Messages By: jules1965

My 1st marriage was to a man twice my age. I was 23, he was 46 when we married.

We had a wonderful marriage for awhile but I was too immature and we divorced amicably. (he passed away a few years later but we remained good friends til the end, we made better friends than partners)

Now I'm remarried to a man 8 years younger than I.

He was also a PIZZA DELIVERY "BOY" but he had just turned 22, it was his 2nd job while going to college full time.

No way did I want a relationship with someone that was barely 22 when I was turning 30, divorced with 2 children.......until he kissed me.

He asked me to marry him for 3 years and I refused each and every time......until he got wise and asked permission from my daughters who quickly started planning our wedding before he asked me to marry him the last time and I accepted.

It wasn't always easy in the beginning. He was younger and wanting to experience life, things I'd already done so I wasn't thrilled.

We broke up the first 10 months of our marriage...........but we got back together because he 'grew up' during our break up. (we both grew up)

We started over and here we are 13 years later, married almost 10 yrs. (We married on April Fools Day!)

Since we've reunited we have not even had an argument, fight or anything.........we still don't argue.

I'm glad we worked it out. We both learned during our break up that we loved each other deeply. We're soul mates, we complete each other.

My husband now has a great career making upper 5 figures, we just bought our 1st home.

We've had a lot of tragedy when we lost 3 pregnancies and I can no longer get pregnant. It was devastating to us but we managed to become even closer, so close that NOTHING could ever break us apart except death.........and not even then, we've both said we'd never marry again and I mean it and I KNOW he does.

He doesn't have any biological children and knew going in that it was a strong possibility he'd never have any.....and that is the way it has worked out. He is fine with that, he LOVES ME. I almost died twice trying to give him a child, each time required emergency surgery to save my life.

When I woke up from surgery my husband was hovering over me, breathing in the air I exhaled, babying me, taking care of me.

Thirteen years and this man still holds the door open for me, he has me on a pedestal, he WORSHIPS ME! 

I don't work outside the home because of my disability (spina bifida occulta and other back related problems) but he wouldn't want me to work even if I wasn't disabled.

I'm here to say that a May/December relationship CAN WORK if you're willing to put a lot of work and understanding into it. It can be a very bumpy road at times but it can work.

I wasn't cruising the high schools or stealing my kids friends, I met my husband at work. We were friends for months before he kissed me. I was totally oblivious to the fact he was interested in ME.

I have a GREAT GUY. I totally didn't think I DESERVED a great guy but I thought I'd give it a chance and if I don't deserve him, he'll find out sooner or later and it would have been fun while it lasted.

HA.......little did I realize I'd found my FOREVER LOVE.

BTW, my husband is 9 yrs older than my oldest daughter. We have a 6 1/2 yr old granddaughter that thinks GRAMPA hung the moon and stars.

In her eyes he did!

He LOVES our granddaughter to pieces and we spend all time with her.

My husband would have made a great father but that was not meant to be.......but we were rewarded with a wonderful granddaughter to help ease the pain of not having our own children.

I just turned 42, my husband is 34.

I am one LUCKY woman that can honestly say I am HAPPILY MARRIED.

Julie

Yes and I grew up in rural NC from slave owning descendants and in Detroit with the 'yankees'.

I heard the N word every single day of my life until I was 13 years old.

I was told "N's" were BELOW US, scum of the earth, only good for working in cotton/tobacco/cucumber/strawberry fields.......they were NOT to be associated with under ANY circumstances period.

Meanwhile my mother was picking tobacco, strawberries, cucumbers and she is white.

Blacks lived like pigs yet we didn't have indoor plumbing in the late 60's well into the mid 70's. My own grandmother didn't get an indoor bathroom until 1978!

Yet 'N's' were BELOW us.

It didn't take a second to realize that the hate we were being TAUGHT was hypocritical and WRONG!

I vowed as a child that my children would NEVER see color and NEVER be taught the N word or that being WHITE was RIGHT.

My children grew up in a home that looked like the United Nations summit meeting. Black, white, hispanic,Thai, Muslim, Buddist, Jewish, Christian........it DID NOT MATTER!

My children were taught to look at a persons HEART, not the skin color covering it. My granddaughter is being raised the same way.

HATE NO RACE, HATE NO COLOR, HATE NO RELIGION. HATE NO ONE.

Just because it was taught to me didn't make me buy into it nor pass it on to another generation.

I also come from a long line of alcoholics.....so I didn't drink. My children don't drink.

I also grew up in severe child abuse, sexual abuse and watched spousal abuse daily.......and I managed to not pass those horrible traits down to another generation.

Just because you hear the N word doesn't mean you have to SAY IT.

Just because you were beaten doesn't mean you have to be a BEATER.

You get my drift.

I'm 42, I saw the 'white only' and blacks went to the backdoor of every establishment.

I'm again living in NC after being gone 28 years.......things have changed quite a bit and I'm PROUD of the changes in people, but they still have a long way to go.

Go to www.abolishthenword.com

How can we condemn "DOG" or anyone else for saying the N word when it so pervasive in our society?

