Messages By: freemommy

My son is 11 years old now. He has been bullied since he was in Kindergarten. Back then even the teachers ostrosized him. He was sick a lot when he was first in school. And although very bright, he started falling behind in school. The teachers would let him go off on his own, spinning around the room at any time he wanted. They would sit him apart from his class for two years. Even at lunch he was forced to sit alone because he put ketchup on his mac & cheese. It was 6 months before I found out the extent of what was happening. Finally I took him out of the public school system, and homeschooled him for a year in 2nd grade. I put him back in public school in a new town for 3rd grade. The bullying didn't stop. Kids started to hit him. He has a rather severe overbite and they would call him "horse-face" and "buck tooth fairy" all of the time. There wasn't a day that went by that someone didn't make fun of him for some reason.

He started putting on weight. He stopped trying in school. He would explode in bursts of anger over the slightest things. He would take it out on his brother, or me, or his grandmother. He retreated into an imaginary world full of dragons, and his imaginary friend tornado that he would picture taking out the bullies that tormented him so. It got to the point where most people could not tell when he was telling tales or when he was telling the truth. I knew it, but his teachers and special education helpers could not. He just wanted to escape his daily life at all costs. I began to worry that he would be one of those kids that shoots up a school or something if we didn't put a stop to this.

I got involved at his school. I got to know all of his friends. And I made home the safest, and best place to be if the outside world was not so nice to be in. I don't believe in hitting as a first solution, but I have always told him that he is "not allowed to start a fight, but definately he can finish one"  I also taught him to take a look at the life that the bully is living. If they are spending so much of their time picking on him, it usually means that their own home life is not the happiest place on earth to be. He knew that some of these kids were being beaten at home. That some of them had parents that didn't care about them very much at all. And others had weight issues or height issues and saw him as an easy target. This really helped him, when he took a real look at these kids. It didn't fix the problem completely, but it did give him empathy for the bullies, and made it easier to let go of his anger toward them.

A couple of weeks ago he was being picked on so much that he could not take it any more and ended up punching one of the children that I have complained so much about over the past school year. He got suspended for doing so, as they have a zero tolerance policy for violence. But the other child was suspended as well. When he got home he was ready to go to his room, no television, and what not. Imagine his suprise when we didn't punish him. He just started crying. He had had enough, and we understood that. The school felt bad that they had to suspend him, but were a little suprised at our response to the situation.  I explained to them that it would never have happened if they had taken action against the kids picking on him up until that point. And since it happened, the kids are not calling him names anymore. They learned that you can be suspended for name calling just as much as hitting.

I agree that you need to do special things with your child, if for no other reason than to give them something to look back on and smile at about their childhood. Our family likes to go to the drive-in movie theater as often as we can. It is certainly affordable, as kids under the age of 12 get in free, and you get to watch 2 or 3 movies for less than in a regular theater.  We live near an amusement park where we get season passes and go nearly every day, if only for a few hours. There he is able to scream his head off no the roller coasters. To let out all that pent up anger and frustration without hurting anyone in the process. And because we live in a northern state, and it gets cold for a few months of the year, we often hop in the car, drive down the highway and just crank up the radio and sing loudly to it. We play board games at least once a week together, and invite his friends to join in whenever possible.  I have two boys, and I make sure to take time each day to be with each one if only for a half hour, one on one. And each week, I have what we call "mommy/son dates" where we spend an afternoon or an evening together just the two of us. Sometimes we go out for icecream, sometimes we eat in at the local pizza parlor, sometimes we just go for walks along the many nature trails in our state. But I make sure that they each know they are special people, and deserve nothing but the very best. Please note that we often do all of these things together as well. But I have always made a point to let each son know that they are my "number one first born son" and "number one second born son". We even make a game out of coming up with bigger and better ways to say we love one another.  Both of my boys know that they are very important people in my life. And that they are worth more than words can say.

I don't know if this will help you. But I can tell you that my boys have stopped fighting so much with each other. They don't feel like home is just another war zone to be tolerated until they can get out. They also know that they have each other's backs when it counts. And that I have their backs. I am not blind to my children's behavior. I do my best to point out behaviors that may make them targets for bullys. But I also support them the best I can at all times. And I remind them that it could be so much worse.

I only wish that the bullies of the world could learn such lessons.

This guy doesn't seem to be wholly commited to you. You deserve better. I have been through just about everything there is to go through with the man I love. And Trust me, plenty of people have told me to leave him, plenty of times.  So I understand if you decide not to. What you have to do is take a long hard look at what you want for yourself and your kids. Here is what I did.

Make a list of all of the things about this guy that are wonderful. All of the things that you love about him. It can be as simple as the way he makes you laugh. That you both like the same foods. Whatever it is, put it on paper. Then make a list of everything that drives you nuts about him. Remember this is a serious look. The only person you are cheating will be yourself if you are not honest. Be sure to include the fact that he is keeping you a secret, and how he is clearly interested in seeking relationships with other women. Then compare the two lists. This might help you in and of itself to decide weather to stay or go. The next step is to take a look at weather you want your children to be exposed to this person any longer. This is not all about just you any more. Your kids are involved. It is your job to make sure that they are safe and protected from bad influences as best you can. So break down your list and made two more lists including the good and bad things that affect your kids in all of this.

It is realistic to think that your kids are acting out because they have good reason not to like the relationship you are in. I don't know how he treats them. But you could take a look at exactly how they are treated, both directly and indirectly by him. It is very likely that you have been blinding yourself to    what they have been going through, and that they have been acting out because of this. It is also very possible that they just have issues with him treating you so poorly. Kids love their moms very much. And they see more than you would like to know. They can hear it in your voice when you are hurting, depressed, and angery. And they are aware of what it is that is causing you to feel this way. They are probably hurting and angery as well over some of the same things.

I went through the steps that I am suggesting to you. I ultimately ended up staying with the man I love, but made some serious changes in our relationship. I no longer would subject my kids to his negativity and bad behavior. When he would start behaving badly, I would pack them up and go home. My man has problems with chemical dependency, and I would never allow him around them if he was under the influence in any way. Now this seems obvious to have done all along, but for the first 4 years of our relationship I didn't think that way. I thought that my oldest son was not being affected by all of the things that were tearing me apart. But he was.  And When my youngest son was born, I made the lists, and made significant changes to my life. Now we all live together, happy, healthy, and chemical free. But he wanted to be with only me, and I with only him. Two things that were a huge deciding factor for me.

The choice is yours. I am not telling you to leave him per say. I am telling you that it is ok if you decide to leave him, and it is ok if you decide to stay. But you need to take a searching and fearless look at how healthy the relationship is the way it is, and weather that is really what you want for you or your kids.