Messages By: flrat69

I need some help from those of you have been through the hell I am going through.  I have known my husband for 30 years, together as a couple for 15, married for 9 1/2.  I am 40.  My husband was a huge flirt, flirted with all of my friends in the first few years together, but we were dating, but not serious.  He had a 'crush' on a girl at his work, has even recently admitted to me (as we are in counselling, not helping) that he thought about having a sexual affair with her.  He had an internet 'fling' 7 years ago, had another internet 'fling' (although he says they were just friends, no sexual talk, but he would 'meet' her at the same time everyday, if I was working) in May this year.  He had a 'crush' on one of our friends 12 years ago.  I just found out recently that on the way home from a party 3 years ago, he kept putting his hand on her leg in the backseat, I was in front passenger seat with my daughter driving.  This was only 3 years ago, I thought his crush on her was past, we are very good friends with her and her husband, she was the one who told me, my husband says he can't remember, drank too much.  I have found out that at his work, one of the women sends sexual content emails to all the guys at work, sexual jokes, pictures, stuff like that.  I knew he was getting these emails, as are most of the men there, so I ask him if he did, he said 'no'.   Now for the other side of my husband, he doesn't go to bars, golfing, drinking with the boys, or anywhere except work.  He works the afternoon shift always, 4 days on, 4 days off.  We have started counselling, getting us nowhere.  The only way I can describe what is happening to me is, I am becoming cold.  I am getting more and more depressed.  I obviously cannot trust him, but have no proof that he is doing anything other than what can be described as extreme flirting.  Can you end a marriage based on that?  We have 2 children, 8 and 10.  Not so easy to just up and leave.  I still love my husband, he claims to love me, says he adores me and he has claimed this since he was 14.  I hate what is happening to me, some days I just don't want to go home.  I feel like crying regularly, but have to put on a happy front at work and especially in front of the kids.  My daughter heard us fighting the other day, which we don't do very often, and she was very angry at me because "I was mad at her daddy for talking on the computer", she said "that was a stupid reason to be mad at him.  Not one day goes by now that I don't feel confused, depressed, angry, cold, indifferent, helpless, I run the gammot of emotions every day.  I am normally a bubbly happy person, I hate what is happening to me, but is ending the marriage the answer?  I don't know what to do.  Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boyfriend of 5 years came to me and told me he had made a mistake and he had cheated on me.  He begged my forgiveness and asked me to give him a chance to prove himself to me.  Since that time he has asked me to marry him (one plus I think) but on the negative, has done nothing but push me away.  He states that I just need to relax and when am I going to get over this.  If I ask him thing like "what did you do today" he says I am questioning him, he tells me I never give him any space and one time when I checked out his story he told me I was snooping and he hates a snoop.  Everything indicates to me that he is cheating again but he say no.  When I started seeing him he was involved with a married woman, he cheated on me with a married woman, and I found out through all of this that he cheated on his ex-wife with a married woman and I was not quite divorced when he started up with me.  Seems to be a pattern but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt (I don't know why).  I do I get past the affair if he will not talk to me and if I get upset and try to discuss how I am feeling with him he shuts me down and says he is tired of the crap.  Shouldn't he be kissing my ass.  How do I move on and also if I shouldn't....How do I say goodbye?

Desperate for help.

I feel terrible for you. I went through the same thing 2 years ago. My husband cheated on me our first year of marriage, while I was pregnant. He lied about it the whole affair and then for a whole year after the affair ended. It drove me CRAZY...I seriously felt like I was losing my mind. I knew something happened but he was such a good liar, he actually turned it around, making me think I was the crazy, jealous person who needed to get a grip. Finally I found out about the affair, as soon as I knew it to be true I couldn't get enough information...I wanted every detail and I drove myself crazy all over again. A year after the affair happened, finding out, was like living it all over again. If you know he cheated on you, there are always going to be things you will not know. We love the men in our lives so much sometimes we are able to believe anything. "What is done in darkness will one day be shouted on the rooftops". All of his ways will be found out...don't drive yourself mad trying to find out every detail, it makes it worse on you. Remember every detail you know is one more detail you have to forget and forgive. I stayed with my husband and we are doing much better. What helped us the most was his attitude to be open and my attitude to let it go. I had to quit trying and just start enjoying and having fun with my husband. I also had to accept that it was NOT ME, it was not my fault. No matter what I did or didn't do or how pretty I was...nothing would have stopped it. He had a problem...GOOD LUCK, I really feel for you and will pray for you. =)

I am very happy for you.  I know there are wonderful people out there who truly can love only one person.  I think many problems in relationships stem from the fact that they think it is honeymoon forever.  Relationships have ups, downs and in betweens.  But its what we put into the good and bad times that determine the outcome.  My problem is that I am not sure if my husband is snowing me.  I don't want to find out a year or more from now that he has been having an affair, but was just really good at hiding it.

I hope you have a long, healthy and happy life with your wife.  Thank you for your input into my troubles.  It is nice having mans perspective on the situation.