homes to begin with.  No matter how slow you take it with Abiodon he will have great difficulty functioning on the outside of prison and it will make your life harder.

Jaime - I am not judging you, but please if you love your children, your mother, your family, the memory of your brother, and mostly yourself - walk away from Abiodon - no letters, no calls, no visits.  Do not invite trouble into your life and especially your children's lives.  They are pure and innocent now - keep them that way - you are the only one who can.

You are a beautiful woman.  This is your chance to take care of yourself - to protect yourself like your brother couldn't protect himself.  The human psyche is amazing and there are times when a person thinks they are doing the right thing for themselves and they aren't.  You would not be heartless by turning your back on the man who killed your brother and stole from you and others of the life you would have had with your brother.  Forgive and forget him - you owe him nothing and he is not the one that can give you closure - only you can close the wounds Abiodon created.  We along with God's help are the only ones that can heal ourselves.

Jaime let my story, my ex's own revelations on the con-life, my experience with my ex and working on the inside of a prison help you.

 I pray you hear these words and they resonate in your heart.

Your Friend,

T

I can't believe how utterly self-centered that first couple were.  They had a shaky marriage hanging on a thread yet they adopted a Russian girl.  They should have not brought an innocent girl into thieri troubled marriage.

I nned help to cope with a situation.  I found out my fiance' was talking with a (girl) friend on e-mail and messenger that was very sexual inuindos on both sides.  He tells me it didn't mean anything other than just talk.  It wasn't aimed at me or intended to hurt me, and that I wasn't even a thought in the matter when he was doing it.  I don't believe he has had physical sex with this woman.   But to me it is the same if you're talking like you have or would like to.  He says he loves me and it doesn/t mean a thing to him when he talks to her like that.

I told him if it didn't mean anything he shouldn't talk like that because it makes the other person think that they have hope for a relationship with him.  And it is a lack of respect for me. 

He says I'm too conservative on my sexual beliefs and he was raised in LA, California and that is the way people are there. (Even though he moved here when he was 15)

If my way of thinkning is wrong, please let me know.  But, if I'm not wrong then I need help in how to cope with this and to make him understand why this is wrong when he is in a relationship with someone.

He also says because I read these things without his approval, I deserve what I get.

I love him and we have lived together for seven years and are suppose to marry February 2008.  So I do have time to work on this or decide if it is not going to work.

PLEASE OFFER ME SOME GUIDENCE!!!