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Messages By: hawaiiangirl

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angry
December 10, 2006, 6:08 am CST

This porn is driving me crazy

Hello,

  well aim not sure how you all feel about this. But i been married for 11years i have 5 children raging from 11years to 4months old. I still trying to figure out what is so great about porn. what aim doing so wrong that my husband has to go and look at someone else..I give him sex and other things that he want so please tell me what aim doing wrong.I told him how I feel about him looking and doing more. But it just doesn't help.I don't know how to make my self not feel hurt .The problem is Aim starting to hate him. I talk to a friend about this and she said that aim just feel blue after having a baby she just don't understand it been going on for a long time. I know i should just let it go but i cant. Its what he look at that hurt me..you see i don't have the body that he likes..He like them bodybuilders and I dont have that can of body.It makes me feel bad about myself..Iam trying to lose the weight that i put on from having children.But it doesn't help when i know he is looking at them girl and i know what he is doing . The hard part is he tells me that all man do it. but I dont belive that. What can I do ? Can anyone help me ?

 
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December 10, 2006, 12:07 pm CST

So confused

I know that everyone has there on views on this matter. I know that you cant force a person do something they don't want to do. Some of the talk about well just divorce him.Its not that easy.Aim not saying i dont think about it, I do every day. But it not easy when you have children which i have five.The problem is not our sex life. It good.I do anything that he wants so whats the problem. The funny thing is I asked him why he does it and he tells me he don't know why..now that pisses me off. Because i feel that if you are doing something,you should know why right. He tell me that it not like he is cheating on me. But i feel that he is. Here is a question for all you out there. Is it Cheating or not? Please let me know
 
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embarrassed
December 10, 2006, 2:13 pm CST

so it is cheating

Quote From: darcylove

cheating is where you do something that betrays the other person's trust. It is where you turn outside the marriage for something you should be getting from inside the marriage.

 

 

So it is cheating. because you give your trust to that person not to hurt you and what that person do hurt you isn't the same thing.plus that person is getting something outside of the marriage. so can you call it cheating. what i don't understand is why? If that person is getting everything they ask for in the marriage and the marriage bed than why do they have to look and get off on it. Aim i doing something wrong that wants to make him look and get himself off.
 
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frustrated
December 10, 2006, 7:49 pm CST

Yes it does

Quote From: blindyrd

I must say i do feel it is cheating.  When i went out of town for a few days and came home to discover my bf had been watching porn on the computer (which i stumbled across accidently) i felt as if he had actually cheated on me.  My heart  was    broken and i was physically sick.  But it made me understand why we didnt have sex the night i came home, he had been having it while i was gone.  Thats what really hurt the most i guess.  I missed him terrably when i was gone, i didnt even have coffee with any old friends.  Then i come home and find out he was getting off to the computer while i was gone, that broke my heart.  I guess what made it hurt more was the fact that he works nights so we dont even have sex as often as i would like.  It just made me feel as if he would rather get off to porn then to have sex with me, and that really hurt.  That happened back in august and im still not over it.  It has made me so ensecure and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.  I dont understand why he did it, i havent been able to ask him because it seems so personal to me and its embarassing.  The thing is he was sorry and said he was stupid for doing it.  He was afraid he was guna loose me.  He is a very loveing man and would give me the moon if he could, and when we do have sex its not wild kinky sex, its very passionate love making so much so that it makes me cry.  So i know i dont want to be with a man that needs porn in his life, and he doesnt.  It was just that one time thing.  However i do worry about if i ever have to leave again.  But i do trust him also.  So i hope with time my pain will heal and i can get over this.  But meanwhile i am mending a broken heart because i was cheated on in a way.  Well i hope that helps at least a little.  Blindy

Yes it does a little. I kind of glade that aim not the only person out there that feels that way.Its funny i asked him how he would feel if i was looking at other guys on the computer and he said that it wouldn't hurt is feeling.he told me because he know that aim always here for him.well aim tried of being here all the time for him,and aim tried of what his doing.I really don't want to do what he is doing..I was wondering if i did look at other guys on the computer would it help or make it worse. well i need to think on that .Well Blindy ,aim so glad that your bf stop, as the say time heal everything..
 
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December 11, 2006, 9:48 am CST

Thank you

I just wanted to say Thank you to everyone who gave me some advice.Where aim from you cant really go and talk about since everyone knows everyone here.You see i Live on a small island. It like this if you talked to one person about something everyone else will know about it. I really never know the porn affected other people to.Its nice to have a place where you can go and talk about it and people will understand how its affected you. Today will be a nice day. I hope everyone have a nice day.

 

P.S I just wanted to show you all a little piece of Hawaii.

 
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hopeful
December 11, 2006, 3:11 pm CST

I agree with you....

Quote From: darcylove

maybe what was missing in my husband's life was someone.....but by the time I came along he was already addicted. I think in many ways he was lonely for attention (he had a large family but I can't say his parents weren't the best they could be for 6 kids). He had 3 sisters very close in age to him and being surrounded by so many with needs all the same at the same time I am sure was part of the cause. I often think that have a large number of children isn't always the best thing because something has to give. It is no different then having too many in one classroom.

 

I am sure this new board will not be popular to some on the other one. Support does not mean to me not hearing the other side but means allowing a person to voice without feeling attacked. That has not taken place at the other place in very long time. People need to know they have someone to listen and not always judge them. And in all of that ...guidance to finding the answer can happen. If showing up here only ends up with someone being faced with more blame and attacks....they turn away and get nothing.

 

I will check my email. I am in the middle of creating a photo collage for my son's friend for christmas so if I don't get back to you right away....that is why.

