Messages By: divableu21

Here's my twelve cents: 

I am a twenty-something college student and I work with young prenant teenagers. I know that many of you feel that handing condoms out in school is teaching children that it is okay to have sex. However, many of you are failing to realize that without proper education about sex, many young women end up having sex because they truly don't know any better. Also, you could say till you're blue in the face NOT to have sex (until marriage), but some teens will do it anyways. If they don't have the knowledge about how to protect themselves, then they could end up being parents before they are ready. My youngest client is ten years old. And yes, she is seven months pregnant. Her parents never ever spoke to her about sex, and her school didn't cover the topic either, so she learned all that she knew about sex from second-hand and tertiary sources. Now she is pregnant with no support from her family--they thought she should know better, even though they never talked to her about how to protect herself and say no.  

Now I also know that there are many of you out there who feel that parents should be responsible for talking to their children about sex. However, there are so many parents out there who either don't feel comfortable about the subject themselves or weren't educated enough themselves to talk to their children. It becomes difficult to educate someone or tell them to say know when you yourself know so little about the subject. It also becomes a matter of do as I say and not as I do. There are quite a few hypocrite parents out there who say NO CONDOMS, but they themselves had children as teens out of wedlock, etc etc.  

I'm not saying that condoms should be shoved in childrens' faces, but they do need some knowledge of how to use them. At least at school, the kids will get the correct information. Parents may not know all of the science about everything, but our kids do need to be equipped to face reality. Because, whether you want to hear it or not, there WILL come a time when your son/daughter is faced with a decision about sex. If they make the decision to take that leap, at least they can do it safely. 

If more schools offered sex education and at least showed how to use condoms (maybe not even allow kids to take them) and parents were willing to learn a little as well, then I wouldn't be mentoring a ten year old who is about to become a mother. 

Exceptionally well put. This really isn't just a moral or medical issue. So many myths circulate about sex and human anatomy, it is simply astonishing. Sexual education, at least from a medical standpoint needs to be taught. There are many people my age (22-25 range) who still don't know exactly how a baby is created. All they know is that sex is somehow involved. That is so sad, if schools at the very very least taught just this bare minimum, and allowed parents to take care of the ethical stuff, we'd be in somewhat better shape

I've been down that road myself, and I know it's so hard to leave. I got in a relationship with a much older guy when I was in my mid-teens (I was really looking for a father figure). He beat the taste out of my mouth on several occasions. I would explain the bruises and bumps away--telling my mom and school friends/teachers that I got hurt during volleyball practice. I really thought he loved me because he would always apologize afterward. I really fooled myself into thinking that was a healthy relationship. My last straw came a month before my sixteenth birthday. My boyfriend thought I was cheating on him, and hit me so hard that my jaw was broken. I had to have my jaw wired shut. I finally told everyone close to me, and they rallied around and supported me while I pressed charges. He's still serving his 10-year sentence--for statutory rape and assault. It's been a long road recovering my self-worth and self-esteem, but it is possible. 

I hope with all of my heart that these women can use their experience on Dr. Phil to find the courage to break the cycle. Ladies, my heart is with you. 

I applaud you moms for putting a voice to your frustrations. I'm not a mother yet, but I know that taking care of a household is hard work. However, I do agree with some of the points of the other postings. While the women on today's show weren't complaining, I do hear a lot of whining and what not from my friends who are stay at home parents. They always complain that having children is so hard and being home all day is very difficult, and that they don't want to be a "Stepford Wife".  Sometimes I do want to say--you made your bed, now lay in it. Before getting married, shouldn't it be discussed about child-rearing and sharing household duties? My fiance and I got all of that straight before we moved in together and before we got engaged. We discussed that if he doesn't share in the housework, bill paying, etc etc, then no deal--no marriage. Also, a lot of my friends keep procreating thinking this will convince husband to do more in the house. I just don't see how this could work. If having one toddler around is chaos, how is having a toddler and a newborn supposed to help. 

