Quote From: warm2u Dear Dr Phil,
The woman who was ruining Christmas segment really distressed me.
Yes, I agree that she was ruining things for her whole family, but
wasn't it you who said that unless and until a person FEELS that the
other person is REALLY sorry for what they have done, she will never
really get over feeling hurt? Sure, the guy was a blockhead and
got her something she didn't really want, but I think it was more than
just the gift issue. I think WHAT he gave her to her represented
HIS lack of forethought, insight into her personality, and just plain
poor taste. (I know, I know, "it's not about the gift"), but in
this case unfortunately, I think it was. It was their first
Christmas together (correct me if I'm wrong on that), she wanted her
caring, sensitive husband to get her a caring and thoughtful
gift. Instead he shows up with something that is clearly "less
than" and she got her feelings hurt. To add insult to injury, the
next year HE refuses to buy her anything, so in my book it is HE who
started this awful ball rolling, and has perpetuated it ever
since.
Like the puppeteer pulling her strings and sitting back and acting like
he has NO idea WHY she could possibly be acting this way!!
Ugh!
And your take on it was to tell HER to get over herself! I agree
something needs to be done, but I think a heartfelt apology from
blockhead husband is the 1st step on this road to recovery. A bit
of sensitivity training on his part seems to be the order of the day in
MY book!
Yes, she clearly has carried this all to the extreme and SHE needs to
apologize to her family and work to make things right by them, but they
also must have empathy for her at how deeply her wounds have gone in
order for her to be willing to actively carry on this way for all these
years. I feel for her because it seems to me that no one is
really getting how much this has hurt her too all these years.
Telling her to "get over herself" doesn't seem to be the right salve in
my book.
I think starting the show off by having blockhead husband apologize for
his insensitivities, then giving her the floor to explain her sadness
as how it made her feel, would have been a good start. He just
seems to be a good ol' boy who has no clue what a woman needs, and too
many of these guys get away with this crap and then wonder why their
wives are unhappy for so many years. Obviously, the fact that
they have been together for all these years says either A) she is a
martyr and likes the misery, or B) he has enough other GOOD qualities
to make up for his occasional lapses in judgment. Either way, I
still think he is the one who started this whole mess by being a jerk
when she returned something he bought her, and then not being willing
to get her anything else the following year. Some people are just
hard to buy for . . . not because of the gift, but what the gift
REPRESENTS to them, namely that someone "cared enough to give the very
best" whatever that very best would be in their book. And I'm not
talking about spending a lot of money, I'm talking about buy or making
a gift that says "I know you". I know your tastes, I know what
you like, I know who you are, I care enough to give YOU something YOU
would like. This guy clearly missed the boat on his gift giving
skills. Might as well have been buying the gift for HIS mother
rather than his wife.
This story hits pretty close to home for me because my own husband
bought ME a cast iron frying pan that was so heavy I couldn't lift it
with both hands EMPTY!! If I could have, I think I would have
bopped him over the head with it. I'm not his mother, I didn't
WANT a frying pan, or at least NOT for a Christmas present. See,
if he'd have had proper training in the art of pleasing a woman, he'd
have learned that most women don't want anything that A) plugs in, or
B) has anything to do with the kitchen! Not all women, I'm sure
there are some who would love a blender or new mixer, etc. But
most would prefer something personal like perfume, clothes, jewelry,
etc.
Sure this guy got her clothes, but if you listened to her, she clearly
states that NOW she would wear them, but back then they were something
her MOTHER would wear. This guy either didn't know her taste
which says he isn't paying attention, or just plain HAS no taste in
which case she's lucky she didn't get a redneck singing fish!!
All I know is, I think the way this segment was presented really made
her out to be very insensitive to her family, when in truth the husband
has been insensitive to his wife's hurts from the first year and then
perpetuated it so that he has rubbed her nose in it and stood back
looking like the innocent bystander. I think his lack of caring
causes this rift in the first place, and I think he should apologize to
her sincerely and then HELP her get over it by buying her something
special to her and presenting it to her IN FRONT of her family with
another apology.
I think in the end the outcome was good, but the way it was presented
made me hurt for her because she was made to look like the insensitive
one, when in fact it has been he who has been insensitive to her all
these years. Nuff said!!
I don't agree with you.
First, 20-something minutes of airtime is not enough data to truly
represent whether or not the husband is an insensitive jerk, as you
say. But based on the data we--the viewers-were presented with, it's
the woman who came off as being an insensitive jerk.
Just because he has a southern accent, then he's a good ole boy? Didn't
you see the way the camera captured him asking his wife if the could
hang this-and-that up, decorate the tree, etc? Don't you think that by
the sheer fact that he's stood by this woman who's pouted over
something that did not go her way over a quarter of a century shows
what kind of man he is? Wasn't she the one who said that every
Christmas, she thinks about leaving her husband because he's trying to
"force" Christmas on her? I can think of a lot more traumatic reasons
why women want to leave their husbands.
Men are often clueless about what their women want. Communication is
tantamount to a relationship, so if one person's clueless, then the
other person should articulate wants and needs in no uncertain terms.
Unfortunately, with men, this is often necessary, until we women
inculcate them with our rigorous training (hazing) programs about what
we want and need! :)
I am sorry your husband gave you an iron skillet. That is not a very
romantic gift, and he really should have asked you what you wanted
beforehand. BUT, I do believe that our society, since it's very
capitalistic, teaches women that men should demonstrate how much they
love their wives/girlfriends with material things. To some extent,
okay, that's true. But I know I'd be thrilled if my fiance said he'd
weed and prune my flower beds for three months, rather than get
jewelry. My fiance gave me a very small engagement ring--but the fact
that he planned the trip to take me up to a beautiful spot with a
breathtaking view to propose, along with the lunch and wine, made me
feel so special.
Men show they care in ways that can be strange to women. It's up to us
to perceive those attentions--and graciously appreciate them.
