Messages By: the_mil
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November 30, 2006, 9:37 am PST
 I'll start at the beginning by saying that I've got the reputation of being the controlling, butting in, unreasonable, demanding, needy mother-in-law. What I've done to deserve it, I don't really know. I've read a few of the other message boards and am appalled at the MIL stories. What I'm looking for is just advice on how to get along. I've tried everything – or almost everything. My husband is suffering too and I can't stand to watch it.
My daugther-in-law doesn't like me. I've known it for years. She says that's not true, but her behavior says otherwise. My son has a fiercely independent streak, has since childhood. His upbringing wasn't too difficult, no big problems from the parent's point of view. No drugs or alcohol – excellent grades. But he did strongly resent any place where his parents had to "control" him by being parents – such as curfews. That was the biggest bone of contention during his teenage years. But boy was it a big one. If I remember correctly, it was 10 p.m. on school nights and midnight on weekends. Midnight, by the way, was in violation of town law. The town had an 11 p.m. curfew law, so at midnight I was literally risking telling it to the judge. Even though he's 28, it seems that he's never gotten over it. So, he's the ring leader in my reputation.
The big trouble started when our grandson was born. He's 8 1/2 months old now. I can't win. I'm dealing with a first time mother who's naturally protective and defensive. Since I'm not her mother, I don't get the trust that her mother gets. I understand that. I was once in her spot. But gee. I can't say anything that isn't misconstrued.
Example: While she was pregnant, they bought a house. My son proudly showed me his new home. We walked to the backyard, which is beautiful, and I said, If you plant a tree over here, it would shade the swingset. I went on to tell about a particularly pretty tree we had at an old house. That was the end of the conversation. I've had skin cancer, and I've been told that my type was the direct result of exposure as a child, so I am particularly conscious of this issue. Guilty as charged. I'm forever offering people sunscreen. My son went straight in the house and told the DIL that I think they need a tree. Two months later when her mother visited (she lives out of town), her mother brought it up by saying, I hear you want a tree in the yard. What kind are they supposed to get?
Example 2: This was the only time I've ever spoken harshly to her and it looks like it will haunt me forever. I had the chance to babysit for about 2 hours – only because I asked. The baby was 3 months old. Within a few minutes of the DIL's arrival at home, I sat on the couch with the baby on my lap. He was facing me and we were "communicating". He kept staring at my hair so I tipped my head down and let him touch the top of my head. Her voice went up and with urgency in her voice she said, Don't let him do that. Tell him no. We're teaching him not to pull hair. I snapped back. I said, You think that's bad, just wait 'til I give him a wooden spoon and let him bang on my pots and pans. I also told the baby (as if a 3 month old can understand) that he could come to my house and do whatever he wanted. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt totally controlled. The result has been fighting over it repeatedly. I usually bring it up. I've been told that that was something she felt "very strongly" about. That I was disrespectful to her in her own home. I can't be trusted to follow her rules. What if it was a health issue. My son's advise - I should just promise to do everything I'm told. Good grief. Can this be blown any more out of proportion. This isn't a huge health related principal to fight over. It's a 3 month old who touched my head.
They took a week long vacation. Went on a cruise recently and imported her mother to babysit. The DIL said her mother got to babysit because she never gets to see him, and besides, she deserves it because her mother helps and makes the effort. Despite the fact that her mother lives so far away, money is no issue for her family, so there's never ending airplane tickets. There's been multiple trips and she's probably been with the baby at least 10 weeks of his little life. We've seen him about 2 hours a week on some weeks. We call it supervised visitation. They will let us visit, but we feel so nervous and uncomfortable we hardly enjoy it. My husband was so heartbroken that we weren't asked to babysit for vacation, he sobbed like a baby. He couldn't make it through the day at work without breaking down.
We had a family meeting last week. We were totally honest about our feelings. We said that we haven't been able to properly fall in love with the child. We feel sad and guilty. That were jealous of her family. That's hard to admit but true. Why deny it. Her mother gets a week at a crack of unbridled family love. We get a couple hours of chewing our nails to the quick. I said that we needed an emotionally safe environment. Their house isn't it. The result was that we could come pick him up on a Saturday and keep him for the day.
That's something but hardly a long term solution. Any ideas? I've offered my husband to keep my distance. Let him visit alone. But he's says it's no better when I'm not there.
One more example: The day the baby came home from the hospital, we stayed in the family room while she and her mother went to the living room to nurse the baby. After 2 hours listening to her and her mom in the next room chatting, we left. DIL has since said, we didn't have to leave – as if SHE was offended. After 2 hours, I thought the message was pretty clear.
I had an idea a couple of days ago. I set my son up with a profile on my Netflix account and asked him to pick out some movies. I'm looking for a way to fill the silence when we visit. I don't talk much any more when I'm there. My son has neither answered, nor ordered any movies.
