Messages By: wendydarlingtx

If you're going to go on & on & on about your "poor boy," stop for a moment & take a look in the mirror at the adult who started him off on this road!  He's got you right where he wants you -- crying, worrying about him, etc., & he KNOWS you'll cave. You always do, & you're just making a bad problem worse.  Don't worry about when his food runs out - he'll mooch off friends or something. You should stay away. But, you won't.  You cry & deny. 

Look, your kid does not have any backbone, he has a HUGE sense of entitlement, he's lazy & he learned a long time ago -- from his parents, who taught him so well as to how to cultivate these delightful qualities which are making you cry now -- that he can do ANYTHING HE WANTS without impunity! As long as you treat him the way you always have, you're going to have a problem kid on your hands.  He'll never get a job, or food or anything else.  Why?  Because you're dumb enough to bail him out each & every time!  Wake up & smell the coffee you've been brewing for the entire life of the kid.  He'll never amount to much.  He'll promise you anything you want to hear, but he won't keep a single one.  Right?  Dr. Phil says that a good indicator of what will happen in the future will be how a person has acted in the past.  Your kid's a loser.  You made him that way. No way he's ever going to get "motivated!"  You'll be there with the money, the tears, the forgiveness, & you will continue to rob him of the ability to grow a backbone, & he'll continue to be a useless blob in society.  He'll go back to old habits because you let him develop the "old habits."  The rehab people are absolutely right.  But you want to ignore everything in favor of "being a good mom" or something like that.  Get real!  You kid is a bum.  You made him a bum.

I'm not talking out of turn, here.  I had a brother who was allowed to do anything he wanted to, with his doting parents (particularly his mother) giving him whatever he wanted.  He started to run with a bad crowd. I told my parents about this, & they told me to "shut up!"  He started taking drugs at age 14 (LSD, pot, hash) & was finally arrested when he was 16 & spent 10 days in jail.  Did this cause him to wake up?  Hell no.  He knew as sure as the Sun would rise in the east that he would ALWAYS get away with anything.  My parents got him out of jail -- &, oh yes, "rewarded" him with a guitar after all this!  He never worked at any job for more than 2-3 months (or less), lived at home with Mommy & Daddy, & told me he had every intention of never moving out or getting any kind of serious job.  Why?  Because the parents gave him everything he wanted when he wanted.  He would get parking tickets & just thow them into the back seat of his car.  He didn't care.  Those tickets were only discovered after his death.   

He contracted cancer when he was 33.  He lived for 5 more years, but it was a painful 5 years for him.  He doubled up on his pain pills (it made him high), & he then had to take more & more after that to get any kind of relief.  He continued with the LSD whenever he wanted, he did drugs because the parents gave him money to do this -- all the while they closed their eyes to what was REALLY GOING ON! & refused to take any responsibility for THEIR actions! 

My brother died in July, 1988, & his body is now rotting in a cold grave.  If my parents had been strict with him, he would have applied Operation Bootstrap to himself decades ago.  He had so much potential, & he wasted it.  Because my parents were fools.  Because they acted just like you do.  Stop crying & get real -- your kid ain't gonna change.  You can't talk to him -- he won't listen to you or anyone else.  He knows you'll always bail his sorry ass out of whatever trouble he's in.  Why not?  You've done it before & you're not likely to stop, from the sound of it. 

You want to get your son on the "right track?"  Sell all your belongings & you & your husband relocate to Australia or some other continent, & tell your kid that when he can come up with enough money to visit you, you'll be glad to see him!  Unless you let him fend for himself, he will continue to be a deadbeat & a plague on society.

For what it's worth, I suspect you're going to keep on doing what youv'e been doing all along, & your kid is gonna sink even further into the muck of his making, & you can watch him go down.  You're helping him, right?  Have you considered getting therapy for yourselves first?  It's up to you.  You continue to waste bad money on him, & he's going to take it & not give it any thought.  Why should he?  And, it's all because of you.  I hope you're happy.

