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Messages By: barbwire1970

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January 7, 2007, 5:56 pm CST

Amanda says she is not my daughter - even calls me Barbara instead of mom

I made mistakes.  I was young, dumb and full of ....  I know that now.  But I thought we had gotten through all of those stumbling blocks the both of us had.  But she has chosen to feel abandoned when I am right here and she knows where I am.  She didn't even send me a Christmas card.  I would have sent one to her and the girls but she has moved and I don't know her new address or phone number.  All I have is the office number.  I sent mail there and she sends it right back to me.  I email her and she doesn't email me back.  She hates me.  She considers my sister who died at 49 years old of breast cancer to be her mother.  So she states that now her mother is dead.  When I am right here.  I miss my granddaughters something fierce.  I have just gotten off of a two week crying jag.  I just couldn't stop.  Even in the doctor's office, I couldn't stop crying.  I guess it worked itself out because the crying has stopped.  I did have to get stronger medication and different medication.  I have had four surgeries this year to fix my knees and ankles.  I still have to go through another ankle surgery because the first one didn't take correctly.  It looks like it is broken, I swear to God.  Funny looking thing. 

 

Just wish Amanda and I could forge some new ground for a new and better relationship.  I am not going to live forever...we are not promised one more day or night.  I wish with all my heart to have my daughter and granddaughters back in my life.  Even if for one more day.  Hopefully more but that one more day would be worth a million dollars in my book.

 

There has been so much loss in my family lately.  It is dwindling down to hardly no one.  I just wish she could see that too.

 

Amanda was class valedictorian, she put herself through technical college and graduated from Carolina at Chapel Hill, all this with having two children and a job.  She is so smart.  And that is the way I raised her.  But now she thinks she is too smart for me.  I thought once she became a mother, she would at least have some understanding of the reason I did the things I did.  But that didn't happen.  She just saw me as someone weak who not couldn't do better but wouldn't do better.  But that is not true either.  It is just so frusterating.  But I am going forward....that is the only way to do.

 
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January 7, 2007, 6:11 pm CST

Any one From Eastern North Carolina

Quote From: rainalaine

im from wilmington also.e-mail me @ sincerelee79@aol.com

Hi I am from Durham, NC.  Not exactly eastern...more piedmont...but I am here for ya.  barbara_billings@yahoo.com  I answer all of my emails.  I just love Toby Keith and he has a new movie out, Broken Bridges, that couldn't have come at a better time.  What with all the killing going on Jihad anybody...can you say Armeggadon?  Tonight I played piano in front of strangers.  I have terrible stage fright.  I sounded terrible and I messed up but you know they clapped and made over me like I was some kind of star.  Made me feel so good.  But do I need to practice or what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YES I DO.  I had another post somewhere around here but cannot find it yet.  My daughter and I are estranged.  I miss my granddaughters who are growing up and forgeting they have a grandmother who loves them with all her heart.  But they do not know that.  It's just so sad.  My daughter says her mother is dead.  She considers my sister to be her mother.  Nancy died at 49 from breast cancer.  She was an E9 in the Air Force.  She put in her twenty and when she retired got breast cancer the very next year.  In the next ten years she was either going to chemo or just getting over chemo.  For Ten years.  It is so sad.  She has a grandson, I think she made up her mind she was not going to die until she saw that grandson and he was a month old when she finally went.  Her heart stopped.  Then my mother died.  She was buried on December 2 of this last year.  Life is so short.  Why doesn't my daughter realize that?  It is beyond me.  I am moving forward.  Even cut out a doll last night, I sew lots of things but I had quit doing anything perhaps I am self-actualizing...At least I have quit crying.  That's a positve in my life.  Moving on up...Barbara

 
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October 19, 2007, 8:58 am CDT

Molested

I was molested at 10 years old by my very own biological father.  He was drunk as usual.  Then go into the future, my daughter was molested at 10 years old by her step-father.  I lost my mind for awhile. 

This is something you never get over.  Yes you can move on but every once in a while it will come back to you.  Something usually triggers it.  Dr. Phil's show on  the sexual predator triggered it in me.  Sometimes I can watch a show of this nature but most times I cannot.  I am going to be 55 October 22 and still it is here after 45 years.  My daughter and I do not speak - her choice - because she says the dysfunctional family stops with her.  I didn't ask to be born into a dysfunctional family. 
She has hurt me very badly.  I live on my own in an assisted living facility and she just doesn't care about me anymore.  I cannot see my grandchildren.  Everyone in my family has decided everything is my fault.  That is why I don't have anything to do with any of them.  Yes, I have had mental problems who wouldn't. 

 

I have had awful things done to me.  I don't wish to relive.  I choose to try not to remember them all.  What hurts the most is I did none of these things - they were done to me yet I am blamed.

 

I read this pillow once and it said, "God gives people families and then sits back and laughs." That is so true in my family.  I usually tell people I am an orphan.  That seems more safe somehow. 

 

The pain in my life has caused other pains.  Physical diseases that I am sure is from stress and aging.

 

But not being able to see my grandchildren is just wrong.  My daughter will reap what she sows. 

 

Barbara

 
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October 19, 2007, 9:06 am CDT

Self Matters

What does this mean?  Self matters.  I guess all the things I used to do for my family but have since quit because they don't appreciate it.  They use me and they used my sister as slaves for their tupperware parties.  We always had to make and serve the food and got nothing for it.  We were to be Jane Eyre types.

Seen but not heard.  Staff.  Isn't that awful.  My life sucks.