Help us. Is it time for us to just fade into the woodwork? That may be the wisest thing to do. I don't see it as feasible to fight them in to treating us better. And we're tired of feeling like we're just tolerated. He is their baby and I'm not the type to do the grandparents rights battle. |
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November 30, 2006, 10:20 am PST
Quote From: mpowrddeb My son and I have been very close his whole life. His father was never there for either of us, so I was the one to take him to scouts, games and so forth. I divorced his father and married a great guy and we have been together for 9 years now and my son thinks of him as his father. My son was never one to date much or have alot of friends in school so his experience with women is limited. After he got out of high school, he met some people who he started hangin with and was then quite outgoing and was enjoying life, but still didn't have a girlfriend and was quite upset about that. Then......He met this girl who was 18 at the time, he was 23, and has completely taken over his life. She was thrust into our lives because my son and her stayed out too late one night and her parents ended up kicking her out of the house. So we took her in. She moved out in a couple of months, and then my son started staying with her and eventually moved in with her a few months later. It was really hard for me since we were so close....or so I thought. She lies to him and we've caught her in lies so many times and my son just doesn't see it. He quit seeing his friends, quit going to karaoke, and quit coming to our house only unless she was with him. They just got married recently and she has him doing the dishes, cleaning the house, laundry and whatever else she can think of while she sits on the couch. She also has no problem belittling him, telling him off and putting him down in front of the family, even on holidays. The other day, my husband and I went to their house around 11:30 a.m. and I guess they were taking a nap but my son got up and so we stayed and were talking to him. Then his wife came into the room and very rudely told us she wished we had of called because she wasn't even dressed. She started cleaning up the house and acted like we weren't even there. Finally we left and came home. When we got home a message was on the phone from my son to call him. I did and he told me that we should of called and I told him that I didn't realize family had to call to come see them because that is the way it's always been. I also told him that it's ok if she comes to our house without calling, but we can't. I know after we left their house the other day, she railed into him and told him he'd better call us and tell us to call first from now on. What's happened now, is my son and I aren't talking and I don't even feel it matters to him if we are in his life or not. I know he has his own life now, and I don't really get involved in it too much unless we are asked. We've gone into debt for them, we've moved them from place to place, and we just feel we are being used. My question is, were we wrong in not calling? Should this be such a big deal? Should i be the one to call my son? Or should I just wait and see if he even comes around or just wants us out of his life? Anyone who has gone thru this, any advice would be appreciated. I can't believe there's a second person in the world who can so closely tell my story verbatim. There's a few variations - but it eerily close. Although she wasn't his first girlfriend.
The biggest difference, after about 2 months of living with us, I asked her to leave for multiple reasons. Some of them were: 1. I didn't feel comfortable attending their honeymoon. 2. They needed to grow up, get their own place, and pay their own bills and see that there was more to an adult relationship than love. 3. What I was watching was an obviously unhealthy relationship that I called mutually dependent. I felt that I was propping up the relationship by doing the housework, etc, and taking all the pressure off of them that they should be growing through. I was no longer a bystander and observer in the success or failure of their relationship. I had become a factor and I didn't like it.
I didn't see her as wife material. I was honest with him about what I thought. I wanted him to do whatever he was going to do with his eyes wide open. However, he's a grown up and it's his decision. I suggested, multiple times, that he marry her.
After she left here, she went home to her parents - about 200 miles away. They tried to keep it together, but after about 4 months they broke up. He's since quit his job and followed her to the next city where he's unemployed and sleeping on a friend's floor. He blames me for the break up. Now, he's decided it's time for him to grow up and thinks the best way to do that is by pitching an air mattress with his kindergarten friend.
That was 2 weeks ago and we've communicated very little. I don't know if they're back together again or not. Right now, I don't want to know. It was me that asked for a 90 day cooling off period. We too feel used. Maybe because we were. It seems to me like we need time for our emotions to settle out before it gets worse.
Yours was an excellent letter for me to read. I've wondered what would have happened if I'd bucked up and let her stay. Now I know. Pretty much what I guessed. That wouldn't have turned out well either.
As a person who's a complete failure, are you sure you want advice from me? If so, here it is. The girls are a symptom, not the disease. Our sons still need our help. They're not complete people if they're willing to behave in such a desperate manner for an 18 year old girl. I can't help mine right now. He's 200 miles away. Yours is still there. Call him. Apologize. Tell him you'll call first before you visit. Be prepared for the day you call and they say it's not convenient. Treat them like grown ups and let the chips fall where they may. Only your son can choose his own fate. But in the end, if he needs you, he knows where to find you. I hope mine is off on a learning experience. I hope yours is too.
If you want to talk more, myemail73@gmail.com
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November 30, 2006, 10:27 am PST
I accidently posted this in empty nest blues - so I'm posting it again. If you read it twice, that's why.
I'll start at the beginning by saying that I've got the reputation of being the controlling, butting in, unreasonable, demanding, needy mother-in-law. What I've done to deserve it, I don't really know. I've read a few of the other message boards and am appalled at the MIL stories. What I'm looking for is just advice on how to get along. I've tried everything – or almost everything. My husband is suffering too and I can't stand to watch it.
My daugther-in-law doesn't like me. I've known it for years. She says that's not true, but her behavior says otherwise. My son has a fiercely independent streak, has since childhood. His upbringing wasn't too difficult, no big problems from the parent's point of view. No drugs or alcohol – excellent grades. But he did strongly resent any place where his parents had to "control" him by being parents – such as curfews. That was the biggest bone of contention during his teenage years. But boy was it a big one. If I remember correctly, it was 10 p.m. on school nights and midnight on weekends. Midnight, by the way, was in violation of town law. The town had an 11 p.m. curfew law, so at midnight I was literally risking telling it to the judge. Even though he's 28, it seems that he's never gotten over it. So, he's the ring leader in my reputation.