I did feel  "slammed" by that first reply and I do really appreciate your support. I have felt extremely guilty and responsible for how my son turned out and I guess the previous message brought that guilt up again. While he was in rehab and things were going well, I apologized to my son and told him how I felt guilty. He doesn't blame us. He realized at that time that he had been manipulating and that we loved him.  

Things were fine till he was 16. I guess we weren't prepared to handle the adolescent rebellion that occured at that point and he started to get away with too much. His older brother never went through this rebellion and is a responsible citizen. It's funny how everyone used to say what a wonderful mother I was. It's funny also how you can treat two children the same and they grow up completely different.

The previous message gave me some good advice from personal experience. I don't think they were tyring to assuage my pain at all and maybe I needed such a strong message to wake up and see how important our part will be in what happens in the next while. But I did feel that the person who wrote that message is still in a lot of pain over the loss of the brother. I'm sure the parents are still suffering also and it might be good for all of them to forgive themselves.

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I know you're right. Today I was thinking back to when he was younger and gambling. We were very stupid parents and very weak. We kept on letting him use a car, paying for his gas, using our computer. He's a big guy and I guess we were also afraid of him. We should have given him nothing and no option but to go to rehab or else made him leave then. Thinking about how we were weak then made me know that I have to be stronger now. We could have maybe saved him and us from 6 non-productive years.

We can't let this go on - we don't want  to and we don't want him to be in the same position in another 6 years from now. His sibling has told us all along things similar to what you're saying. As parents and as a mother maybe our hope in trusting him blurred our objectivity and the reality and severity of the situation.

I do not want to see him sink further. I guess I was looking for some encouragement and hope that it's the right thing to do. You certainly have strongly confirmed that we have to leave him alone to manage on his own in order for him to face life and its responsibilities. The title of your message was "it can be done.." I pray that your right and I thank you for your very strong message. We are in the support group for parents so we're learning not to enable him. You sound really disgusted with us but I just want you to try to understand that it hasn't been easy and it continues to be heart-wrenching. Tough love isn't only tough on the offspring - it's torture also for the parents. But you've helped us to be committed to it. Thanks. 

Hi!

Yes, I was hard in my counsel, but I've been on the receiving end of the after-effects of this kind of behavior & how it affects the rest of the family.  Siblings can have a much clearer view of what's what.  How do you think they feel? They're paying for the Bum in the Family & all his irresponsible actions. 

Did I mention that my brother dropped out of high school after only a couple of years (when he wasn't cutting classes as well!)?  Billy had Promise.  He was a very good-natured person & I really liked spending time with him.  He called me "Sis," which tickled him to no end, & I called him "Bro" & he'd puff with pride.  Whenever I met his friends at the parents' house, they all said the same thing:  "Billy talks about you all the time! It's great to meet you! "  But it was too late for me to help him -- so, I offered him my support in his ordeal.  I know he appreciated it.  It was so sad.  He could have been a dynamite salesman.  Even a used-car salesman!  He was a great kid.  But, he threw himself away.  I raged at him, but it was too late.

I will certainly pray for you.  And I do hope that things turn out really great -- though it will take some time.  He has to get rid of almost a lifetime of bad habits.

But, wouldn't you be thrilled to see him struggle out of his shell & make something of himself?!  Wouldn't you be proud to see that he is a wonderful intelligent guy with a good head on his shoulders, & who can support himself (& possibly a later family) & who can hold his head up with anybody going & know what he can do & prove it.  There's a lot of satisfaction for your son in the future (& also for you!!!  My goodness!!  You could burst with pride!). 

He just has to get a Clear Message from his parents -- that they won't take his crap & snivelly "girlie-man" posturings.  You have to cut him loose to allow him to find himself.  Amazing what a person can accomplish when there's no where else to go & he has to depend on himself for his life (Horrors!!!).

