Messages By: dlynne14

I was raised to work hard, and earn what I want in life. My husband and I raised our children to do the same. However, my 28 year old daughter has married a man who is 37 and his mother still completely supports him.  She bought him a house, a car, furniture, several big boy toys, and I could go on and on.  NO he does not work.  He has been with my daughter for 3 years and has not earned a dime.  He went to school to become a machanic, and graduated 3 months ago.   His mother paid for that as well.  He has yet to find a job.  Talk about spoiled and entitled.  If I say a word to my daughter about his work ethic, she will never talk to me again, and keep me from seeing my granddaughter.  Sad. Oh yes, my daugther works full time, and does pretty much everything around the house as well.  He does play well with my granddaughter.  NO he is not her biological father, but she calls him daddy.  How do I deal with this situation without anlienating my daugher????

 Yup, you are right, keep my mouth shut and stay out of it, and this is what we have tried to do over the last 3 years.  I warned her initially that his behavior and patterns in life were not conducive to someone with a strong work ethic and integrity. However, by all indications and what other's say about those who do what he is doing  this man/child that is my daughters husband, has some serious problems. 

I will do as you have suggested, and love my daughter and granddaughter, be here for her if her world falls apart, but it sure is hard to have any respect for a man who does not support himself.

I try not to judge people, however, those who have integrity and a hard work ethic, don't mooch off of others. This person has neither of this characteristics, and I believe it will trickle down into how he treats my daughter and granddaughter.  That scares me.

Boy do I know one of those.  I have a son in law who has been mooching off his mother all his life.  He works periodically, more for a hobby, than to support himself.  My daughter has been with him for almost 3 years and he has not worked a single day.  He talked his mother into paying for mechanic school, which took 1 1/2 years to complete. He has been out since August , graduating top of his class, and still does not have a job.  According to him, the only job he could find was changing oil at Jiffy lube.  Not only did she pay for school, but she bought him a house to live in, and pays all his bills, including buying him a new car, along with several expensive toys.  He will "buy" expensive gifts for my daughter and she will tell everyone they are from him, when we all know that he did not pay for them.  The worst part is that I have a granddaughter who is not his biologically, but she calls him daddy.  He hangs out at home all day while my daughter goes to work and takes care of her daughter and the house. 

It is hard to have any respect for a 37 year old man who has done this all his life.  It is even harder to watch my daughter live with this man, and make excuses for him.  He comes off as being very clean cut, and mild mannored, but I feel like he is a time bomb waiting to go off.

Not my life, right?

Why do women and men, stay in relationships that are so demeaning and debilitating???  Life is too short!!  I understand staying and trying to work out a problem.  I have been married for almost 22 years.  We have gone through many trails and tribulations. However, to continually put up with the same old issues, and live in a relationship that is lifeless( common goals, common interests, ability to allow each other space and their own identify) and loveless ( real love, i.e., respectful, honorable and equal), shows a complete lack of self esteem and self worth.  Loving someone does not constitute a reason to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy.

I say, get out and work on yourself!  It is not a bad thing to be alone and take care of ones self, instead of staying in a rotten,  hurtful, unfulfilled relationship!

Well, it finally happened.  After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself.  He pushed  my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly.  My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him.  We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc..  She believes him, rather than all her family and friends.  How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. 

We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter.  Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him?

What to do, what to say?  We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says.  We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade.  We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him.

To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!"  Do not become a "jelly woman" for love. 

DR. Phil,

I realize your job is to counsel couples to help them save their marriages, but come on!!  I think this is what drives me crazy about your show. 

Most of the people who come to your show are in marriages that are beyond saving.  You provide all this professional help so that you can drag it all out for ratings. I am not against the need for the help you offer, but really, offer it to the woman ( or man) to end the marriage not stay in the marriage.  I don't care if the divorce rate is what it is, most of these couples should never have married in the first place. Love does not conquer all, Love alone does not constitute a reason to stay in an unhealthy marriage.  What is your success rate anyway?  Out of all the married couples you have counseled over the years, how many have actually stayed married successfully??

 This is a perfect example.   This guy, Jeffrey, is a lunatic!!!  Jennifer needs to get out and she should have gotten out years ago!!!  She has been beaten down so low, she is a poster child for abused women.  She may not have a bruise on her body, but the abuse she has dealt with is almost worse in some ways. 

I hope and pray that Jennifer will find her way out of this marriage and get the help she needs so that she sees that her love is worth so much more than what this man could ever afford.  She is worth more and it is time she show this to her children.  She is giving them the wrong message by staying in a marriage that is dead.  I hope this episode ends with Jennifer coming on your stage with the self esteem she needs to provide for herself and her children.  Only then will she attract a man that is worthy of her love.

I am surprised at all the mothers who think this mother is out of line. 

There are obviously things that were said out of anger and frustration that were wrong, however, we as parents do have rights.  Just because our children become adults, this does not mean that we are completely removed from their decision making.  Especially when we see things that are just plain NOT RIGHT.

From day one, from the fist phone call or email exchanged between the mother and the future bride, for this young man to sit there and allow his future wife to speak to his mother in the manner that she did FOR ANY REASON, is just plain wrong. He should have made it clear to his bride to be that he would not stand for that.  If he had done this, I bet this mother would not have felt so threatened and rejected. 

I feel strongly, because of personal experience, that when a young adult decides to marry someone, and that someone creates dissent and opposition within a family that prior to their entrance there were strong healthy relationships, something is terrible wrong.  It is easy to say, let him go do what he wants, he is an adult, however, I think this young man needs to look at what his future wife is creating within his family.

Anyone who came into my life HAD to get along with my family or they were not right for me.  I knew that my family had only my best interest at heart and if my entire family saw that this person was not good for me, or had changed me in a negative way, then I would want to know that.  LOVE IS BLIND.  A partner in life is not suppose to change someone for the worst, they are suppose to enhance them and become a loving part of a new family. 

Dr, Phil was right that this young lady needs to really look at what the future hold for her, and more importantly what could happen if her husband does not have a relationship with his family.  She is being immature and irrational to advise him to turn his back on his family.  His mother is not a bad mother, she is a hurt mother.  The mother was absolutely right in saying that her son should have come to her and said, "Mom, I love you and I want to work this out so that you can be a part of my life."  That would have been the manly thing to do.  This does not mean that he can't marry the woman he loves, but it is his place to make sure that the two of them understand each other. 

Somet times it is hard for parents to let their children go.  This woman is obvously having a hard time with this wedding, but I do not believe it is becasue she wants control, I think she sees things that don't sit right with her, and she loves her son enough to say what she sees and feels. 

Her son will do what he wants, but he should be more considerate of his mother's feelnigs.