The big trouble started when our grandson was born. He's 8 1/2 months old now. I can't win. I'm dealing with a first time mother who's naturally protective and defensive. Since I'm not her mother, I don't get the trust that her mother gets. I understand that. I was once in her spot. But gee. I can't say anything that isn't misconstrued.
Example: While she was pregnant, they bought a house. My son proudly showed me his new home. We walked to the backyard, which is beautiful, and I said, If you plant a tree over here, it would shade the swingset. I went on to tell about a particularly pretty tree we had at an old house. That was the end of the conversation. I've had skin cancer, and I've been told that my type was the direct result of exposure as a child, so I am particularly conscious of this issue. Guilty as charged. I'm forever offering people sunscreen. My son went straight in the house and told the DIL that I think they need a tree. Two months later when her mother visited (she lives out of town), her mother brought it up by saying, I hear you want a tree in the yard. What kind are they supposed to get?
Example 2: This was the only time I've ever spoken harshly to her and it looks like it will haunt me forever. I had the chance to babysit for about 2 hours – only because I asked. The baby was 3 months old. Within a few minutes of the DIL's arrival at home, I sat on the couch with the baby on my lap. He was facing me and we were "communicating". He kept staring at my hair so I tipped my head down and let him touch the top of my head. Her voice went up and with urgency in her voice she said, Don't let him do that. Tell him no. We're teaching him not to pull hair. I snapped back. I said, You think that's bad, just wait 'til I give him a wooden spoon and let him bang on my pots and pans. I also told the baby (as if a 3 month old can understand) that he could come to my house and do whatever he wanted. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt totally controlled. The result has been fighting over it repeatedly. I usually bring it up. I've been told that that was something she felt "very strongly" about. That I was disrespectful to her in her own home. I can't be trusted to follow her rules. What if it was a health issue. My son's advise - I should just promise to do everything I'm told. Good grief. Can this be blown any more out of proportion. This isn't a huge health related principal to fight over. It's a 3 month old who touched my head.
They took a week long vacation. Went on a cruise recently and imported her mother to babysit. The DIL said her mother got to babysit because she never gets to see him, and besides, she deserves it because her mother helps and makes the effort. Despite the fact that her mother lives so far away, money is no issue for her family, so there's never ending airplane tickets. There's been multiple trips and she's probably been with the baby at least 10 weeks of his little life. We've seen him about 2 hours a week on some weeks. We call it supervised visitation. They will let us visit, but we feel so nervous and uncomfortable we hardly enjoy it. My husband was so heartbroken that we weren't asked to babysit for vacation, he sobbed like a baby. He couldn't make it through the day at work without breaking down.
We had a family meeting last week. We were totally honest about our feelings. We said that we haven't been able to properly fall in love with the child. We feel sad and guilty. That were jealous of her family. That's hard to admit but true. Why deny it. Her mother gets a week at a crack of unbridled family love. We get a couple hours of chewing our nails to the quick. I said that we needed an emotionally safe environment. Their house isn't it. The result was that we could come pick him up on a Saturday and keep him for the day.
That's something but hardly a long term solution. Any ideas? I've offered my husband to keep my distance. Let him visit alone. But he's says it's no better when I'm not there.
One more example: The day the baby came home from the hospital, we stayed in the family room while she and her mother went to the living room to nurse the baby. After 2 hours listening to her and her mom in the next room chatting, we left. DIL has since said, we didn't have to leave – as if SHE was offended. After 2 hours, I thought the message was pretty clear.
I had an idea a couple of days ago. I set my son up with a profile on my Netflix account and asked him to pick out some movies. I'm looking for a way to fill the silence when we visit. I don't talk much any more when I'm there. My son has neither answered, nor ordered any movies.
Help us. Is it time for us to just fade into the woodwork? That may be the wisest thing to do. I don't see it as feasible to fight them in to treating us better. And we're tired of feeling like we're just tolerated. He is their baby and I'm not the type to do the grandparents rights battle. |
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December 18, 2006, 3:01 pm PST
Quote From: norcalmama I'm torn right now between trying to recognize my ownership of this situation and feeling so hurt that it's difficult to find. I'd love some "objective" advice anyone could offer and especially some tools that I can use to actually help be the change I'd like to see.
I've been married for 5+ years and have been a part of my husband's family for nearly 10 years... I've never felt completely close to my MIL, but his grandparents and Dad have always been close and open to me - never making me feel like I have to be a certain way to be liked/loved by them. My husband's brother was previously married to someone the "family" didn't approve of. My MIL spent many years talking bad about her - tearing them down (my BIL and SIL) and building us up - it was uncomfortable, like we were the "golden couple" and they were dirt, but we just got used to it. Over the last two years they divorced, he had other girlfriends and now has re-married someone named Stacy.
I was excited about the possiblity of having a new SIL, never having a close relationship with the old one, I started out being happy that my niece & nephew would have a new, more-involved parent and my BIL would be happy, but things are not like that.
Stacy has never tried to get to know me. they same day we met, she asked me to be in her wedding.. what was I suppossed to say? I've given her a chance, but from the start it's been ALL about her, because of the wedding,etc. She used to talk about "wanting to have a close family and be a good aunt and be a part of our family,etc. etc." , but that was before the marriage. Now she's more about making herself look good to my in-laws, and unfortunately her childish ways are working & my in-laws have now started treating me different (mostly my MIL)....
