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January 31, 2007, 2:35 pm PST

Public Panic!

My daughter is a HOLY TERROR everytime we go into a public place like a grocery store or any store whatsoever. She screams at the top of her lungs the entire time, hits, throws her body weight all over the place, crawls on the floor like a baby, spits at me, and numerous other horryfing things! I need help! Its gotten to the point where I don't take her anywhere anymore because I just can't deal with the aftermath. I feel like the people in the stores look at me like I'm doing something abusive to her that causes the tantrum. I usually either try to ignore it or talk calmly to her until we can hightail it out! I'm worried that this is beyond a discipline factor because she gets so worked up that she has trouble breathing and makes herself throw-up! I'm worried that they are anxiety attacks. The situation is helped if I prep her enough about where we are going and our schedule but, by God, sometimes you JUST RUN OUT OF EGGS and have to go to the store on short notice!!! Afterwards, she is exhausted and falls right to sleep. I can't stand the stares from other people like I am a bad parent. I am trying not to discipline her right now because I am so upset, and she is asleep, but I'm thinking about making her write an apology letter when she wakes up. She's only four but she can write thank-you notes, so why not try to explain to her that the way she acted in the store was very bad and we are going back to apologize. She will just throw another fit about having to go back though, so what's the point? Someone anyone! ADVICE PLEASE!

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wendyleo037

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January 31, 2007, 2:40 pm PST

Public Panic!

My daughter is a HOLY TERROR everytime we go into a public place like a grocery store or any store whatsoever. She screams at the top of her lungs the entire time, hits, throws her body weight all over the place, crawls on the floor like a baby, spits at me, and numerous other horryfing things! I need help! Its gotten to the point where I don't take her anywhere anymore because I just can't deal with the aftermath. I feel like the people in the stores look at me like I'm doing something abusive to her that causes the tantrum. I usually either try to ignore it or talk calmly to her until we can hightail it out! I'm worried that this is beyond a discipline factor because she gets so worked up that she has trouble breathing and makes herself throw-up! I'm worried that they are anxiety attacks. The situation is helped if I prep her enough about where we are going and our schedule but, by God, sometimes you JUST RUN OUT OF EGGS and have to go to the store on short notice!!! Afterwards, she is exhausted and falls right to sleep. I can't stand the stares from other people like I am a bad parent. I am trying not to discipline her right now because I am so upset, and she is asleep, but I'm thinking about making her write an apology letter when she wakes up. She's only four but she can write thank-you notes, so why not try to explain to her that the way she acted in the store was very bad and we are going back to apologize. She will just throw another fit about having to go back though, so what's the point? Someone anyone! ADVICE PLEASE!

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wendyleo037

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February 1, 2007, 9:11 am PST

thanks

Quote From: jettav

I think the note is a good idea and if you have her to do it, you need to follow through and take her to the store, and she needs to hand it to whoever is there working and have to say she is sorry and then praise her for it. You can explain to her that she made people very upset when she was throwing her fit and they need to know that she is sorry, you can have her to give the note to the security person if they have one, they may be kind enough to have a nice little chat with her.

ALso, you need to make it clear that it is not acceptable to do these things and the next time you go to the store, do not take her with you. of course I am assuming that you have a husband, some one who can be home with her. I know too that it can be an inconvenience to you but you have to make it clear that her behaviour is not acceptable. go with out her several times and then at one point offer to take her with you but lay down the rules before you go, make it clear that if she throws one tantrum, disobeys, whatever, you will leave the cart and you will carry her out to the car and she will not go with you to the store the next time around, take her home and if some one is there to be with her, turn around and go back to the store. Gotta follow through.

Does she act like this at home? I don't know if it could be anything other then a tantrum, only you really know this, but if you think there is some medical or physical reason why she is doing it then take her to the doctor. But whatever the case, she needs to learn that tantrums get her no where adn you might want to take something for her to do while she is sitting int he cart, my girls at ages 4 and 6 like to help with the shopping, they can put some things int he cart and they can help put it on the belt for the cashier, might need to get creative.