Its in our music, its in our movies, its on the street.

Blacks should not address another person by the N word (or ho or b*tch or anything else derrogatory)

No white person should ever let that word roll off their tongue either.

First though, blacks need to STOP USING IT and maybe, every other ignorant person will too.

Keep it out  of our music, our movies ect.

My husband and I have been swinging going on 5 years.

My family is aware of it as are my grown adult children, even my MOTHER.

I think what shocked my mother (think old school'what would the neighbors think?)

So I went to a popular swing site, typed in my zip code, put in a 50 mile radius and viola, up popped over 500 couples......there mom, that's what my neighbors think.

She was aghast of course that so many people were swinging, not that my husband and I swing.

The thing about swinging is, there must be 110% agreement between the couple if they are wanting to try this.

They must be 2000% committed to their MARRIAGE.

They must set clear and unbreakable RULES for swinging, any violation of the rules and the swinging ends or the marriage will.

Protect yourself at all times, from pregnancy, disease, weirdos.

Never go with strangers, always get to know the people first (phone, internet, safe place to meet for the 1st time)

Swinging has not harmed our marriage whatsoever. We've had 3 somes (MFM and FMF as well as couples MF/MF)

If swinging has done anything to our marriage it has strengthened it, we have more trust for each other, our sex life..........well......just RULES!

We are open with each other, no secrets, no lying, the trust is amazing!! If both of us don't agree to a situation 110%.......we leave, simple as that.

Nobody can enter our marriage, they may enter our bed but not our marriage. We are a team and will remain until death do us part.

Swinging is absolutely NOT for everyone.

No partner should feel threatened, forced, or guilted into doing anything they do not want to do!

The couple coming on the show where the wife doesnt want to do it but feels pressure from her husband and is scared he'll leave if she doesn't go along with him.......

Face it, there are much deeper problems than just if his 'needs' or 'wants' aren't met or she doesnt do what HE wants to do.

Some people are not into swinging nor ever will be. It isn't right for everyone. (though the numbers are so high that fact has room for argument!)

One thing swinging has given us is a much deeper understanding of each other, has enhanced a very wonderful sex life too.

Mind you, this isn't an everyday thing or we spend time cruising, we're part timers......if we find a nice couple fine, if not, fine too.

Its been a year since we swung but we move across country and have been busy....if the mood strikes we'll search for like minded adults and see where it goes......our lives are not consumed by swinging, only positively enhanced  our marriage, IN and OUT of the bedroom.

I am so MAD right now I could spit nails at you Dr Phil!!

Sheri is a rape VICTIM and your tone and demeanor CEMENTED the fact that SHE met a man at a casino, went to his room and was held hostage and raped for 2 days.......was HER FAULT!

That is exactly the way it came across!!

I'm a rape SURVIVOR and I know exactly where Sheri's head is, I LIVED it!

15 men in 4 years is NOTHING compared to what I went did to MYSELF.....hurting MYSELF, perpetuating the feelings of uselessness, unworthiness, uncleanliness for my rape.....because I too blamed myself for the rape! (just like Sheri!)

I skipped school with my step-cousin and my boyfriend in 9th grade. I was a VIRGIN.

I trusted my step-cousin and my boyfriend and I weren't anywhere near thinking of sex.

I was raped that afternoon!

My parents didn't believe me, then they blamed me saying I was causing trouble and I was a SLUT for being raped.

That lead to MANY years of self destructive behavior, sleeping around, unprotected sex (pre-AIDS era).

I helped destroy 2 marriages with my self destructive behavior.

It wasn't until I had a nervous breakdown at age 29 after a man broke in my house (someone I knew for yrs)  tried to rape me. He was unsuccessful but it still took me 45 minutes of fighting/negotiating to thwart his rape attempt. I woke up with him on top of me after he used a drivers license to unlock my apartment door.

That sent me over the edge and I did check myself into a psychiatric hospital for 5 days.

It took 5 words to 'cure' me.......the words "It was NOT your fault!" (not 'cure' but HELPED me tremendously!)

All those years I blamed myself for making the stupid decision to skip school with my stepcousin and boyfriend (both raped me)

My parents reinforced that it was MY fault.

So what did I do? Lived my life living up to the way I felt about myself, just like Sheri is doing!

Yes she needs help but your quip (not exact words) "you already met a man at a casino, went home with him and were raped and held hostage for 2 days" as if it were HER FAULT that incident occurred!!

Your tone was so condescending I wanted to reach through the tv and scream at you. I've never been so MAD in all my life!

Don't you realize that many rape victims and rape survivors have PTSD? (post traumatic stress disorder)

HELLO!

I've had PTSD my entire life from child abuse, sexual abuse, witnessing horrific violence in my household from the time I was inside my mothers womb until I was 13 years old. I was 14 when I was raped.

My entire life until the age of 35 was completely MESSED UP, much of it I perpetuated upon myself.

What you should have told Sheri is that meeting the man at the casino, and leaving with im was not the smartest moves she ever made but the RAPE was NOT YOUR FAULT!

