Messages By: kschmittz

Good morning.  I'm glad you decided to respond.  Yours is EXACTLY the kind of mentality I have been trying to break.  As far as illness, mine are healthier than most kids I see.  I have a friend (Great Mom who homeschools) and her middle daughter had tubes at about a year or so.  Yes, if I had  kids under the age of three I couldn't work either and use daycare.   You say you don't knock child care yet you say these things:   

I didn't have my children so that another person could raise them for 8-10 hours a day.  and this:   

"All I am saying is that just to put your kids in the care of strangers..."   

This is just the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  I cannot believe that even at home Moms never get a break from their kids.  It has also been proven that kids from a daycare environment have social skills EARLIER than those who don't attend and I think that's a positive thing.  As far as sacrifice, I would suggest you see my other posts about my lifestyle before you say anything like that.  For the record, I think most parents sacrifice one way or another.  However, I think a lot of women stay home because they want it not necessarily because of the kids.  I have seen it over and over and I think a parent who can't get over themselves is really sad.     

My kids have not and will not step foot in a daycare.     

Be careful, you never know what life brings.  Even if you have life insurance and can pay off the house, I cannot believe that you would have enough money for all the everyday bills of  little kids.  I know many women who have made this statement and had to eat crow.     

in order to "have a little more adult interaction" or " So you don't have to sacrifice anything" just doesn't make sense.
   

I agree, that wouldn't make sense.  However, why do at home Moms use preschool then?  For this very reason.  Most families who use daycare don't do it solely for these purposes.  Most do it for the same reasons we do- just to get by.  Yes, there are cheaper areas in the country (we are in So. Cal) but I don't feel that moving to an area just so I can avoid working makes sense for MY family.     

"My husband does help around the house and my kids also get excited to make cookies.  I don't know what point you were trying to make there"   

My point was that my kids are not materialistic little monsters like some have suggested.  Too many single income families make comments about "going without" and how their kids are learning more valuable life lessons than getting "things".  Also,  many at home Moms complain that hubby's don't do anything around the house.  In fact, in my neighborhood, I am considered the lucky one because my hubby does do so much.  Again, they forget that I have worked since day one and then they quiet down.     

have seen the daycare system abused so many times, where the parent gets off at 2:00 and leaves their kids there until 6:00 anyway or will drop them off on their day off because " they deserve a break too".   

Yes, I have seen this, too.  I have also seen at home Moms who don't do anything with their kids and cannot wait to pawn them off to the first available neighbor because they "need a breaK' .  Sometimes, I have seen our cousin who has two kids (single Mom) leave one or the other until 6   

so she can watch the other's sports game.  Yes, I have even left one in daycare so I could grocery shop and run errands.  Until recently, I worked on Sundays and had one day with my entire family and didn't see spending it running around especially with soccer games and cub scouts.  I also volunteered (on my day off) each week at my son's school.  I think many at home Moms forget how much help they have.  I have seen kids dropped off for grocery shopping and naps by SAHM's but if a working parent uses the daycare an extra hour (that they paid for) God help us all!!  That's my point- you never know until you are in someone else's shoes what they go through.  I have never (and will never) say being home is easy- I don't think I'd have the patience to do it they way I think it should be done.  However, I do think some women take advantage of being home , have a lot more "help" than they realize and forget what a luxury being home really is.    

 I read this and yes, it is very sad that there are poor quality daycares out there.  I can also see if this is the ONLY thing you see how your perception of daycare would be skewed.  Yet, remember, there are women who have spouses who rape/molest their children IN THE HOME and the women never even know.  Even worse, some do know and don't know how to stop it and do nothing.Frtunately, we have always had FANTASTIC caregivers for both of our kids.  How do I know?  Because I have great kids...polite, smart, and fun.  Contrary to popular belief, they are "REAL BOYS" but know the limits and boundaries.  I like to think (and of course I could be wrong)that I know them and their behavior.  Most people who have had children that were "messed with" say that looking back they did notice a change in behavior while the problem was going on.   To each  his own but don't assume that just because you see something once it happens all the time.  I have made this mistake and been shown different.  Truth be told, at the park and other places, I am probably the most watchful of my kids (along with my husband) than most parents I see.  They are rarely more than an armlength away and yes, they have been "trained" what to do if someone approaches them.  Take care! 