I have been working for my MIL for several years now and she's firing me and hiring Stacy, with no good reason other than some lame excuses. My MIL usually complains about anyone else that works for her and says that no one can do the same job I do... not sure why that's suddenly different. I'm starting to notice that anything I tell Stacy (not even bad things) gets immediately mentioned to my MIL, and Stacy must put her "spin" on it to my MIL due to the reaction I get. Those two are so close - it's like Stacy can do no wrong. I don't see Stacy taking a responsible-parenting role with my niece & nephew, and yet my MIL thinks that every good thing the kids do (which is not much due to poor, un-involved parenting on my BIL's behalf) is because of her. My in-laws wear blinders to the reality of her, and the reason it hurts me most is because I'm sad that she instantly (in 3 months) has the relationship with my MIL that I've tried to have for years.
I have learned that my biggest mistake was probably telling Stacy that it's great that she and my MIL are so close & that I've never really felt that close to her. (okay, probably a dummy thing to do before I really knew her, but I'm a really honest person and just wanted to trust her as we were getting to know each other.) - unfortunately that honesty just gave Stacy the amo she needed to get even closer to my MIL. Stacy needs to grow-up and stop playing childish games and my in-laws need to grow-up and see her for what she is... but, I know that's something I don't have control over. I hate that the family has been changed so much by this one person!!!!
So is there jealousy present? you bet. Is it wrong? - not sure, because it comes from hurt...
so, if I'm jealous and angry and don't want to keep feeling this way every time the family gets together (which is often and christmas is quicly approaching)... how do I look at this situation or think about it differently so I don't keep feeling so hurt, angry & jealous? I don't want to keep feeling this way - it's really starting to affect my husband and I because I'm so down and feel like crap whenever we've visited them & he's close to his family.
sorry for the length of this - there was so much more I could have said, but am trying to keep it as short as possible... I appreciate anyone's helpful feedback . I'm so sorry that your MIL hurt you that way. Shame on her. I do feel for you. Been there.
My MIL seems to have some qualities in common with yours. 33 years married. I've been on the top of the heap with my MIL and I've been dog meat. It took me years to realize that my MIL wanted / encouraged her children to compete for her affections. Who'd been the nicest to her recently was the criteria. And there was only one winner at a time. She's 78 years old and a sad old woman. Everybody stopped competing.
Your new SIL - watch her close. Keep conversations to topics on par with the weather. That's forever. You don't need to learn this lesson twice.
Your MIL - she is what she is. You don't need to compete. What makes this woman so special. I say this with a great deal more maturity than I had when I thought mine was that special. You're more valuable than that. Try your best to treat her the way you always have. Since you care what she thinks, I'm sure you've been good to her. From today forward, be good to her because that's the kind of person you are and you feel better about yourself and enjoy making those around you happy. Don't go one step out of your way because you think you can win brownie points.
Also on your MIL - what kind of a person is she that she'd engage in talking behind the back. Your SIL ought to reconsider the basis of their newly found relationship. What your MIL does with her, she'll do to her. Your SIL and MIL deserve each other. Wish them well. Keep your nose clean.
The rest of the family - same advice. Treat them the same as you always have. They're your family now, too. Give them a chance to act that way. Don't let what you know about your MIL get in the way of that. They didn't do it.
What does your husband say about all this? Sounds like nobody dares to question her.
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December 18, 2006, 3:12 pm PST
Quote From: thenewkid Hello everyone,
I have just signed up with this site because not only do i love the Dr. Phil show, but also because i have a problem and i have nowhere else to go. Well, im 19 years old and im married to a wonderful man from Canada. I eloped to his parent's house (more specifically his mother's for his father is not in this world anymore) My parents and I worked through the whole eloping thing so no worries about that. But my mother-in-law...lets just say she's very two-sided. When i first got here i thought his mom was a very nice person, though i did have an inkling that something wasnt right. My husband and I can't move out of her house for rent in this city (Calgary) is very expensive so we have no where else to live while we go to college. Anyway, his mother would get mad at us for literarly no reason at all, or she would try to do things to start an argument between my husband and her. I have often questioned my husband about some of the many things she does to try to make him (and even myself) angry. He say's its been like this since he was little. So my husband and I, we try our best to stay away from her and make sure that we do everything right(or as best as we can) and stay out of her way. But my husband is getting his wisdom teeth pulled this wed. so we needed to tell her that my husband doesnt need rides to work for a few days (we don't have a car yet either) but, because she is so forgetful she completely forgot and i forgot to write it down and give it to her because i knew she was so forgetful; she gave my husband hell for it on the car ride to his work. (Sadly, i do not have the best memory) So even if it is my fault she gives him the full extent of her anger. So i talked to her trying to explain to her that its my fault and not his. But she would have none of it, im really starting to get sick of her manipulation, misguided anger, and her attempts at trying to make my husband's (and my own) life here miserable. I know we really shouldn't be living in her house and yes, we are working on it to get ourselves out, but with one person working it is difficult. (i cannot work, nor can i study yet. I do not have my permanent residence status here yet) So my question is, what do i do? The situation with his mom is not only hurting us personally but also hurting our relationship, any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. I know you hate to feel this way, but you are in her house. Behave as she's asked you to.
