Messages By: juliebgg

I can relate SO MUCH with this woman. She is ME. 

I cannot believe myself! I am a strong person......really!  If you met me you'd think I was confident, strong, determined, and stood by my convictions..... 

But when I am challenged, I get scared and fold like a piece of paper. I let bullies walk all over me, I let fear take me over. I have no confidence in my convictions, I always think I'm wrong, no matter how much I know about something, I avoid arguing by running away ... literally.... I have an EXTREME FEAR of facing people and having confrontations (to the point of a panic attack during the ordeal....not a good thing!), and I cry so I seem even MORE ike a wimp!  

For example, I have a co-worker, 20 years my junior who bullies me daily. I get afraid no one will back me up if I stand up to him, and then he reciprocates by doing passive/aggressive things to me and giving me a cold shoulder, more things I am afraid of. My next door neighbor repaved his sidewalk and was going 6" into our property line and I was too much of a chicken to face him. 

I get so afraid that during a confrontation my mind goes blank. I let what others say overpower me during the fight, even sometimes to the point of allowing them to make me believe that I am the wrong one. Sometimes, I just am too tired emotionally to go through with it and just give up. I don't like fighting. But I never learned how to fight/argue with someone and not make it into a big thing, get emotional and fall apart. Who wants to fight with a crying person?! I cry from frustration, though, not to "manipulate," which is the what most people think. I get that lump in my throat and I just want to burst. Inevitably, I do. 

And then there are the times that I DO stand up for myself, but I get so afraid that I overcompensate and sound mean. So no one really knows the real me. They see a wimp who sometimes is really mean. This has been a problem I have had all my life. I cry as I write this. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I have tried therapy in the past, but this particular problem, though mentioned, gets overlooked, which is a feeling I have during arguments, as well. I just don't know what to do anymore.  

I was on Paxil for about 4 months due to depression, and that kind of knocks all emotionality out of you while you're on it. I was actually able to function in these situations better, but it also made me aggressive. Didn't cry at all during that time. I don't think that's the answer; I think that behavior modification would be better, but I don't know where to begin. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you guys to death or take up any more time. Just some guidance on what to do would help. Thanks, Terry 

I can relate SO MUCH with this woman. She is ME. 

I cannot believe myself! I am a strong person......really!  If you met me you'd think I was confident, strong, determined, and stood by my convictions..... 

But when I am challenged, I get scared and fold like a piece of paper. I let bullies walk all over me, I let fear take me over. I have no confidence in my convictions, I always think I'm wrong, no matter how much I know about something, I avoid arguing by running away ... literally.... I have an EXTREME FEAR of facing people and having confrontations (to the point of a panic attack during the ordeal....not a good thing!), and I cry so I seem even MORE ike a wimp!  

For example, I have a co-worker, 20 years my junior who bullies me daily. I get afraid no one will back me up if I stand up to him, and then he reciprocates by doing passive/aggressive things to me and giving me a cold shoulder, more things I am afraid of. My next door neighbor repaved his sidewalk and was going 6" into our property line and I was too much of a chicken to face him. 

I get so afraid that during a confrontation my mind goes blank. I let what others say overpower me during the fight, even sometimes to the point of allowing them to make me believe that I am the wrong one. Sometimes, I just am too tired emotionally to go through with it and just give up. I don't like fighting. But I never learned how to fight/argue with someone and not make it into a big thing, get emotional and fall apart. Who wants to fight with a crying person?! I cry from frustration, though, not to "manipulate," which is the what most people think. I get that lump in my throat and I just want to burst. Inevitably, I do. 

And then there are the times that I DO stand up for myself, but I get so afraid that I overcompensate and sound mean. So no one really knows the real me. They see a wimp who sometimes is really mean. This has been a problem I have had all my life. I cry as I write this. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I have tried therapy in the past, but this particular problem, though mentioned, gets overlooked, which is a feeling I have during arguments, as well. I just don't know what to do anymore.  

I was on Paxil for about 4 months due to depression, and that kind of knocks all emotionality out of you while you're on it. I was actually able to function in these situations better, but it also made me aggressive. Didn't cry at all during that time. I don't think that's the answer; I think that behavior modification would be better, but I don't know where to begin. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you guys to death or take up any more time. Just some guidance on what to do would help. Thanks, Terry 

Saw the show, and read the message board over the weekend. 

To Sam from previous posting: 

Since you were so specific and signed your name - 90% certainty I know who you are and who you're referring to.  And if I can figure it out - others might too. You've called attention to the victim rather than calling attention to some of the sadistic-? perpetrators of the harassment at the university where your husband worked (or works). Unfortunately, you may have just started the viscious gossip cycle all over again for the victim.  

Rather than joining in, hopefully you or your husband did something to confront the weak, insecure and pathetic people who harassed and tortured, and even assaulted, this poor girl.  

To Dr. Phil: 

As a person who worked closely with lawyers, I'm surprised and wonder why you didn't even mention the legal aspect in this show. Some correct terms to describe the actions toward others: libel, slander, hatred, harassment, assault, discrimination, degradation, abuse, mental torture. 

Regarding the woman who was said to be a man. THere weren't any consequences mentioned. If she suffered detrimentally, actions and words against this woman were because of her appearance. Isn't that equivalent to sexism or racism, discrimination of some sort?  

The advice given is basically to sit there and take it. Or try to ignore it. Would you advise an African-American woman to sit there and take it when a person pushed her around, or made her sit in the back seat of a bus just because of her dark appearance. (Situation may not be exactly the same, but is similar enough. And just today Rosa Parks passed away.)  That doesn't seem too empowering. Yet you say this season is about empowering women. 

Oftentimes the advice given on the show is helpful, and I realize that you include a disclaimer, however I must say I disagree with your frequently mentioned statement that "you teach people how to treat you." In personal situations, I've downright asked people to treat me with respect (of course after I've already treated them respectfully). It doesn't work - you can't force people. To exaggerate a point, I'd LIKE to be treated like a princess - isn't gonna happen.  

To Julie (of previous posting): 

Thought about what you wrote and your interpretation of the "treat with respect" saying.  

In addressing the comment you brought up; I do respect myself (usually- not always, as typical with most people).   And I respect others (again- usually). I am very confident in my abilities, used to be satisfied in my relationships (family, friends, romantic) until situations, including rumors, ruined these.  

Because I'm very good at evaluating and accomplishing things - others often come to me (or take my work as their own - but that's another topic). However, the expectation, and one sign of respect from another's point of view, is that I be compensated appropriately.  So, if or when I'm not compensated appropriately (and that's not just monetarily, but other ways as well), I ask to be. And I don't just whine about it, but point out facts and logical reasons.  In certain situations when I've spoken up, I've been, at a minimum ignored or stonewalled; at a maximum, warned or threatened (wish I was just kidding here). There's only so much 'teaching' that can be done. Many people just do not listen or do not change or they think that their needs or wants are above everyone else's.   

I have the exact problem with my daughter, who will soon be 18.  She's an only child and we don't have much family that we can count on except us.  (My husband, daughter and me).  We too have spoiled our daughter, buying her most everything she wants.  We have always been able to give her everything.  Her father has always told her "your only job is school".  She has done well, not exceptional but  very well.  I worry all the time that she will always have to depend on someone, either us as her parents or find someone rich.  I have preached to her that we will not always be there to support her.  She has to learn the value of a dollar, earn her own money, and make it on her own.  She has no concept of what it takes to do this.  I just don't know if or when she will ever learn this.  Any suggestions?