Messages By: blonde_chick

I didn't have a problem with you spreading the message.  What I did take issue with was the way you did it.  I don't think a nonChristian would respond well to paternalistic sermons.  I never said i was okay with her situation, but as Christians, we should use tact.

It seemed that you were trying to force something on someone, when that is not the way to recruit anybody.  They have to take Christ into themselves and want to change and transform their lives.

I was talking about the marriage thing, because our relationship with Christ is mirrowed in our marital relationships, and also ties into the topic of the show.

As a Christian, I'm not "going against you" but merely questioning your approach to the poster as something that would draw her in, or drive her away, and it seemed that it would more likely repel someone, than draw them in.

I'm trying to relieve the conflict and make peace, because she is our sister, and the peace leads her to us.

If you get to know the person before you live with them, then you can work out the kinks when you live together.  It's about loving the person before you commit to sharing your lives together.

There are warning signs that red flag that you probably shouldn't marry that person.  And if you "try before you buy" so to speak, i think it creates the atmosphere where the guy has all the benefits of marriage, but without the commitment, which might be what the woman wants.  It sets up the woman to be manipulated and having the "marriage" carrot dangled in front of her.

If i believe it's "wrong according to God" i have every right to say it, because i believe it.  You might not, but it's your life.

It is sad that many couples today shag up and never take that important step to make their relationship permanent and official. In many cases, men are coming up with excuses that they are not ready, yet they are ready at any time to jump in bed and create a child.  In their minds, they think that since they get what they want, why should they need to get into a deeper commitment to get the same that they already have. And for women, they say, someday, someday it will happen.....Hello, wake up!! They are very selfish and they don't take their children's welfare and sense of security seriously. It is time to say, I'm leaving to start a new life if you are not commited. Let the other show their true self by either come clean with their commitment or show that they don't have what it takes to make a commited relationship.

So, are you saying she should lower her standards and marry just anybody?  Or were you alluding to the no sex before marriage thing?  For some ppl it IS worth it to take things slower and fall in love with someone, not just their penis.  People CAN have meaningful romantic relationships without sex, and it's better I think to work on the relationship.  So if you withhold sex, does that mean the person doesn't love you anymore, uh, NO!  Or at least it shouldn't affect the way someone feels about you.

What do fundamental changes have to do with how much you love someone?  If youre in love with someone, why is it integral to you to have to agree on everything?  I see the world differently than my spouse, but does that mean i have to be miserable because of it?  No, I learn from his point of view.  That's why i enjoy confrontation (can't you tell?), it teaches me things i would have never known otherwise. 

I can love my husband, but not love his point of view, while still respecting it.  Why can't marriages last to the end?  The happiest ppl in marriage are older ppl who have been married forever (i know there was a study done on spousal happiness at certain times in the marriage, but i can't recall exactly where i saw this).  It makes me wonder how happy i would be if i bother to work on it that long-that's committment for ya.

 No example is perfect.  If anything, a child brought into a situation where there are two different beliefs would have the benefit of two different viewpoints.  Think about that.

Why is it that you can't have fundamental differences with someone and still love them for who they are.  Who they are hasn't really changed, just how they see the world.  It seems like she was saying that if you have MASSIVE differences, yo u can't EVER reconcile them.

I remember from my Developmental Psychology class (I don't remember which book off hand, but if you google it, you can find anything) about diferent stages in marriage and the happiness levels according to milestones (having children, empty nesting, etc.).

There are always ways to respect fundamental differences without losing love and respect for someone.

These are the sources I've found for the U curve of happiness in marital duration:

Van Laningham, Jody "Marital Happiness, Marital Duration, and the U-Shaped Curve: Evidence from a Five-Wave Panel Study"
Social Forces - Volume 79, Number 4, June 2001, pp. 1313-1341
The University of North Carolina Press

Orbach, Terri L., House, James, Mero, Richard, "Marital Quality Over the Life Course", Social Psycology Quarterly-June 1996 American Socialogical Association, Washington DC

This is just a suggestion, so take it or leave it.  I think your stepson is still grieving for his mom.  You can't put a time limit on grieving.  It's not a good idea to discipline him for his bad behavior-leave that to his dad.  You have to understand that he just experienced a major loss in his life and doesn't know how to cope with it.  Since he's a minor, it makes it even harder for him to accept.

The more you harp on how he should "get over it", the more he's going to resent you.  Stand back, let him grieve, and listen to him if he wants to talk to you.  Try to get his aunt to visit as much as she can (when she's not on the road).  Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get him some counseling and let his dad take him to visit his mom's grave when he wants, and encourage talk about his mom.  Just a thought.