Message Boards

Messages By: westmoneypit

User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
happy
September 18, 2006, 6:26 am CDT

Not a expert, but

I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids.  We have our issues like everyone does.  Stress, jobs, self esteem, relationship challenges, kids issues, etc... but, we found romance again by finding something to do together that we both love.  We purchased a motorcycle.  We found that buying one, we can be out together, talk about our days, and just get out away from everything.  We can still ride with others, so we can have mutual friends.  While we are going down the rode, it is just her and I even if we are riding in a group.  It has caused some excitement in the bedroom as well.  I can ask her to wear her chaps to bed for me, dress up like my naughty biker girl, so we can even use the attire for role playing.  Buying the motorcyle has been one of the best things we ever did together.  As you can tell from the story, the key to the success has been: spending more time together, communicating with each other more, and getting around other people who like what we like.  The extra benefit has been the renewed sex life and excitement that comes with that.  We have learned from other people's realtionships failures that you must do more together, not less to get along.  Good luck to everyone.
 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 18, 2006, 3:34 pm CDT

I'm no expert again, but

Quote From: firebomb

 

my hubby and i are having that issue right now...he is angry with me right now and that means that he will not be speaking to me for at least a week and then he will finally explode and it will all be because he did not get sex when he thought was due...at least that is the impression that I get....I hate not knowing what he is thinking...but on the other hand, if he is going to act like a child and not sleep in our bed and not speak to me...I feel like that when he does not get what he wants, he just starts to whine....but I am going to act my age and just let him get over it....I know that my husbnad would like for me to do the same that  your wife does for  you, but i am not confidnet enuff in myself to do that...we have been married for almost 6 years now and have two kids...sometimes i think that he is comparing me to the women that he spends time looking at when he is online checkin out the porn!!!!  if this relates to anyone,please respond 

I think that the time that people spend away from their spouse for anything other than work, kids or necessity, is time that should be spent for their partner.  I think that porn is OK, I am a guy though.  But porn is used for our pleasure at our house.  If your husband is looking at something else or for something else, then he is missing out on time that he should be using spending time with you.  You need to find the balance of his time to spend relaxing and venting to the time that you need him.  I hope you realize that porn is not the culprit, but that you have some communication isuues in your relationship. The time spend online is only a symptom of a real problem.  If he is acting like a child then her should not be upset when he is called one.  If there is a problem that needs to get resolved, the problem will not go away until you are both willing to deal with it like adults.  What ever the main issue is, figure it out and take care of it.  My feeling is that you are dealing with what many people have dealt with and that is that your relationship is changing.  You have kids, the fun is on hold, life is more challenging than fun, you do not like your job, he does not like his job, you do not have enough money, etc...  I can go on forever, but the fact is that you must both change with life if you want to stay together.  Ask him what is really bothering him.  If that is too difficult, have him write it down.  The you give him some time to explain his feelings openly.  If he writes it down and gives you time to think about it, you will not react.  Instead you must take it in, think about what he is trying to say, then let him talk while you listen.  Tell him that you want to do the same thing and you expect the same response.  The follow through.  When he does it, react politely and respectfully.  Then hopefully, he will do the same thing in return.  I found that in many relationships that I have talked about with friends, many married people lose the appreciation.  It only takes a simple "thank you" or "you look really nice today" to boost the mood and attitude of the other person.  When you get married, you just have to figure out how the other person is changing, express the way you feel, compromise or accept.  Then the key is "both of you need to get over it and move on"!  Looking at other woman, avoiding conflict, not spending as much time with you are not always driven from disliking you.  It may be he has an issue that you are not understanding or you have an issue that you are not either dealing with or he is afraid to tell you about.  Moral of the story:  Figure out how to fight fair!!!  Figure out how to talk and compromise fair!!!  Both parties win and before you know it, you are the sexiest woman on earth.  Hope this helps.  It has help me for 16 years.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 20, 2006, 6:25 am CDT

Communication is the best form of sex.

Quote From: lovebug8

I love sex.  That was no secret when we got married.  When we were dating he mentioned he liked it when I asked to do it or initiate sex.  Now I mention sex he roles over and tucks his privates between his legs.  Don't get me wrong we have sex, when he wants to.  About once a week...sometimes less.  It just hurts my feelings and well sex sucks.

