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Messages By: lilliesmommie

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frustrated
November 16, 2006, 11:30 am CST

i feel horrible

i have been in my relationship with my fiance for 2 and a half years and i knew about the porn from the beginning as well. At the beginning it was something that we both enjoyed together and then i got pregnant, ever since then our sex life has been on the decline and the porn usage has been on the rise. I finally got tired of the porn videos so i threw them away. Much to my surprise he picked one out of the trash and kept it. well one night when we were having sex  after i had reached my climax and he hadn't  he pulled it out and proceeded to masturbate. I got very upset. So when he was done i broke it into a million pieces and threw it in the trash. I thought that was the end to the porn, Boy was i wrong. I was going to delete the cookies on MY computer and i noticed that he had some cookies on there so i went in and looked at the things he had been looking at, i have to mention i have to delete cookies one at a time, i found all sorts of porn on there. Since i had our daughter i haven't lost any of the baby weight and she is now 16 months old, so i am very self conscious about my body. When we have sex it literally only takes 3 minutes for him to ejaculate and i am left lying on the bed wondering why. We have been in many fights about the subject because it only takes 3 minutes when we have sex but if he is watching porn it takes up to 4 hours before he is done, I try to tell him  how it is making me feel and that it is wearing what little self esteem i have left  to the ground. What am i supposed to do about this? he is a grown man and who am i to treat him like a little boy? I am just grateful that it is porn instead of other women. but how do i get my point across to him?
 
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November 16, 2006, 11:47 am CST

i just need support

lets start this by saying that i didn't lose my mother or father but  on sept. 19 i lost my uncle due to cancer, on Oct. 2 i lost my grandfather due to cancer and the most recent was Nov. 8 my fiance` lost his uncle due to a massive heart attack while he was at work. now the last one even though he was not immediate family he was still family. I just don't know how to deal with it all. I cried over them but i haven't really grieved as of this moment. everyone tells me that it will come when i least expect it. I want it to go ahead and be over with. I know that  each and everyone of them would not want for us to grieve over this, they would want us to be happy. I feel like i have to hide it all because i have a 16 month old daughter and i don't want her to see me like that. So i am being strong for her sake. I live 400 miles away from my family and even though we are close to his family i don't feel like i have a big support system here like i would with my family. His mom gets depressed at the drop of a hat. I have severe depressive disorder and i am borderline bi-polar so in some sense i know how she feels. but i can't talk to her because i don't want to upset her with how i am feeling. if anyone has any ideas of how i can take the time to grieve and not make my daughter have to go through it please let me know
 
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hopeful
December 7, 2006, 10:05 pm CST

i've got news

well i have completely taken him off of the computer so now if he wants to get online then he has to go through me and my account is password protected and i change it every other week. our sex life is slowly but surly getting back to where it was before. but i am sure he will have a relapse. he has admitted that he is addicted to porn. He can't control himself. I am only the 3rd sexual partner he has ever had. and the longest to boot. and for so long porn is how he satisfied his sexual tension. I know it is wrong for me to expect him to just quit high and dry but at least now i am seeing a change in our sex life. I am getting more for longer amounts of time. i know that yall really don't want to hear about this but i just had to get it out. There is a sex life after porn. well that is all for tonight i am going to go to bed now. good night and god bless.
 
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December 8, 2006, 5:19 pm CST

How Porn Has Affected Our Relationship

Quote From: kimikomine

You hit on a very good point. I notice that since my husband uses porn a lot, even when we were having sex, the amount of time we actually did it was not very long. 15 minutes or so. Also he was not into foreplay at all which I found very disturbing since he can watch porn for a hour and do it a few times, look for a while, do it again, but when he was with me, no foreplay, and a quickie sort of. Of course he thought it was amazing that I was able to achieve an orgasm so fast which to him meant I was done.....oh well. Yep. Porn didn't dement his mind, nope, not at all!

 

Being the understanding person I am, I just thought he was squirmish and not experienced so I accepted his lack of say, interest. But what it truly seems now, looking back in hindsight, he likes porn better then real sex, but wants real sex once in a while just to keep the feeling fresh in his mind, and maybe to make him think he is satisfying me and me and being a good husband.

 

It is really sad that so many men fall victim to the porn world and dont' understand why their sex lives are dwindling to a mere trickle. And it is equally as sad that women are now not only dealing with pressures from working very hard during the day, obtaining careers and degrees, raising families, and they can't even come home and expect a good romp in the hay! Our mindset is so set to quick release it just doesn't seem anyone really wants to take the time to get to know someone intimately, be intimate with them and enjoy the beauty and wonderfulness of the human relationship.

 

Hope your rest was peaceful. Kimi

hey at least you got 15 mins with me it was 3 mins (yes i timed it). I told him that if he wanted foreplay he is going to have to start giving it to me, and so far its working. I am proud of him for all that he is doing to make me feel like a real woman again and not just a sex object.  i hope that maybe our stories will help others.