Seems like you just want to be the best parent at the playground. Are you really the" most watchful" or just the most anal? "  

Just had a minute (literally) and wanted to respond to this.  Yes, it's probably a little of both of these.  Yes, I want to be a good parent in every area- not just at the playground.  I don't want myself or my children to become a statistic. I'm  doing a great job for my kids but like everything there is always room for improvement, right?  I do get tired though of the boo-hooing of SAHM's. That seems to be the ONLY thing that is on these boards.  Of course, the title alone (Wifestyles) really got some people in an uproar.  I believe (for what it's worth) that yes, if you are at home there are certain things that hubby can EXPECT shoudl be done on a regular basis.  I don't think every day is realistic as kids get sick and days run away from ALL of us but on a general level, yes, dinner should be made and the house should be picked up to some degree.  If that is your SOLE "job" so to speak, get a plan and structure and things can run smoothly for the most part.  I'm not saying it's easy (I';ve never had the chance to do it) but I think a lot of women make excuses for not doing what they say they've always wanted to do.  Some forget what a luxury it is to be home and have the choice .  

So, you're saying that the only money used since the birth of your daughter is money you earned from your job previous to her arrival?  If that's true (which I highly doubt) then good for you.  Most people don'[t have a clue how much money is needed to really raise a child.  By the way, who provides the medical benenfits?  That's on ongoing thing and the last time I checked most people (either husband or wife) need to be working to get those and for them to be affordable.  I have also worked since I was 15.  I'm just very confused about how you "earned" staying home.  I just think you are really losing track of why you are home.  It is a luxury that most don't have.  If you choose not to see that or be grateful that you can be with your daugher each day then I'm not sure why you are home.  And yes, I am not only grateful for my job but do consider it a luxury to have work.  I do also "earn" my position by doing what's expected of me.  I have annual reviews that insure I am doing the job I applied for.  Do you have that?  I don't think so.  You wanted to stay home so what exactly are the "job requirements"?  Amyjo alluded to this fact and so many got really offended and I'm not sure why.  I work  and have bosses and others to insure my job is being done correctly.  If I were home and that were my "job choice" so to speak, I would also have certain requirements.  True, my hubby is not my boss but I can see the frustration of all the men if they are working their butts off to provide a nice life and the women are at home and the house is filthy, dinner is not cooked and the kids are filthy and running around in PJ's at 5:00 when he gets home and the wife has not showered or changed clothes all day!  Not that all at home Moms are like this but I think we all agree some are.  Yes, some days will be like that due to kids getting sick (or Mom) but overall I think there are certain things that need to be done on a daily basis - especially if the woman agrees to do them!  Amyjo also talks about this...agreeing to do a job and not doing it.  IF you say "I want to be home to raise the kids and run the house" then that's what should be done.  It's like a man saying" I'll make the money" and not doing it.  Where would you be?  I do NOT think the men on the show were real men by their behavior but I can see the frustration.     

"You seem to operate under the assumption that only a dual income marriage is a true partnership. Do you and your husband divvy up whose money is whose and who pays for what? My husband and I have different roles in our family and his happens to generate the income. It doesn't mean we don't make family decisions jointly and that it's HIS money. Neither of us could have our life without the other. "  

First off, I know deep down you have respect for the dual income family as noted in a lot of your posts.  I assume that this was just a bad day.  Since you have never worked outside the home  

