Messages By: juliebgg

Were you never picked on?  

Oh yes! I was a middle child in a large working class family.  I always had to wear hand-me-downs and I had siblings in the 2 grades immediately ahead of me, so the fact that I was wearing their old clothes was very apparent. I had to work babysitting and cleaning yards to buy a second hand bicycle that was not "cool" at all and caused some teasing.  But it worked fine and I was as fast as the wind on it. 

I don't think I was scarred or damaged by that teasing.  I learned at a very young age that the people who did that were people I didn't want to socialize with and I learned that my friends didn't give a rat's patoot about my clothes or bike because they liked ME.  I can still feel that little sun of pride and love glowing in my chest when I recall my best friends defending me.  I hope my children get an opportunity to feel that! 

My children are much better off financially than I was (we don't even have a second daughter or son to hand things down to).  I am certain that they are not teased because of material wealth issues.  In spite of having nice clothes and things,  my daughter was ostracized for a while a few years back.  I don't really know the reason, but she came home crying a few times.   

I understand the feelings that parents get. The momma bear in me was in pain for her.  I hated it.   I even talked to my husband about hosting a big ski trip for her class (we really are wealthy) and leaving the bullies out. That would have made me feel soooo much better. Luckily, my husband is much smarter than me and he asked me what lesson that would teach our daughter.  That she needs to buy friends? That ostracizing someone (the bullies) is ok? 

We let her know we loved her and would listen to anything she wanted to talk about.  We offered to talk to the teacher. But she handled it on her own and is one of the most popular children again. In fact the nastiest bully girl from grade 5 is now one of her friends.   

Do you have any kids?  If so, is your income above $500,000 a year?  This is what I am talking about.  We have an only child and can afford to give her everything.  She figured this out when she was quite young.  What  is amazing to me is that most parents out there give their kids everything they want and can't even afford it!!!  So how do we, all of a sudden after 18 years just say "NO, GET A JOB" when all these other parents are doing the same thing and can barely afford their house payments.  We are not the parents of Paris Hilton, but we definitely have a higher than average income.  My husband and I both work and our daughter will graduate this year (2006).  She is however a very good student, cheerleader, involved in many school activities, and has managed to stay out of trouble, unlike many of her peers.  Spoiled, you bet!  How do you not give them everything when (1) you can afford it and (2) they are good kids, stay out of trouble, keep their grades at 4.0 and that's with advanced placement  and honors classes.  We don't give her everything she wants.  We do say  "NO" to plenty.  The problem is as with many kids her age, is that they don't know the value of money, how hard it is to live on your own, pay your own bills, insurance, taxes, etc.  I think this was the whole reason for the show on 10/31, "Spoiled and Entitiled".  I want  advice on how to teach her that just because we have money, that doesn't mean she's entitled to it, that she needs to earn it and not depend on anyone.  She will go away next year to college, and yes, the "gravytrain" will probably continue as long as she does well.  There is no doubt in my mind that  she will do well.  But again, the problem is still there.  Just saying "no" at this point  is not the answer.  These kids (all of  them) need to be taught how to grow up and make their own way.  Now do you have any answers to this? 

You are supposed to be the grown up.  Surely, you don't just do everything the neighbours do? Just because you can afford to spoil your children and leave them incapable of being responsible adults, doesn't mean you should.  You have left things very late and your daughter will likely suffer with the wake up call, but you owe it to her. 

How do you not give them everything when (1) you can afford it and (2) they are good kids, stay out of trouble, keep their grades at 4.0 and that's with advanced placement  and honors classes.  We don't give her everything she wants. 

I'm a lawyer and my husband is a psychiatrist. Our joint income could easily be well over 500K but it isn't, because we choose to both work a very managable caseload.  We are still in the top 1% of family incomes, I'm sure.  My children are both wonderful, bright, well liked and successful. They also know the value of work and the value of money. 

We spend our time with each other and our kids. We decided when they were very young what we wanted them to learn and have been teaching them those things progressivly and thoughtfully. Unfortunately, your child will need a crash course and NOW is the time, while she is still under your roof and you can make sure she is safe.  

You need to tell her that she must budget and live on the allowance you give her.  If she wants to live more extravagantly, she needs to work. You supply her with food and housing. Give her a weekly amount that you think is appropriate for her clothing, entertainment, toiletries and activities.  She can spend it in her own discretion. NEVER lend her money and NEVER bail her out.   

I do this with my children (although very gradually-my 7 year old son just has to budget for gifts for others and his entertainment) and they are already grown up beyond making stupid mistakes and not thinking ahead. It can be difficult and you will want to "help" her but you would be doing that for you not your child. 

Preparing your children for life is your job.  You should take it seriously. 

I wasn't trying to be hard on the mom, just giving her a wake up call.  The is no pill or book you can hand an undisciplined, spoiled kid at 18 to fix them.  The remedy is very hard and I am sure it IS much harder when you start at 18 than it is if your start from the beginning.  And I know what she is talking about-when you really love your child it is darn hard to say no and force them to learn discipline. It is especially hard when it is artificial in the sense of having enough wealth to not need to discipline a child.  I think parents who can honestly say "we can't afford that" have it easier.   

My daughter still whines and begs sometimes (less and less as she gets older).  She is very good at it-she could break your heart when she weedles for what she wants. I think that the reason my daughter still struggles against being disciplined is because I did give in a few times.  I learned my lesson from those few moments of weakness.  If the parent doesn't have rock hard disciple, any kid can manipulate them.  

Even if her parents can't be disciplined enough to teach her right now, the lesson will get learnt sooner or later.  When my husband and I were first married, we were students and very poor.  We spent more than we could afford.  It took 2 years of working and budgeting to pay it all back, but we did it.  We also learned our lesson. We have never had that problem since.  If I had not married a student, but someone with a good income, the lesson would have been delayed but it would have been learnt.  There is no income so high and no family fortune so great that can't be overspent.  

But once people are adults, the lesson can come with a very big price tag-like criminal charges for fraud, bankrupcy, divorce or even homelessness. That would be a huge regret.  When they are still kids they regret buying a big lego set and not being able to afford an expensive pair of jeans...no earth shattering consequences,