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Messages By: ohdang13
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February 10, 2007, 12:37 am PST
 Quote From: jackiebryan80 Hi, I am 26 years old. I am the youngest of 3 kids (30, 27, and 26). I have always been told I am the black sheep of the family. My mom died when I was 13 (94) of cancer. She was 42. My dad & I have never had a realationship & never will. All my life I have been told by my family, my dad especially that I was adopted (I'm not). I've also been called the mistake by my whole family. When my mom died, my dad came home from work, saw me with a knife to my throat and started to laugh. I've also been verbally and emotionally abused by my dad. I was sexually harassed at work by a female employee and when I told my dad, he laughed. It makes me sick because my brother has always been the favorite child of my grandparents, and my sister has always been my dads favorite kid. My brothers the 30, & my sister 27. My dad also makes fun of me because I have a learning disability. At both my brother and sisters weddings, when they did the father-daughter dance, it was only my dad & sister. When I get married, I don't want my dad or stepmom there. I almost died in 2005 and they (my dad & stepmom) never came to see me in the hospital. My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. I am also the black sheep in my family. I am 36 and the oldest of 4 kids. I also grew up with a learning problem. I had severe ADHD most of my young life. My parents never came to my wedding but they did go to my sister and brothers weddings. I know how bad it hurts to feel like you just don't fit in or belong in your own family.
But you need to remember this...None of this your fault! You did not do anything wrong in life. They obviously have some serious issues they need counsiling for.
Do you have a girlfriend at the moment? Do you have true friends that you can count on? Sorry if I seem pushy but I want to hear in more detail what your life is like outside your family.
I remember how bad I felt and if I can give you any advice that will help you I will certainly try...YOU ARE NOT ALONE OUT THERE...I have been where you are right now. I hope to hear from you soon. |
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February 10, 2007, 12:57 am PST
Quote From: denandbru I'm so lonely. My H and I have been married for a little over 10 years. When we got together, granted I was much thinner.....I had a 2-year-old from a previous marriage and my H and I had our first child together a year after we got together. During that time he went through a jealous phase...I couldn't curl my hair, talk to guys, wear colored jeans, etc. and he went to counseling and supposedly got "over it" (although through the years, even being heavier than I was before, I can see the jealousy coming out in different ways).
Around the time I had that child, we found out that my ex-husband was inappropriate with my oldest and so I had court dates galore for about 3 years trying to convict him and keep him away from my daughter. During this time, my H wouldn't allow me to talk about my feelings because it would "affect his family" meaning myself and his now two kids by me. So I didn't. It was starting then that I realized he didn't really care about anything I felt.
Here we are...10 years later....we maybe have sex once every two weeks and that is just when I feel he is getting upset and will snap at the kids for not going to bed early (which for a 14-year-old to have to go to bed at 9 pm on the weekends is absurd). I used to talk to him when we went to bed (at the same time) about 6 years ago, but he would just pretend like he was asleep. I used to try to put on something "pretty" or "sexy" and come out into the family room while the kids were asleep and he would just watch t.v. without a comment or anything (I was only about a size 9 at the time - I'm 5'8"). So, I began to stay up...purposely.....
Now, it's to the point where he goes to bed at 7:30 p.m. while I'm still either working (I work from home) or doing kid stuff (with a 14-year-old in Cheer and homework projects), preventing me from even sitting down until they go to bed around 9 p.m. or just before at 8:30 or so to "snuggle" with them as they put it (the youngest are 9 and 8), but then he gets upset when he wakes up at 11 p.m or 4 a.m. and makes advances on me and I shudder.
He told me just recently that he doesn't want to hear about anything.....not my day, my work, the bills, the lack of money for bills, the kids' activities, and he doesn't even know the names of my kids' teachers. We don't talk, kiss, hold hands, nothing. His excuse is that he is not a romantic person and if I wanted that I should go somewhere else.
I can't believe he's happy. He drinks beer EVERY night and chews Copenhagen and just watches t.v. until he goes to bed. I keep the kids in check and pay bills, clean the house, work, etc.
I just can't make myself roll over and let him do his thing for 10 seconds and then him say, 'Oh sorry', get up and take a bath and go back to sleep without another word. It sickens me.