Aim new to this website.but since aim been here it been a very big help.i got so much insight about what porn has done to me and to many people like me.it nice to find site where you can go and talk about how your feeling and people will understand. I live on a small island and you cant really talk to anyone there with out the whole island finding out.

 

Its hard when you are married and your other half is looking at porn, but when he is looking at  female body builders now that hurts. You see after i had my children it changed my body.I don't have the same body i had before the kids. I conforted him about it and he tells me that he doesn't really know.so i asked him if thats kind of woman he wants, he told me no. it just dont make any sense to me. he tell me that iam the only woman he wants but he cant stop looking i dont think he cant stop he just dont want to. It really hurt  so much that i don't want to have sex with him. Dont get me wrong i like having sex with him. Its just that i can't help feeling that its the other women he is thinking about. I  tried of  everything i can , I have even been losing the weight and trying to get my body back to the way it was just to make him want me . but  the question i have been asking my self is do i want  to be with him. Before i go i just wanted to say Thank you

 

Aloha

hawaiiangirl

 
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December 11, 2006, 9:43 pm CST

Iam glad

Aim glad that there are people out there that can give advice.Aim so glad that i found this site.I just wanted say Thank you all again.All the posts that i read helps me alot. I hope that aim not one of those who cries..  Ok made aim for right now.lol. Aim just glad i can learn from all of you.

 

Aloha,

hawaiiangirl

 

 

 
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December 12, 2006, 11:59 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: roxy_belle

I wanted to address something your brought up here, but have to keep it brief as I need to be out the door in about 6 minutes lol.  Anyway - you write about your husband and how the type of women he is looking at don't match your body type.  First - believe him when he tells you that isn't the kind of woman he wants.  One thing you should know is that for many men, what they look at and fantasize about especially do not represent what they want in their actual, real world sex life.  I can tell you that my husband looked at some stuff that he had ZERO interest in actually doing.  It is absolutely possible for someone to fantasize about a person or an act that they don't ever intend to carry out.  I don't know if that is true of your husband, but it is at least possible.  As for the type of women he is choosing looking like body builders - perhaps your husband has some fantasies about having a woman dominate him.  I have no idea of course, if that is true, but it is at least possible.  Even if it is true, chances are he wouldn't admit it, because he would feel embarrassed.  Men are generally not comfortable sharing that they even think about being submissive.  Again - this may not match your husband and the main point I want you to get is that just because he looks at women like that does NOT necessarily mean he wants you to.

 

One other quick thing and then I gotta roll.  As far as losing weight - if you feel uncomfortable at the size you are and want to become more healthy through diet and exercise, then by all means do it!  Then you will be making a change from strength.  However - don't do it just to "make him want me".  Then you will be operating out of fear.  I have more thoughts on that, but really have to go now. 

 

Take care and I hope you and everyone here is having a nice Tuesday!  :)  Roxy

 

P.S.  Plz excuse any typos - no time to proofread!

Thank you Roxy.

 

 You gave me some good advice.You know  i wanted to lose the weight for him at first, but now that aim losing some weight aim starting to feel good about myself and i want to do it for me. You know after five kids i would know something about  men.lol..Thank you again for the advice  I hope that you have a good day.

 

I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

Aloha from Hawaii

Hawaiiangirl

 
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December 12, 2006, 3:58 pm CST

I know how you feel....

Quote From: emeliz

I'm finding that all of this has actually made me stronger as an independent woman and it's mostly because I'm tired of trying to better myself to make a man happy that does nothing but hurts me emotionally.  I was very skinny when we got married and then after the baby the extra weight I gained stayed on and I'm still trying to lose it, I also ended up with bad stretch marks since I used to be so skinny. it's very hard to better myself when he keeps bringing down my self esteem with his porn addiction and my depression doesn't help either.  the past few days I've decided I didn't want to lose the weight to be better looking for him, i want to change to feel better about myself and stay healthy and keep up with my baby's busy world.  I've become stronger and yet a bit bitter about it all too.  I want to do things for just me and my baby now and not him. When I do get back into shape I feel like I should block him out when he realizes he wants me instead of just porn, because I want him to love me for me not my body. But I know that will only make things worse and it's not good to be bitter.  He says if i don't want him to he won't watch porn anymore, but I know that if I say that then he'll just watch it behind my back which only hurts me more.  I'd rather know whats he's doing then have him think he needs to hide things from me all the time.  he also says he'll get help for his porn when I get help for my depression when I try to bring up professional help again.

 I know how you feel..aim battling with my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) it another form of depression. It hard for me because i  obsesses over everything. It very hard dealing with your depression and dealing with your other half addiction. I been on meds  for a couple of years know so iam doing much better. Its still hard for me but iam trying everyday.  I also know about  weight gain. I was not really skin and not fat. i guess you can i was right size for my height. But after have all my children i put on alot weight. And know that iam losing some of it iam feeling much better about my self. At first i was doing it for him but now iam doing it for me. aim starting to get back some of my self esteem that i lose due to his addictions. You see my husband had other addictions. He was an alcoholic. but he stop now for over two years. So i though wow ok he stop drinking why can't he stop porn?  but i guess its not that easy to stop porn.iam just glad that he stop paying for them. But i know how it feels when they hide it from you. it hurts alot worse.  Its funny i know alot about depression than i know about porn.lol.. when it comes to porn i have no clue what to do about it.lol..made i should go on a site to see whats so great about it..but i dont think i would do that i just cant see my self looking at other people in the act..

 

Since i have been on this site i feel so much better about my self and i look at thing very differently. stop blamming myself . This site has help me alot. Thank you

 

Aloha from Hawaii

hawaiiangirl

 

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