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Messages By: margaret95351

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October 19, 2006, 7:00 pm CDT

MY HUSBAND HAS CHEATED PLENTY OF TIMES, YET WE SEPARATE AND MONTHS LATER START OVER , SO DOES HE ASK ME TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOE TEST OR OUR MARRIAGE WONT WORK?

MY HUSBAND HAS CHEATED PLENTY OF TIMES, YET WE SEPARATE AND MONTHS LATER START OVER , SO DOES HE ASK ME TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOE TEST OR OUR MARRIAGE WONT WORK?

I have been married for five years and we have been together a total of 10 years. We have two kids; a boy and our youngest is a girl. We have had our share of bad times. His biggest problem is his possesvie ways, jealousy, and his cheating. He has slept with two of my so called friends, and others. We stopped sleeping in the same room for about five months, but we still had sex from time to time. I remember him getting off work and coming home to take a shower then leave to the gym for at least 2-3 hours. We never talked or got in the same vehicle together.  I finally got the curage to leave, but I was hoping that he would basically kiss my ass so that I would stay. His idea of the seperation was going to be a good way to find out what he wanted, and made him happy. He also needed to change his atitude toward me and change the unstable comfort zone behavior as a husband. So, he basically  left me, even though I moved out on my own. My life have became empty, and I was really alone with no job, no money, no house, and no friends or family since he either scared them off or skrewed them. I moved out a week before our Anniversery which is the day of his Birthday too. My sister in law said my husband dropped off our kids because he was going out of town with a girl. So, I went to get my kids back, but first I stopped at our old house to get my kids clothes. I found a bra in my dresser next to my side of the bed, and a couple of "thinking about you" cards from "HILDA". Let me say that I turned that place inside out and burned every piece of clothing he owned. A few months pasted by and I was doing very good. I had my old job back and I was sane again. Happy to meet new friends and go out. My husband and I would argue, but only because he did not give me money for the kids day care, or food, and not even for their school clothes. He would pick them up with hicky's on his neck, but I got use to it. The three months have passed and he calls to leave a message to say that his friend had died, so he wants to be there for them, therefore he was unable to get the kids that weekend. So, I did not hear from him for almost a week and I called his job and talked to his friend. His friend told me about "HILDA" and that was whose funeral he went to. It turned out that her kids father shot her serveral times in the face and then turned it on him self. Well it has been about 8 months since then and he has kissed his way back in my life again. One catch, he wants me to take a lie detector test to see if I slepted with anyone during our seperation. Since he found my calender with guy's phone numbers on the back, he has called all of them and does not believe me. He said he can not live knowing that I have slept with any one else. Since I met him  I have never slepted with anyone. I have came close, but I need help with my decision and I have little time left to do so. Oh, also I will tell you that I had to take a drug test before we got married too. It was naturaly negative. At that time he was going to a drug program. So, see I think it is all in his head and I am paying double for his mistakes if I give him what he wants. I also feel like I should just take it to prove to him once again, and then walk away from him. What should I do? I either lose my husband or my beliefs and dignity and pride and self respect.

 

               I am 27 years old. HELP WITH SOME SUGGESTIONS OR YOUR OWN OPINION. PLEASE!!

 

                    Margaret Perez

                

 
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October 21, 2006, 10:16 am CDT

Living on One Income

Quote From: mermaidmama

Karen, look for HUD (housing and urban development) repossesion homes or condos in your area. You can use a first time buyer program and in many cases will not have to pay money down.  We bought our condo 8 years ago using this program and paid $900 down payment, we had to do some remodeling within 60 days of purchasing the condo but HUD reimbursed us for the remodel, appliances and everything.  With the interest rate rising,  you should be able to find repo's more easily, but you may need a broker to help you with the paper work.  Do not pay for any of those so-called services that you find on the internet that will ask you for $50-100 for lists of repo's--you can find them for free.  There are even real estate brokers that specialize in repossesion.  I hope this helps you and good luck to you...

Go to the web site HUD; just like mentioned already, and then you will see all the programs available for first time buyers. Also, go to www.habitat.org/cd/local/  and learn about a program for low income families who can build their own home and buy it for half or less then half of the market value would be. Also, another option is the  HMBI who manage numerous single-family homes across the country for the HUD, and other government and independent agencies. That web site is, www.hmbireo.com  . Hopefully this will give you a good start on your dream.

 

Margaret Perez    

 
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October 21, 2006, 10:42 am CDT

Pros and Cons of Gastric Bypass Surgery

Quote From: louisianamom

My husband is scheduled for a laparoscopic gastric bypass on November 2, 2006.  He is excited but nervous.  He has been wanting this for about 5 years, but his insurance did not cover it until recently.  I am a little nervous also.  This will change our whole lifestyle.  Our form of entertainment is going out to eat.........by ourselves or with friends.  We have been married for 12 years (together for 15) and I have never known him thin.  I just wonder how this is going to change our relationship.  Any advice would be welcomed.

