Messages By: readmore

I would like to applaud every woman who is brave enough to trust her gut and KNOW that things are not right when there is abuse.  I read the most informative and healing book by Lundy Bancroft: "Why Does He Do That?" (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men).  I hope that Dr. Phil will feature this amazing man on his program, for he will strip away so much misinformation about abuse.  Once you know how abusers think, YOU will have the ability to save yourself from more harm.  You will teach children not to abuse others or tolerate abuse.

 

By the way, abuse is NOT an event where the abuser "loses control."   He chooses who, when, and where he will be abusive.  He controls the entire scene.  Abuse thrives in secrecy, often without witnesses.   The victims live in fear of exposing him.  Please never blame victims for "staying."    The statistics show how many women and children are harmed after they leave.

 

Regarding the show where the little daughter stated: "I will help you, Daddy":  What a conveniently manipulated role-reversal.  What adult expects a child to sort out the adult's destrucive behavior?  Which person is the real child?   This was a sickening example of abuse.

 

This country needs to wake up!  Parents are teachers.  If we want to know where abusive attitudes (entitlement, selfishness, superiority, disrespect, coercive control, and victim-blaming) come from, and how they are modeled for our children, read Bancroft's book.  Then look at the way we live and model abuse to our nation's children, at home, on television, everywhere.

 

I am a high school teacher, and I can assure you that the teens are starving for answers, based upon what they must live with at home.   They deserve more guidance and love than they are receiving.   We are not doing our part if we do not first examine our own behaviors and speech.

 

 

Does an abused woman own her abuser's childhood, or his role models, or his addictions, or his allergies?    Of course not!   Abuse is LEARNED.   It is modeled.   The abuser must own his childhood, the models that he accepted, the values, choices, and behaviors he chooses.  It is HE, not the recipients of his abuse, that stands alone in accountability.  He decides how to treat others.

 

Values are LIVED.   If an adult values kindness, patience, and respect, he will not be abusive.

 

An abused person has NO OWNERSHIP of another person's choice to be mean.  

Every abusive person makes a conscious choice, in the moment, how to behave. 

Today's program effectively showed how the drinker, his spouse, and child are all suffering from alcoholism.   I was disappointed, however, that the drinker was not asked: "How do you think your drinking has effected your wife's life?   Your son's life?"   Where is empathy for them?

 

I was disappointed that the lonely, frustrated, and hurting wife, in her bitterness, does not receive support by being asked: "How did the drinking cheat you of a fulfilling marriage?"

 

I was not disappointed to hear the son state, so beautifully, that his pain is rooted in the belief that drinking is more "important" to the drinker than his family.   The empty bottle, in the collection, labeled "Christmas Memory" says it all.  This boy deserves some answers and coping tools.  It is not enough to simply state: alcoholism is a disease.   Children deserve functional parents.  The child is not the parent, with the responsibility to fix things.

 

Dr. Phil, each person needs support.  I feel the drinker needs to come to terms with his immaturity and inability to develop empathy for his wife and son.  His emotional immaturity results in denial; and the denial keeps him feeling like a victim of life.   I feel the wife and son need to discover how they can deal with feelings of being rejected for a bottle of alcohol and get the tools to understand alcoholism and forgive the drinker.  They also need to have a life beyond the walls that contain the alcoholism.

 

Most importantly, I think families with drinkers need to decide what  positive role, if any, there is for alcohol.  Like the McGraws, I am from a family with that disease.  Like them, I consciously chose NOT to drink.   It simplified my life; but I still have to deal with drinkers.   That is the greatest challenge:  how to live a fulfilling life that is not destroyed by the problems of loved ones.  It is very difficult to receive love and attention from people who do not offer it.

 

There must be a way for us to receive love, too, while the drinkers own and manage the disease.   Can you, Dr. Phil, help drinkers see that they need to contribute to the emotional health of family members----or will it always be the  situation where the drinker is the recipient of care, understanding, and forgiveness?   Can they see that NOT drinking is a first huge step?

My husband was a "favorite son" to his mother.  He was her "first-born."  She attached to him because her husband was emotionally detached and avoidant.   She  slept with my husband until he started school (keeping him home an extra year---no kindergarten---to help her do housework and raise two more siblings.)

 

He was denied the right to have his own friends of his own age, to participate in sports (even when the coach offered to give him a ride to baseball practice).   He did not date in high school or college but threw himself into his studies.   He was extremely introverted and lacked normal social skills in college.  He became a doctor (compensatory narcissist) and a convicted wife batterer.  

 

How does therapy ever give him back the right to a childhood or a healthy marriage?

 

I feel that our marriage was destroyed by her emotionally incestuous behavior.   My husband grew into an avoidant, passive aggressive  man who expresses no emotion but anger.   He is a tense, walled-off person.   One can understand how that came to be his plight, our plight.

 

Now I ask you:  do children have a birth-right to a loving, healthy childhood, a right not to be used to meet the emotional needs of troubled adults?

 

Everyone pays for emotional incest but the abuser.

