Message Boards

Messages By: maria3255

User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
worried
December 11, 2006, 2:21 am CST

Am I afraid to age

Quote From: samuelson2005

If you have been depressed all of your life then no amount of vitamins or a fountain of youth is going to make you feel better.  You say that you are homeless in Dayton at the YWCA.  They have many resources available to you to get the help you need, (case management, individual and group counseling, educational support, goal planning, referals, etc.)  In order for you to begin to heal you need to start with the inside.  You still have many good years left but you have to want to make a difference in your life. 

 

I speak from experience.  I do understand the hardships of life and I have lived them most of my 43 years.  And unfortunately my children lived them with me.  But I refused to give up.  You have to do it for no one else but you.  And if your BF dumped you for the reason you say he did then he is not a nice person and does not love you unconditionally.  Therefore, he did you a favor and hopefully down the road you will see that you deserve better.  You are living with a group of women that are in the same situation as yours, and some possibly worse.  You need to embrace them and their friendship.  They are your most valuable asset right now.  There is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for help.  Please do something wonderful for YOURSELF.......reach out, it could save your life.

 

Your sister in spirit,

Tammy

I am afraid to age only because ageing means the end of the road, death. I was a very dedicated Christian and the thought of going to hell after death terrified me. I know that everyone has their own religious beliefs but i believed that Christianity is the only way to God. Now that I'm 55 and have a few physical chronic ailments death is staring at me right in the face. I dont mean that ageing is bad, because I am enjoying my middle age because of my Grandchildren and my girls growing wiser and wiser. It's the thought of dying. What if there is no Eternal Life to come, or Paradise where we can rest our souls beside the still waters. I guess my faith is not as strong as it used to be and I don't know why. I have suffered from clinical depression for years, maybe that had something to do to erode my faith. Maybe I was always a weak believer and now that I'm coming to the twilight years i have enormous worry about it.  I just hope that I wont go to hell.

 

Loredana   

 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
quiet
January 7, 2007, 5:07 am CST