Any suggestions or am I a lost cause? I don't think your a lost cause..not at all! I think your are trying everything in your power to keep your family and marriage together. I applaude you for that. I would have lost my patience a long time ago and walked out. You have true stamina and you need to understand that is a very admireable quality!
You say you don't think your H is happy and I agree with you. He does not sound happy at all. But You are not happy either. I think there is something going on with your husband that is afraid to talk to you about. He seems to live in denial with the beer drinking every night. Can I ask, How old is your H? It may be a mid life crisis going on for him. I know us women go through that and I truely believe men do to.
Do you know what his long term goals were when he's was younger? Do you know if he ever achieved any of those goals? Reality may have crashed down on him and realizes he's no youngnster anymore. Once we reach a certain age our own mortality smacks us in the face and it can be hard to face the fact that are aging and we can not stop it. I know I have seen it happen to my hubby and he showed some other characteristics you mention. I was very angry at his turn in personality and I finally exploded on him and he opened up and confesed his biggest fears to me.
His fear was getting old and not reaching the goals he set for himself. It hurt me to listen to that. I am not saying that is what is wrong with your H but it couldn't hurt to look into it some. Men really do have all the same fears that us women have. I also agree you should not let him ignore you all day then just walk in the room and think he's allowed to get sex. That is rewarding bad behavior. Stand your ground and tell him I am not in this home for your sexual gradification.
If you could give me his age and a little more about his job maybe we can figure out the best way to approach him and hopefuly get him to talk to you. Just don't feel bad...you are doing everything right...be proud of yourself! |
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February 10, 2007, 1:16 am PST
Quote From: momuv37 My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years - we have 3 great kids and love each other very much - when we were first together, he was pretty attentive, but once we'd been married a couple of years, he wasn't so much anymore. I know he grew up in a home where no one was very affectionate, but do I have to pay for that? they also weren't ones to communicate very well, mainly when there were problems - I've always felt uncomfortable talking to my husband about certain things - talking about the kids and money doesn't make me feel that way, but intimacy issues, that sort of thing does - I think I feel that way because he's always been more the type to keep his feelings to himself - I mentioned a few weeks ago that I feel bad that the only time he initiates saying "I love you" is when we're making love - I'm always the one to initiate saying it outside the bedroom - he just says he loves me and he doesn't know why he never thinks to say it in general - I know when you marry someone you should love them flaws and all - I'm positive there are things about me and my personality that must bother him - he just never complains - do I just live with it or do something about it? I do love him very much! You said you feel uncomfortable talking about certain things with your husband because he keeps his feelings to himself. But maybe he feels the same way. Let me ask you, Do you think by talking about certain things with him that he will look at you funny or form a bad judgement about you? And if you answer yes understand that is a perfectly normal answer. We all seek approval from our spouse and our biggest fear is they laugh or put us down for how we feel on the inside.
I'm willing to bet your husband has these same fears also. So both of you sit back and really want to say what is on your minds but both afraid of how the other will take it. So you guys just keep it inside. I say you make the first move. Tell him that this is going to be very hard for you, but you really want to get this out in the open. Then just say what you want to say. Remember your husband loves you and does not want to hurt your feelings. Once he realizes that you have thrown fear to the wind and said what you had to say he will see it is okay to do the same.
You also mentioned you feel bad because he only says I Love You while making love with you and you want it hear it outside of the bed. But let me ask you this, When he does say I Love You do you feel it is from the heart? I feel deep down that he is being very honest when he says i love you. And he may feel that you know how deep his love is for you. I know of some men who say I love you all day long to their wives but treat them like crap. I don't think it's how often he tells you he loves you that matters..I think it is how deep it comes from the heart that says everything. One I Love You from the heart is worth way more than 20 I LOve You's that are just words being said.