It was NOT your fault! That is what Sheri NEEDED to hear and you didn't tell her! Instead you reinforced that she is mentally ill because of the behavior she is expressing, yes she is, but you didn't tell her anything beyond that......that PTSD was likely, depression ect.

Sheri, if you're reading this......take this from somebody that has been where you are: THE RAPE WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

I'm not condoning her behavior within her marriage, sleeping around with other men, but I certainly UNDERSTAND it because I've lived it.

Her husband isn't exactly baracading the door or beating the men up so he's enabling the behavior.

Thank God I heard those 5 words that saved my life :It was NOT your fault!

I also got HELP though I still suffer from PTSD and will probably always take medication for it.

It has eased over the years but has not totally disappeared, nor do I have hope of it happening. I still can live my life without having to make too many allowances for it.

I also have a wonderful husband of nearly 10 yrs that has helped me HEAL and to become a WHOLE person. He is a beautiful person that loves me unconditionally.....and yes, much of this has manifested during our 13 years together, but he's never faltered, he's always helped me back up, (without enabling me) hugged me, loved me and talked to me about it.

Our marriage is rock solid and I'm so grateful I have a wonderful partner that UNDERSTANDS.

I've taken my rape experience and became a rape crisis advocate, a cause very near and dear to my heart.

It is heartbreaking to relive(internally)  my experiences with each woman I meet , but if it helps just ONE woman, it was WORTH me living through it over and over again.

Women, if you've been raped, it was NOT YOUR FAULT! Get help, we have great rape crisis centers that offer rape counseling for FREE.

I dont care if you were raped yesterday or 30 years ago, it effects your life.......the rape crisis center is equipped to help you or direct you to further services. Call your local rape crisis center.

Sheri is a RAPE VICTIM.

If you knew anything about rape victims, her behavior is very typical of rape victims.

What Dr Phil needed to tell her was that the rape was NOT HER FAULT so she needed to quit punishing herself for the rape/hostage incident.

I have 2 years of rape crisis advocacy experience AND I'm a rape SURVIVOR.

Sheri probably has post traumatic stress disorder, depression and a feeling of self worth that is so low it doesn't even register.......all because of the rape.

Your comment sounds like you're blaming the VICTIM just like Dr Phil did!

Don't blame the victim, especially a RAPE victim. If you haven't walked a mile in a rape victims shoes, don't judge them.

Sheri is a RAPE VICTIM not a sex addict.

Two different entities there.

I'm a rape survivor, I know exactly where Sheri's head is at, I lived it.

Why is everyone dumping on Sheri like Dr Phil??

Sheri is a RAPE VICTIM!

My God people, quit blaming the VICTIM!

No her behavior is not 'right' but it certainly isn't abnormal for rape VICTIMS.

Nobody should condone her behavior but try to UNDERSTAND IT.

I guess it takes a rape survivor to recognize a rape victim. I LIVED Sheri's life and trust me, I trashed 2 marriages and slept with way more than 15 men in 4 years!

I perpetuated my own feelings of worthlessness and guilt for my rape, I BLAMED MYSELF for my own rape.

It took a nervous breakdown and 5 words "IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT" before I started to SEE I was hurting myself because I blamed myself.

Like Sheri I made a bad decision but I was 14 years old when I was raped.

Sheri does need HELP, she doesn't need to be BLAMED, she needs to be UNDERSTOOD with compassion.

So yes, there is JUSTIFICATION for her actions, she's a VICTIM who can't break out of that victim cycle of self loathing and self destruction.

What Dr Phil needed to tell Sheri today was that the rape was NOT HER FAULT and point out how she's perpetuating the victimization each time she sleeps with someone outside of her marriage.

He needed to show her that she could break her self destructive lifestyle once she recognized that she was a VICTIM and it wasn't her fault.

God don't you guys realize that rape victims BLAME THEMSELVES then often self destruct?

Don't JUDGE, understand and offer compassion!

Yes, Sheri IS going to continue this behavior........as long as she blames herself for the rape.

Sheri is a RAPE VICTIM and this behavior is often common among rape victims.

I'm so tired of the 'blame the victim' mentality when people don't have a CLUE what its like to be a rape victim!

I've been a rape advocate for over 2 years, I know Sheri because I WAS SHERI, I lived her life only much much worse. Sheri is SCREAMING FOR HELP and needs to seek counseling, preferably with a great rape crisis center where they are EQUIPPED to handle all the nuances that go with being a rape victim. If she needs further help they will set her up with a very qualified psychiatrist/psychologist/mental health services.

AMEN and very well said.

I'm so sorry you too know what Sheri is experiencing. (I lived her life for many years too)

Good for you for getting your life back. I know how hard that is to do, to self evaluate and to make the necessary changes is very very hard and so commendable! WTG!

Thank you for understanding Sheri when so many others are spouting venom without even trying to understand where her head is.

I think the only way to truly understand Sheri is to feel her because we've seen her before in our own mirror.

Sheri is a rape VICTIM.

People need to understand that she is not abnormal among rape/abuse survivors.