Messages By: buffitude

I have had the same issue with my husband of 3 years.  He's 5 years younger than me, I'm 43.  It started with us within the first 3 months we were married.  He usually had all the excuses "too tired, knees hurt(surgery on one knee, the other bad), migraines"; I finally told him that he needed to get to the doctor because he was too young to be having this kind of health issues to the point he doesn't want to have sex!  Once we went 5 months.....I told him after that that I WOULD not go through that again.   We have been seeing a councelor for 2 1/2 years, he's had all the testosterone and medical testing necessary to rule out those things for the low libido.  He was started on mild antidepressants, which seemed to have helped as we have gone from 2-3 months to once a month! Yippee!

We have between us; 7 children, my three and his four.  The eldest 3 are out of the house and his 16 and 10 year old live at their moms ; while my 16 and 11 year old are with us.  So yes, there are alot of things going on.  But they are life issues that should be dealt with, and if we need help there is always the councelor.....I have had to look long and hard at the situation.  At one point; I had worked up several theories.   #1 . Maybe  he has been so emotionally damaged from previous disasterous relationships that he is incapable of having a non-dysfunctional relationship with me; and therefore; is incapable of being my husband.   #2. He has known all along that he didn't want a physical relationship, but didn't know how to explain it to me other than the usual "I don't know why I don't want to, if I knew that I'd change it" excuse; and  is incapable of being my husband. (He's my best friend and roommate) or even uglier # 3. He's been less than honest about his sexual orientation; and that renders him incapable of being my husband.

For anyone who has wondered about #3; I would recommend Bonnie Kaye, M.ed., Is he Straight? and Gay husbands/Straight Wives.    Those books are a real eye opener.  I have brought it up in counceling ; which of course horrified him.  But he realizes how serious this situation is and decided that he really doesn't need to know "why" it's happening, that he just has to change it.

Over the last 6 months he has really done an about face and is trying to change, since he knows it isn't just a whim on my part but an intergral part of who I am.  I refuse to be neutered, I will not "accept it or just live with it".  Sex between Man and Wife should be an extension of the love you feel for each other, and to withhold it from one or the other when a person KNOWS how important it is for the well being of the other is purely wrong.

I would say Take heart!  People who truely want to can change, even though at this point the love making isn't as spontaneous but rather seems like something put on the "to do " list , like doing the laundry; but that isn't a bad thing.  ;)  my husband really does love me and wants for us to be able to have a good marriage. 

My 19 year old daughter made a friend at work; and they are now dating.   She first told me that he was Puerta Rican after they had been dating for about a month.  I told her that I really can't object much about the interacial dating since my first husband was 1/4 Cherokee, and 1/4 Choctaw therefore making my children bi-racial.  Where we live no one thinks much about it.  And they have never had any negative racial bigotry to deal with.  But my daughter and I had our first run in with this Christmas at my 2nd husbands family gathering when she brought her boyfriend (with grandma's permission since it was her house).  of all the people who could have responded negatively ; due to the generational thing, I would have never guessed it would be my step children who behaved badly!!!!  Fortunately; they were polite while my daughters' boyfriend was present, but after they left the oldest kids started with the remarks...... I was so disappointed and angry with them that I told my husband what was said, kissed my inlaws goodbye and thanked them for the dinner and gifts and loaded my kids in the car and went home.  He was as surprised as anyone because his kids are biracial with a grandfather who was Mexican.  Neither his kids nor mine identify with those cultures, and more than likely consider themselves white.  Yet; WHAT THE ****??? 

I just cannot fathom this and am very angry with these kids, they are 16, 18, and 19.   My husband did say that he would make sure it never happened again (in my hearing), because he feels no matter what is said it won't change their hearts and minds.    I am caucasian, with European ancestors, and due to great geneology programs have trace both sides of my family to the origination points.   Yet I can not understand in this day and age why people are so ignorant and hateful.

I will not tolerate it as this young man may end up being my son-in-law at somepoint and my grandchildren will not be subjected to family members b.s.   I couldn't care less what total strangers say or do, but to have this in ones own family is a pretty ugly turn of events.

Girl, I know you think life sucks, but it will get better.  Do you KNOW how many kids at your school that have some of the same issues that you have?  I am betting there are many.  When I was in school I knew 3 people who pulled out their hair; 2 cutters and about 1/2 dozen with eating disorders.  Ten with drug and alcohol problems and while I don't remember anyone on depression meds, there were some that should have been.

The ones who think you are a "freak"?  Don't worry about them, it wouldn't matter if you didn't have anything going on at all, they'd still find something to pick on.  It's just the way they see the world.

