Messages By: kschmittz

Well, I apologize for not responding sooner.  Life is crazy.  We are preparing for a week in Hawaii with the boys and that is very time consuming.  Which brings me to my story to share...bear with me!  MY idea of packing for this trip started months ago.  Making lists, buying toiletries here instead of in Hawaii (huge sales taxes!) and organizing the clothes we would take right along with matching t-shirts for the swim suits for the kids!  Also, MY personal preference/priority would be to make sure all papers are in the same place for easy access- itinerary, vouchers for certain events, etc.  In my mind, this is not unreasonable or out of reach.  It also goes to how I was raised and how things (for me) have always been.  Now, my husbands side is very different. HIS idea of packing started  this last Sunday- he pulled some swim suits and a couple of shirts from the closet, grabbed a toothbrush and put them in a bag!  In HIS mind, we're ready to go.   As you can see, my frustration level is getting higher and higher!The decision was made to pack my oldesn't son's bag.  As I was pulling out outfits making a mental note of where they would be worn, I looked over to see they had been put in the bag!  I lost it, yelled and then realized- he was trying to do good!  Kelly is trying, too.  Kids and life are NOT always perfect no matter what we do.  All we can do is hope for the best and plan for the worst.   Yes, I like order and I am more relaxed when things go smoothly and planning is a BIG part in that for me.  However, MY HUSBAND cannot be expected to surrender to my line of thinking but rather make adjustments that do not demean, diminish or otherwise make him any less than he is.  I hope this example serves you well.  

Amy, 

I found it interesting that you responded.  Since you did, I'm glad to make you laugh. I think for the most part we see things on the same level.  However,part of  your mentality comes across as one that the woman should succumb to all expectations of the husband and I simply have issues with that.  I think BOTH partners have that responsibility, not just the woman.  Also, I don't think changing something about the way  you do this or that (man or woman) makes you "better" in any way- just different.  That was my point.   I don't feel doing A, B or C like my hubby (and vice versa) makes me "better" just different.   I do it because it benefits the household AND my true being isn't compromised!  I know you've said that your "changes" weren't to save your marriage but rather to make you a better person.  I disagree 100%!  Some of your statements don't really support that.  I still find it very disturbing that you haven't once acknowledged any type of support for Kelly- either for her effort, willingness to try, or anything else.     

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

I am glad that what I've said you can relate to.  I was hoping that would happen.  It's hard when you get advice and sometimes it seems a lot like fluff and not stuff you can use.  Anyhow, to correct you right away...my hubby was readingyour last post to me and he was lauging so hard about me being "cool and collected"..not so much!  I lose it, I yell, I scream and then some when things are crazy.  I"M LEARNING and truthfully  my hubby is very patient and above all he loves me- good, bad and ugly.  You are an engineer and like things orderly, that makes sense to you. However, what is really important?  That was my initial comparison to you...about the carpet spots and your son's surgery.  In the end, dishes will be done or they won't, laundry will still be there, but will Kelly and the kids?  Maybe, maybe not.  I've heard the analogy (among others) of a broken pencil- once it's broken over and over again, you can glue/repair it some way and maybe use it but it's never quite the same again.  There's also the one about a paper being ripped and ripped- little pieces at at time.  Even if you use tape/glue it never is really the same again.  Just like your picking (ripping) at Kelly.  Yes, you deserve to live in a respectable house and I think you do.  Kelly could do things differently and maybe things would be better- maybe not.  Is it worth her self esteem?I say a lot "everything has a price" and my husband agrees.  I see a lot of women in my neighborhood that seem to have it all- huge house, brand new SUV, kids have everything, looks, etc.- but maybe it's not so great at home.  Maybe their hubby hits them, cheats on them or is never there.  Is it worth it?  Maybe for them, but not for me.   

The point is you have a lot and seem to keep wanting more.  It's hard to be home and hard to make $$ to support the family.  Things are tough with three kids- we only have two and barely can breathe most days!  Yet, you can't look at what others "seem" to have- the grass is not always greener.  We have been through a lot of stuff most marriages don't survive and yet we're here and doing OK.   Through it all, we love each other.  Remember why you married her and start from there!  Good luck!  