I do however, understand where the women on today's show are coming from. It seems that these women have lost themselves and no longer do what they want to do. Perhaps one or two days out of the week, they can take an afternoon to volunteer or take a class. Getting back in touch with yourself is a wonderful catharsis and can lead to better balance in life. The kids get some time away from mom to socialize with other children (if they're at the babysitter, etc) which is a wonderful thing, and mom gets to break from the chaos at home. When mom is able to get some much needed "me" time, then she can operate much better. I'm in no way saying the kids should be at babysitters all the time, but something should give. Dad gets his outlet at work, kids get their outlet playing, and mom gets her outlet doing something that she enjoys (other than cooking/housework, etc). Even one hour a week for mom to go to a pottery or painting class can help. She may even foster new friendships with other SAHM's while doing so--and having a network of friends who understand your situation is a great support! 

I'm sorry to hear about your MS. And I'm in no way saying your wrong. I completely understand about things not going as planned. Like I didn't expect to have my father leave me with my 9 year old half brother and have me raise him when I was 20. I paid for him to go to private school, I shuttled back and forth to extra-curriculars, went to school full time, worked full time, tutored neighborhood kids, paid down student loans, took care of my household, had my grandfather die, had a cancer scare in the family, had a miscarriage, took care of my mother after she had surgery, taught tap dance after my own back surgery, ran a business with my fiance, got my real estate license, got my insurance licences, got a mortgage brokers license, AND dealt with depression and chronic fatigue--ALL starting just one month after having a bone chip removed from my hip and having six hooks, a rod, and a cage put in my spine. So believe me, I know that planning doesn't always work. However, since my brother is no longer living with us, my fiance have planned as best we can for children, managing debt, dealing with the death/disability of one of us, house fire, job loss, paying for school, managing houehold with one person or both working, who will take care of our children when one or both of us die, what we will do with posessions in event of divorce, how we will care for our parents in old age or in the event of serious illness, to whom we will bequeath our business, and what we will do if our small business folds. Our plan may go off track, but at least we have some idea of what we may deal with. We're only 23 and 27 now, but we are doing our best to get our lives in order before we get married and have kids. I've been on both ends of raising kids now, so we are lucky in that sense. 

But, my initial point was for moms to TRY to do something for themselves not family related just to feel more connected to herself. S**t happens to all of us, so I know what it means to need support. I'm sorry about your illness and I'm sorry about your duaghter's disability--but God is on your side, and I know you'll be just fine in the end. You're in my prayers. 

  

Now to the woman who said no moms of color were on the show--why make this racial? If you must know, I'm an African-American too, but was not offended by lack of brown faces on the show. I was just happy to see women giving voice to their frustrations. Don't forget, you may be black, but you are also a WOMAN, and this show was about WOMEN. Don't let race become your motivation for everything. I'm a WOMAN before I'm anything else--be it student, mother, sister, race, etc. 

I'm so so very sorry, but you are the misinformed one. If all women's milk was perfectly balanced, then there wouldn't be something called neonatal alcohol syndrome! This happens when a woman drinks too much alcohol during the time that she is nursing and passes that alcohol to her child through her breast milk. This is why most AIDS infected mothers don't breastfeed, because there is a chance their child may get sick from the breast milk. The fat content of mother's milk changes with her diet. If mom eats celery and is anorexic, her milk will NOT be as nutritious as a woman who eats a proper diet. 

Fine about breastfeeding for as long as you want, but you also need to look at baby's health. As babies grow, their digestive flora and fauna change, and mother's milk can disturb that if s/he is still feeding on mother's milk for too long (like age 3+ or so). But all you breastfeeding moms---go for it as long as you know that you and your baby are healthy!!! 

I understand many parents' fears about letting their children date, however if it is a non-debatable issue in the household, then chances are your teen will do it anyway--behind your back. My mother told me that I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but I managed to do it anyways. I (purposefully, I admit) got together with an older guy and I started sneaking out at night, and I would sneak him into my house at night occasionally. I ended up "falling in love" with him, and unfortunately got pregnant (had a miscarriage cuz he hit me so hard, but that's another topic). I latched onto him like a puppy because I was intentionally rebelling against my mother. If my mother had allowed some negotiating, then I never would have gotten into that situation. I wish she had allowed group dating, because I would have been socializing with people my own age. 