There are the others who are tooo worried someone will find out their "freakish" secrets so they keep their mouths shut and their heads down while those run their mouths about other people.

As for your sister; You can be angry with her.  She did something wrong that hurt you.   But eventually, for you, not for her necessarily; you need to forgive her.  AND it's entirely possible she is having some sort of problems that she may need counceling for; revealing hurtful things about ones family after having it explained to her why she shouldn't ; is a seriously aggressive and angry thing to do.

Also...tell your mother what she did so that your Mom can get to the bottom of this behavior.  Your sister is damaging herself when she destroys her relationships with her family.

It hurts, my own brother told everyone on the playground (after we'd had an argument) that I still sucked my thumb( I was in 4th grade).   WOW!  I thought my life was over.   Guess what?   I actually laugh about it now. *he could really be a jerk sometimes though*

I forgave my brother and love him lots now that we're grown up.

Have you talked to your school councelor about what happened,?  You'd be surprised at how helpful they can be in these situations!  Good luck, and quick healing.

When a friend betrays you, the personal pain eventually becomes bearable, but if that betrayal ends up hurting your family members(because of YOUR relationship with the betrayer) WOW!!! You just have no idea how deeply furious you are with that person.  Just gut level antipathy, and nothing really makes it better.  

A woman I believed to be my best friend ended up undermining my authority with my oldest daughter(after my "friend" and I had a falling out over her daughter and mine's behavior).  I had a vehicle that my daughter was allowed to drive to school and the rule was she had to ask if someone could ride in the car, and she had to be where she was supposed to be when she took the car.  Consistantly when my friends' daughter and mine were together they were breaking the rules.  My friend's daughter stole from me, once a expensive pair of costume contact lenses, and on more than one occassion CD's.  Finally; after a dozen incidents I'd had enough and banned her from my house and car.  Well of course that didn't sit well.  She began a Machivellian campaign with my daughter to let her know what a "Tyranical B****" I was.  Long story short; she spent the better part of 6 months prior to my daughter turning 18 , giving her cigarettes and saying I was ridiculous for not letting her smoke (later found out she was also telling her that smoking weed was no big deal either)`, when my daughter turned 18 she basically "ran away " to go live with this woman and her daughter.  Because golly, they are so much more fun.

I said "OK, but you leave the car keys and the cell phone."

And let her go.

My daughter spent several years in a totally dysfuntional environment where my ex=friend was arrested for possession, terrorised by her abusive husband and where her daughter got pregnant at 16 and dropped out of school.  The end of that was when my ex-friend's daughter cheated with my daughter's boyfriend and betrayed their friendship. 

My daughter finally moved out of that woman's house.  We are rebuilding our relationship slowly because of many many things that happened while she was under this womans influence.

But I really wish death and dysmemberment and all types of plague on the person I knew to be my friend.  Basically, I wish upon her the same consideration she bestowed upon me and my family.

I haven't spoken to her since all of this, I doubt that I would ever do so.  So I basically I understand her anger.

OK, if I am reading you correctly, all the documents proving who was working on the project were destroyed by your "friend"(I will take issue with that woman being any type of friend to you later)?  If that is the case, what proof does your boss have (outside of his "remembering") that you actually DID work on the account????  If you had nothing to do with it, your name would not be on any of the papers, right?  If your name IS on the papers that are connected to this deal gone south, there are two conclusions that can be drawn.  #1.  You did work on the deal, and have incredible memory problems.   #2.  SOMEONE forged the papers with your name on them.

I would suggest that you approach your boss first and state to him that you did NOT work on that particular project and you would like to see the papers or anything that proves that you did; simply because you don't believe that you should be maligned professionally if you were not at fault.  I'm not saying try to prove that your "friend" did anything.  Just that you did not.

Secondly;  this woman is NOT your friend.   She is an ambitious ladder climber and has no qualms about throwing you into the wolf-pit and climbing out of the pit over your bones.  Stop with the scratchy hair shirt and move on.  You learned a terrible lesson about trusting the wrong people, and maybe you can use this experience to be able to recognize when someone is truely a friend and not a "fiend".  I am pretty certain that a confrontation with this woman will not go well for you since she seems to have a pathological ability to lie and twist things to suit herself.   Leave her alone.  Don't socialize with her.  You may eventually be able to forgive her but MORE importantly you need to forgive yourself(because I'm hearing that you blame yourself to somedegree that she had the ability to hurt you)  YOU did nothing wrong!

At anyrate, in case you are being held responsible legally for this fiasco at your job, you ought to consult an attorney as well.