Hi Angelina2005

Quote From: angelina2005

Hi everyone!  I'm a 31 year old mother of a 15 month old son.  He is my first, and the way I'm thinking....he'll be my last.  I never wanted kids, but after finding out I was pregnant I was getting used to the idea.  Well, sheesh.  I never anticipated these absurd feelings.  I was diagnosed with PPD 4 weeks after my son was born.  My doctor prescribed Effexor, and I was bumped up to 225mg/day.  That's a HIGH dose, or so I think.  I made the mistake of quitting the pill cold turkey because I was thinking of the ramifications of addiction and such.  BAD IDEA!!!  I had terrible thoughts of suicide, but mostly running away and leaving my family behind.  I still have thoughts of this and wonder what the heck.  My family doctor sent me to a Psychiatrist, and you know what he told me?  To get a job.  All I needed was to get a job.  I'm not a stay at home type person, previously working at least 40 hours a week pre-conception.  I had a difficult pregnancy (miscarried my son's twin), placental abruption, bedrest, the whole nine yards.  Then my water broke on a Sunday, I had the pitocen injection 48 hours, and after all of that, my son came via c-section.  After bringing him home, I had major anxiety attacks and couldn't breathe.  I just couldn't deal.  I still find myself hating my life and wishing things were different.  I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I have these awful feelings still.  I'm cranky most of the time, and I honestly don't know how my fiance can handle me.  I don't know what to do.  Heck he's 15 months now.  I am off the pills because the benefits ran out when my fiance quit his job.  He's working again, but has another month before we get the medical benefits.  I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.  Why do I feel trapped and resentful all the time?  I know I don't have alot of "me" time.  I have lost my friends because I couldn't deal with everything, and I have no interest in doing anything.  My mom has been amazing, and has sleepovers with my boy so I can have a night off to re-energize.  It does help, but it's a band-aid really.  I need to fix my head.  Oh brother.  I could talk for hours about this.  I've actually admitted to some folks that I hate being a mother.  This isn't entirely true, and they don't believe it either.  I often feel guilty towards my son with the thoughts that I have.  I'm very hard on myself, and expect myself to be the perfect mom...my idea.....the mother who has patience galore, takes her kids everywhere, plays with them, reads to them, and loves every minute.  Talk about a feel-good movie I'd like to see myself in.  My mother in law said it's perfectly normal to get upset and frustrated.  I have a very busy toddler, and he is extremely high energy.  Oh brother.  I just don't know what to do.
Dear Angelina, I too suffered PPD a month after my baby girl was born. I am now 55 and my Little girl is 26 and has two children now. I had another one 16 months after her which added to my depression.  At the time my PPD was not diagnosed,  but I had a breakdown,  I wept all the time, hated my daughter's intrusion into my life. I even heard a voice one day telling me to pick up the kitchen knife and kill her.  Thank God i didn't follow the prompting of the Voice inside my head.  When that happened i felt so much shame and i felt like a murderer. I was too ashamed and scared to tell the doctor what had happened as i didn't want him to think i was crazy, but at the same time i knew i needed help.  The doctors i went to see thought i was a whining young mum(I'm writing from Australia).  They would look the other way when i walked in. I shared the voice bit with my local baptist pastor at the time and he said the voice was from the devil and not to worry about it.  My Mum has passed away some time before, and my mother in law was busy looking after her other grandchild, a boy, who had come into the world before my daughter. I think in her eyes he was more important.  I was Lucky that i had good friends around me at the time or else i dont know what i would have done.  I stumbled through, doing the best i could, trying to be a good role model for my girls.  Their father never really had much time with them, even though he loved them i'm sure. Four years later i began to experience horrendous night terrors, a feeling inside where i was in a deep dark hole and i could not get out of it. It was scary because i never felt like that before and i was not suppose to feel like that because i was a Christian person and Christians that i knew taught that depression was a sin.  They even told me not to go to a psychiatrist because they were from the devil. I had been a fairly religious person at this stage, never cussed drank or smoked. Was always in church, helping out etc. and going every Sunday.  I did this for 13years and until all these feelings came and suffered deeply also because of the judgement i received from these same christrians.  Everyone told me i was sinning, thats why i felt and was experiencing these sufferings. I had to overcome they said.  Well i got to the stage where i said to myself that i had had enough, and i took my first real cigarette then.  I smoked quite a bit after that.  I finally did see a psychiatrist, in which i was with him for 16 years in therapy.  I was on 80mg of prozac for a long long time, but at the end there i was going under again, i couldnt cope at all.  By this time my first marriage failed and i remarried in 2000.  Secretly i believed i suffered from schizophrenia because of the voice that i heard those years ago.  I changed my psychiatrist because this new one was closer to drive to and i was a mess.  I had been suicidal often between these years.  He put me on Effexor like you, also on 225mgs/per day.  He also placed me in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks, and i had shock treatment, seven sessions.  I had enough after 3 weeks and i came home.  I did feel more settled strangely enough, but at times i have short memory lapses, which is the result of the shock treatment.  My husband also suffers from depression and we both attend our Depression Support Group.  It was hard going through depression with my 1st husband because he could not handle it.  At the end i felt alone and i never felt we truly communicated.  I felt he treated me like a child and i at 40 grew up, the child within grew up, and i felt i had grown away from him. The girls were now 12 & 13 and wronly i thought they didnt need me any more.  I feel guilty now because they told me they did need me back then.  I was all messed up Angelina, all messed up and i was scared my 1st husband was going to put me in an asylum for the crazy people. All these things were going on in my head, I reasoned that it was better that i would leave rather than committ suicide.  So i left, with one bag, a $100-00 bill and that was it.  I stayed with a friend for a while.  Made some dumb decisions and lost my house money.Went through the wilderness for at least 7 years, worked hard at earning some money and winning my girls back.  I had some self-respect  at last. I met my 2nd husband 9 years ago and we get on well, in spite of sometimes having our differences but we are able to communicate well. He gets on very well with my girls and i get on well with his son and daughter.  We will always have mountains to climb i guess.       Sorry i have been long winded.    Love Maria3255              
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
January 8, 2007, 4:42 am CST

