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Messages By: juliebgg

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October 21, 2005, 12:13 pm CDT

Sympathize with you!!

Quote From: sonshine

 Two years ago I was fired from my job because someone said I did something I did not do. I was called to the office and told I was on probation while an investigation is being done. After three days what started out as one single untruth became 15 untruths . I have let this incident consume me and control me. I have never been fired before and the accusations about me are totally against my nature. The people who did the complaining are protected by a privacy act. However my future in getting a job does not allow a privacy act to where my record is hidden. I have not been able to talk about it without crying. At every interview I tell the story and cry.
After watching the show I realize that the accusers (as false as the accusations may be) are controling me and the person I once was. I am no longer going to spend my life defending myself and trying to prove to everyone that what was said was false. I know who I am and what I did and didn't do. I need to move on and let the people who hurt me be responsible for their own words. I am not responsible for what they did. I am responsible for how I respond . I do not want to be bound up to them. I want to be free.
As I read the messages today my heart is saddened because so many are like me and look at what the hurtful acts have done to your lives! Please join me in taking back your life. Don't waste another minute on that person/persons. Rise above them. Don't let the situations control your life another minute.
I sympathize with you because I was once in a similar situation. Only I knew who was lying and making up stories about me.  It was my assistant.  But my boss WANTED to believe her instead of me,  and as hard as I worked there was nothing I could do to make things better.  I could have stood on my head and danced at the same time and it would not have helped.  The best thing to do when trapped (and I do mean trapped!) in a situation like that is to bail out.  Sound like running away?   Maybe it does but I'd rather call it being courageous enough to know when a situation is hopeless (I knew it was hopeless when my attempts to show my boss I was a great worker fell on deaf ears), and getting out before it wreaks havoc on my self-esteem (which it had started to do.)  I moved on to another job and guess what?  The reviews I got in the new job and the ones I got prior to working with that loser boss and assistant sounded very similar to each other whereas the one from the loser boss was something out of the twilight zone. I didn't even recognize the person that she was reviewing! Please don't cry at interviews, and don't waste another second on those people. They aren't worth your time and energy.  When I moved on, I remember walking through the hallway at my new job and thinking about how WONDERFUL it was not to have to walk on eggshells or be defensive.  You deserve no less than that.
 
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October 22, 2005, 7:08 pm CDT

I know how you feel!!!

Quote From: sonshine

 I was so encouraged to hear that you made it . I must do the same. Walk in and hold my head up. I need to be glad that I am not working there anymore. If the truth was known, it is not my loss but theirs. I do not mean that in an arogant manner. I was a hard worker and they could count on me to come to work when they were in a bind and needed someone to work. I worked over when asked and gave it my best shot. There is so much in your letter tthat just makes me want to go for another interview today. Thank You so much.

Hi again!! 

Yes, I got through it, and so can you!! I know it seems impossible to get past in the beginning but you CAN do it.  I know what you are feeling.  How can such good work be unappreciated?   How can they not want me when I gave that job everything? I felt those same things.  Sometimes no matter how hard we work or how good a worker we are, there is just someone there that takes a disliking to us.  Fair?? No, of course not, but it does happen.  Thankfully it has only happened to me that once. I probably worked harder than I ever did before at that job.  But it didn't matter.  My supervisor (with the help of my eager-to-please butt-kissing assistant) looked for things she could twist around and misinterpret so she could form a paper trail to oust me. I ended up leaving before that actually happened. Which was a good thing. It was a hopeless situation, and like I said before, sometimes we have to know when to throw in the towel.  It is not the same as chickening out...I did give it my very best effort.  But we need to know when we are in a situation that can't be changed and bail out before it totally kills our self-esteem.     

