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Messages By: shananadreams

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upset
October 2, 2006, 9:33 am CDT

Why does family hurts us the most?!

You know I feel like I don't know my family anymore. We've had a rough couple of years in my family. I try to be strong, but my strength is faltering. My mother passed away in June of 2005 and before the grief had a chance to settle my sister had her children put into foster care due to drug use. All I ever had was my mom and my sister. I don’t have any contact with my dad. I always felt like I had the “mother” role in my sister’s life because my mother had gotten in car accident that forever changed her when we were very young. Now before I’ve had a chance to deal with what has happened to my sister and her children another problem has come up in my life. All this has happened in the last year and a half. My uncle, who is also my godfather, has decided to disown me.

 

The reason is because I still speak to his ex-daughter-in-law. His son lives out of town and she called me and told me that my cousin (her ex-husband) had a baby with his new girlfriend. The reason she knew was because my cousin called her to pick up the kids because he was at the hospital waiting for his baby to be born. The whole pregnancy had been kept hush hush. My grandmother had to see that the new girlfriend pregnant before they told her. The baby was born on a Tuesday and on the following Friday I had told my aunt that the baby was born. Well then she told my grandmother. Well my uncle called my grandmother on that Sunday to tell her and well you guessed it . . . she already knew and apparently it was my fault and I had no right to tell her! Apparently they were not sure it was my cousin’s baby and wanted to go see the baby first before they said anything. He had my grandmother call me and say if I did not stop talking to his ex-daughter-in-law that I would lose him and his family. Well I was so hurt that first he would threaten me like that and secondly he had my grandmother do his talking for him, putting her in the middle!! I told my grandmother that wasn’t a big threat since I never heard from him and he never invited us to his gatherings. He wasn’t really apart of my life. The only time I really seen him and his family is on holidays. It was the fact that he even threatened me that really made me upset! Now I feel like an outsider. I’ve refused to go to any family gatherings and now with the holidays coming up then it’s already hard because my mom is not there to share it with me, but I don’t want to go because I don’t want to be around someone who feels like their life is better without me. Why should I got just to feel uncomfortable, but it’s my family, especially my children that get the short end of the stick. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my wits end! I open for suggestions.

 
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Sad

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upset
October 4, 2006, 8:56 am CDT

Why does family hurt us the most?!

 

You know I feel like I don't know my family anymore. We've had a rough couple of years in my family. I try to be strong, but my strength is faltering. My mother passed away in June of 2005 and before the grief had a chance to settle my sister had her children put into foster care due to drug use. All I ever had was my mom and my sister. I don’t have any contact with my dad. I always felt like I had the “mother” role in my sister’s life because my mother had gotten in car accident that forever changed her when we were very young. Now before I’ve had a chance to deal with what has happened to my sister and her children another problem has come up in my life. All this has happened in the last year and a half. My uncle, who is also my godfather, has decided to disown me.

 

The reason is because I still speak to his ex-daughter-in-law. His son lives out of town and she called me and told me that my cousin (her ex-husband) had a baby with his new girlfriend. The reason she knew was because my cousin called her to pick up the kids because he was at the hospital waiting for his baby to be born. The whole pregnancy had been kept hush hush. My grandmother had to see that the new girlfriend pregnant before they told her. The baby was born on a Tuesday and on the following Friday I had told my aunt that the baby was born. Well then she told my grandmother. Well my uncle called my grandmother on that Sunday to tell her and well you guessed it . . . she already knew and apparently it was my fault and I had no right to tell her! Apparently they were not sure it was my cousin’s baby and wanted to go see the baby first before they said anything. He had my grandmother call me and say if I did not stop talking to his ex-daughter-in-law that I would lose him and his family. Well I was so hurt that first he would threaten me like that and secondly he had my grandmother do his talking for him, putting her in the middle!! I told my grandmother that wasn’t a big threat since I never heard from him and he never invited us to his gatherings. He wasn’t really apart of my life. The only time I really seen him and his family is on holidays. It was the fact that he even threatened me that really made me upset! Now I feel like an outsider. I’ve refused to go to any family gatherings and now with the holidays coming up then it’s already hard because my mom is not there to share it with me, but I don’t want to go because I don’t want to be around someone who feels like their life is better without me. Why should I got just to feel uncomfortable, but it’s my family, especially my children that get the short end of the stick. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my wits end! I open for suggestions.

 
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Sad

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blank
October 6, 2006, 10:59 am CDT

Black Sheep of the Family?

Quote From: dovebird1

Hello,

 

If there are others at your family gatherings that you want to visit with and want your children to visit with, then go to them.  Don't allow your uncle to make that choice for you.

 

You have every right to stay in touch with whomever you choose...whether it be an ex in-law or whoever...as long as it's a positive and healthy connection.  You can visit with your cousins ex-wife, but I would stay away from airing the family gossip because it will only hurt your relationship with her.  Stay positive, offer each other support...but allow her and yourself to deal with the family turmoil seperate from your friendship.

 

Take Care.

Thank you for the reply. I know I shouldn't let him make that choice for me, but I already feel out of sorts with not having my mother here for family gatherings and to add the feeling that someone feels you're the problem in their life that they're better off without you is overwhelming to me. I stay in touch with his ex-daughter-in-law because her boys and my son love to hang out. If I left their relationship up to him it would be non-existent.

 
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confused
October 31, 2006, 8:46 am CST

I know no good can come from this

I've read a lot of the messages posted and I recognize that I am at the point of starting an emotional affair. There is a man who I haven't seen in two years. I ran into him two weeks ago. He was one of my closest friends. I cut off all contact with him because I got mad at him for asking me to do him a favor, which I didn't want to do and I felt like he did not respect my answer. But when I saw him again I felt a strong feeling of wanting him back in my life. He and my husband have never liked each other. I know that I shouldn't have a friend that my husband wouldn't approve of, but I try to rationalize it to myself that we are just friends. So we started talking and I got all those feelings that I love getting from him. We can just talk and he is so caring and understanding. He listens to me and gives me his advice and I do the same with him. He’s one of my best friends and he tells me the same thing. There’s nothing that we don’t know about each other with the exception of the last two years that we haven’t spoke, but we are catching up and have been talking for hours. The problem is he’s already made sexual remarks to me. I’ve told him that I’m not gonna go there with him because I’m married (he's single). His response was that he would respect that and he wouldn’t put the moves on me, but that if I ever wanted to go there with him that I had to make the first move. I know that I would not make the first move so I felt safe. I’m not the first move type girl in any situation. I have convinced myself that I could resist any temptations of it becoming more because I know that he is not a man I would want to be in a relationship with (outside of friendship). I don’t want to risk my marriage by being his friend. I’m trying not to get involved, but there's something about my friend that draws me in. I try to fight it with every ounce of strength I have, but I’ve realized how much I’ve missed talking to him over the last couple of years. I’ve had a lot of troubling times in the last couple of years and he was always the first one I wanted to talk to. I know this is a recipe for disaster, but I’ve only been talking to him for two weeks and it’s hard for me to let him go again. However my marriage is important to me too. I don't want to cause any problems in my marriage, but it feels like I am in such a tug-of-war with myself. Why can't I just let him go again?

 

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