Messages By: luv4red

My story is a bit different.  My husband and I  married 9 years ago.  When we first married, he didn't know where his mother was or if she was even still alive for that matter.  She had given him up @ the age of 11 and sent him to live with his abusive father because 'she couldn't handle or control him.'  His father lived 2 states away.  His father passed away just before I met my husband and he had literally no one at the time.  MY husband was 31 when I met him.  His mother never let herself be known, etc........

Anyway, I could tell he really had a lot of feelings and emotions about her.  I went throught US Search and finally found her after a lot of research.   It turned out at the time to be the most beautiful situation.  Of course there were some unanswered questions and some issues there, but with a lot of talk, understanding and love, it was worked out.  MY mother in law had always been extra sweet to me and thankful to me for helping her son.  He had also had a past that we're very fortunate that he's been able to overcome and she also accredits me with that.  I'm not sure it's fair for me to take all the credit, but I'm certainly glad that I was able to be there for him and able to help.   Well, as I mentioned all had went well until this past June, Father's Day weekend.  We went to visit her and her husband, my husband's step-father in which he considers to be a wonderful man and calls him 'dad.'  I was having a rough time then and was not as sociable as I normally am.  For one, I have bad allergies and they all smoke cigarettes and I kind of distanced myself  while they were smoking.  Then, my mother was very ill, we almost lost her along that time and had to admit her into a nursing home.  I also had other problems to deal with too.  Anyway, she (mother in law) got upset with me and told me my behavior was deplorable that weekend, that I tried to put a cloud over my husband & step father in law's weekend and that I acted like a spoiled child and what a bitch I am, and that 'her 2 men' deserve better than me!  First of all I have issues with that b/c she didn't want anything to do with her son for 20 years and now he's 'her man'?  So, now we've not spoken since June and she's asking my husband what our plans for the upcoming holidays are.  Well, I told him that he's a big boy and can do what he wants to, but I know where I'll be and it sure won't be with her.  I refuse to go around her after her saying the horrible things she did about me.   Also, I have a son from a previous marriage.  He's going to turn 13 next month, the day after Thanksgiving.  Since all this happened, my husband still talks to her by phone.  She's not asked the first time how I'm doing or how my son is doing.  That also hurts me b/c she always used to make such a fuss over 'her grandson'! 

I can relate to the lady that had the fear of fuzzy/furry creatures.  I have a major fear of wigs.  I can fix or handle real hair all day long, but cannot touch wigs.  If I'm around someone with one on, I'm like a radar detector, I can sense it and start breathing  real fast.  I can't explain why, I've always wandered as a matter of fact.  I don't have a problem with dogs, I have 2 loveable bassett hounds and they don't bother me, but any fake fur or hair I have a big problem with.  I've always been this way.  I won't admit it to my husband, b/c I know he'll try to trick me and I don't think I can handle it.  I'd like to know what Dr. Lawlis done to help her overcome her fear.  I missed part of the show, but did see the end.

My husband is very masculine, nothing girly about him at all.  His idea of getting ready is a quick shower, runs his hands through his hair and dressed and out the door.  He does help some around the house with housework, but mostly tends to the outside.  He is very sweet and tentive to my feelings and needs.  He doesn't get real mushy tho, that's just not his thing.  He only cooks when I'm sick or can't for some reason, but most of the time if comes to that, he's ordering pizza or something.  I have a teenage son that I've taught to cook some things in case he HAS to for some reason.  I've also taught him how to do laundry, just basic neccessities in case of emergency or I'm not able for some reason.  I think we have a good system here.  I do the inside work though for the most part and my husband does the outside and since he's a mechanic, he also tends to maintenance, etc. on our vehicles.  I feel so blessed to have him and think we're good together.

You ask about how it will affect your child if you don't allow visitation rights with his dad?  I think also you stated that you would be afraid he (Jessy) will grow up to hate you if you keep him from seeing his father.  Well, let me tell you from my personal experience that it does more harm to the child to 'make' him go with his father than if you just say no!  My ex-husband, the father of my child, wanted visitation with him only when it was convenient for him (the ex).  My son was only 3 and 4 years old at the time and would tell me that he didn't want to go.  I didn't want my son to grow up & hate me for keeping him from his father, so I would encourage him to go and let the ex take him.  I wanted my son to grow up and form his own opinion of his father.  Well, today my son is 13, soon will be 14 and has clearly made his decision.  He hates his father.  He resents me almost forcing him to go with his father and has anger/ behavior issues due to this.  My son & I do have a very close relationship, but he says now he wishes I hadn't made him go with his dad for visitations.  I only thought I was doing what was best for my son, little did I know.  I have him in counseling now and have had for several years.  It's not worth the emotional scar that it leaves.  Hind sight's 20/20, if only I had to do over, he (the ex) would not have had the opportunity to do all he has done to my son.  My son also has ADHD, which his dr. feels was brought on by this poor excuse for a father, in which I just refer to as a sperm donor.  I now have a wonderful husband of nearly 10 years and he has accepted my son as his own and they have a great relationship.  Trust me, you need to get out & take the child with you and don't look back!