Expect, a whole to happen. Do not let his weight loss become a marriage loss too. I have not known one person to remain in their relationship the same way after the surgery. You need to get real about the mental damage it will do to some one. One can be how he will not be reconized by some people. He will not have the extra meat to play with or takle for fun. He will feel sensitive to physical pain; even the playfull ones. His mind will not make him feel completly satisfied with himself. He can feel that he is still big too. You may begin to become jealious too; not even know it at the time too. My had recently got divorced. I can not say that it was the surgery, but I am pretty sure that was a large part of that reason. She does not look or remind me of who I once known. She may appear to be happy, but mom said she is hiding it all. It not what is on the ouside that counts, it is what is on the inside that keeps you going. My friend had the surgery too, well she said some things to me about her mental state being reflecked due to her weightloss. It is mentally challenged to go through a change like this one.

 

Margaret Perez  

 
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October 24, 2006, 2:49 pm CDT

ORDEAL LADY RESPONDING TO RESPONSE

Quote From: richard_woods

Margaret...

 

Go to the POLICE......NOW.

 

Is this how you want to teach your children that a marriage should be like? Is this the type of relationship you want your Daughter to be in?

 

Your husband is much less than a man, and he has a distorted view on how "Men" should behave...In a word, he is abusive, and make no mistake...the longer you let this go on, the more of a chance it is that he *will* hurt you....BADLY...

 

If there is *any* part of you that wants this to continue because you feel "wanted", or even "loved"...you would also need help.  You are throwing your life away... You are as much of a volunteer as a victim here...and your children are being put in  harms way.

 

I could go on and on...If you don't want to end up like Hilda, you probably already know what to do. If you are waiting for people here to tell you to call the police and leave him, we are all doing so ...

 

Your childrens future is *your* responsibility...come to think of it, so is your own...so *be* responsible damnit.

Ya, you are right about ending up like "HILDA", I do get sick to my stomach and bad images appear through my mind when he is desperate for me and he comes out and say's"I will kill you if I ever see you with anyone else and then I will move to Mexico". I tell myself, he is poison since day one.  I remind myself of him being in no status in this country. I also remind my self that he knocked my tooth out while holding my son. I just hate when he turns it out to be my fault if he does not see his kids. Every time I get ready to file for a divorce he  says "I purfer not to see my kids if it wikll be on the courts terms of when I could". Also, he says " It may hurt at first, but I in time I will get over it". He lived with out his parents since his father was murdered and two years after his mother came here for treatment for her cancer and then died a few months later. I seem to forget how I can live without him, but I am manageing my feeling clearer then ever before. That is the truth about his ways. Thank you for your input.

 

MYSTICAL

 
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November 7, 2006, 11:29 am CST

Cheated On

Quote From: mrmorpheus

I hope someone can help me with this.

Here is my story.....

 

Me and my wife have been living together for 12 years, and have we have 2 kids. Our realationship has had its ups and downs over the years, but somehow we have made it work. About 6 months ago we had a huge fight,and it was just the last straw for me, so i moved out. We tried to talk in the next 2 weeks but somehow always ended up arguing in front of the kids, because she was so angry that i moved out. She shifted from trying to get me to move back in, and two days later, she said she would take the house and all conversations would go through a lawyer. And then again a few days later she wanted me to move back in, and another 2 or 3 days later everything changed again, she would keep the house, and i could keep the depts and so on.....  I told her that I didn´t want to move back in,  unless somethings would change, and then we would start arguing again. I told her that we obviously couldn´t discuss anything, so i told her what i wanted..... that we would  try NOT to talk about exactly this matter for maybe 2 or 3 weeks, and just think about what we would like to do in our relationship. I wanted to set a date and then we would meet and discuss our things, whether to sell our flat, or try to fix our marriage, because we just couldn´t talk together with all this anger involved. On one occasion, two weeks after I moved out, I came to my home at night when the kids were sleeping, ( i rented a small flat when I moved out) and we tried to talk. That night we both became a bit emotional, shared our feelings and ended up having sex, but later that night I went to my rented flat.

I took our sons almost every day and shared the weekends with them after i moved out, but they couldn´t sleep over, because I had no furniture no beds for them.  But on the weekend of the fourth week, I took my sons and we all stayed at my fathers house and we spent the weekend there.

 

Here comes the main part of my story.....

 

I have a friend from the past who used to be a good friend of me and my wife, but me and him had a big disagreement many years ago and so we ended our friendship there. But my wife has sort of always contacted him when she and I have had a big fight, and then they would meet and talk about things. She always told me and she also knew of my disapproval of this.

4 weeks after we broke up ( on a monday) i spoke with my wife, and asked her why she always contacted my ex-friend ( Lets call him X ) when we had our fights. ( I did not know she had contacted him after I moved out, but I somehow suspected it ) She got defensive, and told me it was none of my business, since we had broken up and i moved out. She could contact whoever she liked. We spoke together for the next 3 days about our marriage, and i told her that i loved very much and told her all the feelings i had for her and needed her in my life, etc etc and she felt the same way,but she told me that she propably blew any chance of us being together. When i asked her why, she told me she slept with X, on last friday night.( The same weekend my boys stayed with me at my fathers house)  She went out to dinner with people from work , had been drinking the whole night, and X was calling her, and later that night she went to his place. They sat at his place and drank two bottles of wine, and ended up having sex. She told me that she felt bad about it right away, and she stopped in the middle of the progress. She told me that she was thinking about us and our sex life at the time because she felt that it was "bad" sex she was having, and she felt like she was cheating on me.