You just have to remain strong.  You love your son, & this is the best way to prove it.  And, if for some strange reason he does sink, he will know it's of his own doing & you have nothing to beat yourself up about.  There's free will.  He has to learn.  The hard way.  If he can put all his Energy into being a lump, he can put all his Energy into making some honest money & facing the world on his own -- he will be more confident, feel more able to tackle Life's problems, & he'll turn into a good man, a strong man.  A proud man.  And you can commence breathing.  And, take a vacation with your immediate Honey.  Just the 2 of you.  Get out of town on a cruise or something.  Don't let the kid drag you down.  You 2 could use a get-away vacation -- like, now! -- & Junior can deal with life on his own.  If you're not around & available, he might think twice about things.  What do you think?  A trip to DisneyWorld?  Bermuda? The Islands?  Get outta town!  Get thee to a vacation where you don't have to take phone calls.  I promise you that you will shed at least 10 years if you do this now.  And, don't provide for Sonny.  He's on his own now.  You're doing him the biggest favor he could ever get in his life.

Stay strong!

Corajane   

P.S. why not, after your Vacation, get together with your son & take day trips to local colleges, & even venture into other states.  Just go there, walk around the campus on a Saturday afternoon, see how the students interact (hint, hint!) & let your son see for real what a nice college life could be.  Not isolated, but accepted.  There are older college students, by the way.  I worked & went to school at Columbia University for about 4 years (I had to go at night) & quite a number of students do come in a year or two later.  No big.  But, just walking around college campuses can be such a nice experience, no matter what.  Think about it.  Your son might like the attention his parents give him in a non-negative way.  Also, find a zoo or botanical garden within a good distance & make it a family outing, complete with cameras.  No stress from anyone. 

Just a thought. 

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My answer to you:

No no, once a person "reaches a certan age, he has to take responsibility for who he is and what he does." 

No, he/she doesn't!!!  The kicker?  They don't know how!  They've never been given any boundaries, any rules that don't get broken, nothing!  Their parents teach them how they "want" to be treated.  They don't know any better!!!  How many words in the dictionary don't you know the meaning of?  It's the same thing.  They're the kid.  The parents are the adults (one hopes!). The kid learns from his parents how to go on.  He doesn't automatically come into knowing what the Right Thing is!  He never learned it!  My godson's mother used to call her 1st born son her "little barbarian" & I laughed.  But, it's true!  Kids don't come into the world with pre-knowledge.  They are TAUGHT by their parents (who are supposed to be the adults in the child's life). 

My mother was very abusive towards me.  She tried to kill me on a couple of memorable occasions. I was her first-born & her only natural, pain-free delivery. But she was horrible to me until I moved out when I was 20 years old. And continued to support myself ever since.  But, I have reconnected with my mother in the last 2 years & we get along fine.  I suffered much, but was able to dismiss much.  It's all part of Life.

Regards, Corajane

Pls read what this woman sent to me in reply.  She sounds like she may have a happy ending to her pain if she follows certain rules. 

I really want all the best for everyone!

CJ

Most of the comments are from people with a "Hallmark Card" perceptive on life.

Julie you need to reread my earlier comments. I was asking if Gary and Bobby married their wife based on looks as their only asset. This wasnt there first marriage. They were just brain dead entered into another marriage without a prenuptial. Post nuptials are an excellent ways to address with changes in the relationship and the couples financial status. Its time to get a post nuptial signed or file for a divorce. The marriages are short term and maybe they can recover from the financial impact of paying her off. Marriage shouldnt be a death penalty. What is needed is legal reform to our divorce laws.   

As far as my dissolution, my ex wanted a new life and I paid for it.   I haven't seen her or her attorneys in two year so I assume she hasn't spent all of the money yet.   I'm doing great, thanks for asking.

As Mr. Phil has said numerous time "You dont divorce the same person that you married".

You know, I am very self-sufficient. I have a higher education and was on a great career path when I married my husband. We decided that we both wanted to structure our life so that I could stay home with our children. I haven't had an income in over four years. Do I feel entitled to half the marital assets? You are darn tootin' I do!

Fortunately, I married a man who feels the same way...who values my contributions to our life, family, and home as much (actually, more) than he values the almighty dollar.  A marriage is a partnership..a joint venture. People who can't wrap their heads around that SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED. And for God's sake, women should not live with a man in a house that is in just his name, contributing to the life and lifestyle, and getting no financial security or benefit in return.