mega moochers

Quote From: mm1956

i want to thank u for letting me know i am not the only one paying all the others bills or should i say between my husband, & mom  & i we cant do it anymore, without it dragging us down even lower.. my son & sister do this to us all the time, put guilt trips on us. we have gone without so much it isnt even funny. my husband bought me a beautiful ring i want him to take back but he refuses.we eat the cheapest meat we can find which is sausage & isn't good for me cause i'm diabetic, mom wont get medical ins, even though she can.so we worry bout that. we lost a precious grandson & helped our youngest son & his fiance there a bit. i wish we could of helped more but he thank goodness he does pay his bills. but lets some things go. i love my family very much but cant take much more. we had to replace our furnace on our house this past week & we are struggling now. we dont have money to back us up if something more major goes wrong. our credit is used up to the max trying to help. i was in a car accident & have to start paying the chiropractor, i'm still trying to figure out where we're gonna dig that money out. the ins will help later on i hope, but it's in the court pre stages. so much too much to deal with.plus my sister i try to help with the kids expenses, my oldest niece is graduating this year & i just paid for some pics form wal mart so she could be in the yearbook. she wants so much out of life, they all do, but we cant afford to support 3 families, or 4. my husbands income only goes so far, i will say my sister does try to help some with groceries & when she does have some moeny she tries to pay some of it back, & my son helped with a few groceries.  thanks for the support. i do appreciate it. mary
It makes me very very angry when I hear that there are people who deliberately live off people who have a soft and kind heart.  I can also understand why people allow others to live off them.Because the family is an emotional arena it is very easy for mothers say, giving in to their older children, by providing them with everything and not expecting their child to ever look after itself. I am very soft hearted myself and i would find it very hard to kick one of my children into the street. That happened with one of my daughters.  Her father and his new wife kicked her out of the house where she grew up in, because she was 17 and didnt want to go to school. She ended up on the street and I didnt know about it.  She later met a guy her age who was a heroine junkie and he got her on heroine and she caught Hep C .  She rang me and I said to her to come and live with me.  The trouble had been that with my and her fathers divorce she was suffering from depression, thats why she didnt go to school. Her father, listening to his new girlfriend at the time, just gave her an ultimatum, to either get out or go back to school.  My poor daughter was suffering deeply inside.  His partner, now his wife, just wanted our girls out of their fathers life.  Bruce divorced himself from his children then, even when i nearly lost my daughter Sarah to heroin.  He didnt want to basically know about it.  I put up with a lot of crap and heartache because I wanted my daughter back, both of them.  Eventually she fell pregnant and that made her life turn around.  My granddaughter Adalia was born normal in every way and shes beautiful.  If not for her my daughter would have been buried by now.  So it took a lot of love, patience and giving to see her on her feet.  Now she has a partner, she has a boy as well. He too is beautiful and normal in every way.  And she is nearly off her methadone.  I just thank God for giving me the strength and also giving me a new husband who has cared and helped her all the way.  Sometimes my husband use to moan and say "We can't provide for them, we can't pay their bills" as we had times when we couldnt pay bills on time etc.  But now she and partner are in their rented home and are now paying their own way.  So they are learning. And when  we lend them money now and then when they get stuck she always pays it back, even when I say dont worry about it.  Sometimes I learnt there are reasons why people, young, middleage,old  sponge or mooch on their relatives.  Sometimes some people I believe are just born "takers" even if they have had a proper upbringing. Love Maria3255  (from Australia) 
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
sad
January 9, 2007, 6:10 am CST

