Messages By: mac2372

I CONGRATULATE ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE HAD SUCCESSFUL STEPPARENTING EXPERIENCES.  MYSELF, I HAVE TO SAY, HAVE HAD VERY MIXED EXPERIENCES WITH STEPCHILDREN.  WE ARE A YOURS, MINE, AND OURS FAMILY.  OUT OF MY TWO STEP SONS I HAVE A TIGHT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH MY ELDEST STEPSON.  HE HAS WORKED AS HARD AT A RELATIONSHIP AS I HAVE.  MY YOUNGER STEPSON WHO IS YOUNGER THAN THE OTHER BY EIGHTEEN MONTHS CANNOT SAY THE SAME THING.  BOTH BOYS ARE PRESENTLY 19 AND 17 1/2.  THEY BOTH HAVE ADD AND DEPRESSSION AND ANXIETY.  I HAVE TRIED COUNSELING, READING BOOKS, TRYING TO CONNECT WITH THEIR MOTHER WHO IS VERYBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AS WELL AS EVERYONE ELSE.  HOWEVER, THIS CHILD HATES MY GUTS.  HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN CONFRONTATIONAL AND ABUSIVE.  HE HAS BEEN A BULLY TO BOTH HIS OLDER BROTHER AS WELL AS MY YOUNGER SON.  HE IS YOUNGER BY 7 YEARS.  YOU CANNOT MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T WANT ONE.  NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.  YES BITTERNESS, RESENTMENT, AND HATE DO ARISE FREQUENTLY.  THATS A SAD FACT OF LIFE.  I REALIZE THAT FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN ADULTS MUST MAKE AND REACH DIFFERENT STANDARDS.  AS FAR AS MY YOUNGER STEPSON IS CONCERNED THOUGH HE WANTS NOTHING FROM ME.  HATES ME.  THINKS I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON AND AN UNFIT PARENT.  THAT I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO RAISE ANYBODYS CHILDREN.  ALL BECAUSE HE IS BEING FORCED TO LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS.  HE HAS BEEN ARRESTED TWICE.  ONCE FOR NARCOTIC USE AT SCHOOL.  ONCE FOR SELLING CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES AT SCHOOL AND CARRYING A WEAPON.  HES BEEN EXPELLED BECAUSE OF THOSE INSTANCES AND SENT TO ALTERNATIVE SCHOOLS.  HE WAS PICKED UP BY THE POLICE FOR HIT AND RUN AND DRIVING WITHOUT  A LICENSE.  HE HAS ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES AND THE FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN WAS WHEN HE GOT MAD AT HIS OLDER BROTHER AND FOR THE SECOND TIME IN SIX MONTHS BEAT DENTS ALL OVER HIS CAR.  THIS AFTER ASSAULTING HIM IN MY KITCHEN AND KNOCKING APPLIANCES AND PAPERWORK EVERYWHERE. 

STEPPARENTING ISN'T EASY.  IT IS JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THOUGH.  ALWAYS EVOLVING.  IT ISN'T SOMETHING THAT ANY ONE INDIVIDUAL HAS CONTROL OF.  IT REQUIRES THAT ALL PARENTS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE COMMON GOOD OF THE CHILD.  SOMETIMES THOUGH OVERCOMING PAST DAMAGE DONE BY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS IS IMPOSSIBLE.  ESPECIALLY IF THOSE PARENTS AREN'T WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OF THEIR KIDS BUT CHOOSE TO DUMP THEM OFF AND EXPECT THE STEPPARENT TO RAISE THEM WITHOUT ANY SUPPORT.  INSTEAD OF BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL OF STEP PARENTS PEOPLE SHOULD MORE OFTEN LOOK TO THE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS AND EXPECT MORE OF THEM.  WITHOUT THE INPUT AND ASSISTANCE OF THE PARENTS THE STEP PARENT MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THEIR HANDS TIED. 

