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Messages By: ibrn01

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December 31, 2006, 8:13 pm CST

Help

  I made the mistake of saying OK when my husband asked if my in-laws could stay with us for a month or two, until they could find a new place. That was six months ago. I felt I could not say no because they were being evicted from thier apartment since my father in law lost his job and was waiting to collect his Social Security. My mother in law is disabled and her disability is thier only source of income. They do not pay rent, only buy groceries now and then.

  My FIL is a combination of Archie Bunker's mouth, and Forrest Gump's intellect. He is loud, rude, and genrally obnoixus.  I have spent the last 12 years of our marriage trying to just keep my mouth shut, and take him only in small doses. Currently he is making my life and my 11 year old daughter's life hell.

  During the very first month they were here, my husband and FIL had a huge blow out. My daughter had come crying to us on several occasions saying he grandfather was calling her names. These names included, fat pig, "you can't eat that your already fat", "you wont fit thru the door  if you eat anymore". Needless to say she was devestated. He said he was joking, my hubby told him you don't make remarks like that joke or not. FIL told hubby he was not going to have to watch everything he said, and that she needed to tough in up.  After my hubby gave him hell, he seemed to have calmed down.

  He has laid off my daughter, some what,  and started on me. When we are not home, he calls me fat and lazy. He tells my kids that my hubby never should have married me. Both my 11 and 5 year old have told me of numerous occasions where he has slandered me.  My hubby works double shifts every once in a while, and my FIL takes full advantage when hubby is not home. He continually tells me what I am doing wrong, and generally runs my house. He does "favors" for me like throwing all my laundry in the washer (whites, colors, all together), and wonders why I ask him not to do my laundry. Recently I have found him eves dropping on my conversations.

  My hubby is aware, and wanted to wait until after the holidays to talk with them about when they plan to leave. I can understand my hubby avoiding talking with his father since everytime you say he is acting inapprioprately it becomes a huge arguement no matter how hard you try to sensative to his feelings as well. I am at my wits end. How do I ask my in laws to leave, knowing they have no where to go? I have not observed any effort on thier part to even look for an apartment. FIL had some idea he was going to buy a house!!!??? When my hubby told him he may need more than just my MIL income, he told my hubby that he knew what he was doing and did not need his advice. At this point I can not feel comfortable leaving my children with them, even for a short period.

   I have been ill for the past few months and am due to have surgery next month. I can not imagine trying to recoup here for six months with all this upset. We have turned our lives upside down for them. We turned our family room into the master bedroom downstairs so they could have our bedroom upstairs. Basically they have taken over the main level of my home, and I am exilled to my basement. If I go upstairs for a cup of coffee, he sits at the kitchen table staring at me. My daughter gets yelled at for coming from the bathroom to her her with a towel on. How much am I suppose to put up with? I have tried to ask, nicley, for the behavoirs to stop. He starts yelling, and that is the end of the conversation.

   Any words of advice would be appreciated. I feel like I would be a cruel person if I told him and my diabled MIL to leave. I have suggested my hubby tell them they have a month or two to find a place. Of course he avoids this conversation like the plague. I just can't live in a war zone anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent

 
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January 2, 2007, 7:08 pm CST

Thank you

Quote From: jaimie1974

Oh my goodness. This sounds dreadful! I was cringing while reading your post! You said yes, they could live with you while they were looking for another place of their own, because you were just trying to do the right thing. You had the hope that everything would work out fine, because after all, its only for a couple of months.but now theyve taken over your home.

You said that your husband avoids having the talk with his father about them finding their own place. Do you know why your husband avoids the topic? It would be helpful to know the reasons why, that way you can talk with him about it. Of course you dont want to put them out into the streets, and that isnt what you are trying to do- you simply want your life back. This has turned into a nightmare for you. If your husband doesnt speak up SOON, this will only get worse and worse. The best advice I can give you is this: read the book, Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It is full of valuable, real life suggestions and tips on how to create and enforce healthy boundaries with your in-laws. This book really changed my life, Im not exaggerating at all. There is basically a whole chapter all about your in-laws! I wish you the best.

The best advice I can give you is this: read the book, “Toxic In-Laws” by Susan Forward.

I ordered the book.

Thanks can't wait to read it.

