Quote From: asmithwifeJacqueline, I watched you today and first of all, let me offer you some understanding. At eighteen, I was just like you -- I had found the love of my life and married him. Now, we didn't have an age difference to contend with, or years of disparate experiences and accomplishments to be a barrier. We were the same age, met in the church nursery, grew up together, etc. Ten years and a beautiful three year old later, he left us, feeling deprived of the freedom and fun of his twenties. After a lot of counseling, I came to realize that both of us married for all the wrong reasons -- emotional security, a mistaken notion that marriage brought freedom, and most damaging, a very misguided idea that somehow we were extremely more mature than other people of 18 and therefore capable of not only making this commitment, but seeing it through. People tried to stop us, but, like you and Sanjay, we were certain of each other. At eighteen, my dear, you are as old as you have ever been and you feel as if you have arrived on the world in full form. You have not. I was extremely upset that the man who claims to love you never once came to your defense, never once told us how you, unlike other 18 year old girls, are mature and wise beyond your years; rather letting his friend continually strike at you. I found it pitiful that the friend didn't seem to hold his 40 year old, intelligent, ambitious, and accomplished friend to any accountability. I want you to hear what we other women heard that should send you SCREAMING away from him:
"I dated a woman who was 41 with a Ph.D. She didn't want me taking care of her, didn't want my gifts. (this is the important part -- pay attention) SHE WANTED US TO BE EQUAL, TO BE PARTNERS, BUT I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY. I LIKE A MORE TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIP." Let me translate for you: I didn't want a woman who was my intellectual equal. I much prefer a woman THAT I CONSIDER SO DEEPLY INFERIOR TO ME that I can mold and shape her into who I want her to be and control her through material things and my maturity. "Take care of" is a thinly disguised euphemism for "take control of" and you aren't the first woman to mistake the two.
"I deeply loved my wife. I still mourn her. She was an incredible woman. (now pay attention again) JACQUELINE IS NOTHING LIKE HER." Surely you don't need a translation for that! That's guy-speak for "I'm slumming with you."
Every woman deserved to be desired by her husband more than any woman he has ever known before -- I know, because my second husband gives that to me. But I had to be 35 before I had the good sense and judgment to recognize who I was and who I needed in my life. You are no different -- the fact that you considered yourself to be only marketable as a sugarbaby indicates you do not have a healthy self-image. Sanjay is validating that your purpose in life is to look good on his arm.
BAIL GIRL!
this today. My job has it's boring days with not much to do. You letter spoke to me because my 18 year old daughter got married this summer. She is expecting her first baby in December. I did not want this for her so soon and so young. But whats done is done and I have accepted it. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, but you seemed to not only survive, but have done well.
You were so right in your opinion of Sanjay. That was what bothered me so much. I felt that he wanted someone he could control. But you know so well from experience young people have all the answers, even when they don't know the questions. Good luck to you .