Lying Cops

Quote From: afraid

ohhh yeah also i havent seen this show yet, but i stand by my words100%.
Look I sympathise with your sentiments about the way that a lot of police people overbully the people they bring in for interrogation.   I have seen it myself in the police interrogation rooms.If someone is underage I have seen them actually punch that minor in the room, then they were thrown smash into the walls. The police did not offer for them to get a lawyer, it was the mother of the young person who actually came down to the station, after they bashed the kid around  and in tears called a trusted lawyer.  But not before he was given a good hiding.  Secondly , my  1st husband's  Uncle was very high up in the force, here in Australia we call them Inspectors, and when his nephew got a ticket for drink-driving and speeding, which could have sent him to jail for 6 months at least and lose his licence for 2 years, this very high police official just destroyed his nephew's ticket.  Somehow he made sure that his nephew got off ,  So, Greg, the nephew, proudly walked the streets of Melbourne again without any conviction. H e stood to lose quite a bit, reputation wise with his job, with his business contacts etc. But i thought how unfair it is that police, and very high up ones too, flaunt the law themselves and chose to do this sort of unfair thing.   Noone else would have got away with it.                                              
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
January 11, 2007, 4:33 am CST

In Search of ...

Poor Erica, having had both parents cut out of her life at such a young age. She may find closure if she finds her father, but on the other hand  her father may not want to talk about what he has done.  He might have come out a hardened man after being in prison, and may not want to forge with his daughter.  Also he may feel a sense of shame, embarrassment and coldness that may stop him from wanting to speak to Erica his daughter. But i guess if i was in Erica's shoes I would want to know why too. Why all this terrible tragedy happened in the first place.  He may have become a more positive person and would like a chance to clear his conscience with his daughter.  She can't lose on it, I would try and find him.  She would have to be prepared at the fact that he may not want to link up with her, but i believe for her inner peace and closure she should try and find him, after all he is the only link to her parents.  My separation from my Mother wasn't  as tragic as Erica's, my mum was there with my dad , Alcohol addiction separated us from mum.  Yes, mum was sadly an alcoholic and i felt separated from her because ever since I was three years old she became addicted to it.  Mum was only 25 at the time, very pretty lady, she was kind and hospitable, but everyday after a certain time she would change and become another person.  It affected my father, and my sisters for the rest of their lives too, but thats another story.  All I know is that I have spent all my 55 years of me searching for a surrogate mother.  Sometimes I did find someone whom I could turn to for advice as a teenager, and that helped.  But now as i am getting older and have two beautiful grandchildren I want to get to know my mum in spirit, as she passed away at 50 years of age,30 years ago now. I know Mum is always near me now and I know she is sorry for what happened, but she had a tragic story too. So we understand each other, in spirit.        Maria3255 
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
sad
January 15, 2007, 2:55 am CST

The Dr.Phil House:Teen Intervention P.2

It is really sad to see poor Alex, only 14, needing to run away and abusing herself.  She must be a very confused and mixed up young lady, and seeing how dysfunctional the rest of the family is, it all adds to Alex's problems.  I ran away too at her age because of the emotional chaos at my home, but  I didn't abuse myself though through prostitution or anything.  I was away for 3 months.  When I returned Mum wanted to kill me rather than welcome me with open arms. I just thank God that Dr.Phil is there to mediate between Kim and Enza, and perhaps bring them to their senses.  I hope with all my heart that Alex hasn't got any STD's as that would complicate matters for everyone especially young Alex.  
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
worried
January 18, 2007, 11:10 am CST

Mr.Wrong

         If Heather by marrying Mr.Wrong, lost her children, what sort of relationship is it? She will have tremendous guilt and shame when she gets older, believe me.They should be trying to regain the children by leading good lives and providing for them no matter what cost to themselves, obviously they haven't put the kids first. Heather will probably say that "she loves him".  Earl is a very manipulative and selfish person by putting Heather in this position. She will regret it later on in life. It would be unbearably hard for any grandparents to see this happening to their grandchildren.  As for Sarah, i believe she has a very serious personality disorder, and unfortunately two innocent kids are suffering and will suffer later on too.  She needs to come to realise her disorder and get help through therapy and also putting her children's needs first. Her mother has a right to be overly concerned about this horrendous situation, for the kids and her daughter's sake. Most people in prison unfortunately learn to con and manipulate, as they become selfish, especially the men.  They tend to con people with naive and gentle personalities and they make you feel sorry for them.  I know because I used to visit women prisoners, and the men i was told were worse in doing this.
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
worried
January 18, 2007, 11:40 am CST