(and I'm not saying that mean, just stating a fact) you can't really comment on the differences between my marriage and yours.  No, I do not think the only true partnership is a dual income family, however, it doeslevel the playing field.  Let me explain....all the Wifestyles shows have single income families and all of them are unhappy.   Next, because I work outside the home and help with bills, my hubby helps more with housework, kids and whatever else needs to be done.  He would probably still do all of that if I didn't work (he's a great guy like that) BUT I would not want that for him.  IF we had the money for me to stay home, I am the kind of person I would take care of it...clean house, stimulated kids, involved at school. etc.  In fact, I do a lot of that now and I bring home a check.There would be very few PJ days and not showering.  I understand if you have infants or multiple kids with few years in between but again, you and hubby chose that.  My hubby has said if I stayed home that he would definitely want a picked up house, dinner on the table and all that.  The extremes of micromanangement shown on the TV are just ridiculous- I th ink we all know that.  However, I will say (again) that some women don't feel the drive to do much beyond the basics when they are home.  I do not or have EVER thought staying home was easy but I think a lot of women take advantage and get burned out.  For instance, if one has never worked or stuggled how can they appreciate what they have?  That's my point.    

  Also, in my house, ALL the $$ goes into ONE account and we pay what we need to from there and spend the rest.  My husband has not signed a check in years and he's OK with that.  Truth be told, I handle most of the bill paying.  As long as things are not shut off and they dont' call he's happy.  From what I understand, you have a charmed life and that's great.  However, a lot of women who stay home and are virtually obvlivious to the money part are really not in a good position if something happened.  Be it divorce, death or disability most women who don't get involved in the money aspect of marriage are at a huge disadvantage.  I'm NOT saying all women SHOULD work...just get involved and make sure that somehow your skills are kept up.  Someone who has been out the workforce (even if only a few years) is not near as  likely to be hired on at a decent salary.  That is just fact.  Some manage to go back out and do well but that is not the norm.  Just a thought.  Sorry for the novel but I have limited post time so I have to make it count!  

Kira  

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net (email anytime, you seem nice)  

"My comment about the dual income marriage was in regards to your argument that a SAHM didn't "earn" her lifestyle because she doesn't make the money"  

Where did I say this?  I just re-read my post and never ONCE did I say anything even close to this.  In fact, it was Purple who said this- that she "earned" staying home and I was confused and asked for clarification.  I'm sorry that what I say you (and others) take so wrong but I'm supposed to be so open minded and let everyone walk over me.  Lilke I said before, I have respect for ALL moms who are doing a good job.  I have seen (like all have) Moms who take advantage with daycare and those who take advantage of being home.  Yet, at home Moms don't want to believe that one of their own could ever  take advantage of being home.  It's great your husband helps AND you have no money issues...we should all be so lucky.  That takes a lot of stress out of the game plan.  Yes, I get boys take a lot of care.  I have two myself, remember?  I just don't believe women who can't keep  

house running smoothly when all they've ever wanted to do is be home.  I don't understand not getting a plan together and working it.  Maybe it's just me.  Yeah,  yeah, I get there are days when things go south very quickly but is that every day?  If it is then maybe the plan needs a remodel.  That's my only issue...that if you're at home then yes, kids should be well taken care of.  Not all at home Moms do that, in my opinion.  A lot of at home Moms are burnt out, distracted and not motivated to do very much.  I have seen it in ALL demographics (not just mine) and I think it's sad.  Some really do make an effort (like the show) and just have jerks for husbands.  However, if the "plan" was for them to stay home and keep house and raise kids then how can I feel bad when they are getting what they want?  I don't know.    

"Why are you so sure you know exactly how much you could accomplish and exactly what it would be like? My children need supervision, physical care and attention ALL DAY EVERY DAY. " 

This is EXACTLY my issue.  I'm glad YOU brought it up.  So, your kids don't nap?  They don't sit and color or paint?  Even infants sleep most of the time so I don't believe that every minute of every day is consumed by your kids. Most of the Moms on this board have stated that kids as young as two can entertain themselves for a while- long enough for them to post anyways.  Yes, kids need care however, I do think (depending on the ages) that there are times they can be entertained for a minute or two by themselves with the need for less supervision now and then.  Otherwise, if any of us had more than one how would we manage?  I have never said I think staying home is a cake walk but I do think a day can be mapped out to where things can get done AND the kids care doesn't suffer.  It's like Amyjo said...IF you're saying this is my job, role or whatever you call it then kids CAN be taken care of AND the house can be managed effectively.  Over and over I have said that there are going to be days when things don't happen according to plan BUT that should not be the norm.  Unless, you wake up each day with no plan and just "wing it" then I can see how things go south.  Like I said, I think a lot of Moms (including myself) lose balance and need to step back and re-evaluate.  For me, I know my situation is not what everyone thinks it should be but I love my life, my husband and my kids and I love the fact that we are not on Dr. Phil complaining about life and we are actually living it!   