Find out what is going on.  You need him to open up.  Maybe he is stressed?  Maybe unhappy about something?  Read my reply about communicating a few replies ago.  Learn how to communicate and learn "how to fight".  Getting things in front of both of you and dealing with them is the best form of passion.  Plan some alone time.  Use the one response about the candles, roses, bedroom set up mentioned before.  But, as you can see by her response as well, talking about each other's needs and issues, understanding the issues, dealing with them by comprise, and then getting over it and moving on are the keys to great love and sex.  You are both missing the emotional love more than the physical.  Try something new and exciting.  Dress up, role play, change atmospheres, get a hotel room, if one of you is interested, things will work out. 

Try to stroke his intellect.  Men need ego boosts.  Our ego is very easily hurt.  Hold his hand in public out of the blue.  Give him a kiss for no reason.  Compliment him.  Tell him how thankful you are for what he provides you and the family.  Men that feel like they are real men, worry about everything (money, whether the family is happy, whether they are doing a good job at work)  You will be surprised that he will start returning compliments as well.  That makes you closer and lends to a more passionate relationship and therefore, more sex.  Hope this helps.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
hopeful
September 27, 2006, 5:31 am CDT

Communicate?

Quote From: pnklmnad03

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?

I may have something to offer here.  My wife and I were in a similar situation.  I too was acting like you husband.  For me it was because I was tired.  Tired of being the shoulder, responsible for everything, tired of feeling like I was not providing enough.  My wife is also a stay at home mom.  She felt like I did not appreciate her, that I did not respect her position, that I did not think the things she did were important.  I was going through depression basically and I "did not know how I felt".  That is the part that caught my attention.  Here is what happened for us.  We went to counceling.  The solution for us was communication.  We had to start appreciating each other as people.  We started with thank you, how can I help you and how was your day.  You something else that sounded familiar.  You said that he did not want to listen to stuff about the kids.  The truth of the matter is, that is important to you.  You need to talk about your day, no matter how unimportant you think it might be.  It gets you talking with each other.  If you do not have a freindship with him enough to talk about the little things, how could you possible handle talking about the big things?  My gut feeling is that he is dealing with some stress, self-image issues, or just plain does not know how to feel good about himself any longer.  Men and woman both need their egos boosted once and a while and need to feel like what they are doing is worthy and important to someone.  That being said you have a couple of choices to make.  Use this letter.  Tell him that you really want to work things out.  Tell him that you are thinking of leaving, but that you know in your heart that that is not the right thing to do.  Tell him that you want to become freinds again by talking.

He needs to look at himself, find self worth (you can help be complimenting and be appreciative to him), and deal with his demons head on.  He has issues of his own.  Use the guidelines on this site for "Fighting Fair".  Tell him you care about hearing about what he needs and you will work with him.

You need to look at yourself and realize a few things of your own.  You are not just the "stay home mom".  You are a person and a woman with feelings.  You have needs like everyone else.  He is not fullfilling those needs.  What you do during the day IS important, because it is what you do to find self worth.  By talking with him about your day, you continue to strenghthen the freindship bond of your relationship.  If you say you are going to be supportive, be supportive.  Let him get our what he needs to say, and you do the same thing.  One of you has to be the understanding person first, to set the example to the other person for their turn.

The only other advice I have for you is:  Do not talk with your mom, freinds, family, etc... and say anything to them that you should be saying to your husband.  If you are finding comfort elsewhere, you may be extending the time that you are unhappy because you are not dealing with it with him like you should be.  The best advice anyone can give is "you should not be talking with me about that, you should be talking with him".  If you need some advice on how to handle something, then ask advice.  If you are dumping your feelings, that should be for his ears only.

It sounds to me like you all have alot to lose.  You are going through what everyone in a marriage and in life have gone through.  Life has changed.  You have kids, new responsibilites, less hubby/wife time, less sex due to kids around, more headaches, learning to fight fairly because there are kids, learning how to discipline together, etc...  You have opened a new chapter in life and sometimes, people do not know how to handle it.  That is what happened with us.  But we realized that we had the strength all along.  It was in our hearts and we were much stronger together than apart.  We just needed to learn how to do it together.  It starts with you and him being the best freinds you can be so that you BOTH feel like you have the appreciation and support of each other all the time.  Hope this helps.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 27, 2006, 5:39 am CDT

One more thing.