Mr.Wrong

         If Heather by marrying Mr.Wrong, lost her children, what sort of relationship is it? She will have tremendous guilt and shame when she gets older, believe me.They should be trying to regain the children by leading good lives and providing for them no matter what cost to themselves, obviously they haven't put the kids first. Heather will probably say that "she loves him".  Earl is a very manipulative and selfish person by putting Heather in this position. She will regret it later on in life. It would be unbearably hard for any grandparents to see this happening to their grandchildren.  As for Sarah, i believe she has a very serious personality disorder, and unfortunately two innocent kids are suffering and will suffer later on too.  She needs to come to realise her disorder and get help through therapy and also putting her children's needs first. Her mother has a right to be overly concerned about this horrendous situation, for the kids and her daughter's sake. Most people in prison unfortunately learn to con and manipulate, as they become selfish, especially the men.  They tend to con people with naive and gentle personalities and they make you feel sorry for them.  I know because I used to visit women prisoners, and the men i was told were worse in doing this.
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
January 23, 2007, 6:08 am CST

Egomaniacs

Renee and Chuck both compete with each other to their own detriment. They both seem to want to be right but in reality Renee really craves Chuck's admiration in her persuits, but he's too scared to give this to her in case she will throw it back in his face and get hurt.  At times she has torn him down and calls him an idiot and she says that he has to change. The incident where they called the police to the house was really a sad reflection of their turbulent relationship. They both need to put their cards on the table and truly be honest about each other's weaknesses and allow Dr.Phil to help them come to a level playing field.  Like Dr.Phil said, when competing one is a winner and the other one a loser.  Both ideally need to come to a loving give and take relationship, and then both will be winners. The spirit of competition i believe is detrimental to a loving committed relationship. They need to eradicate that out of their lives, otherwise i don't believe their relationship will last. They need to see the good in each others efforts and love and respect each other.   With Desiree and fiancee Anthony, their relationship is really in a spiral downwards.  It would be so annoying to have someone boast about how hot and sexy he or she was and that all the girls are drawn to him. It sure wont inspire a lot of confidence in Desiree. Maybe he needs to get some counselling about his earlier life when he was picked on at school, if that is the reason that is making him feel and act this way.  Even so at this time it would not be a good time for them to marry as Desiree is insecure about it all and he needs to stop doing this completely and with counselling to help him delve why hes acting and feeling this way.  He needs to see the harm that his attitude causes to his partner and find peace within himself otherwise they will not be together for long. And he will have trouble in other relationships unless he changes his attitude because no girl will put up with that. He even annoys his sister Brianne, but shes lucky because she doesn't have to live with him.
 
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
worried
January 23, 2007, 6:40 am CST

To Queenvaron

Quote From: mandelbrot

I agree with the others here: Get out of that relationship now. And if you don't have the strength to do it, get help from somewhere. Unless you're in a tiny town, there should be a battered-woman's shelter. Your pastor, if s/he truly follows the gospel, might be able to help. If you can't afford counseling, check out your public mental health center. Whatever it takes! By living in the relationship you're in, you're slowly committing suicide.
Yes please leave your relationship with this husband of yours.  He is truly self-centred and manipulative.  I don't want to break up marriages but your going to wind up in a mental institution if you dont get out.  Is your pastor a kind and understanding man?  Perhaps he/she can help you find other lodgins.  Or maybe a social worker in your town can help you find another place to live where your safe, happy and secure.  Have you understanding family? Maybe you could turn to them for help. Any man that denies his wife or partner medicine for an infection is a complete beast as far as i am concerned and doesn't deserve his partner. You poor soul, i feel so sorry for you, i will keep you in my prayers.  Love Maria3255.  
 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board