Messages By: velvetbuny

Yes, I can identify. I was also molested by a family member when I was 5 yrs. old. My brother is 10 yrs older than I am, we lived in a dysfunctional family. My mother drank, my father worked, there was seldom any happy times that I remember except when I was with my grandpa. I loved my grandpa, he would spoil me, give me candy when he shouldn't have, and was always a safe place to go to when no one was home. It all started with my brother wanting to play games with me in the attic. we lived in an old style house where half of the upstairs was an open attic unfinished big room for storage. we use to play in there sometimes. that's when it all started. I never thought anything was wrong, he was my big brother, who I looked up to, who watch over me when my mother was out drinking and dad was working. Little things at first, then to watching me in my underpants as we used this old coat rack that was stored up there to use as a fire pole. climb up it and slide down, so your genitals would be rubbed and did you feel that isn't that fun. Other thing's progressed as the years went on to even going out berry picking, then making me lie down when he would get on top but I would never let him enter me. he just lid up and down like the fire pole. then it happened at home when no one was there, until I was probably about 10 and started realizing this isn't right and I was developing fast at a young age. I began to know that something wasn't the way it should be. the sad part was I never told anyone because I was afraid. Afraid that I would be blamed for all of it, so I've never told or even confronted my brother with it because I just wanted to forget all about it, that was over 50yrs. ago now. I still can't face the reality of what went down all those years ago. My mother and father are both dead now, even my younger brother who was born 5 yrs younger than me is gone. the only person left in this family is my older brother and me. I had a breakdown in 1996, maybe more like a burned-out breakdown, physically and emotionally. even then I couldn't tell people why. I finally found someone I could trust to talk, and that was my pastor at the church. It all began when I  was caring for my father when he had a stroke. I was unable to afford to have someone care for him, so I did my best at the time to arrange things and still try to work. things got progressively worse, and I no longer was able to hold a job and care for my father. I had promised long ago I would never put him in a nursing home and I did my best to keep that promise at the risk of my own sanity. I had two young children of my own, divorced, living with my father. For financial reasons we shared a home, and also because he was getting on in years it made perfect sense . I had a bout of Cancer in 1985, lost a breast and everything that emotionally goes with it, but my father stood by my side and helped with my kids for as long as I needed him. At the time my younger brother was not in good health with a wife who used her kids and my father for money and goodies and when I had to step up and take over the financial situation because of his illness money was a lot shyer and not freely given anymore. Which in short, estranged me from my younger brother for years. Then all of a sudden my older brother too needed help, he had surgery with no place to go after for respite, I said he could stay with dad me and the kids until he could get back on his feet again. It seems then that that's when all hell broke loose with me. I didn't understand why I was so nervous all the time, I began to invent reasons to leave the house I didn't need to be there 24/7 as long as he was there to look after dad. I would walk with a friend for hours every day maybe 7-8 miles a day just to feel stress free some days it would work other times it took more than that. She and I became very close on these walks and found out we had a lot more in common than either one of  us realized. She too had been abused and molested by her brother and sister. So we both needed to escape and we needed one another to survive. We became the best of friends and still are to this day because we both share the shame of what happen when we were young, but not only that we discoved we liked the same things and when her husband was dying I was there for her and went through it with her as if it was my own husband we became a source of each others comfort and we also knew each others pain. We also had enough sense to know when one was having a peticuliar bad day the other one would be the the stronger one for the support that we needed. It worked both ways and if we both were having a bad day we knew it would do neither one of us to be together because then all we did was make it worse on ourselves and we didn't need to do that so we stayed away from each other. Then I began to drink to numb the pain and memories that flashed back at me and all I wanted was to escape it all. My life all of a sudden turned upside down and I wanted to get off the merry-go-round that this world called life and not fast enough. That's when I knew I needed to talk to someone, anyone, but I had to be careful of who that was because, I still had two boys to raise and they needed me, I was all they had. I still didn't want to say too much or let anyone in too close either because when that happens, you get hurt and hurt was something I didn't need to have happen anymore. I counseled for over a year with my Pastor and started little by little to open up but could never get to where it was never my fault for the whole thing. I refused to be blameless and  how could anyone ever love me again like this. that's probably why both of my marriages ended up in the ditch. Anyway, I have learned to forgive him, but to never forget and I get through life one day at a time now. I guess after all this I'm trying to say is never trust your children to anybody, they are so precious, so much of a gift from God that you have to protect them with your very life. No one! and I mean no one, ever dared to touch my children because I was there for them from the time of conception until they were old enough to be on their own and even now find myself protecting them from anything that might hurt them. I'm learning to let go and let God now though, and I think I'm even trying to forgive myself again. but then these shows like this seem to bring it all to head like cold water thrown in your face, then there it is again, the pain, the raw emotions, even though topics on these types of problem seems to draw you like a fly to sugar, it seems like you can't not watch, even though you know what it brings out, I guess you keep searching for answers all the time as to why?????????? It gets a little better each time, not too bad or hurt so much, but it makes you angry. Does it ever go away?

 I can sympathize with your pain, only someone who has can understand what you're going through. You're so young to have to deal with this, stay hopeful and know that my prayers are with you.

XOXOX

*BIG HUGS*

Dorie aka velvetbuny