 
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January 6, 2007, 6:50 pm CST

reversal of roles...inlaw moochers

  My FIL lost his job over 2 years ago. When his unemployment ran out he started taking money from his 401K. We tried to tell him to get a job, he only had 3 years until he could collect partial social security. He refused to take a job at Home Depot or something like that, it was "not good enough for him". He worked on a line in a factory. He would not take factory work because he was "tired" of it. Needless to say for 2 years he did not even look for a job. His 401 ran out. Then he told us he needed to stay with us for a "month or two", until he could save money for a new apartment. With reservations, I agreed.

  He made our live hell for the last six months. He did not pay a dime to live here. We were supporting him, my MIL, and our two children. He would turn the heat up to 75 to 80 in our house. We informed him that the $200 + gas bills were getting to be too much for us to pay, he still continued to do what he wanted. He would leave lists of what he wanted me to buy for groceries, and certain kinds of soap and laundry detergent that was the "only kind he could use".

  Not only did he demand what he wanted and expect us to pay for it, but he was verbally abusive to myself and my 11 year old daughter. We were both called fat and lazy on a daily basis. My grocery, electric, gas and cable bill doubled. When we asked that he atleast buy some of his own groceries he said "I am having a hard time right now". His hard time is sinking my family both finaincially and emotionally.  When his son came home from  the military  he had to buy his own food and pay rent.

  Should I have to support my inlaws? It is hard enough to support our family of four. My husband works 2  jobs, and I work full time. He has yet to look for a place to live. We gave him the numbers for the senior center, telling him they can help find low income housing. He refuses to do anything but sit on the couch and watch TV. My patience is at its end.

 
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January 6, 2007, 7:25 pm CST

Getting Along With Your In-Laws

Quote From: ricschic

YOU are not the cruel person here, even if you ask them to leave. THEY are. Particularly your FIL. It it PAST time for them to go. You are not responsible for supporting them. I'm all for helping out a family member, but my SO and I have a rule....you get a max of 3 months. That's long enough to find somewhere else to live. I don't care WHAT your income is. It might not be where you WANT to live, but at least you aren't mooching off of family, and causing discord and problems in their families' lives.

I can honestly tell you what I would do in your situation....I would talk to my hubby first, and discuss with him how things are to go. Then I would sit the in-laws down and TELL them that they've got TWO more months and that's it. NO MORE. If they start yelling and screaming about the issues, just calmly keep restating the fact that they've got two months, and then leave the room. Don't actively engage with them in the argument. They've been warned, now it's up to them to find somewhere else to live. End of subject. If they aren't out of their own volition after the two months, either get an eviction notice for them or put their stuff out on the lawn. And KEEP the doors locked, irregardless.  It sounds cruel, but you can't let this continue in your home in the name of "family". Your first responsibility is to your children and yourself. It almost comes down to making your hubby choose between you and his parents...but that's what they're *supposed* to do!!!! A husband's FIRST loyalty is to his wife. Move them out. It won't make you cruel....it will only be you putting back right in your life what has turned out so very wrong. You are being abused by this "man", and you don't have to accept that kind of behavior from him or anyone else. People who yell and scream in an attempt to get their way are abusive. He's attempting to intimidate you and your husband, and it sounds like it's working. It has so far, anyway.

Good luck. I soooo hope you're able to remove this monster of an inlaw from your home. Especially before your surgery.....

     Well hubby had the conversation with FIL. Told him he a month to a month and a half to find a place. He gave him numbers for the senior center so they could help him find income based housing. He told him if they were atleast on the waiting list for a place they could stay. Hubby alos told them that the eves dropping, and name callin had to stop. Of course FIL started yelling, hubby just said "look this is the way it is".  FIL told hubby how could you just kick us when were are down? Hubby said, I am trying to help you, if you do not call these numbers by tomorrow, I will call for you. Well, the next day the in laws moved 2 hours away to FIL's brother's house. The brother is menatlly diabled and can barely care for himself, he lives in a house that thier father left for him. It is beyond filthy, the windows are boarded up since David (the brother) thinks people spy on him. FIL told hubby that he would not come to our house agian, and that hubby has to bring the kids to Davids. Don't think that will happen. Just feel bad for my MIL, she loves her grandkids.  Hopefully hubby can pick her up and bring her here for the day or something. On the upside, my house has been happy for the last few days. My kids are happy. My 5 year old said he was glad grandpa was gone because now he doesn't have to hear him call Mommy the 'b" word. Thank you all for all your input. It was really very helpful.
 

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