User Mood
Weird
Message Emote 
|
November 20, 2007, 5:16 pm PST
funny
Quote From: bffsta I was on the show for help plain and simple, I was confused, lost, and just needed help. Was I weak? YES, was I also strong at times YES, I was weak when it came to me and the issues at hand but strong when it came to trying to continue on with the world still turning. Kids don't stop asking for a drink, schoolwork doesn't stop with kids, supper needs to be cooked, everyday things still continue even though you want everything to be put on hold so you can emotionally deal with everything that happened. With two sets of twins , it doesn't stop , it doesn't even halt for a second and you have to continue on with their everyday events as best as possible for some kind of normalcy for them in the storm of chaos in our lives. I was cutting my arm up high 4 times not on my wrist, not that , that is any better, it began when he told me of attacking someone and everytime I would think of it the hurt was so much in my heart to think of what that girl went through it seemed easier to deal with and a controlled "hurt" and in some weird way felt better to cut. I did this for about one week and stopped after I realized this was not appropriate. I am not bi-polar and have never been diagnosed as bipolar and I AM a good mom. I have not always made the correct decisions as I am sure every mom out there could change decisions they have made at some point but I try and believe I do the best I can. My boys are loving, sweet, and mannered. My boys are also very loved. Because one thinks they may not react that way in a traumatic event does not mean all would react the same. I was in shock plain and simple. The cameras were not there behind closed doors in the moments of crying, pain, and fear. My boys were not even in the room for the moments of crying and pain that took over, I had to be strong for them in front of them. Maybe that brought a sense of "normalcy" "numbness" to the situation. But thats exactly what it was - numbness to something I could not emotionally deal with without going over the deep end. I had not slept for over a week and was in a state of total exhaustion and that is why the dr prescribed sleeping pills. I took 3 pills as the first two were not working and just wanted to sleep. I do not remember texting, calling Wade, I also called my sister and a friend and do not remember that either. If I were to cry I prob would not have stopped, I would have been a blubbering mess. I did start off my relationship with Wade while I was separated and he was telling me he was separated also. Was that wrong, yes and I wish I could change it but hindsight is 20/20 and that doesn't mean my family deserved any of this. I knew nothing of Wade's "confessions" or the things he had done until everything unraveled and went into total shock over the whole situation. I do not believe ANYONE would be able to pull the wool over "Dr Phil's" eyes. I cannot believe anyone could honestly say how they would truly react or function in the midst of something that is even unimaginable to be in. I think if you function like everyone would expect you too, there would be a sense of falseness there, but it was never a thought to function or feel how everyone thought "I should" but more just to get throught the minute and the hour. I did contact the police asap, I wanted to the minute I knew but waited till I was safe and he left for work the next morning and called immediately for help outside local law enf beings he worked previously at the local S/O and knew everyone. Everyday I was in contact with someone from law enforcement and was asked to stay a day longer, I was directed at asking certain questions which was difficult to do , but knew if I didn't continue to talk, have sex and continue on as normal he would suspect something and then I/ my family would be in danger. To have someone think I liked it and enjoyed it is sick. I know I will need intense therapy and have huge issues to deal with for a very long time. I do not want the attention and am not attention seeking, I wanted answers and help and thought it would be worth getting those two things. I did not expect or dream in a million years these would be the answers. Why did I not run immediately? To leave with kids esp four little ones, takes a plan a good solid plan, not just a whim of a run. I also have 3 older kids from a prev marriage that what? I just abandon?? How would that traumatize them? The decisions of what to do in a situation is overwhelming, dealing with the situation itself is overwhelming and like I said meanwhile the world continues to turn and eveyday events continue to happen at the same time. Michelle strange how you are here on the day of airing defending your name. I don't care how old or how many children you have you can leave an abusive relationship immediately! No questions asked. Put them in the car with your cell phone and that is all you need. Once it is settled, you can always go back. There ain't no mountain high enough, to risk MY TWINS! or myself.
Money can be found by going to a church in the next town down the road. Another police station.
Don't even try to defend it to me, because I have been there.
|