  

You SHOULD go for another job interview.  Please don't let you former boss's opinion of you become your opinion of yourself.  That happened to me in the beginning but eventually I told myself that it was a bunch of crap; that the way she saw me was not the real me at all.   My next supervisor thought I was great and so does the one at my current job.  So who am I going to believe?  When you go for your next interview, no crying allowed! (LOL)  Don't even tell them the story about what happened at your last job on an interview.  (They may look at it like you are a complainer, and you don't want to have that happen) Look to the future instead.  Show enthusiasm for the new job.  Let them know your skills.  Be positive!! Kick that old boss to the curb and leave her there.  That is the past now and her time of having power over you is OVER!!!!!!  By the way, I did eventually tell my next supervisor a little about what happened to me....this was atleast a year into my next job, and after getting to know my new supervisor very well......and she looked at me and said "Their loss, OUR GAIN!!!" How good that felt!  Good luck to you!  J 

 
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October 24, 2005, 4:43 am CDT

Good for you!!!!!

Quote From: peaceofluv

I am an extremely shy person, so it usually takes me a while to warm up to people, and at one time, I had no back bone, and allowed people to walk all over me. I was tired of being passive, and being taken advantage of, and now I am a lot more comfortable standind up for myself, and stating my opinion. I can relate to the people that were on the show today, and I'm glad that they're taking the first step towards fixing this problem. I wish everyone the best of luck, who suffers from this...

I too was a very shy person.  I was walked over many times as a kid, as well as by family and on the job as an adult.  I found it was a very gradual process learning to speak up for myself.  Writing helped me get in touch with alot of my feelings.  Then I started feeling comfortable doing things like returning junky merchandise, sending back cold food at a restaurant etc.  These of course are situations where you are not worried about repercussions in a personal relationship.  I became more comfortable saying "no" to things I didn't have time to do (ie. the typical example of always being the mother asked to do the baking while 24 others never are!)  I had to put my foot down with friends too....one friend always has an excuse not to take her turn to hostess a get-together that we do on a rotating basis. She would call a few days before complaining about how much she has to do, or somewhere she has to go...never mind that I am also very busy and never make excuses when it is my turn!!! I used to fall for her excuses and offer to do it instead, now I hold my ground!!!  The hardest is standing up to family members.  While I am better at this now, I still sometimes have a hard time with it.  But I've come this far and will keep working on it! 

  

To you, I say "Good for you!!"  Sounds like you've come a long way in your journey and I wish you continued good luck!!! 

 
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October 24, 2005, 5:03 am CDT

Hi Terry

Quote From: pookerella

I can relate SO MUCH with this woman. She is ME. 

  

I cannot believe myself! I am a strong person......really!  If you met me you'd think I was confident, strong, determined, and stood by my convictions..... 

  

But when I am challenged, I get scared and fold like a piece of paper. I let bullies walk all over me, I let fear take me over. I have no confidence in my convictions, I always think I'm wrong, no matter how much I know about something, I avoid arguing by running away ... literally.... I have an EXTREME FEAR of facing people and having confrontations (to the point of a panic attack during the ordeal....not a good thing!), and I cry so I seem even MORE ike a wimp!  

  

For example, I have a co-worker, 20 years my junior who bullies me daily. I get afraid no one will back me up if I stand up to him, and then he reciprocates by doing passive/aggressive things to me and giving me a cold shoulder, more things I am afraid of. My next door neighbor repaved his sidewalk and was going 6" into our property line and I was too much of a chicken to face him. 

  

I get so afraid that during a confrontation my mind goes blank. I let what others say overpower me during the fight, even sometimes to the point of allowing them to make me believe that I am the wrong one. Sometimes, I just am too tired emotionally to go through with it and just give up. I don't like fighting. But I never learned how to fight/argue with someone and not make it into a big thing, get emotional and fall apart. Who wants to fight with a crying person?! I cry from frustration, though, not to "manipulate," which is the what most people think. I get that lump in my throat and I just want to burst. Inevitably, I do. 

  

And then there are the times that I DO stand up for myself, but I get so afraid that I overcompensate and sound mean. So no one really knows the real me. They see a wimp who sometimes is really mean. This has been a problem I have had all my life. I cry as I write this. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I have tried therapy in the past, but this particular problem, though mentioned, gets overlooked, which is a feeling I have during arguments, as well. I just don't know what to do anymore.  

