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Messages By: gwarrior6

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confused
October 30, 2006, 6:15 pm CST

House of Hatred

Hi Dr. Phil,

 

Regarding House of Hatred:  You refer to people's feelings as "ignorant".  More specifically Christina's hatred of homosexuality stemming from her mother's rejection.  Personally, I don't think hatred of homosexuality is "ignorant" because of passages in the Bible referring to sexual immorality.  It's more of a belief derived from a book.  Hating the homosexual is the "ignorant" part-hate the sin, love the sinner.  Christina should forgive her mother and I'd like to see a reunion after she's gotten over her hatred for Tessa.  Anyway, food for thought.

 

 

 
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December 4, 2006, 3:28 pm CST

The Stepdad is kind of a jerk

When I saw today's show, I felt really bad for the girls.  The guy just had this "Who Cares if my decisions hurt someone else" attitude.  His wife is definitely the dominant one in that relationship, but she was just really selfish and encouraged her husband to abandon them.  She should have set aside a specific visiting time for the girls for their father even if she didn't want anything to do with them.  That would have been the responsible thing to do.  No wonder their self esteem was shot, she basically told them they didn't deserve a dad.  Anyway, I think today really helped them see what a loser he is and was very cathartic in helping them see that.  I got the impression that they were over a big hump- they seemed receptive to help and I think they'll do very well.
 
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December 4, 2006, 3:31 pm CST

Way to Go!!

Quote From: loneillstar

You took the words right away from my keyboard! (Smile).  I too am clean and have a wonderful life! I will be graduating college in June 07! I have a good relationship with Jesus, I am blessed with well balanced children in spite of their childhood. I am single and I know God will provide a good man of God to be my partner. God bless you, Lonnie O'Neill St.Cloud, Minnesota

That is really inspirational and I pray that God will walk with you always. God bless.

 
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surprised
December 4, 2006, 3:51 pm CST

That's Harsh

Quote From: sierra1966

Michelle...

I could not agree w/you more in regard to  the trend that  our society  seems to have adopted when it comes to taking responsibilty for our actions.  I am under the impression that Dr. Phil feels that the stepfather of the twins should accept at least some of the responsibilty for the path that they chose.  Quite frankly...I was surprised by this, as there are many abandoned children in this world who did not choose the path that they travelled.  Furthermore...I really cannot find any circumstance that justifies injecting toxic substances into a perfectly healthy body or prostituting oneself to pay for it!  Personally...I do not feel that the stepfather should be held responsible for any of their very, very poor choices.

The reason for my response to your particular post; however, are the circumstances surrounding your daughter & the choices that SHE made.  While her situation is far & away from that of the twins...I find that your position regarding your daughter & grandchildren warrants the same consideration that you gave to the twins' stepfather. 

Your daughter chose to marry an abuser.  Worse yet...she chose to bring 5 (NOT 1 or 2) innocent 'victims', as you describe them, into this world!  She also chooses to live in an area that is known for it's 'high cost of living' issues.

Now...your position appears to be that she is not receiving enough from the 'State' might I add...in the form of hand-outs for choices that SHE made!  Are you saying that the good citizens of California are responsible for your daughter's actions/choices...but the stepfather of the twins has no responsibilty in regard to their plight?

As per your message, it is my understanding that you are assisting in the care of your 5 grandchildren?  Therefore, your daughter has not only held the California taxpayers responsible for her actions...she is holding you responsible, as well. 

Moreover, what about holding the father of your grandchildren responsible for their care?

Yes, I also agree w/you when you speak of free will.  But...tell me...does this also not apply to your daughter?

Dana.

You two might have had tough times, but you had really good coping mechanisms.  Just because you had a lot of hard stuff thrust on you doesn't mean another person has the same strength.  I'm not saying they don't own anything in their decision to get lit.  I can relate to the low self-esteem issues in childhood and how they can make you feel really worthless and suicidal.  I can see how someone could turn to drugs to drown out the pain (like cutting for someone with an anxiety disorder).

OF COURSE, the Stepdad DID have some ownership in this because the girls already had some abandonment issues from the biological father bailing out on them, but once they weren't "cute" anymore he did the same thing to them-jerk.

Just like the dangerous doody-head your daughter thought would be a good dad.  He's got quite a bit of ownership into smacking around innocent children-that really screws people up.  He's got some kind of control issue and its HIS responsibility to admit that and get help-not the kids ownership that their dad abuses them-Last time I checked there was no circumstance that justifies abandoning OR abusing your kids.  THAT's screwed up!