Thank you for your comments. I don't know if its anything other than a tantrum. Its the most severe tantrum I've ever seen a kid throw. She literally can't catch her breath in the middle of it, but I think your right, even if it is super severe, its not acceptable. She's the one that chose to start it. I was able to talk to her about it a little after her nap and I asked her why she behaved that way and she said she was really scared of all the people. I guess she saw them staring too! We're going to go back and apologize before she goes anywhere else, I think your idea about going without her a few times is EXCELLENT and fantastic follow through. Thank you very much! She hardly ever throws tantrums at home anymore. If she does she has to go sit in this yucky, old car seat that she thinks is "ugly" until she's done; sometimes if she feels one coming on she just goes and sits in it quietly until she's in control again. I wish I could cart that thing around the store with me but I can't. Anyway, thank-you very much for your ideas, they're really helpful.

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wendyleo037

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February 1, 2007, 9:15 am PST

thank you

Quote From: ricschic

I think the first thing I would do is talk to your pediatrician about this. This sounds like it's more than a behavioral problem...most children don't make themselves throw up like this. I don't know so much about the apology letter...if she's got a medical issue that's not been dealt with, apologizing will make her feel like there's something "wrong" with her, when there may very well be a physical factor at work here. I'd hold off on that. If your doctor doesn't address your concerns in a real, proactive way by ruling out any factors that might be causing this behavior...find one that will. Just please, don't "buy" into the ADD/ADHD labels...at 4, she's really too young for that to be absolutely diagnosed beyond a reasonable doubt.

Good luck...

Thanks for the advice and feedback. I will talk to her pediatrician about it! Don't worry I don't believe in the ADD/ADHD stuff either; However did parents survive in the 2,000 years before drug companies thought up ADD?!!? Thank you again!

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wendyleo037

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March 1, 2007, 5:36 pm PST

Public Panic Again

Am I expecting too much of my children ages 4 and 2, to make it through a few errands in an afternoon? We needed to go to the bank, the post office and the grocery store. Is this too much to expect from two pre-schoolers? I don't understand what's going on because at home they are generally well-behaved, but as soon as we walk out the door....a different being takes over my four-year-old. Am I just supposed to forgo errands and staying caught up with my life for a few years? Hannah (4) runs away from me, she doesn't do what she's told, she screams, takes off her seatbelt in the carseat and climbs all over the car, she cries hysterically, she grabs everything in sight. I really feel bad for the two-year-old because she is just caught in the cross-fire, its almost like the poor thing just understands that mommy's head is going to explode if she starts acting out too. So, she just sits quietly ignored, poor baby. My four-year old is a challenging child, like "The Strong-Willed Child" or whatever, but we get by at home with a lot of creative discipline; coloring our feelings, time-outs, and mom distracting by dancing around, making puppets, etc. This takes so much energy out of me but I'm happy to do it because she's highly intelligent and this is the downside of that. Its just when we are in public, everyone stares at me, I had three people comment to me on what they perceived as bad parenting on my part just today. I said to Hannah the four-year-old, "Help me watch your sissy while I talk to the bank teller," and this women stopped me and said, "How is she supposed to be expected to watch her little sister?" and shook her head at me, sighing. Well, dumb woman who has no business putting her nose in, it makes Hannah feel important like she's on my team if I give her something to be in charge of. It usually makes her behave better, and who the heck are you to put your two senses in anyway? This is the issue: children who are like my daughter: hyper, extremely intelligent, creative and challenging; are more difficult to discipline than other children. Parents who sit there and shake their heads at you and say, "Haven't you tried time-outs?" have MELLOW children like my two-year-old. Yes, actually, time-outs work like a charm for my two-year-old, I usually don't even have to go that far because she's so sensitive that the slight tweak of my tone will correct her behavior in a heartbeat. I'm tired of people assuming I'm a bad parent because of the way my child behaves. I had another man tell me, "Bad children are the result of bad parents"....well I am the EXACT SAME DAMN parent to the perfectly WELL-BEHAVED child as I am to the HOLY TERROR.....so.....what do you make of that? Why the heck don't people just mind their own business and walk a mile in someone else's shoes before trying to critize and judge? Like I don't feel guilty enough that my child is screaming at the top of her lungs. At the post office, my kid starting throwing a fit because she wanted me to buy her something there, so she wasn't going to leave and then the two-year-old wasn't going to leave either so I had to pick up Haleigh (2) and hold Hannah's hand, firmly (practically dragging her to the car.) I didn't have a free hand to carry the rest of my packages, so I went and put them in the car, parked it in the emergency lane, put the emergency lights on and SPRINTED, RAN LIKE HELL, back inside got my packages and SPRINTED back, having not taken my eyes off them for more than 10 seconds (I'm a marathon runner, I could run around the whole building in 20 seconds if I wanted.) Just enough time for her to get herself out of the car, right as I was sprinting back.....a woman looked at her EXTREMELY MELLOW child and said, "I love you, I would never leave you in the car." just loud enough for me to hear and then shot me a glare. Like I don't love my kids, that's why I'm breaking a sweat at the POST OFFICE.....What the heck was I supposed to do, teleport the packages to my car? Its funny how all these people offer me judgement, glares, stares, but did one single person offer to help me with the boxes, or so much as hold open a door for me....no! The real issue is that I feel guilty myself so whenever someone comments, I take it personally and it makes me feel more guilty. I'm constantly getting those looks from the old men (who you know probably just beat their kids...) that say, "Get control of your kids for goodness sakes." But why do I even bother paying attention to them when my attention should clearly be more focused on my kids and being the kind of creative parent I am at home. Its really just the stares and comments and rudeness from people that get me overwhelmed, not my kids. Why don't I see too much advice on here specifically about being out in public? Does anyone know the link?