"Why is this your issue? Seriously, why does it bother you so much? You seem to have a need to be assured that SAHMs get that they are "lucky" to be home with their kids and that they are doing as good of a job as you believe you would do in the same situation. If I decide to take a break while my kids nap, why does that bother you? It wouldn't bother me if you ran an errand or even got a manicure before you got your kids from daycare...." 

It's my "issue" because that same at home Mom who does nothing with her kids, for her hubby or for the house is considered the greatest parent ever because she's "at home" and not using daycare.  Also, that same Mom will  and does judge me...I've had it happen too many times to count.   You can say all you want it doesn't happen but it does and yes, it hurts.  I think it's really easy to look at any situation and think the other person has it made.  As for offering me a kind ear...don't think that would EVER happen!  The minute I mention daycare/working no one has anything nice to say.  Look at these boards, Julie...who here has said anything positive or supportive to me other than you?   I have said over and over how I don't think I'd have the patience to stay home or that I think it is really tough.  Has even one person talked about what my day can be like?  I don't need pity either but I get tired of hearing over and over about the  poor, tired, lonely  at home Mom   who sacrifices all things for her kids (Purple) or how every minute of every day is just perfect no matter what gets done (jetta) or about every minute of every day is consumed by their kids and they are  never ever away from Mommy or other family (Texas) .  I work out of financial necessity, pure and simple.  We don't live extravagantly (as others think) yet we do have what we need and a little extra.  Even if I "sacrificed' the little extra we do have I coudn't stay home.   All in all, yes, I am judged for using daycare and it does bother me.  Just like the supposed "insults" I put out there against at  home Moms bother you- the fact that we do or don't act that way is not the issue.  Like I've said over and over, it would be nice to think being a good Mom is more than whether or not one uses daycare.  It just seems that at home Moms all want to have the saddest story to tell...as if that makes them a better Mom.  Who can make better cookies, who cooks more and who does what on less money...no thanks.     

"my reason was because 6 hours is just too long for me to be a way from my 3 year old. " 

Honestly, you think that when you make a comment like this it doesn't offend/judge or insinsinuate to a WM that what she does (use daycare) isn't a problem with you?  You know it does, but you don't admit it.  It's great that you have 100% fulfillment from parenting AND that you don't have to work.  That is not a reality for most.   You and I have been round and round and yes, I have seen posts from you where you are actually honest about your feelings and say daycare is wrong.  What you say will not change my views or how I do things, either.   Your little "comments" hurt and then when you try to skirt the issue and get out of it..well...maybe you shouldn't have said it.  I don't understand a lot of your posts -they go all over the place,are very rambling. and are filled with typing errors.  You mean well but don't think about how someone might take something who's from a different place.  Yes, I get offended because I don't think the majority of posts from you are  very realistic  (in a lot of ways) and I do think you believe that what you have is possible and should be sought out by all Moms.   

"it   doesn't mean that we are saying another mom is not doing what is right,...." 

Yes, that is exactly what's being put out there and that's why people take offense.  It does sound like you are a good person with a good spirit yet you are a little naive.  You have heard negative comments about staying home, yet you have support in a million other places.  A working mom gets it from all places, support is hard to find.  yes, I have gone to the message boards for WM's and you know what?  They all whine about how they want to stay home!!!!!    What I find so funny is that I post once/twice a week (On the weekend when my kids are quietly playing with Dad) and then I check in the following weekend and guess what? 

  All these busy Moms have nothing better to talk about than what I posted (usually to someone else) a week ago!  I find that funny!   

All in all, Jetta, I do respect the fact you are involved and actually do for your children and your house!!!!!  I respect that you love being a Mom above everything else.  I respect that you are involved in Church activities with your kids, too.   Now, can you learn to respect anything about a WM using daycare?