I think you 2 have the grounds for a wonderful marriage you both just have to get past your fear of being honest about your deep feelings. I say you make the first step and see if he follows you. If he does then you are on the right path. And please tell me how it turns out...I hope for all the best for both of you! |
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February 11, 2007, 11:29 pm PST
Quote From: merlyn_75 Hello everyone, I'm so desperate to find some answer to my question about my marriage and h. Maybe there's someone to who can recognized themselves with my position now.. Here it is.... I have been married for 12 yrs now and have had a rocky road marriage. We got married when I was 19 and my H was 21, maybe that was kind of early. We have three wonderful daughters. All those years we've made it trying to understand each other. And some of it works.. Now after 12 yrs my husband keep on saying that he don't love me anymore as his wife. He just love as his bestfriend and mother to his children. He has been working a lot, we even don't spend that much time together. It's like work, Eat, watch tv/reading books and sleep. It's only now a few days ago since we really started to talk seriously about our relationship. I tried to tell him that we can try to repair the relationship but he said he's done, and there's no chance anymore. I love our family that's why I want to keep it whole. He's 34 now and I'm 32. The thing that he want's now is when he sees me he want to feel that he's longing for me and when he's out of town he want's to feel that he miss me, but don't feel any of those. Is there is possibilities to keep our marriage still. I love him so much. Maybe his having middle age problems..... Thankful for advice and opinions.... I think your husband still loves you and is in love with you. But it sounds like the problem is that you 2 have been together for a long time and have gotten used to each other. Let me explain what I mean by that.
I have been married for 17 years and there were times that I would ask myself..Do I still love my husband the way I did when I first met him? Am I still in love with him? I did some hard soul searching and realized I am still in love with him very much but the love I feel has changed. My love is much more comfortable and secure now.
Young love is always so scarey and exciting. That is when you really feel the heart pound and palms start to sweat when you see them walk into the room. But once you've been with someone for years the pounding heart and sweaty palms dissapear. It is replaced with a warm, fuzzy, secure feeling all over the body when they walk through the room.
I think your husband does not think he's in love anymore because he doesn't feel the pounding heart. Some people feel that if they lose that feeling then they are not in love anymore. I think he needs to realize that your relationship has matured and so has the love you both feel for each other.
Ask your husband to do this...Ask him to visualize your leaving him in some tragic way...nothing too bad...but something that would move his heart strings for a bit. Tell him to just dwell on the concept of you not being with him anymore. I am willing to bet that he feels a pain deep in his heart.
Sometimes people really do think they have fallen out of love until something bad happens, then the pain of that lose comes crashing down hard. Their eyes open and they realize they were in love the whole time.
It seems he wants an eye opener. You said, "The thing that he wants now is when he sees me he wants to feel that he's longing for me and when he's out of town he wants to feel that he misses me." To me it sounds like he has taken your good luck in this relationship for granted ...And I don't mean that as a bad thing. Its just that when he goes out of town or is away from you he does not feel a need to worry about you. Because he has been away from you before and nothing bad has ever happened to you or your relationship.
Let me ask you, When you 2 are separated for what ever reason and a problem comes up at home...Do you call him for help or do you just solve the problem without him? If you are a very self-reliant person and take care of the problems so you don't have to worry him, that could be a reason this is happening right now.
You may need to give him a reason every now and then to worry about his family. I think he wants to feel his heart pound hard in his chest again. For example...say you slip on a rug in your bathroom and take a fall or cut your finger washing dishes...it's probably no big deal and no major injury but it would certainly get your heart pounding for a minute. If something like that happens, pick up the phone and call him...tell him you took a spill in the bathroom and it scared the mess out of you and you just needed to hear his voice to help you calm down. When he hears what happened to you and that your nervous or scared that will cause him to react the same way. And once he gets off the phone with you he will think about that throughout the day and wonder if your really okay.
It's not until we feel we are losing someone or they are hurt that we feel the adrenaline really pumping. This may sound crazy to you or it may not even apply to you and I'm sorry if I could not help you. This is just so hard to put into words. But if you have any questions about what I wrote please messege back and I will try to go into more detail for you.
Best of luck to you and don't worry...he does still love you deeply. |
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February 11, 2007, 11:33 pm PST
Quote From: momuv37 thank you so much for your response - I greatly appreciate it and your thoughts make a lot of sense! momuv37 I do hope this works for you...best of luck. :) |
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February 11, 2007, 11:51 pm PST
Quote From: felangi Hey my friend is going through a few problems in her relationship and phones me up everyday to ask for advise and support. We are very close and i'd like to be honest to her but i don't want to plant things in her head and make things worse for her. I also know her husband and thinks he's a lovely guy but things sometimes do get out of hand.