  

I was on Paxil for about 4 months due to depression, and that kind of knocks all emotionality out of you while you're on it. I was actually able to function in these situations better, but it also made me aggressive. Didn't cry at all during that time. I don't think that's the answer; I think that behavior modification would be better, but I don't know where to begin. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you guys to death or take up any more time. Just some guidance on what to do would help. Thanks, Terry 

As I said in a post to someone else on this topic:  I learned to stand up for myself by first doing it with people that I don't have a personal relationship with....then you don't worry about perceived consequences with someone you know on a personal level.  Start by standing up in business type situations.  Return that dress that doesn't fit the way you want it to.  Call up customer service about something you weren't satisfied with.  Then start saying "NO" to requests you don't have time to do. A simple "sorry I can't bake cupcakes this year; I have too much going on right now" will do. 

  

I know the feeling of freezing up when confronted with a situation.  And feeling like your heart is going to pound right out of your chest! Then you leave and wonder why you didn't say anything.  Remember, you can always go back to that co-worker or family member later (and when you are calmer) and say "I've been thinking about what happened this morning and this is how I feel about it...............................State your position calmly.  So you do get that second chance.  If it is the rude person who cut you off on the supermarket line, Just make up your mind that if it happens again you will politely say "Excuse me but I was here first" and start walking up to the cashier immediately. Some things that are minor, I just let go. It's just not worth it to feed into everything that happens, like a stranger that was rude. 

  

Good luck and let me know how you are doing.  Julie B 

 
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October 24, 2005, 11:51 am CDT

Hi Terry Part Two!!

Quote From: pookerella

I can relate SO MUCH with this woman. She is ME. 

  

I cannot believe myself! I am a strong person......really!  If you met me you'd think I was confident, strong, determined, and stood by my convictions..... 

  

But when I am challenged, I get scared and fold like a piece of paper. I let bullies walk all over me, I let fear take me over. I have no confidence in my convictions, I always think I'm wrong, no matter how much I know about something, I avoid arguing by running away ... literally.... I have an EXTREME FEAR of facing people and having confrontations (to the point of a panic attack during the ordeal....not a good thing!), and I cry so I seem even MORE ike a wimp!  

  

For example, I have a co-worker, 20 years my junior who bullies me daily. I get afraid no one will back me up if I stand up to him, and then he reciprocates by doing passive/aggressive things to me and giving me a cold shoulder, more things I am afraid of. My next door neighbor repaved his sidewalk and was going 6" into our property line and I was too much of a chicken to face him. 

  

I get so afraid that during a confrontation my mind goes blank. I let what others say overpower me during the fight, even sometimes to the point of allowing them to make me believe that I am the wrong one. Sometimes, I just am too tired emotionally to go through with it and just give up. I don't like fighting. But I never learned how to fight/argue with someone and not make it into a big thing, get emotional and fall apart. Who wants to fight with a crying person?! I cry from frustration, though, not to "manipulate," which is the what most people think. I get that lump in my throat and I just want to burst. Inevitably, I do. 

  

And then there are the times that I DO stand up for myself, but I get so afraid that I overcompensate and sound mean. So no one really knows the real me. They see a wimp who sometimes is really mean. This has been a problem I have had all my life. I cry as I write this. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I have tried therapy in the past, but this particular problem, though mentioned, gets overlooked, which is a feeling I have during arguments, as well. I just don't know what to do anymore.  

  

I was on Paxil for about 4 months due to depression, and that kind of knocks all emotionality out of you while you're on it. I was actually able to function in these situations better, but it also made me aggressive. Didn't cry at all during that time. I don't think that's the answer; I think that behavior modification would be better, but I don't know where to begin. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you guys to death or take up any more time. Just some guidance on what to do would help. Thanks, Terry 

Hi again Terry.  I re-read your passage and had some more thoughts.  First, don't think of every situation where you and another person disagree as a "fight".  That in itself makes it so much more scary.  Think of it as having a problem that needs to be resolved.  Believe me, most of my "confrontations" are not fights, but discussions and sharing of ideas.  If a person is too hot-headed to listen to you, you can calmly say that you see that they are very upset and you would like to continue the discussion only after they calm down.  If someone is disrespectful, let them know that you don't like to be spoken to that way.  It would help to have a few phrases handy for these situations (ie.  "I know you're angry but it is not okay for you to speak to me like that, call me that name..."whatever. Disagreements don't have to, and really shouldn't be,  screaming matches. 