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

For some reason my puter is acting up again..maybe it needs coffee like me!  Anyhow, yes, it is nice to have a civil discussion on this matter.  I'm glad you realized your lack of support for Kelly.  That takes a lot.  IMO, Grant is taking the heat because he is controlling, knows it and doesn't seem to really "get it" even with all the suggestions.  He doesn't really seem to be working on anyone but HIMSELF!   Again, I did not see the "live"version of the show therefore missed the house video.  Yes, we all acknowledge that Grant should live in a respectable house and I've stated I think he does.  Kelly, on the other hand, deserves to be treated with respect- for being his wife, mother of his children and trying.  I know your philosophy is very different from mine- Kelly should do and do so Grant can be happy,  You know what?  Women do that and the hubby still cheats, treats them poorly and in the end the woman has wasted her whole life on someone who is a schmuck!  Personally, I think any man who "wants" those things just wants a robot- not a wife!  My hubby (12+years) wants what I WANT, whatever makes me happy makes him happy.    All in all, I hope Grant and Kelly find common ground and can be happy without either feeling like they've given up who they really are.  

Kira 

PS- I have two boys so I understand the "firecracker" lifestyle.  Just wait...it only gets worse as they get older!  Mine are 4(almost) and 7 1/2- they're that far apart for a reason!  ha ha ha!   

Well, I wish I could say the sprinkler bursting and the chandlier incident are surprising but they are not.  Let's see...my 3 year old had 6 stititches from running, tripping and hitting the edge of the Time Out chair that he was on his way to for hitting another child.  My husband took him for that one.  My 7 year old was spending the night with his cousin(they're just under a year apart) and fell from a fence knocking out his two front teeth and literally mangling everything on his face from his nose down!  Things are fun. No broken bones just yet and toilet clogs have been due to an old house not the kids.   Anyhow, our trip starts tomorrow and I am starting to stress.  However, I have to say my hubby took the day off to help me and I didn't even ask!  For me, that was a big deal. Yet, both cars went wonky so we spent the morning at the auto parts store and he's almost done!  Thank God for the grease monkey he is.  Anyhow, good luck to all!  I will be logging on in a week or so....aloha! 

Kira 

Yes, it's me and we are back from the land of beautiful mountains and crashing seas!  WOW !  What an adventure!  All I can say is, traveling with little ones can be really rough!  The ride out was awesome...yet once we left the plane it all went downhill!  With interfering grandparents and Aunties it was a rough trip.  Howver, I'm glad we did it but am glad to be home, too.  I have browsed some of the messages and am happy to see some of you back on the boards..Judyblue22 and others.  My take on core beliefs and dealbreakers is this: 

There is a price to pay for everything.  My hubby (for example) is not rich therefore I have always had to work.  In exchange, he truly helps (or tries to) with the house.  He does dishes (no dishwasher) and has been known to clean the cat box once in a while, too, and takes out the trash.  For me, that's OK- I help with bills and he helps with the house.  IF I were home things would be different.  However, the BASIC core level of cleanliness in the house would not change.   Some women HAVE to be home no matter what and they're willing to push the hubby no matter what the price.  To me, it's too high if hubby is never home.  Dealbreakers are different for everyone.  For me , it's abuse in any way shape or form.  Verbal is not OK.  I value myself and my self esteem enough not to allow that.  I also think that if you love someone a common base of courtesy should be expected/received.  Some women (again) feel it's OK and they should adjust "how they hear things" or "receive it differently".  I feel this is the area about how much to give before you lose yourself.  I can see Grant's view but the same goes for Kelly.  That doesn't excuse his way of putting his wife down.  He can disguise it however he wants but it's the same result- he is not happy with how she does things.  Yes, women are emotional and all that but as a husband/provider/friend he has an expectation to be tactful and flexible and do what's best for the FAMILY- not just him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again....take a look at the character of a man that would take his wife on TV to show/tell America how she's lacking.  He's been given advice and tips and still can't seem to pull it together.  I truly hope they are doing better yet I don't think Kelly's self esteem can be repaired.   

Not really sure so maybe you could clarify the above for me...when you say "the family suffers the consequences" ...I assume you are referring to a dual income family who uses daycare?  Also, I have seen a few of your postings and they seem to have this same thread.  So, are you married?  Have kids?  What do you do for a living?  Just curious because I truly believe that unless you have been in a particular situation it's really easy to pass judgement.  You seem to speak a lot about a variety of things with authority so I'm just trying to get a handle where you're coming from.    

That said, I believe Ken has a moral reponsibility to treat Diana with respect and dignity.  However, she claims he has always been fairly difficult -it's almost like the money made it OK for a while and now maybe that's changed.  Who knows but them.  All I know, is that for me and mine, money is NOT the all important (we both work FT) but it is necessary to some degree to survive.  Not all dual-income families have an extravagant lifestyle (as some seem to believe) but rather a drive and passion  to provide a stable, decent life for kids who deserve AT LEAST that!  I know our situation is not popular with a lot of people but I would challenge anyone to say living in So Cal doesn't take two incomes!  I want more than poverty for my kids as I believe that can be very damaging on a long term level.