Stay out of her nutty relationship with her son. Don't ever apologize again for not reminding her of his dental appointment. That was his job to tell her. That was her job to remember it or write it down for herself. You're not the go between for them. If you're dragged in, drag yourself right back out.
Just remember that they are mother and son with a very long history. If they fight, they'll get over it. If you fight with her you two won't. Also, you don't want to spend a life time appeasing her and trying to patch up their problems. You'll only make your own set of problems trying. |
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December 18, 2006, 4:11 pm PST
Quote From: frugaliving This is long, and I posted in another area, but thought this may be a better area, so please forgive me if you have read this, but I beg you, please read every word, it is not exaggerated, it is only a small, small fraction of what is going on, but it is long enough, but I beg you to read this and see if there is any help in any way to help as this is such a dire situation.....
I have kept this in for so long trying to stay out and not cause more difficulty with my son and his newlywed wife's relationship, especially of late as their firstborn son and my darling grandson was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It started when we moved to TN and next door to a preacher and his wife who had a beautiful daughter and my quiet, handsome son and her grew closer and closer, they went to school together, but were never allowed to date --for my son was greatly involved in the church the pastor was at and helped the pastor run errands and go places and work on things at home UNTIL the pastor found out how much my son and his daughter cared for one another. He told her "it is like dating a black man" because we were from the north (what a horrid thing to say anyway, how racist!) and forbid them from seeing one another. Finally he and his wife agreed they could drive back and forth to school and church together but nothing more unless they came to their house, which was fine --but then they had people FOLLOWING them, hiding in their cars in corn fields and the drive was only 13 minutes! They tormented these kids with unreasonable control and they were BOTH very good students, never in any trouble, never raised a lick of trouble with anyone at anytime, yet they were constantly berated. If they heard my husband get up to go to work early in the morning (4 a.m.) they would tell her that my son had just gotten home from a night out late (he would have been in bed since 10 p.m.), if he was pumping gas at a gas station and someone saw a girl pumping gas next to him, they would say he was at the gas station flirting with the girl (he was too shy and wouldn't have even TALKED to a girl!), they said he was on drugs, when we went in for heart problems he was having (we even slammed down a drug test that he got a copy of from the doctor which the dr. said they did just to be sure since he was a teen). They rifled through her purse each night, through her dresser drawers, her car, everything and would call me day and night asking me if my sons intentions were good. They would call me at work constantly. Of course through the stress, the kids broke up twice, the last when their daughter said she was going to social services due to her father slapping her and bruising her face - her father called me over as a "witness" and told me that if she did not say she was lying and go to a Christian counselor that was a friend of theirs that they were calling foster care to come pick her up right then and there. I told them I refused to be a part of it, that they should consider theirselves blessed to have such a responsible, kind daughter (she worked, and was even taking college courses besides high school and was graduating early!). We left shortly after for a trip planned to Florida and my son brought her a dozen roses before going to visit my brother. When we got back her mother called and said she had clothes of my son's and should she bring them over, I thought she just meant it to be nice, that he had left a jacket and stuff there and I offered to walk over and get them, but then she said, "Oh and if you would, please bring my daughter's class ring your son has"...he wore it around his neck...She was breaking up with my son for her daughter --the daughter was not allowed to speak to my son and yet he had no idea why or what happened and was crushed. Three months later he gets a letter from the daughter, she said she was going off to college and wanted to say goodbye, and IF he wanted to call her, she would speak with him now. Of course he called and the smile on his face while I sat there told me how much he loved her regardless of how horrible this PASTOR and his wife were treating him...they met and though had promised one another to marry and not have sexual relations until then (they were both very firm on this), but things changed when she found some numbers when SHE rifled through his things and thought it was from girls (they were ALL for truck parts he was looking for), then a girl did call him that liked him and heard he was broke up with his girlfriend for a while and wanted to just talk, but she grabbed the phone and started yelling at this girl that didn't mean anything terrible and didn't know they were back together and would call this girl three more time telling her to stay away from my son, it had infuriated her though the girl meant nothing to him and he didn't even talk to the girl, she did, she went into a jealous rage and went through everything he owned and called every number she found again, I know as people kept calling me back asking who was calling from our number asking if they knew my son, etc. Well, within 2 weeks she was pregnant, she was determined to be sure no one else "got" him, she was determined to get out of her miserable home and she had begged him previously over and over to "pretend" she was pregnant so that her parents would let her leave home but he refused, she would run away to our house and refuse to go home, but we and he would convince her that we had to do things properly or as they told us, her parents would be calling the police to come get her and take her away to foster care. I guess our son was so very happy to have her in his life again that he went against his desire to wait until they were married and his plans to finish school, work until he had a good savings was quickly changed. The parents reluctantly agreed that they could marry, although the father said they were doomed and would divorce. My son was not finished with college and we wanted him to be able to finish his education, so we allowed her to move in with us when they married, we paid for everything, food, gas, etc. and her parents never did anything but would now and then make a dish of food for the