  

Don't allow people to make you think that you are always wrong.  Look at it instead that you both see things differently and how can resolve it in a way that makes both of you comfortable.  Inevitably you both will probably have to do some compromising.  Now there are probably some things that are so important to you that Dr. Phil would call them "Deal-breakers".  I would put into this category any kind of physical or emotional abuse.  You will have to hold strong your ground on these things.  This is the time when you do not budge an inch! 

  

Your co-worker sounds manipulative.   The "cold-shoulder" treatment can be ignored. If there are worse things happening you may need to document things and go to a supervisor. Is this person at all approachable...if so maybe you could try talking to him at a calm time and try to frame it like you would like to improve the working relationship you have. My gut feeling from what you wrote is that he is not the approachable type, but only you could know that. I do like to try to work things out directly with a co-worker before going to a supervisor. 

  

By the way, I find it almost humorous about the sidewalk.  Look at it that YOU now have 6 new inches of sidewalk...it is still Your property, and how nice of him to re-pave it for you (LOL!!!!) 

 
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October 26, 2005, 4:48 am CDT

Good Morning, bthere

Quote From: bthere

Saw the show, and read the message board over the weekend. 

  

To Sam from previous posting: 

Since you were so specific and signed your name - 90% certainty I know who you are and who you're referring to.  And if I can figure it out - others might too. You've called attention to the victim rather than calling attention to some of the sadistic-? perpetrators of the harassment at the university where your husband worked (or works). Unfortunately, you may have just started the viscious gossip cycle all over again for the victim.  

  

Rather than joining in, hopefully you or your husband did something to confront the weak, insecure and pathetic people who harassed and tortured, and even assaulted, this poor girl.  

  

To Dr. Phil: 

As a person who worked closely with lawyers, I'm surprised and wonder why you didn't even mention the legal aspect in this show. Some correct terms to describe the actions toward others: libel, slander, hatred, harassment, assault, discrimination, degradation, abuse, mental torture. 

  

Regarding the woman who was said to be a man. THere weren't any consequences mentioned. If she suffered detrimentally, actions and words against this woman were because of her appearance. Isn't that equivalent to sexism or racism, discrimination of some sort?  

  

The advice given is basically to sit there and take it. Or try to ignore it. Would you advise an African-American woman to sit there and take it when a person pushed her around, or made her sit in the back seat of a bus just because of her dark appearance. (Situation may not be exactly the same, but is similar enough. And just today Rosa Parks passed away.)  That doesn't seem too empowering. Yet you say this season is about empowering women. 

  

Oftentimes the advice given on the show is helpful, and I realize that you include a disclaimer, however I must say I disagree with your frequently mentioned statement that "you teach people how to treat you." In personal situations, I've downright asked people to treat me with respect (of course after I've already treated them respectfully). It doesn't work - you can't force people. To exaggerate a point, I'd LIKE to be treated like a princess - isn't gonna happen.  

  

  

Good morning bthere.  Just read your post.  My interpretation of the "you teach people how to treat you"  concept is that by your behavior and actions (more so than verbal requests) you teach people how to treat you.  For example, if a kid whines repeatedly for something and the parent eventually gives in, the child has learned he can get what he wants from this person by being persistent with the whining.  If someone behaves like a doormat, he teaches people to treat him like a doormat. But you can change how people treat you by re-teaching them.  For example if you've always given in to people's demands that you don things for them, you can start saying "no" and after a few repetitions, they have been re-taught that this person is not going to cave in all the time and do their bidding. Just my take on that "teach people how to treat you" philosophy. 

  

BTW, I too would love to be treated like a princess!! So I guess I'll have to start acting like one (LOL!!!!!).  Seriously, I'll settle for being treated respectfully, which can be taught by first showing others that you respect yourself.  (That, in my mind,  is a more powerful statement than asking people to be respectful) Have a great day!! 