Quote From: pnklmnad03

You know the really sad thing is neither of us has had an affair. We just can't seem to get back on track this time. I know that I love him and am totally willing. He says he does not know how he feels. What am I to read from that? I keep begging him for one reason not to go and he can not seem to give it to me. Thank you for your prayers. My husband was, not so long ago a minister. It is really sad that he is going through this. I've no idea what to do to help him come out of this. I've remained by his side all these years and am feeling guilty about leaving now. But how can I stay when I am dying on the inside?
Ask him if he would like to go on a date.  Plan a nice evening.  I suspect, because of the young kids in your house that you are not spending enough hubby/wife time.  When that goes really well, that will help break the ice too. Do some things that you would have done when you were dating.  Like, hold his hand in public out of the blue.  Give him a kiss in the grocery store.  Do something that you remember that you both like when there were not kids around.  These things do not have to cost much.  Schedule some time for each other only and stick to it.  Good luck.  There really is hope when 2 good people are just going in the wrong direction. 
 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 27, 2006, 6:35 am CDT

I have a questions for you.

Quote From: mipa34

I just found out that my husband has been going to a site online where you can search for people in your local area to have sex with.  He has in the past had a problem with porn... not on a daily basis but behind my back... knowing I would be very upset.  Every single time he starts with this I catch him and he says he won't do it again, I think this is the third time, with years going in between with no problems.  With out taking up a ton of room explaining the details of the situation I am fed up.  He says he wouldn't ever meet anyone... but I feel that going to this site and signing up and actually doing searches could very easily lead to more.

It just seems like his resolve only lasts for so long.  We have a healthy sex life (we do have a 4 month old baby and a two year old... but I make sure to make time for him at least once a week... and we talk about it and he says he is happy) anyway I just happened across this stuff when he was away at a work for a 2 day overnight... I know talk about bad timing... here I am thinking he could be meeting someone right under my nose! 

I know my husband is a good man but what the heck do I do to make it clear I won't stand for this behavior?  I am tired of having this un trusting atmosphere in our relationship.  Do I need to tell him to leave if he does it again?  The problem with this is I am a Christian and don't really believe in divorce unless there is some sort of serious abuse going on.  My husband is very loving and a great father.  He is currently working two jobs so that I can stay home with our kids.  He is a great provider.  He is just a big child sometimes.

I am thinking I am going to tell him if he does this again I will kick him out (I was going to say I would leave... but why should I leave and displace my two kids... let him worry about where to go)- but do you think he/we also needs to see a therapist?  Do I request he sees someone for this?  I think he is going to protest a bit becasue as far as I can tell he has only been part of the website for a little over a month.

 

What is my part in this?  I have asked myself... and I do have issues that need to be addressed also so I am wondering if we should go together?

 

Any advise would be great. 

Do you dispprove of the online stuff or him not telling you about it?  Make sure you understand what it is that bothers you and explain it to him that way.  It is one thing to be looking at stuff, but it is another to be hiding it.  If you have approved of him looking at it before, then he is probably going to be confused when you throw out the "porn" card.  But if you throw out the "hiding things" card, that is a trust issue.  I do not have enough information to tell if you approve of him being on line looking at stuff.  If you do approve, ask him if you can do it together.  Maybe that is a thing you could share together for fun.  He may just want to look around, but thnks you will disapprove, but maybe just you not knowing, is the only thing you do disapprove of?  If he is really not sneaking around and it is something fun for both of you, then that is how it will be.  If he is sneaking around, then it is not about the website, it is about trust.  I agree with the other person, only make an ultimatum that you are going to follow though with.  I think that they should be a last resort though.  You should offer friendship and understanding first. 
 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 27, 2006, 12:24 pm CDT

Your welcome.