A bit of background to her relationship: She went to England in the beginning of 2004 (19 years old then) and met a english guy (12 years her senior)in her first week. They've been together for a while until he cheated on her with someone from work. They broke up obviously for about 6 months until she went and said goodbuy for the last time before she returns for her home country again. He's been emailing her ever since and messaging and regretted what happened in the past. She had very strong feelings for him and decided to give it another go in England. 4 Months later they got married after having a very close and happy relationship for the second try. She fell pregnant about 2 months after they got married and was in 7th heaven, both of them. They never even considered that the big age gap will be a problem because he is very open minded and understanding.
The baby arrived in october 2006. Her husband started going out a lot and after confronting him about it he finaly admitted that things happened a bit fast and he felt like just getting out a bit, that's his way of dealing with it. Then all of a sudden the girls from his work start texting him after hours about work stuff, which my friend felt could wait till the next day. She mention to him that it's getting a bit out of hand and he acused her of being jealous and broke a kettle and a tv in his rage about it. The texts never stoped but she's trying to accept it although it's driving her mad inside. She was blaming herself for just having a baby and not back to her normal size again and thought that he was not finding her attractive and she just kept trying harder and harder to try and make herself pretty for him.
Until today she's been out with girlfriends about 3 times only until 12am at the latest cause she feels guilty because of the baby. A few nights ago she and 2 of her friends and her husband went out( she loves going out with him and he's comfortable eventhough he's the only guy, great thing about him). When they got home the husband went to bed and she and her friends stayed up a bit later having 'girlie' chats. The friends slept over and the next morning hell broke out. He woke up and had a go at his wife infront of her friends about him living with a teenager in his house and his terretory. I thought that a bit unfair seing that she basically gave up her young live for the love of her life and she never get a chance to have a bit of siliness with her friends.She alway keeps his house in a good condition, clean after him,washing,etc. She's been building all this stuff up inside her that she just finaly broke and said if that's how he feels she'll pack her bags and leave. All he said was FINE!!!!
I told my friend to take a break and come and visit me for a while with her baby to give him his space. I don't want her to just give up on their relationship, they've got a baby. I was hoping that while they're apart they might think things through and find a different sollution. I don't want to get too involved and giving her the wrong advise that might end up in a divorce. What am i to do? Wil my suggestion work of them taking a break? Please help!!!!! I think your advice to your friend is correct! They do need a break from each other. Well, I think your g/f needs a break from him. I don't think see should stay in a relationship that makes her feel like a child. And by what I've read that is how it sounds. He sounds very controlling of her.
He can go out and have fun, women can text him and he can come and go as he pleases...while she is almost a prisoner in her own home. It sounds like he treats her as one of his kids. I think she needs to rethink he marriage to him. By what you said, she does not sound happy at all...and who would be?
I think you should get her to come stay with you and then ask her how she really feels about her marriage. If she says she wants a divorce then I would stand behind her and help her any way you could. I'm sure you love your friend so any advice you may give her is not going to be bad. You only want whats best for her and her baby. I personaly feel she sound leave him for good. That relationship is toxic to her and the baby. But I am not aware of everything going on. I say you follow your heart in this matter...you will make the right choices. |
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February 12, 2007, 2:46 am PST
Quote From: merlyn_75 Hi, Thank you so much for enlightning my feelings and mind... I believe i did understand every single word you wrote. Right now he want's to separate it's because he wants some time for himself. I dont know if I'm doing right but I'm gonna let him go and wont stop him. So maybe he realized something good. I usually call him about the problems at home esp. when it comes to children when they are sick or they have some quarrel in the school. Then when he's coming home from work that's the first thing he's asking, so I guess you're right. But I told him that what if I move back home and find someone else and aftera while he had some regret and want me back. HE just said that he's happy for me, and that's it. Actually Me and H have different cultures I'm actually from the Philippines and he's from here in finland and It's very hard for me right now. It feels like I just want to go home and be with my father and mother coz now that I'm here I really don't have anyone to rely on. Thankfull that you response to my letter.. Please keep on writing if you think that you have more to say or advice... I think you really are doing the right thing. The old saying goes, If you set someone free and they come back then it was ment to be. I think by him being away from you will begin to pull on his heart strings and he will want to come home. I believe he will realize that he can not replace you and that his true happiness is with you. Me and my husband also went through this. He felt he was not in love so we parted for a while. He dated a couple women but he said there was something huge missing...Me. All the little things he took for granted were the things he layed in bed at night and thought about. And by the time he realized he had made a misstake I was dating someone I really liked alot. That really scared him. He was so worried I was going to replace him. I think that is what opened his eyes wide. He understood at that moment he had made a huge misstake. We were apart for about 2 months and have gotten back together and things are wonderful now. We both understand that even though we don't have the sweaty palms we are still very much in love and can not replace each other.