two of them, but not caring how much the hardship of feeding another was on us when we also were raising our own children and a grandson. When our darling grandson was born, her mother packed a bag and came and invited herself to stay in the kids room --imagine, them sleeping there with mom on the couch (their living quarters was our lower level walk-out and there was no bedroom, just an open room with bed and couch, etc.) She didn't leave for three days and called at least 15 times a day! She and the daughter did all they could to barely allow me time to see my grandson and basically left my son out of everything, pushing us all away. We were trying to sell our home before this and finally had gone so broke helping everyone and keeping the house much longer than we intended that we had absolutely no choice but to have to file bankrupcy and were ridiculed further by her parents even though they had waited 8 months to help with anything at this point (we had moved and invited them to come until their house was done being built, but her parents told her it would be better to be at the house while it was up for sale and we agreed to pay $800 in mortgage and insurance for the seven months while her parents agree to finally pay $200 in utilities for them (the kids were going through a housing program but the contractors were at least 6 months behind schedule building their house so we had to pay much longer on two houses than we anticipated), We also agreed as our darling grandson was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a terminal illness and we did not want to create more stress on them with worrying about a move....but can you imagine how my son and the daughter must feel --they have been told their relationship is doomed, they do not belong together, God will tend to them and now they are told their first child has a 50/50 chance of surviving to 2 years old...as we do, they feel like their parents prayed so much for their failure and that God intercede, that now their poor little boy has to suffer for their constant desire that they kids divide. NOW! NOW! NOW! -- the kids were looking for a little place as the house has to go back in a few weeks, and because of our grandson's health, we thought they would find a home close to a hospital (they are 45 min from hospital and their hospital is 2 hours where he has care), we thought they would get a home closer to my son's work as he drives 45 minutes to work on windy mountain roads and has to work on their house each day, driving home tired and exhausted daily, but NOOOOO, her parents FOUND her a extremly old trailer (her father had told them when they entered into the housing program that they "had no right to own a new home, that they needed to live in an old trailer like me and my wife did until you learn the meaning of money", this trailer is in a very drug infested area with thieves crawling around all hours of day and night and it is now FURTHER than they were before from the hospital and his work on another longer windy road. My son just doesn't know what to do anymore, he is TERRIFIED that he will lose any right to see his son if he leaves and he really loves his wife and he would be crushed to lose his son who God may chose to take at any time, but his wife has now changed and refuses to listen to him but her family (whom she rebelled against for years until they married, which confuses my son as now she has turned on him, like she can't be loyal to both??), she tells him she will leave with his son and he will never see him again knowing we do not have any more money after using all our savings until bankruptcy to help them and our other son and she knows he cannot afford to pay, and she has threatened to take their son and get child support and more due to his disability --and we all know that she would probably get ALL she wants as her family is nearly the whole town and know all the attorneys and judges or are related to them. I have to go see them today and I don't know what to do or what to say I am so hurt for my son and for my daughter-in-law who doesn't see how she is being manipulated. Her mom is taking nursing for medical coding and yet has convinced her that if she lives closer than she can "save" our grandson should he have a breathing attack like he did before that put him in the hospital --but she has NO experience, nothing to help him, but my daughter-in-law is convinced that it is better to live by them than by the hospital. During all this time, my daughter-in-law rarely allows me to see my grandson...when he was in the hospital for 5 weeks, she would let her mother stay overnight with him while her and my son went out to eat and stayed at a local hotel to spend time together, but I asked and asked if I could and even one day was told I could by my son, so I packed up my stuff and the morning I was to leave I called to let them know I was coming and her mother answered the telephone and told me that SHE had stayed the night before so I wouldn't be needed....it broke my heart, I knew that as soon as my son must have mentioned my coming, she had arranged for her mother to "visit" and then he said she suggested they go that night instead "since her mom was there" but I didn't say anything as I don't want them to have more stress with all the stress they have now. The manipulation is so apparent in all they do but they act like no one can see it or is aware of it, they just smile very, very snidely, it isn't a smile of a caring Christian man and his wife, it is one of mean cruelty and it is intended that way as if to say, "we warned you, if he stays with her we will make you all miserable each day" as this is what they have said in so many ways. My son doesn't dare stand up for himself or his family for fear of losing his wife and baby, but he is breaking apart...if he is 5 minutes late from when she thinks he should be home, she yells at him and breaks things - so far she has broken a double pane window at my house, and a glass door (hasn't replaced it), three telephones and two computers as she doesn't want him on the computer (he gets about an extra paycheck each month selling motorcycle and car accessories on ebay). She won't clean, won't cook. He is NOT allowed to come see his family for we are all heathens --my husband and I and our son are Christians and very involved in our church and are honestly as good of people as we can be, her parents and family still call her if they see him talking to anyone or standing next to a girl at a line in the store and even while she was in the hospital with our grandson their members of the congregation who were involved in the years of following them previously would call and tell her that he had people in his car with him! On top of it all, she rifles through the car each time he comes home and even when he would get to the hospital for who knows what, thinking he was