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wendyleo037

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March 5, 2007, 7:40 pm PST

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Quote From: missy77

the 1-2-3 might work for some but I personally don't believe in 1-2-3 it gives the kids time to act out 2 times before stopping! I do 1 warning, that's it!

When I used to go out in public with my then 4 y/o child he used to scream, run, hide, well everything you had said, I used to be very embaressed, you know what I did once, I found a corner, and put him there for 4 min, well belive me he was embaressed, yes he did not want to go, no he did not stay, It took me 20 min of me putting him back in the corner everytime he would run away,(I also had his brother who was 1 in his stroller) With no words no arm grabbing, he would kick and scream the whole nine yards, After he finished his 4 min, belive me he DID NOT want to go back!!!! I even had people giving me the thumbs up and smilling at me for doing this in a calm manner, I did not freak out once.<

Now he is 8 and his brogher 5, when we go out in public, I have people telling me "wow your children listen and are quite" Because they know that even if we are in public,. the disciplin will still happen, that is why you should alway's do the same disciplin at home and out! As soon as they do something that is unaceptable, time out! don't give them the chance to make that mistake 3 times before doing something!

Wow, you did that in public! That's GREAT!!! That's pretty much what we do here if she's acting up...almost exactly....but my 26 month old (Two and then some) will not sit in a stroller anymore, so if I take Hannah to a corner, she realizes this is her chance to make a BREAK for it!!! (She usually goes for something to pull off the shelf!) Thats great that you did that whole nine yards with 20 minutes of putting him back in the corner. How many times did you have to do that? I did that once at the grocery store, with putting her back everytime and it took like 30 minutes of her running out and screaming bloody murder. I don't know if I have the gumption to do it again, but if thats what it takes! Thanks everyone for all the great advice~!!!

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wendyleo037

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March 6, 2007, 8:29 am PST

good news

I always post messages when I’m frustrated, but I’m feeling pretty good today. So, I wrote this in my journal. I thought I’ld share. I’ve been getting up at 6 a.m. to have a little quiet time, clean the house, organize my day and (AH-HA!!!) to go to the grocery store before Rick goes to work (at the crack of dawn) if we need anything for the day!