Quote From: pnklmnad03

First I have to say thanks to westmoneypit for helping me make a decision. I can not leave. I have to try again. I also have been enlightend to the fact that most men can not answer a question with yes or no. Thanks to my mother I've realized that he does'nt want me to leave only he did'nt come right out and say it. He told me in his own way. He says he loves me that he hasn't fallen out of love with me. He has said the very statements that westmoneypit said. It's crazy that he could be so precise. Now that my decision is made I've got to apply Dr. Phils techniques. As for you I'm so sorry. I watched for years as my mother sat and waited for my father to come around. He is a fully recovered drug addict. (THANK GOD) But all the years of neglect have taken it's toll on their relationship now. They divorced and remarried. But it's not the same. Of course I see it from the outside. I hate that "finding myself excuse". Who made the decision for them to marry in the first place,you know. I don't know how much help I can be you've had more experience but I tend to think I'm a pretty good listener or reader. Your welcome to email anytime. Thanks. 

I would be happy to offer you some things that help my marriage to you.  Breaking the ice is first.  If he says he is in love, he is.  He is having some man problems probably.  When we were having trouble, it was a for the most part, my problem.  I got in a rut where I was tired of being responsible, or at least feeling like it, for everything.  When things were bothering me, I felt like it was easier to just keep it to myself.  I did not want to trouble my wife, she had enough stuff to worry about.  I felt like it was all my problem.  What I did not realize is that I was isolating myself from my wife and my family.  I just felt overwhelmed.  Well, because of that, my wife also felt like I did not like her or care about her feelings, much like the stuff you are saying.  The only way to break through it is talk to each other.  This is the way I see it with your relationship right now: 

You have had enough of being unhappy, so much so that you are unhappy most of the time.  He sees that it just adds to his unhappiness.  You are just frustrated and feel isolated from him.  Your feelings are not being dealt with and he is not saying anything to you.

He is unhappy, but because he has been piling it on, he does not even know what to do about it anymore.  He maybe feels like he can not please his boss, his kids, his wife, etc...  He probably feels like there is no way he is going to be able to make anyone happy, so why try.  He just does not know what to do from here.

Ask him if you can start over.  Make sure that you mean it.  If you do not have any major hurdles to jump (infidelity, drug abuse, etc...) then all you have to do is start over.  Get together, talk about about what is bothering you, let him talk about what is bothering him, tell him that you are ready to move forward, tell him you want him to say the same thing, then do it (Use Dr. Phil's Fight Fair guidelines).  The biggest thing to do to break the ice would be to say "thank you" "how are you?" "I knew we were meant to be", before during and after this is all being settled.  These are big things that work toward the self esteem of the other person.  If he is really in a rut, he will start talking and soon he will start returning the compliments even.  Slow, easy, and without anger.  Passion and compassion only from here on will help make a change.  Shortly after you start talking, plan a date or hubby/wife fun time ONLY, no kids.  Right now is the time to start finding a good babysitter and using it.  If he needs to see this stuff show him.  He is not alone in the world of feeling like being a man is too hard sometimes.  That is why God gave us woman for companionship and understanding.  For us to go to when we have had too much.  To have someone to look weak in front of because the world doesn't let us let weak out there in it.  That is some of things men need from woman, in return, woman end up with the man o their dreams, because you end up with a good friend.  My wife is my best friend.  That is way it should be.  You need to have other freinds, but she will always be the best freind.  You will get there.  It takes time, but the first time he says something you do not like, the way you react will make a big difference in whether or not it gets work out or how quickly it gets worked out.  With men, you need to say "So what you mean by that is ______?"  Give him a chance to say it differently so you understand it, especially if the first thing you hear hurts your feelings.  That is something that my wife has learned to do very well, because she knows I am terrible at say things right the first time.  Good Luck.  Hope this is helpful also.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
September 28, 2006, 11:01 am CDT

How can men feel good about themselves?

I have a question for men and woman both on this.  I am suffering from a lack of body image/self image right now.  I am 36 and married.  I am 5'8", 175 pounds.  So I do not have weight issues, I don't think anyway.  My wife seems to think I am good looking. 

 

What I want to know is, why don't woman compliment men? 

 

It seems as though men are constantly complimenting my wife, of course, she is beautiful.  I just wish that once in a great while, a woman other than my wife would compliment me.  In a sense, I feel wrong by feeling this way because I am very true to my wife and my marriage.  So I wonder, why is this important to me?  I think sometimes that she feels so good about herself because she is complimented and I guess I wish the same for myself.  When I ask her why she feels good about herself, she always say "I just do".  So I am missing the how part.