 
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September 13, 2008, 7:21 pm CDT

Heart Shattering Ordeal

Quote From: sueervin

I would like to comment on the one very tragic moment in my life that I shattered my heart.  November 3, 2004, I lost my 20 year old son in a car accident.  I was home alone when the state troopers came to the door to inform me of his death.  I can remember saying over and over,  "Please tell me you have the wrong boy."  From that moment until the  funeral was over, I lived on automatic pilot.  I think it is a blessing that I do not remember those first days, because I remember fully, the years that have followed.  Within the month, my husband and I entered grief counceling which was once a week for a year.  After that, I went for an additional six months.  The third of each month I go to the cemetery and write my son a letter which I keep in a folder. It would have been so easy to give up and die if it hadn't been for my oldest son.  I did not want him to think that I didn't love him enough to live.  God has been my strength and my help through this tragic time, and I still lean on him for support.  My husband and I have drifted apart because we grieved differently. I'm not saying this has been easy.  Just living each day has been very difficult, because there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son and miss him.  I know this is something I will never get over.  It took me three years to convience my husband to sell our house and let me move to where there were people around me and no memories hitting me in the face each day.  Since I have moved, I found so much peace because I am not faced with each room holding a memory of my beloved son.  He was such a joy to me, and he and I were very close.  My husband refuses to move into the townhouse with me, because he felt I should have stayed where we were.  He felt I could just close our son's bedroom door and everything would be alright.  I know my life will never be the same again because a huge part of my heart is buried with my son, but I do know that through Christ, I will see him again.  Isn't that all we have?  Our Faith?                                                                                                                                 S.Ervin

My father was an alcoholic.  He drank every Friday, Sat., and Sunday. On Friday night I remember we would ride around to the bars so my mother could get at least some of the money because if not he would drink it up and no bills would be paid.  This kept on all my life.  I never spent one single weekend in my own home because my father would come home and try to get the money from my mother and violence would result.  I was the DA.  I was in charge of getting the other children out of the house and into the car.  We had emergency bags packed, i had to make sure they were in the car also.  I had my own key to the car and could back the car out of the driveway and in front of the front door, so my mom could run and get in and off we would go to a relative or a friend's house to spend the night or the weekend.  This went on until I was sixteen.  I got a job at General Telephone part time and was making good money for someone so young.  I bought my own car which my father stole and wrecked.  I fixed it.  But when he burned our house down, that was it.  My clothes that were store bought for the first time in my life were burned and melted to nothing.  I remember telling my mom, we were sleeping in the same bed at my grandma's house, that something wasn't right, I could feel it in my bones.  She just told me to relax and go to sleep, fifteen minutes later the phone rang and it was my Uncle Jake (my father's brother) telling us our house was on fire.  We drove up and I remember the fireman were pulling the carpet out of the living room and the piano that I loved so much was half in and half out the window.  The firemen were trying to save the piano but it was no use.  The house was a total loss and we had lost everything.  Let me back up and say that before I started working, I had to make all of my clothes.  Which now is a great skill, but I wanted to look like all the other girls.  I remember getting my first very own sewing machine which had melted in the fire.  But my clothes...I was sixteen....and my clothes were ruined.  My grandma (father's) lived three doors down from us and I ran down there with murder on my mind.  I was going to kill the SOB even if he was my father, some father.  Anyway, it took four police officers to pull me off of him because I was wailing him for all I was worth.  He was drunk so it was easy.  My father also molested me at 10 years old and nobody believed me.  He would taunt me about that - telling me nobody will believe you  - so I'm going to do this with you and you are going to cooperate.  It was horrible.  I am still not over it.  My own daughter was molested at 10 years old by her stepfather.  If only I had known what he was.  But I have learned we are doomed to repeat the past unless we recognize it and chart a new course for ourselves.  If only I knew that then.  Amanda, my daughter, will not even acknowledge that I am alive.  She will not let me be in my granddaughter's lives - she says it is their decision, but how can children make that kind of decision.  I kept those children when they were young for no money and I was driving from a town away.  But it didn't matter because I loved them so much.  I sit here all alone night  and day and try to think of a way to make amends with Amanda.  She is my only child.  But I wasn't the one who did it to her.  I own that I brought that man into our lives but you can see I was ill attempted to a full and useful life, I was broken.  I didn't know the right thing to do.  I got her our of that house the next day and we didn't go back.  He was found guilty and served his five years for taking indecent liberties with a child and given a bus ticket out of North Carolina because he was from St. Joseph, MO.  And told never to come back here.  He did though.  I was terrified to see him sitting at the end of our street one day.  And the hell of it is he has not registered as a sex offender in Missouri.  And I can't get the police to do anything about it.  Alcohol has destroyed my life (even though I don't drink), and my daughter's life (I don't know if she drinks or not).  I heard she got remarried and had a baby, I don't know the sex  of the baby, and has taken advantage of the housing problem going on and bought a house.  She has a secure job and he probably has too or she wouldn't have married him...she is all about the money.  There is no solution for this.  I will be dead in my grave and she will not even care a flip.  I would love to make up with her and maybe work on our relationship.  But she will not do it.  She doesn't care.  It is so awful.  I feel useless and unworthy and why should I feel that way.  But I do.  And nothing is going to change it.  I do see a counselor every six months...but that is just to renew my drugs.  There is no therapy going on there.

 

So I will just go on with my life and hope that someday she needs me.  I would love to make a baby quilt for the baby but she would probably just throw it away.  She hates me.  It's all my fault.

 

The End.

 

Barbwire1970 from North Carolina

 

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