Hannah and Haleigh both got hamsters last weekend. Awesome, huh? Let me just sum up my feeling on this:

Two hamsters: $15.00 on Visa Credit Card

A cage, bedding, water bottle, food, and a cute little ball so they can roll around the house: $25.00 on Visa Credit Card

Watching my four-year-old’s face while one attacks the other in an eye-clawing, go-for- the-jugular, fight To-The-Death: Priceless

An extra cage so they can co-exist peacefully: $15.00

Rapid Rewards!: Watching Rick (my husband) almost have a heart attack at having rodents welcomed into our home.

Hannah loves them, and wants to carry them around all the time. They are kind of cute, but they smell. Now my house smells. I just put them outside. I wonder if they can live out there. Is there any animal alive that makes a good pet, doesn’t smell, pees and poos in the toilet and handles easily?

We saw a baby rattlesnake on our hike yesterday. BEWARE OF THE BABY RATTLESNAKES! Don’t go looking for their mom either…SNAKE season has begun. It was right in the middle of the trail. Haleigh (2) was walking right beside me and would have walked right up on it if someone hadn’t warned us. Now she says, “Baby sssssssssss, bite me!” If these darn hamsters keep peeing on me I think I’m going just take them to the spot where we saw the baby rattlesnake and leave them there. Let nature take its due course. I’m just kidding for any Hamster Activists out there…I love animals.

We had a pretty fun day yesterday for us…we colored, played with playdough, painted, played with our hamsters. We worked on our numbers and our letters. My home has become a preschool. Then, we went to the park and the kids ran around. When we got back Hannah said, “Mommy, you’re so great, we’re going to play with you like a toy, all day long.” Talk about being proud of yourself when you look in the mirror. After three exhaustingly long-winded Princess stories, (She tells them to me most nights: that way we don’t miss a single detail.) if I can get Hannah to sleep on time and she says, “I love you Mom! Goodnight;” and then she goes to sleep satisfied. I feel like I’ve done a real good job for the day! That is pretty much the only measure I have of whether or not I’ve accomplished something. There’s no Overtime Budget or Food Cost to evaluate. I don’t get a labor percentage or a controllable profit. Definitely, no raise or promotion is on the line anymore. I work my butt off all day long for one little phrase: “I love you Mom, Goodnight!” And you know what? It’s priceless.

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wendyleo037

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April 19, 2007, 3:32 pm PDT

Bravo!

Yeah for spending some time talking about this issue!!! What about people like Brittany Spears going out partying, clubbing, going to Laker's games when she has small children to take care of? I've always said, I wouldn't trade my life for Brittany's life for a second because I wouldn't want the option of leaving my children all day and all night with a nanny! With all the things, and money, and talent that young women has....I'ld rather have my simple life, living in my simple home, taking care of my incredible children! I think a lot of people see that excitement and get jealous and want to imitate. I know I feel a tinge of that sometimes. Right before I brought the kids inside, just a few minutes ago...an older woman, with a huge belly, rolled her Mercedes Benz right up onto the sidewalk where my children were playing with chalk and asked,

"Hey, where's the alcohol.....I mean the Leasing Office?" I gave her directions to the leasing office, praying she isn't looking to rent a home here!!!! She swerved her car around the bend and then called back to me, "Did you say Right or Left?" I repeated, "Left." This woman is drunk in the middle of the day on a Thursday driving around where children are playing. Maybe she has her reasons, but it was definately a clue to me....My daughter may be old enough to play outside by herself and I trust her.....but I do not trust every KOOK that could be driving by!!

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wendyleo037

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July 17, 2007, 4:56 pm PDT

my husband

That guy is EXACTLY like MY husband! My husband and that guy are identical in the way they have to dominate the conversation and manipulate everything someone says! Ugggggrrrrrr...

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