  

Teenagers do need to learn important social skills which will help them in the dating field later. Whether you like it or not, your teenager will have that huge crush, and if you do nothing to help him or her learn how to deal with those emotions, then you may be dealing with bigger problems later on. Dating in a group takes a lot of the pressure off, and allows teens to learn to relate in terms of like/love/lust in a much less intense atmosphere. In a group setting, there is less chance of kids having sex, and will feel much less pressure to do more than they are ready for than in a one-on-one date.  When you're with one person on a date, that person may have a very strong influence and put your child in a position to have sex because that person wants to. 

  

Also, if you don't allow some exposure to dating, then you may be setting your child up for a promiscuous future. It is analagous to being in a cage for a long time, then being set free. You feel you've missed out on so much, so you get into everything you can in order to "catch up" to your peer group. A dear friend of mine was not allowed to date until age 18, and as soon as she got her freedom in college, she went buckwild. She began having sex with lots of people because she thought she was missing out. Now she is 24 years old, and is still having trouble forming healthy relationships with men. She tells me that if she'd been allowed to date at an earlier age (maybe 14 or 15) she would know better how to deal with the emotional turmoil that can come with relationships. 

  

I'm in no way saying that you should force your child to be in a relationship, but at least allowing the option to hang out/date in a group setting will foster healthy attitudes and behaviors later on. 

I can't say whether parents should homeschool their children or not, if it works for you that is wonderful. My parents decided to send me to private school, so I could learn in a more individualized environment while interacting with my peers, but that is not to say that homeschooling or public schools are bad. So please, if your lifestyle works for you, I'm glad, but don't think I'm out for a witch hunt. 

I am however, worried about the fact that some (by no means all, so I'm not generalizing by any means) homeschooling parents focus so hard on academics, that they forget that the child will eventually have to go out into the real world. While homeschoolers may have better scores on standardized tests, great, but a standardized test does not say much about real-world skill. Also, it's very nice to see parents putting their children in organized activities such as scouting, dance, etc. but what about the non-structured activities? Kids need socialization outside of those types of activities (both traditionally schooled children and homeschooled children). I understand parents wanting to keep their children away from peer pressure and the like, but in college this runs rampant--and also carries into adulthood. Some life skills cannot be taught from a book. Kids get into trouble sometimes--that's what they do while learning to be adults. Passing notes and detention and whatnot may seem undesirable, but that's why they're kids! Some social skills are not learned in a structurized group, but while just hanging with friends after school, during school etc. Cliques are formed in school, and they are a part of adult life as well. If a child has never been exposed to that, then when they get to college and enter the workforce, they may not know how to deal with that, and it could possibly have a negative effect on self esteem. Drugs are everywhere, so even if you manage to keep a child away from that now, when they grow up they will have to deal with that reality. 

Also, some homeschooled children are so advanced that they graduate years ahead of their contemporaries, and that should be applauded. However, graduating before your friends may not be so great. When I was in college, there was a girl in my freshman class who was 15 yrs old (she had been homeschooled). Because she was so young, she couldn't participate in some of the activities that we participated in (and I'm NOT talking about drinking!!), because the events were only open to people age 18 and over.  That left her very depressed and lonely, because few people wanted to be friends with someone so young. After graduation, it was very very difficult for her to find a job because so few employers wanted to deal with a teenager (she graduated at age 18), even though she had a degree. During college, she never really fit in, because her contemporaries were still in high school (when she was graduating from college, some of her peers were just graduating HS), and her fellow college students were all so much older than she was and were interested in other social outlets than she was. She was just "there" and was sometimes used by other students. People who knew how smart she was promised her friendship if she did homework for them, and when the work was done, they never followed through on their promises of friendship. While many of her so-called "friends" in college were preparing for serious life-long romantic relationships, she was just beginning to develop an interest in dating. Not many people wanted to hear about her experiences in scouts, or drama club, or how she had a crush on someone--everyone was past that part of their lives. She told me on several occasions that she wished she would have just gone to private school, taken college level courses for credit, and graduated with people her age. She was too young for sororities, too young for some parties, etc...so her college experience was less than it couls have been. 