 

How do I ask for a compliment or get one out of someone, without coming right out and asking?  I do not want to accidently proposition some one.  I have no intentions other than feeling alittle better about myself.

 

I want to know what other people use to help them feel good about themselves and their self image?

 

I am just needing to "get over it" like my wife says?

 

 

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
October 2, 2006, 11:02 am CDT

I will try to help

Quote From: sierra2005

I am 24 and he is 28, I am lucky if he puts out once every two weeks.We have a 9mon baby and the first couple of months I wasn't really in the mood that often, which put our sexual encounters to once a month if that.We have hit an all time "dry" of 46 days,he did give me pity sex on Sat. and it was horrible and it was on his time middle of the day when I was trying to catch up on household things while the baby was sleeping!!!! I am at the point where I am ready to find a buddy to help me out,but I am strong believer in not cheating on your spouse.Any suggestions????????Plz help.

I have been married for 16 years and we have had a few dry spells.  They usually happen around large life events (new jobs, relocating homes, kids, etc...).  The key is to keep it interesting.  What have you done to "sweep him off his feet"?  Have you tried getting friendly in the car, restaurant, local park, etc...?  Have you wore something particularly nice to bed?  What have you guys done to make it interesting?  Maybe it is just turned into the same old thing?

Judging by his age though, you may want to look at his stress level.  He may be experiencing life changes that he is feeling alot of pressure from.  New job, new boss, or maybe he is having a crisis for which he is feeling stuck in an old job and is starting to realize that 30 is coming and he has not accomplished things that he had goals to do.  Alot of time with guys, especially around the 30 age, are running into large life changes that sometimes we do not know how to deal with.  He may just need to vent some frustrations, which are not a big deal if you guys talk about them together.  You have a new baby, you are probably both feeling the pressure from that.

Have you ever heard the saying "You make love from the head down"?  This does not only apply to woman.  Remember, guys are visually aroused, woman are aroused by feeling and touch.  Be spontaneous.  You probably need some hubby/wife time without the baby where you and him can give each other attention, not just sexual attention, but intellectual adult conversation and friendship.  Feeling comfortable and not stressed will always lead to more sex.  Hope this helps.

 
User Mood
Happy

Message Emote
blank
October 3, 2006, 6:52 am CDT

Compliments are for woman only?

Quote From: nearby

Women don't compliment men for the same reason they don't buy them flowers, they wrongly think men don't need or won't respond to these acts of kindness.

 

You can ask, "How do I look?" She will assume you are just referring to a certain suit of clothes. You can say, "I was thinking of revamping my wardrobe." She will think you are starting your mid-life crisis.

 

Do you think men compliment women because they know women are insecure about their looks? Do you think women would see a man's insecurity about his looks as a sign of weakness? I think men rightly do need to hear the same kind of compliments women need and for the same reasons, but our society has not allowed for men to have needs other than sexual.

 

So the best thing to do is to reeducate; ask your wife what she thinks about you and your looks. I think you will be surprised what open and honest communication will do. As far as your other relationships (coworkers and acquaintances) if you have an established relationship already you can be honest with them as well. In some situations (as with men complimenting women) a woman complimenting a man could be seen as a flirtatious gesture.

 

I'm sure your wife's comment, "get over it" didn't apply to this situation. Surprise yourself, talk with your wife openly and honestly about your needs. You may have to reeducate yourself to be willing to try it.  Open communication, in my opinion, is always worth the risk.

Thanks for the reply.  I feel a few things about why men compliment woman.  I feel like men are Ok with it. They are not really afraid to do it for the most part when the time is right.  Sometimes woman take it OK, other times they take it like we are being a dog.  It all depends how you say it of course.  I also think that, for me anyway, that I compliment my wife because she does need it.  Sometimes I think that I compliment though, to maybe see if I can get one in return from her.  I have talked with her about this.  She evens knows that I put this out on here for comment.  I am beginning to feel like this is just how it is and I should just be OK with it.  I guess it would just be nice once and a while for someone other than my wife to give me a compliment.  I hope to get more comments about this so that I can keep showing them to her. 
 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board