 

my tears are only pure drops of liquid love.

sonia

 
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December 8, 2006, 5:26 pm CST

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: makenah

 

How are you today?  I know it is hard, but kids are smart.  Maybe if you can try to see if you can spend quality time with your daughter.   Remember what my Mom told me:  That is why God gave you that Gift of life.  Your Baby... you too will find a reason to carry on, for those babies.  Even if your not happy, they will give all of us a reason go on!   God Bless you and Keep in touch.  Until tomorrow!  Hugs for you... Mary Ann

sorry it has took so long to reply i have been a little busy. I guess that right now i am going on as good as i can, and your right my little bundle of joy is the reason i am still here. I am still having a hard time coping with the loss of two very important men in my life. I can see a comercial on the television, like the one for the alzimers medicine with the elderly man and his daughter, and cry. that comercial is the hardest because the man reminds me of my gpa. heck i cried at the Thanksgiving day parade. It is coming in waves and i don't know when or where i am going to be when i start a crying jag. but at least it isn't happening when my daughter is around.  well i need to go for now

thank you

sonia

 
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December 9, 2006, 5:53 pm CST

thats just great

Quote From: stevepage

All of this is purely subjective and based upon opinion, not fact. I don't lie, I don't sneak and I don't hide, regarding my use of porn, nor have I ever. I've never had any complaints about my ability to provide for my wife, sexually - if anything, it's the other way around. However, I don't hold it against my wife - her job is physically demanding, she's had problems with illness in the past and her sex drive has always been lower than mine - therefore, I don't take it personally. I find an outlet for my sexual tension instead, which she is quite happy for me to do. She doesn't think any less of me for it either.

My wife was aware of my porn use before we even started seeing each other - we were friends first - so it hasn't changed the relationship. Ergo, there is no negative impact from it, and no deceit.


It seems that how destructive porn is to a relationship is dependent upon how destructive those in the relationship want it to be.

maybe your wife should be nominated for wife of the year too. I'm sorry but you have to put yourself into someone elses shoes for a moment. Take me for instance I knew about my husbands porn addiction before we got together and at first is was a thrill but after i got pregnant my husband withdrew from me and yes he lied, he would sneak around and he would hide, heck he even went so far as to lock me out of our bedroom for 4 hours while masterbated to the porn. I am Not by any means a prude and i will give it up to him even when i am sick if that is what he wants. my daughter is 17 months old  and this has been going on up until i threw out all of the porn in the house and took his account off of the computer and made my password protected. He has been doing better and our sex life is progressing to what it was before baby.

 

It all depends on the spouses of the porn users and their ability to handle what our guys/girls are doing. Me for one I put my foot down and stopped it. That might not work for others but it has worked for me.

 

and that last line in your qoute "It seems that how destructive porn is to a relationship is dependent upon how destructive those in the relationship want it to be."

I didn't want it to be destructive but my husband is an addict and he couldn't stop as long as it was in front of him. Now i get all the pleasure. and our relationship has gotten better because of it

 
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chillin'
December 9, 2006, 5:57 pm CST

good point

Quote From: luvmiman1

Everything that began with how we were raised all the way thru what we experience forms us, changes us, and makes us who we become.   All the way back to how our Dad's and Moms spoke to us...to our first kiss...to our first experiences with sex .  So in knowing that....it's fairly unreasonable to just expect anyone, male or female, to understand us completely as individuals...because their opinions and thoughts also come from how they were molded.  The words we speak also have a great impact on those around us.   Bruises disappear, fade and heal....words don't go away or can even be apologized away.    The damage is perminent in many cases.    Sure there is forgiveness....but the memories are still there.    Women see a lot in others, specifically men and they have little "words" to hear when it comes to a man's feelings.....so his ACTIONS often speak loudly about his personality, his deep feelings and his emotions also shine through.....

 

So also in knowing that......words can mean a lot or a little....but actions of a man means something.  And perhaps this is where the act of seeking sexual gradification elsewhere becomes to damaging to women....specifically those who love these men.   After all.....in the beginning his sexual desires were for her....and then porn comes along and those needs are not so much for her anymore....but she becomes often secondary to what she sees she is NOT for him anymore.   

 

Understanding that is yes very difficult.   Seeing the actions of a man the woman loves deeply is often telling enough.   Or at least to her it is.  She is an emotional  creature for good reasons.....GOD made her this way in order to keep peace and keep the men from killing their young by being able to explain the nature of children to the "beast"...lol.   Without that loving emotional nature she has.....men do not become healthy men either.    At the same time GOD also created men in a very specific and special way.....and that is determined by no mistake.   It's a balancing act through out life....but God made no mistakes in either of us.  What happened is that we stopped seeing those GIFTS in our partners as GIFTS.....but instead judging them as faults.   

 

Luv

thank you  you said it. i wish it would have come out of my head that way
 
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hopeful
December 11, 2006, 12:23 pm CST

thank you to the creater of this board

this is going to be a good board.

sonia

 
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hopeful
December 12, 2006, 7:14 pm CST

how are all of ya'll today

today has been a good day. it was peaceful around here. on another note. I know the impact of porn addiction my fiance` has finally admitted to me that he is addicted to it. I have gone through and thrown away all the porn( at least i thought i did). The other day while i was giving our daughter a bath i looked in the bottom cabinet and i found a porn dvd cover in there, and when i ask him what it was doing in there he said "Use your imagination". I can understand that a woman with low selfesteem already well that makes it plumit down the drain, i know because i am one of those women.I love him more than anything in the world but i don't know how much more of this i can take. I try to talk to him about this but he just sits and watches tv and what i am pouring my heart out about goes in one ear and comes out the other it is like talking to my 17 month old daughter. I have thrown all of the dvds out and i have taken his name and account off of my computer. I guess i have one thing going for me, He doesn't have a bank account or credit cards so he can't buy online. and right now he has no job so we are both looking. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that all of my family is over 400 miles away. I can't just pick up and leave anymore because i have to think about my baby and everything she needs.I don't want to leave him but i just feel like i am at my wits end. what else can i do????
 
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hopeful
December 14, 2006, 8:19 pm CST

thank you for your support

would someone please give me the link to the COSA website. i would like to read up on it. My therapist has always told me that i am a typical co-dependent and i would like to try and break this cycle of dependency. I do have this to say since i have thrown out all the porn our sex life is beginning to go back to what it used to be it is more exciting and definately more fulfilling. I pray to God everyday for him to get the help he needs and i need as well. so thank you all for being there to vent to when i need it.
 

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