I SAY THIS KNOWING THAT MY SON ALSO HAS A STEP MOTHER AND HALF SIBLINGS.  I EFFECTIVELY COPARENT WITH MY SONS OTHER SET OF PARENTS.  WE ARE ALL ONE FAMILY.  WE JUST HAPPEN TO LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT HOUSES AND IN TWO DIFFERENT STATES.  IT CAN BE DONE.  WE JUST MUST HOLD PARENTS TO A HIGHER STANDARD AND STOP EXPECTING STEPPARENTS TO TREAT CHILDREN THAT AREN'T THEIRS LIKE THEY ARE.  AS A STEPMOTHER I DO THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I HAVE.  I TREAT THEM AS EQUALLY AS POSSIBLE, AGE APPROPRIATELY.  I HATE FEELING JUDGED BY SOCIETY AND INLAWS BECAUSE THINGS ARE SO OVERWHELMING AND PROBLEMATIC.  AT SOME POINT SURELY SOMEONE HAS TO LOOK AT THINGS AND SEE THAT 17 IS OLD ENOUGH TO CONTROL THEIR OWN BEHAVIOR AND MAKE APPROPRIATE CHOICES.  AND ALSO TO LOOK TO THE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS TO SEE WHY THE KID IS BEING SO JERKY.  DON'T ALWAYS BLAME THE STEP  PARENT.

I FEEL SAD FOR YOU.  YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY HAD A VERY NARROW EXPERIENCE OF LIFE.  I AM A STEP MOTHER AND AM PUTTING A STEPSON THROUGH COLLEGE.  IF IT WERE NOT FOR ME THIS BRIGHT BOY WOULD HAVE GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL WITH A CERTIFICATE OF ATTENDANCE INSTEAD OF A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA DUE TO LEARNING DISABILITIES.  HE IS  NOW A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE IN HIS SECOND QUARTER OF COLLEGE.  MY STEPSONS MATERIAL EXISTENCE HAS ALSO IMPROVED.  THEY WENT FROM WEARING KMART CLOTHES TO WEARING NAME BRAND CLOTHING AND SHOES.  WHICH USUALLY END UP DESTROYED AND TRASHED AND ARE RARELY EVER APPARECIATED OR GIVEN THANKS FOR.  I DO WITHOUT SO THAT ALL THE KIDS ARE GIVEN WHAT THEY NEED.   EYE EXAMS, DENTAL APPOINTMENTS, DR VISITS AND CAUGHT UP ON ALL VACCINES.  MY SON HAS A STEPMOTHER WHO IS WONDERFUL ALSO.  ITS UNFORTUNATE THAT YOU HAVE HAD AN AWFUL EXPEREINCE WITH SOMEONE. 

IT ISN'T OKAY TO BECOME PHYSICAL OR AGGRESISIVE WITH YOUR TEEN.  HOWEVER SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY HERSELF.  YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD NEVER EVER GET IN HER FACE OR SCREAM.  BUT YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO TREAT YOUR SPOUSE WITH DISRESPECT EITHER.  HONESTLY HAVING BEEN IN A SIMILAR SITUATION THE PROBLEM GENERALLY LIES WITH THE BIOLOGICAL PARENT AND NOT THE STEP PARENT.  AS THE PARENT YOU MUST SET THE TONE.  YOU DECIDE WHAT BEHAVIOR IS TOLERATED BY BOTH SPOUSE AND CHILD.  THEREFORE YOU MUST DECIDED WHAT BEHAVIOR IS EXPEECTED BY BOTH.  SIT THEM DOWN SEPERATELY AND TOGETHER AND LAY DOWN THE LAW.  BUT IF YOU AREN'T WILLING TO UNSPOIL YOUR CHILD AND TEACH HER ABOUT RESPECTING OTHER ADULTS THERE WILL CONTINUE TO BE PROBLEMS.  ALSO IF YOUR SPOUSE IS UNABLE TO BE MATURE ENOUGH TO IGNORE A SPOILED TEEN WITH AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM THERE ISN'T MUCH HOPE THERE EITHER.