 

 

 

 

Michelle does not deserve ridicule or sarcasm.   She has the unfortunate problem of loving a person who hurts her.    She has children and is heavily invested emotionally in her relationship.   If it were so easy to leave abusers and start fresh, more women would do it.

 

Dr. Phil, please restate the statistics about wife-battering and homicide for women who leave.

They are at great risk and deserve support, not mockery for why they stay.

They deserve safety.   Can anyone guarantee that?  Constant fear is not a new lease on life.

 

Michelle's eyes tell the story:  pain, fear, and ambivalence.   Her tears are real.

She does not want to hurt, she wants him to stop terrorizing her.  

 

I am disgusted when the audience laughs during these presentations.   None of this is funny.

The audience can help by controlling their laughter and donating to a women's shelter.

 

 

Amanda strikes me as a woman who is not comfortable with her looks ("wants to be considered beautiful") but very pleased with her body.   I think she gets an ego-boost by dancing in public for men.   I also think that her rationalizations for the cost of "living" are merely the pretext for the dancing, which seems to meet a deep emotional need to feel pretty.

 

Trying to put a noble spin on the dancing seems false.   If it is so noble, why does Amanda cry in shame?   I think Amanda is struggling with a dilemma in self-esteem.    I think she wants admiration for looks and material acquisitions----all superficial things.   

 

I think that if she loved herself, deep down, she would not have to acquire objects or leering glances from men.   We teach our children about what matters in life.   If we women teach our children that we can only be loved for our looks, or our possessions, we send an empty message.    I am a mother, a teacher, and a community volunteer.   I feel loved every day by my kids, family, and all those who appreciate my smiles, encouragement, and positive thinking.

 

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "your smile lights up the room!", I would be a millionaire.

 

Amanda is more than a body or a consumer:  she is a valuable person.   She can teach her children, by her example, that a person is loved by being loving and caring, not naked.

Tiffany and Antoine saved lives with their brave message. Their little boy came to earth with a purpose, and it may have been to save lives. His parents helped him carry out his mission by sharing their story on national television. They gave the gift of knowledge, in their son's name. I hope that as Tiffany struggles with her pain, and tries to "give 100%" to others, that she RECEIVES 100% from others as well. No one will ever really know how she suffers each day. It is not necessary to remind her that she is needed; she knows that. What her family needs to demonstrate is compassion for her. They need to be there for her. She tried to be there for them. Tiffany, you are loved for trying to do your best. You are a wonderful mother.

Danielle is a beautiful woman with the hollow eyes and face of a woman trapped in a concentration camp.   It is not the Dr. Phil house---it is her marriage.   That vampire is sucking the life out of her!

 

Danielle, look in the mirror.  Do you ever smile?

You deserve better than what you have.   I almost vomited to watch him work the crowd.  Dr. Phil was amazing at calling him on his stupid, manipulative behavior.     That packed suitcase was a prop!  He never intended to leave!    He LOVES it when you trail after him, like a hungry dog,  begging for a bone.

You hand over your personal power continuously and wonder why you feel empty!

 

When you have starved long enough, and your heart is gnawing for some recognition, you will have the strength to tell him to GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR LIFE!    He is quicksand, sucking you downward.

He feeds off of your dying spirit like road-kill.   There is not much left.

 

Read more about sociopaths.   They have no feelings or conscience.   They are incapable of loving.

The only reason you are staying in this dead relationship is because you want to BELIEVE you are lovable.

 

Believe us:  YOU ARE.    He is not.   He will never change.  NEVER.   He is an actor (a bad one) with tears!

You are smarter than he is; show it.    Tell him you are not so desperate to settle for his crumbs.

 

I am not criticizing you. 

I am you---I suffered through a 35-year marriage to a sociopath (surgeon).   I left; now I smile!  So will you!

  Dr. Phil is too kind and too smart to play into Jerk's game.   Dr. Phil will not permit Danielle to be emotionally black-mailed.   His high ratings do not need to exploit people.   Decent viewers do NOT want to hear anything that will humiliate Danielle.  We are not a Roman mob, waiting for another body to be thrown to the lions.   Thanks, Dr. Phil, for your ethical behavior.  One thing is no secret:  Jack is a jerk.

Anyone who wants to learn the warning signs of abusive, manipulative men must read "WHY Does He Do That?" (Inside the minds of angry, controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft.   

 

I took his list of characteristics (traits and behaviors that suggest a potential problem with abusive/controlling men) and shared it with my high school Health class.   They paid attention.

 

One boy said: "Hey---you're giving away all our tricks!"

 

My response to him:   "Precisely."

 

Danielle and other women will keep attracting/finding sociopaths who use/abuse women unless they learns the warning signs.    Why do you think women find themselves in a repetitious relationship pattern?   Why is there recidivism in prisons/programs for batterers?   Someone is NOT getting it!

 

Let's be smart and know what potential danger looks like.   We know what icey pavement looks like.

We know what dog droppings look like.   We can identify and discern disrespectful behavior, as well.

Let's not step into a problem.

 

Abuse is about CONTROL.   Men try to charm women and buy them things, only to turn off the charm and turn on the abuse later.   C'mon, women!   We are so much smarter than that.    Aren't we?