You need to get some help, lady, because sooner or later, whatever's bubbling beneath the surface, the abuse, the arm, whatever- is going to find a way to peek its head out (repression).

 

It makes me so mad that people blame the victim when they really ARE victims! Unbelievable!  Is it the victims fault when they're stabbed, beat up, shot at?  Heck no!    Go back and take a course in psychology at the community college, because youre really far off base!

 

 
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December 7, 2006, 2:56 pm CST

Not Referring SOLELY to you

Quote From: sierra1966

I don't believe that I mentioned hard times in my past, if you are referring to me.  I also do not recall mentioning having 'good coping mechanisms'.  However, you may not be referiring to me.  I am not certain.

If the twins refused to live by the rules of the Stepfather & his new wife...I do not find fault w/his decision, especially in light of the fact that he had a very young, impressionable daughter in the household at the time.  I am fully aware of the 'antics', as well as the dangers of a drug addict & would not welcome one in my home...with or w/o a child already present in my home.

That being said...the whole point to my reply to the original poster was that I completely agreed w/her regarding the position that our society seems to have taken when it comes to accepting responsibilty for one's actions.  Being held accountable is something that is quickly becoming foreign to our culture.  The original poster pointed out that the twins were not accepting responsibility for their behavior; however, she thought nothing of society paying the price for her daughter's very poor choices in regard to bearing 5 children to an abusive, drug-addicted dolt!

If you are referring to me 'blaming the victim'...let me assure you that you must have misunderstood.  The 5 children are the innocent 'prisoners' of this woman & her idiot husband.  However...this woman repeatedly made the CHOICE to bring 5 INNOCENT children into a very toxic, unhealthy environment.  Then she turns around & expects that the good citizens of California pay for her actions!  The original poster was speaking w/a forked tongue, as it were.

Again...if you are referring to me in regard to college psychology...my accomplishments are far beyond that.  And...yes...if you CHOOSE to remain in an abusive relationship...you deserve what you get.  The children OTOH...certainly do not!

Dana.

Dana

 

I was NOT referring solely to you, but to the original poster.  Yes, we need to hold people accountable, but when you blame the children in the situation for the sins of the parents, that is what i was debating. 

Yes, both the original poster's daughter and the drug addicted twins made bad decisions.  Look at the environment in which they were raised.  Abandoned by their biological father, overly permissive mother, and having a Stepdad abandon them, they could have been a lot more screwed up.

They DID take accountability for their actions by being receptive to Dr. Phil's offer for help- rehab in seperate arenas.

I don't really know what your "accomplishments" encompass, and have no way to determine your educational level, although the original poster sounds like she came from a lower class, judgmental, limited educational back ground.  Although, you made a good point about her not holding her daughter accountable- I get that.  If she holds everyone else to a certain standard and not her own, that's hypocrisy (sp?).

 
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December 7, 2006, 3:19 pm CST

agree

Quote From: midias

He's NOT their step father, he's their father through legal adoption. The twins were twelve years old when Perry broke off contact, they were still children, troubled yes, but kids that needed their father's attention. They weren't total addicts at age twelve so I think the baby's belongings would have been safe and who knows, maybe with dad and a second, stable enviroment to grow up in, maybe the new baby's stuff never would come to be in risk of being sold for dope.

  The father through legal adoption should have told his wife that he had a responsibility.  You don't just dump a kid b/c they have problems.  You talk to them, work it out, get them help, spend time with them.  He didn't even have to take them into his house, just spend time with them and be there for them.  That would have helped a lot.

 

Some kind of visitation schedule should have been arranged thru the court with some other relative (not the mom) having sole custody.  That way the "dad" could be in their lives without the "danger" of them being around the baby. 

 

I guess if you knock up some other chick, everyone else has to suffer.

 
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December 7, 2006, 4:29 pm CST

Toxic brothers

When I was 6 yo, my mom had a set of twins, but they had some birth defects.  One just had a clubbed foot, but the other had been born w/o part of his intestines.  From birth until about age 1, he had a colostomy.  After that he had multiple surgeries to fix the problem, but was fecally incontinent until age 10. 

In addition to his physical abnormality, he also had behavioral problems.  He has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).  His ADHD is "controlled" through medication, although he still makes bad judgments and has a hard time thinking through his actions.