My point with all of this just shows that while your child may be extremely academically advanced, there is still a world outside of academics that comes with school. Sure, they may score higher on standardized tests, but that means nothing if they don't enjoy their own intelligence. When I tested as having a high IQ score, my parents put me in a "Saturday Scholars Program" for people my age, which allowed me to get the intellectual input I needed, and still graduate with my peers. So no matter how you school your children--homeschool, public school, or private school, don't forget to consider what comes later in life. Scores on tests are NOT everything. Let your kids be kids while they can because they can't get those years back. While they're just hanging with their friends, they are learning. Not all education comes out of a dusty textbook. 

I'm not trying to say that you are wrong at all for supporting homeschooling. If it works for you and your family, that is super. However, I am compelled to ask if you think all who have not been homeschooled understand social issues on a superficial level. I'm not asking that with prejudice, just asking so we can develop a more substantial dialogue rather than have this message board topic continue on the "I'm right, you're wrong" tangent that it's been on. I'd also like to point out to everyone that no matter how you are schooled, you will emerge with only a superficial understanding of many topics. In the end, it really doesn't matter where or how you were educated--just be happy that you have an education, because some don't have that and are left behind.

I'm so sad to read the stories that have been posted here. I'm not yet married, but will be next May. My fiancé and I have discussed finances at length. We've decided to each have our own checking accounts, and open one joint account to pay bills with. We will both continue to work, even with children. When we pay bills, it's a joint effort. We both are at the table looking at what's owed, and we both know everything about our financial situation.But I understand that some people don't have that luxury. My first suggestion is to demand to be included in financial decisions, because if only one person knows what's really coming in and going out, that could lead to a serious problem later on (especially if divorce or separation is involved). My other suggestion would be to have separate accounts and one joint account for bills. Even if you don't work, make sure to save some of your "allowance" (I despise using that term) and stash it in the bank and DON'T touch it unless it's absolutely necessary. Doing so gives you a cushion to work with in the event that the relationship falls apart. My last suggestion is to stop using credit cards. If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Many of us use credit cards with the intention to pay the whole balance at the end of the month, but it usually doesn't happen that way. What ends up happening when you carry a balance month to month is you end up paying more for your purchases than you would have if you'd paid cash, due to interest and fees. It is never good to be in any type of money conflict with personal debt. Holding personal debt also raises your debt-to-income ratio, which has a negative effect on your credit, and may prevent you from getting important loans--like mortgage or auto loans. So before you begin relying on that shiny piece of plasic in your wallet, have a serious discussion with your spouse about your finances. Have your partner live a day in your shoes if you don't feel appreciated for the work that you do--when I did that, my fiancé gained a new respect for me going to school and working full-time, and he was more willing to adjust his contribution to the joint account. Ideally, you want to put 55% of your income in the joint account, and 45% in your own account, so you always have the cash you need to pay for the things you need and want. Don't forget to include bills like groceries, kids necessities,life insurance, and medical bills in the joint account. If your partner carries the health insurance, make sure you ensure that you are covered--I have seen spouses intentionally and unintentionally leave their partner off of the insurance contract. Also, avoid putting your partner on your vehicle loan--when your cosigner is your spouse, that could lead to arguements about who is to pay the loan. Keep the loan in your name only, and you pay for your own vehicle. It is okay to have a third vehicle that has both partners' names on the loan, with the payment coming from your joint account, but make sure you are covered yourself before you do that. This way, if something does happen badly in your relationship, you still get to keep your transportation, and also you won't feel like you are a slave to your partner's income.