I really think he will see this also. And it may hurt very much while this is all going on and I know how much you miss him but this will all work out for the best. I truely feel deep in my heart that will come home a better man after this separation. And I applaud you for being so strong and doing what needs to be done!
I think going home to your parents would be a good idea. You need lots of love and support right now. And your parents can give you lots of good advice to keep you going. Just keep your head up and smile sweetie! You sound like a wonderful woman and I know your husband will see the light soon. Just remember, no matter what happens, it is not your fault. You have done everything in life just right! I hope to hear from you soon...we all need someone to talk to.:) |
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February 12, 2007, 3:06 am PST
I am an American living in Germany and since moving here I have had a real eye opener. The problems that I have seen in America do not exist here in Germany. And I think that is because of the way they raise their kids here. We are a military family and have been in Germany for 1 1/2 years now. Kids here are aloud to drink at the age of 14 here. You would think that would lead to early addiction but from what I see it does not. There are sooo many teenagers here that have had beer at an early age and they discover it is no big deal to be drunk. It is rare to find a teenger drinking in bars...they do go to bars but they usualy end up just drinking soda.
Maybe if we took the secret out of alcohol when kids were younger and stop making it seem like such a grown up thing to do kids would not feel the need to do it all the time. We all know as parents, as soon as you tell your kid that something is forbidden to them the first thing they try to do is just the thing we said not to do.
And for the teens drinking and driving...I think the driving age is too low in our country. Here in Germany you must be 18 to be able to drive. Then if you want to drive you must take a 6 month driving school course. And if you pass the driving school the you must pay 2000.00 Euros for the D.L. That amount is equal to about $2500.00 in U.S. money. Needless to say, there are very few accidents here. And if you get caught drinking and driving here...even on your bicycle...you will lose your D.L. for good.
I feel we are to strick on somethings but way to laxed on other things. But that is just my opinion on this subject. I think we should look at other cultures and see how well things work for them and maybe try to adopt new ideas into our own culture. |
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February 12, 2007, 3:13 am PST
Quote From: fotoman1133406 14 yrs ago this Wed(Valentines Day), I first met my late wife. Apr. '06 I lost her to kidney disease. Now, I'm having to face my first Valentines Day without her...What am I gonna do? My heart goes out to you this Valentines Day and I will be thinking of you. I really wish there was something to say to make this better for you but I know no matter what i or anyone else says will not make this any easier for you. Do you have family to spend the holiday with? I truely hope so. I am sure all of us in this messege room wish you all the best in life and feel very bad for your lose. I will be thinking of you! |
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February 12, 2007, 11:03 am PST
Quote From: momisme2 I dont understand the doc telling Amanda that if she wants her marriage to survive she has to quit her job. Seems to me, her choice in work is the LEAST of their problems! I know the doc is old school and pretty chivaralistic, but I dont think where she works should have any effect on the marriage. I agree with the poster who said what would you choose? Flipping burgers for a hundred bucks a week or exotic dancing for a hundred bucks a night. If I had the body and could get away with it(hubby wouldnt like itlol) I sure would cash in on that deal! Also, I thought it was rather presumptious of the doc to tell Amanda that she HAD to tell this other guy it was over. It sorta came off to me as he was bullying her into that decision. What good does that do? Seems that ought to have been soley her and her husbands call. Pushing her into doing that seems a not too smart way to go about things, imho. He should have let her(and hubby) make the choice and gone from there. Also... im STILL wondering if they gave did in fact hand over alcohol(sure looked like he was drinking a beer to me) to that Scott dude after his temper tantrum on last weeks show. Would like a yes or no answer to that question! Wow...seems like a whole lot of people in here are on a very high horse huh? LOL. I bet everyone making these huge judgements has never done anything "colorful" when they were younger.LOL...gimme a break already. You seem to be in the hot seat momisme for your posts again....too funny. Well, once again I am on your side. I did not realize we were in the room with sooo many perfect people.
I guess us sinner need to stick together..lol. So bring it on! |
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