my dad died in 1999.  this left my brother and i to sort out his lifes possessions.  he had not much of anything other than junk, an apartment full of it and some cds totaling up to around 60k.  my grandpa paid for the funeral with my daddys whole life policy totalling ten k.  i paid ofr the headstone out of his money in his checking account and also took care of all the funeral arrangements and closing up his apartment, utilities, deposits, and getting rid of his belongings.  it was incredibly difficult.  after the funeral service we sat in the basement of our church and i told my little brother that he ended up putting up with most of my dads issues as a teen therefore if he wanted he could have the entire monetary amount left behind.  all with no complaint from me.  i genuinely meant that.  i told him only that i thought that a watch should go to my daddys best friend.  otherwise what he thought should go i would agree with.  my only concern was for our relationship.  i told him i loved him and that meant more to me than anything.  money included.  we are all that is left of our past and our parents marriage.  only we know where we have come from.  he was shocked by this.  but according to his girlfriend at the time he was very moved.  needless to say our relationship has progressed forward.  we ended up splitting his monies.  there was a settlement that came around sometime after he died.  like three years.  my little brother had half the check sent to me.  he didn't have to do that.  i never would have known.  i love my brother.  he loves me.  our daddy loved us both.  he loved my babies.  we are a family.  neither of us are willing to let money come between that.  our relationship cannot be replaced by cash or objects.  death and dying brings out the best and the worst in all of us.  i recommnd that everyone take time out.  step away from the emotion and greed.  remember that in the end cash disappears.  i still have half of mine in investments but still...family is forever.  my grandma is sickly and is progressivly dying faster each day.  i don't look forward to the day when the Lord calls her home.  thins will not be nearly as uncomplicated when she dies.  many people will come unglued and things will be ugly.  its unfortunate.  because i know that without a doubt things can be done without destroying a family.  my little brother and i are perfect examples of that.  always remember thae love you share with your family.  think about the other person and what the might be feeling. 

I FIND IT INTERESTING THAT EVERYONE FEELS SORRY FOR THE MOTHER IN LAW.  SHE IS NO ANGEL.  I MYSELF AM A DAUGHTER IN LAW TO A WOMAN WHO PRETTY MUCH IGNORES MY EXISTANCE.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW---OVER THAT OF HER OWN DAUGHTER.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER GRANDCHILDREN.  OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE POINT FINGERS AND MAKE ASSUMPTIONS THAT IT IS THE BRIDES JOB TO MAKE NICE WITH THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM........HOWEVER, IT WOULD SEEM THAT IT IS JUST AS MUCH THE MOTHERS RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE NICE WITH THE BRIDE.  AS FOR THE SON.  MAYBE HE SEES THE PICTURE FOR WHAT IT IS.  MAYBE HE IS SIDING WITH HIS BRIDE TO BE BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW HIS MOTHER IS AND BEHAVED IN THE PAST.  AS FOR MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF WE SPEND VERY LITTLE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.  USUALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS ONLY.  THEN FOR AS SHORT A TIME AS WE MUST.  WE BOTH GET LITTLE ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT.  THERES ALOT OF COMPETITION BETWEEN THE OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW AND MY HUSBANDS SISTER.  SO TAKE A LOOK AT THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM AND CUT SOME SLACK TO THE YOUNG BRIDE.

i have two stepsons and two biological sons.  i am close to one stepson and the other hates my guts.  my advice to you would be open with the stepson.  discuss your concerns with him.  i'm not suggesting you talk down about his mother or her choices.  just that you discuss your concerns about sex.  discuss your concerns about the negative influence that these pornographic items would have on your younger children.  tell him that you respect him enough and trust him enough to know that he will protect his younger siblings by not allowing them access to those items.  as for condoms, i don't believe them to be a bad thing.  discuss sex with him.  discuss relationships and sexually transmitted disease.  get his opions and ideas on the subjects.  go from there.  this will make your relationship with him that much stronger.  this is a great bonding expereince for you both.

try to work out some one on one time with you and the stepdaughter.  do something you know she likes.  make it a regular part of the visits at your home.  also carve out some special one on one time for her and her dad.  this is very important to her.  things are difficult for children in divorce situations.  they really don't understand all the emotions they go through and often need help processing.  i suggest therapy also.  not just for her but for you all as a family.  definitely though you need to have a one on one heart to heart with your spouse.  he has to put out or get out.  otherwise things will go from bad to worse as she grows up.  it will be difficult for him to do i'm certain as i have children and step children myself.  but he wouldn't allow his kids to play with electricity while standing in a puddle.  discuss with him what you are feeling keeping in mind that this is his child.  think about how he must be feeling.  and make sure he knows you love him and that given time an dthe right circumstances you will love her too.

i think it is fantastic that you have a loving relationship with a stepfamily.  its too often that we hear all the bad stuff.  good for you for posting.  my son has a step mother and step father.  thankfully my ex and ia are doing a fantastic job coparenting our eleven year old.  i love my sons other mother.  she does a great job with him as well as her two bio children.  i think j has benefited from this arrangement in many ways.  i hope that when he is older he has the ability to look back on his situation and see it in such a wonderful light.