being unfaithful, untruthful, anything. Her family has her convinced he is up to something and yet he would never do anything to her, he loves her so much, she went out with someone else three different times when they were going out and he forgave her, but he NEVER would think of that, he has had talks with me about this and how he could never do that to her. They had her so convinced while the poor girl sat in the hospital for weeks and weeks, that she when she threw accusations at him she even fabricated that "a girl called here and asked for you and when I asked who it was she hung up!" and tormented him about it until he asked her what type of person would call him at the hospital when his child was so ill, that there was NO ONE, he isn't allowed to talk to anyone, and he asked me about it and I told him that I could not imagine who would call other than a relative of his and why would they hang up, they aren't like that! So, we are convinced it was either someone in her family doing it to make her believe all the other things they had said, giving credence to it, or she made it up herself, as there is absolutely no way he knows any girl or is involved in any girl - where would he even get time, he had to get up and leave the hospital at 6:00 a.m. to get to work, he works as a Honda 4-wheeler and motorcyle mechanic and does not see a soul as he puts the stuff together and doesn't relate to customers, he gets done at 5:00 p.m. and goes straight back to the hospital a 2 hour drive. The nights he would go home to check on our house, he would stop and get his friend that they both know and went to school with and they just go back to the house or go work on their house, but he is with him and he loves my son's wife like a sister and would never approve of any shenanigans! And now, instead of making their life easier by allowing them to move closer to the city he works in and the hospital is at, they have convinced her it is better to stay with them. She has an older sister, beautiful, sweetest girl you ever saw, and she wanted so bad to go to college, but they convinced her that boys would hurt her and rape her because of her beauty that she was so terrified she won't leave home alone very rarely unless she is with her mother, dad, sister or husband...her husband?? Yes, her husband is her cousin, and THAT is what they planned for my son's wife, too, they marry family as the old southern tradition once was and they are determined to ruin my son's marriage, but are convincing my daughter-in-law that it is because of HIM, because he has withdrawn from spending time with her parents (they called him horrid names and have berated him and lied about him for so long anyone would be apprehensive about trusting them again), because he is so quiet they say he is "up to something", even though their other daughter is as quiet and sweet as my son. We don't know what to do, we want to scream! I cry, I pray, for years I have prayed for God's goodness to bless them, I never pushed them into or out of their relationship, but said that if it was God's will he would allow it, but I never interferred, just supported the decisions they made as they are adults and I cannot tell someone else who to love. We did tell our son that it would be a tough road considering what he had already been through once they got married, but he felt he was up to it, but I see him "disolving", his self esteem is non-existant, he is not trusted, and he is not allowed to make the decisions regarding his son's care, her parents even went to the DOCTOR appointments at the hospital with the specialist and then she would tell him AFTER the appointment that the doctors had met with them. When my grandson was first being tested, I took what the kids said the doctors were concerned about as symptoms and the tests needed to be run and I entered them into the internet on a search and it came up with various muscular diseases, all with dibilitating effects, I wanted to prepare myself the best I could so I could be strong for them if it was one of these illnesses --when I walked into the hospital the next day, her family had all been there for two days and I was not allowed to be called, my son's wife said they were calling me, but of course no one did and I found out only when I went to my son's work and they said he wasn't there he had run out the door after getting a call from his wife and was at the Knoxville hospital where his son had been for two days! Well, they just looked at me like I was an intruder, her father walked past me and wouldn't acknowledge me and her mother and grandmother and grandfather looked as if they were crying and I asked what was happening...."The doctors think he has something called SMA", I fell to a chair as my brain recalled all I had read the night before on it and I started sobbing and said, "ohhhh, I was so afraid of that, I have been praying it was not that!" and they all looked at me meanly and harshly said almost in unison, "YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?" as it is a disease created when the mother holds the gene and the father and together when they have a child the child can get a mutated gene that causes the symptoms of the disease. "Of course not, I was reading about the tests the doctors had ordered and the symptoms and that was one of the things that kept coming up in the search", "HAS SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY HAD THIS, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS" they yelled at me accusingly --I had never heard of the disease ever before, I didn't know it even existed and even though it was a disease that was born from both the mom and the dad, it was as if they were placing some sort of blame on my son, my family for creating this illness and again as with their distrusting nature, they were ready to blame someone for hiding it and it was me. I was crushed, I didn't know what to say as it seemed it didn't matter, it just sounded like I was lying and trying to get myself out of it. Now they have treated my son as if he is the reason for all this and if he isn't home right after work she tells him he doesn't LOVE his son, if he wants to stop and see a friend, then he doesn't LOVE his son, and being the quiet natured man my son is, he vents different from her, he needs some time to think, to go off by himself, he has always been this way, and then when his thoughts are gathered he will talk, but he needs time, he needs to go work on a car, go see a friend and let life seem "normal" for a few moments, he wants to see his family -but we are forbidden unless she is with and she will not come and she says their son shouldn't be out, and yet he goes over to her mothers 4-5 times or more a week, she lets them babysit and I am not allowed at all, not even for an hour, she takes him shopping, church, but he is always "too sick" to come see us.