I asked about details, but she tells me she has told me everything about how it happened.

She said that, he was lousy in bed, had a small "fellow", and they quit in the middle of it.

( I just feel that she told me this, because it is propably best for me to know it like this, because its the "best" of the "worst" ) I mean, who quits in the middle of sex ??   I will propably never know the truth for that matter.

I told her that i would like to get over this, and try to work out our proplems, even though she had done this, but things would have to change. I also told her that i dont want the anger to take control of me because of what happened. I know that it would be really easy just to walk away and call her names, and get on with my life, but i dont want to take the "easy" way out, i want to make this work.

I told her, that in order to do so, things would have to change, especially in showing our emotions, and also regarding our intimacy.

She has broken all contacts with X, and he is no longer in our lives.

The proplem is this.

Even though she told me that she "felt" like she was cheating, she says that she wasn´t, because i moved out and our relationship was over. Even though we had a lot of issues that were not resolved, she feels this way.

I feel extremely bad about that she has had sex with another man, but somehow i feel that she doesn´t realise what she did.

I feel like my heart is going to explode, i think about this a lot, and i cant seem to get the image out of my head of them together. I love my wife very much, but sometimes i have doubts that i will never get over this.

We have been going to a marriage counceller, for 5 months now, and i still feel this way.

Our sex live has not been so good for the past 3 years, because she has been on anti-depressants, and she said it was a side effect of the drugs, a lack of sex drive. Now she is off the drugs, and still nothing has changed. We sleep together maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks

I feel like i am the one who has to accept all kinds of things and she just gets away with saying, "this is just the way it is !! "

My wife has always been very sentimantal about all kinds of things, and has cried in weddings, reading obituaries, reading sad books and so on.

But i somehow feel that she doesn´t feel bad about what happened at all.

I have cried about this and told her my feelings, but she tells me she tries not to think about what happened.

I feel that she doesn´t show "enough" remorse....

Am i crazy ?

Is it possible to get over these kind of things ??

Somebody please help me, because i feel like i am getting depressed over this whole thing....

How can i cope with this ?

Is this going to be like this forever?

How do I trust my wife again ?

 

My mind is filled with questions, and I cant answer any one of them.....

    " I can help you, but you to learn from yesterday and hope for tomorrow because tomorrow is not promised............................................."

 

        The more you expect your wife to feel regretful and disappointment of her own self actions, you need to stop asking for it. Meaning, quit crying and giving her your pain because of what she did. You should not be the one who is feeling a disappointment or a not good enough type of man. Instead of you, she will feel disappointment of her actions soon, but you need to let hr do it on her own. The fear you have of your relationship being over is temporary, but her regrets that she will have from her past affair actions will last a life time. Think about honesty too, be honest with your spouse and your self. Do not give your pride and self respect to another person, but always share your love to those you think will enjoy it. When you are at a moment with your wife and things are getting to an argument, you need to stand up and say "I do not deserve this and I do not  need to waste my energy on winning", and leave the situation or area. Also, remind your self that you did nothing wrong and you are not the one on trial nor is she. If you ignore all the negative and quit bringing up the "X" then she will then open her eye's and see what she did on her own. Carry on with your self and your kids and learn to grow with out her and you will see how good you feel and how regretful your wifey will feel. The whole point is to minimize your past and open your future by not looking back. You two can still survive together, but it will happen on it's own and not by force from another who points fingers and blame caused by past actions. Today is what matters more than yesterday, so live it like no other.

 

 

 I too have been through rough affairs, bad habits, and past acquisitions. My husband and I separated and I knew and had a gut feeling he was cheating too. Well sure he was and sure enough I found a bra and a love/ miss you card in our bedroom a week after we separated. I thought life was at my end at that time, but then I realized he is not who I live for because after all I lived 17 years without him. A few months after the drama, I found out that the chic he was sleeping with was going through a separation too, but still had contact and most likely sex with her kids father too. I say that because they were separated for a year when my husband and her had an affair. It all ended in a tragedy. Her husband found out and shot her several times in her face then turned the gun on him self. The three kids they had together are left with not parents and all because they could not control their impulses. No one should be led on or left confused in a relationship because people get hurt. I know I did right and I did not need to convince my husband of that because it happened on it's own.  Every thing happens for a reason, so have patience my friend. I connected the pieces from her obituary. She worked at the gym my husband went to every day for hours and her birthday was the same as my husbands and for which is our anniversary too. Plus they both were going through a separation too. I sure they were seeing each other before that though. I felt it and thats why I left.

 

 

 Margaret Perez 

 

       

 

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