The boys are college age now.  The twin with the behavioral problems is a bully and can't seem to take accountability for his actions.  The two were enrolled in classes together, but he just blew it off and copied off the other twin.  They also work together, and that's hard, b/c the place they work has this policy that everyone finishes together and leaves together.  Well, the problem twin finished, and his trainer tells him to leave, so instead of talking to the manager to see what else he could do, he just left.  Now, he doesn't have a car, so he uses his cell to call mom.  When mom arrives, she asks where his brother is.  So the problem twin decides he's going to force the other one to go.  He started knocking on the drive-thru window, and calling him on his cell, just being very disruptive in general.  His brother had to ignore him to finish his work, and when they left he told the other one that the manager was really mad at him.

 

Long story short, the (I'll call him "problem twin' b/c i don't want to use his real name) is sabotaging his brother.  He can't get anything done w/o his brother acting like a maniac and trying to manipulate him so he can just scrape by with the bare minimum.  It's a shame he's doing this, and I hate to see my brother suffer thru this.

 
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December 11, 2006, 8:19 am CST

Naughty advice

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, this seems petty but I NEED advice....

My BIL likes to come across the country ( he's in BC and I am on the East Coast of Canada), and surprise us.

I HATE SURPRISE VISITORS, I truly do, and I have explained this to him, calmly and rationaly, and so has my husband, but he dosen't get it.

Everyone has told me, " he knows it bothers you, that's why he does it ."

So can someone explain what kind of sick plesure it give a person to do this ?  Even AFTER it has been explained  ?  He figures the rest don't mind, so I have to get over it,ARGHHH.

He also likes to tell us how are kids should be raised, church ( my husband and I are agnostic at best), school ( one is a straight A student the other dyslexic but pulling B's), and everything else, he's childless.

I DREAD the holidays because of him, I know I shouldn't let him have that power over me, but it really hurts to know he has ZERO respect for me or my feelings.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Make your BIL as uncomfortable as possible!  Make him sleep on the couch, or better yet, the floor with dirty sheets (b/c your washing machine is broken!), and leave out ads for hotels where he can see them.  You don't have to respect HIS feelings either in conversation.  Tell him he needs to get a wife, (something like "You're not gay or anything, get out there! (If that's okay w/your husband)).

 

Get some S & M stuff/ devil worship stuff and put it around where he can see and tell him youre into that kind of thing, just offend the heck out of him.  Or tell him that God wants him to stop mooching off everyone else during the holidays and start his own family.

 

Also, tell him that what he's wearing is inappropriate for your household, and have rules he should follow while he's at YOUR house.  ITA w/ your husband, if he breaks a rule, out he goes!  He's a typical Alpha male, thinking he can dominate your house, but don't let him!!!

 

 

 
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December 11, 2006, 8:40 am CST

I think she should press charges

 

I hope she divorces this guy and presses charges for scalding her with the food.  There was a story on Oprah about a girl who was in this abusive relationship, and the restraining order was lifted and he set her on fire!  I hope she has the good sense to send him packing before that or something worse happens to her.  She needs to get a restraining order against this guy before she leaves him b/c the abuser gets most violent when the woman tries to leave.

 

A real man knows how to treat women, and the way he treated her wasn't loving at all, in fact its criminal.  The sad part is the cycle of all this...I have a feeling that if she leaves him, she'll just get involved with someone else who treats her the same way...not good for her kid.

 

 

 

 
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chillin'
December 11, 2006, 9:45 am CST

advice4u

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, this seems petty but I NEED advice....

My BIL likes to come across the country ( he's in BC and I am on the East Coast of Canada), and surprise us.

I HATE SURPRISE VISITORS, I truly do, and I have explained this to him, calmly and rationaly, and so has my husband, but he dosen't get it.

Everyone has told me, " he knows it bothers you, that's why he does it ."

So can someone explain what kind of sick plesure it give a person to do this ?  Even AFTER it has been explained  ?  He figures the rest don't mind, so I have to get over it,ARGHHH.

He also likes to tell us how are kids should be raised, church ( my husband and I are agnostic at best), school ( one is a straight A student the other dyslexic but pulling B's), and everything else, he's childless.

I DREAD the holidays because of him, I know I shouldn't let him have that power over me, but it really hurts to know he has ZERO respect for me or my feelings.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

Seriously, my Dad has an Alpha male complex and tries to dominate a lot of things.  But being the first-born female, if i just stood up to him half the time he would back down.  Just let him know that youre not going to tolerate his behavior.  If he acts uncivil, put him on a leash!  YOU control the situation, HE's the guest.  If he doesn't like it, he can bother some other relative, and youre off the hook!

 

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