This is slowly destroying us all...I have had to go get short term anxiety medication and am on acid reflux meds, this is effecting me physically and emotionally, so I can only imagine how my son is dealing with it and I am not wanting to say anything to cause any more problems my son has asked as he is so afraid of losing his son and his wife, and even if we could talk to her parents, they won't talk to us, we are heathens, we are something they wipe off their feet --and not to sound awful here as I don't feel that one person is ANY better than another unless you chose to be a rotten person, but here we make three times their income, we come from weathly families, we are are hard workers and faithful people, we paid out of our pockets to put our son through school, to support their daughter, raise our grandson without any help until we had nothing left (which we would do again, it was our decision, we helped further than we could afford and that was our fault), and yet they look down there noses as they live in a 30 year old mobile home and STEAL from their church by saying they don't have money and yet I worked for an attorney and know that they have money in land they could sell rather then keep telling the church members that they are barren in funds while they go on week long houseboat vacations, spend many weekends throughout the year in resorts in the Rocky Mtns and Gatlinburg, all on their church (the church has bought them new cars, built a deck on their home, pay for all their groceries each week and so on)....their daughter now has turned and is treating my son the very same way that she was treated by them, she is distrusting of him, makes him ashamed of living, keeps him from his son saying he can't take care of him properly, doesn't allow him to be involved in many decisions and is seemingly getting ready to set him up to leave when their house is completed, because I truly do not believe her parents will ever allow her to leave their area, but they convince her of everything with a way that makes her think it was HER decision and she truly thinks that she is in charge and yet it is their words, their actions that come through her and though she has been taught that the man is the man of the house, she doesn't even include him in any decisions but makes them and tells him take it or leave it and holds that darling, little, precious baby in front of him and he breaks...piece by piece...there is going to be nothing left of him and I am even more afraid that one day he is going to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and leave and they will lie, do anything to keep that little boy from him and I am so terrified that if this type I SMA follows the course they say, time is so very precious and limited right now and my son would die inside if he wasn't able to be with him every moment he could....Please, someone, I need help as this is sooo bad, so sad, and this beautiful girl who was so happy to marry my son is now turning into her parents and can't see it and they are quietly manipulating all the situations, placing seeds of doubt into her constantly, making her feel guilty for marrying my son for now "she and him have brought suffering to the little boy" because they went against God's will and married one another and they are being punished for it.....I feel helpless to help my son, I can't even call him as she won't let him answer the phone unless she happens to be in the shower, and if I ask if he is there she just says, "yes" and makes me nearly beg to talk to him and then I can only talk quickly or he gets yelled at as she thinks we are talking about HER and I am just asking how they are and how his day was, etc. She takes the phone off the hook and once for THREE days when they returned from the hospital she did it and I thought maybe my grandson was back in the hospital, but she broke the phone when she got mad and wouldn't get another. She has had the satellite turned off so they have no television as it won't come in where they are with an antenna as HER family raised HER without it, she broke the computers so he couldn't use them (and I think part of that was that I was able to say hi through email and she didn't care for that, though I am ALWAYS nice and don't say anything negative about the situation), if his friends come over -again, people that USED to be friends of hers to, she yells at him right in front of them and when they leave she says he doesn't love his son because he would rather spend time with them than her, we are not included in the holidays unless we come to them and she will try to not tell him we are coming and we have often gotten there and they are gone, at Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays, etc. she will not allow him to buy us anything but a card, but she spends a fortune on her own family and I have seen how bad he has felt, at Mother's Day this past year she bought a very expensive bamboo plant and told me it was for her mom for Mother's Day, and then later when I came to talk to them about dinner I saw it was gone and I asked if she brought it over and that I bet her mom loved it and she said she had, my son got real red in the face and looked at her real funny, I didn't know what it was about, but just went up and finished dinner. After dinner my son brought me a card and it was then I realized it, he wasn't allowed to purchase me a gift, only a card and he felt bad that she actually told me that she got her mom something, at Christmas last year it was the same, she told me she was sorry they couldn't afford to get us a gift and I told her that was fine, they were just married and things were hard, but then went over to her parents with bags of gifts and I know my son felt terrible, but what can he do? Though he makes the paycheck, he works so very, very hard and yet can't even buy his parents or brothers any gifts....it is never ending torture for everyone, except her parents who sugarily smile snidely and act like they aren't doing a thing. One of the saddest things is that even if her and my son do not make it in this marriage, this poor girl is never going to be able to have a normal relationship because she has been taught to distrust everyone and the only way to have a life is to control every part of everyone in it, her and I used to be so close while they were "dating", she wrote me wonderful letters and cards, would buy me little gifts of thanks for always being there for her, and now she ignores me or is flat-out rude and I haven't done anything different, nothing, I cooked for her, cleaned for her, bought her what she needed, without asking for anything as I was blessed to be able to help...Please, please help...somedays I just don't even want to be on this earth so I don't have to feel this pain for my son and my grandson --and even for my daughter-in-law and I am so afraid he will do something reckless --he went to some caverns with his wife and friends and my other son and my other son called me so upset, he said that my son had been walking right up to the very edge of the endless drops, he was climbing in places that were dangerous and my oldest said he was terrified and that he could see his brother seemed to be being reckless beyond any reason almost like he just didn't care what the final result would be as both were killing him.....and being my son is so quiet and is so good in the heart and a sensitive soul, I don't know how much more he can take....please, please I beg someone help me through this, tell me how I can help them without being controlling and manipulative as her parents and she is being, please. As a fellow yankee, I'd have a few choice words for them. But by the time I'd said it, I'd have convinced them they were right about me. For sure, Northerners are different and it would take every ounce of self control for me to not show them exactly how. Whatever. Who can stand holy rollers that use their religion to hurt others or put themselves above others. And what kind of a sick parent would tell their child that God is punishing them.
Try being angry instead of hurt. It's less painful. And anger is justified. But keep your anger quiet to yourself.
I guess you only have 2 choices. 1) Quietly support your son when you can. Encourage him to pour his pain on you. He needs a dumping ground. 2) Beg. Maybe both.
By the way, God won't mind if you're manipulative. Just don't hurt the marriage. What God has joined together...... Evidently, the Pastor has forgotten that. |
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