Julie 

 
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October 26, 2005, 3:04 pm CDT

Hi Again, bthere!!

Quote From: bthere

To Julie (of previous posting): 

Thought about what you wrote and your interpretation of the "treat with respect" saying.  

In addressing the comment you brought up; I do respect myself (usually- not always, as typical with most people).   And I respect others (again- usually). I am very confident in my abilities, used to be satisfied in my relationships (family, friends, romantic) until situations, including rumors, ruined these.  

  

Because I'm very good at evaluating and accomplishing things - others often come to me (or take my work as their own - but that's another topic). However, the expectation, and one sign of respect from another's point of view, is that I be compensated appropriately.  So, if or when I'm not compensated appropriately (and that's not just monetarily, but other ways as well), I ask to be. And I don't just whine about it, but point out facts and logical reasons.  In certain situations when I've spoken up, I've been, at a minimum ignored or stonewalled; at a maximum, warned or threatened (wish I was just kidding here). There's only so much 'teaching' that can be done. Many people just do not listen or do not change or they think that their needs or wants are above everyone else's.   

  

  

Hi again from Julie!!!  I hear what you are saying, and I also agree that there are alot of people running around with a sense of entitlement so big that they totally disregard others.  I try to avoid these people if I can.  Of course that isn't always possible!  Sounds to me like since you do have alot of skills and competence, that other people may be envious of you.  To use another Dr. Phil expression, they me be "levelling" or trying to bring you down to their level since they don't know how to raise themselves up.   Sorry you had to go through rumors, threats etc.  That must have been really hard for you.  Nevertheless, hold your head up and keep doing great things!
 
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October 27, 2005, 4:48 am CDT

Unbalanced

I don't find it "cute" at all that a couple calls eachother nasty names, nor do I feel it is healthy for the relationship.  They have to be unbalanced to do this.  Since the husband started this, I've got to believe that he was called names as a kid, and that he never resolved it. And for the wife to take it, and then join in, she's got to be nuts.  To do this around children is just plain sick.  That kid is going to grow up with a very warped perspective of how to navigate the real world.
 
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October 27, 2005, 4:51 am CDT

AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: prophet

How could anyone think that calling your wife a dirty whore is ok. These relationships do not last. People build up resentment and end up leaving. People will try to top each put down with one that is harsher than the last. Would you talk to your mother this way or God. I know Crist would not have called Mary a dirty whore. You shouldn't even talk to your worst enemy this way let alone your family and friends. Dr. Phil, you are right about alot of things but this time you are just plain wrong. There is no getting out of this other than admitting you are wrong. Dont even think about explaining this one away. There is something wrong with this husband and wife to like calling and like to be called these crazy names. Its called low self esteem. I would never let anyone talk to me that way no matter who they are. On this one Dr. Phil you are plain wrong!
Agree with you!  As a matter of fact, I just posted something on here saying how sick I think this name-calling couple is! (Usually agree with Dr. Phil, but Dr. Phil was off the bell curve on this one!)
 
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November 2, 2005, 12:33 pm CST

Spoiled 18 year old

Quote From: sashacat

I have the exact problem with my daughter, who will soon be 18.  She's an only child and we don't have much family that we can count on except us.  (My husband, daughter and me).  We too have spoiled our daughter, buying her most everything she wants.  We have always been able to give her everything.  Her father has always told her "your only job is school".  She has done well, not exceptional but  very well.  I worry all the time that she will always have to depend on someone, either us as her parents or find someone rich.  I have preached to her that we will not always be there to support her.  She has to learn the value of a dollar, earn her own money, and make it on her own.  She has no concept of what it takes to do this.  I just don't know if or when she will ever learn this.  Any suggestions? 

Yes, I do have a suggestion!  Tell her that the gravy train is pulling into the station.  Then do it and make sure she gets off!!   

Learn the word "no".   

Tel her to "GET A JOB!!!!" 

Simple stuff.  It amazes me how many parents can't figure this out. 

  

 

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