Messages By: juliebgg

I think the "food as comfort" is what makes it so hard to break out of the cycle.  Someone makes a comment about your appearance, then you feel bad, then you go for that Snickers bar. The Snickers bar leads to more weight gain, comments....you see what I mean.  I have used comfort eating after a bad day at work, or an argument with someone.  However it only makes me feel good for a short time.  Then guilt, and then "what's the use of trying...."  Someone a few posts back suggested key 3...cleaning up the environment ie. not having those foods in the house. I am substituting my daughter's lunch snacks with pretzels and popcorn so if I do grab one of those individual snack bags atleast it isn't chips!  

Your husband sounds like a great guy. He sees the inner person, unlike some immature men who only want tall skinny blondes with big chests. As far as rude comments go, yes, they are upsetting...I can't believe the audacity of people who say rude things about people's looks, weight etc.  I would NEVER tell another human being that they look fat, ugly or make any other mean comment to them.  Dr, Phil calls it "levelling". Trying to bring someone else down because the person making the comment feels insecure about himself. I'll bet if you look at the people insulting you, they are insecure about something...looks, family life (maybe some envy that you have a loving husband!!), getting ahead at work.  I don't have  many comebacks, but one thing you can try when someone says something rude is "what did you say? I must not have heard you correctly because it sounded like you said something rude."  That usually flusters them, even if you just ask "what did you say?" with an incredulous look on your face. Again, I would be interested in hearing what other people use for comebacks. 

Anyway, you are NOT overly sensitive and do not deserve other people's insults!!  Let me know how it is going for you. Julie 

While we cannot predict the future with 100% accuracy it sounds like you have a good foundation there.  You say you two are best friends.  To me that is one of the most important attributes for a lasting marriage. Please don't keep saying to your husband that you don't want to get boring to eachother.  That in itself will get boring. Instead, evaluate your  interests and dreams.  When the kids grow up you will have more time and resources for vacations and persuing your interests together. Keep having fun together. Support each other during difficult times and communicate. Again, there is no  guarantee, but these ideas will certainly help keep you closer. I wish you the best. 

Just read your post and I can't believe how the school handles bullying.  I teach 4-year-olds and have been doing it for 13 years.  I find it hard to believe that a teacher and principle would leave it up to a four year old to try to figure out on his own how to handle a bully.  I take name calling, mean comments, excluding kids, pushing, hitting  etc. very seriously in my classroom.  For aggressive behavior, the offending child would be separated from the other child and would need to "sit out" for awhile.  The child would be told why he is being timed out, and at the end of it we talk again about the behavior and the child is reminded of how he is expected to behave in school. For name calling, teasing, excluding etc. I will talk to both the excluder and the excludee. I try to get the excludee to see how he/she would feel if it was the other way around. Yes, it does take many repetitions at this age, but it is never too early to help children learn to regard others' feelings.  We also don't comment on others' artwork unless it is positive. Many times throughout the year we talk as a whole group about teasing, not sharing, name-calling, leaving others out. 

What really gets me  about your posti is that the adults at your sons school expected him to deal with this himself.  At FOUR????  What I do is try to TEACH kids skills  for dealing with these situations.  Like telling another child how they feel when they are called a name, learning to tell another to give the toy back he just took away etc.  Children don't automatically know these things; they need to be taught how to deal with these situations.   

I hope your child's next experience is a much better one. From the sounds of that first school it can't get much worse.  Best of luck!!!! 

First of all I really feel for you being in this situation.  I know firsthand the trials and challenges of raising a handicapped child. It is very difficult. 

I know you say your husband was the love of your life, but from what you describe he sounds like an immature boy.  When life threw a curveball (2 handicapped children) he decided to be a little boy and run away to play. How he can claim to be a dear friend to you, I don't know.  My dear friends would not bolt the minute things get rough.  That is when they stick by your side and help you through.  Also what kind of man is he if he is only providing minimal child support for handicapped kids???  Maybe you should be fighting for more.  

Don't forget too that he is also a cheat and a big liar.  He didn't even own up to the truth for a whole week after he said he is leaving, when he insisted there was no other woman.  I guess what I am trying to do here is to say you didn't lose much of a prize.  He is a little boy who can't handle responsibility or adversity.  

Please don't think of yourself as being unloveable.  You got a raw deal but you are NOT unloveable.  Keep working for that degree.  I know it is hard to go to school at the same time you are working and raising kids, but it can be done.  I went for a special ed masters while working and raising young kids; one of them handicapped. Try to get the child support payments increased. Also check your state's requirements for supplemental security income for the 2 handicapped kids.Go to support groups with other parents of handicapped kids.  This is a good way to make new friendships. Give yourself lots of credit for all you do...working, raising kids, having a big heart.  Make your internal dialogue positive, instead of saying you are unloveable.. You will project a more positive image if your internal dialog is positive. And don't believe that it is your fault.  HE is the cheat, liar, immature boy who didn't stick around when things got rough. HE is the one who should feel guilty if there is a conscience there at all to prod him on to feel the guilt he should. Hope this helps you start on a journey to feel better about yourself.  You have alot to be proud about; you just need to start believing in yourself again. Best of luck to you.  Julie 

How was your relationship with your mother and sister before the split-up? Were there any conflicts prior to this that might explain their actions? From what your mother said about what you did to drive him away suggests a flawed relationship. That  statement also reflects   a complete disregard for your feelings. I don't blame you for feeling that it is a slap in the face.  They should be supporting you, not him, through this. You are their blood.   

The one question that I think I can answer is why your ex-husband would continue to see your family.  He is probably enjoying this because he must know it bothers you.  Sounds like a real loser, especially considerring how he took no responsibility for paying the bills......using your family to get to you all but confirms his loser status. 

As far as contacting your family again, how have they acted in the past when you contacted them?  Have you ever asked them why they have no regard for your feelings? Quite frankly I think that NOT regarding your feelings on this is a deal-breaker. I might give them one more chance to explain their actions, probing deeply into why it is more important to be taking him and his girlfriend out to celebrate birthdays, and continuing a relationship with them is more important than your feelings. If they continue to be so insensitive to you then perhaps you are better off not seeing them for a long long time. 

Hi again.  I am glad my reply was helpful to you.  I do want to add a few more thoughts.  First of all, it sounds like your Dad is supportive of you. So it seems that he could be your "soft place to fall". If you have tried all those times to get through to your Mom and sister and they are still so insensitive to you, then you may be beating yourself against a brick wall.  It isn't worth it to keep calling and trying and getting upset every time when they don't respond to your feelings. As a sensitive "people pleasing" person myself I have eventually realized that certain people can't be reached, when you act upset, even when they see how hard you are crying and how hurt you are.  Sometimes you have to kick back instead.  I think you have two options now.  The crying isn' t working.  You can either cut off ties with them altogether, OR if you do talk to them again, instead of crying and talking about your hurt feelings, you can get ANGRY!!! Let them know that you've had enough of their nonsense and that you expect to be treated with respect by them. Let them know it is disgusting how they chose him over you.  Let them know that you will no longer be manipulated by them and that the deal is if they want you in their lives they are going to have to be sensitive to your needs. Let them know their behavior is a deal breaker and either it changes or you are walking out the door and slamming it shut.  And do it! 

It is hard to accept that you may not get what you want from certain people in your life. Like love and support.  As Dr. Phil sometimes says, you can give to yourself what you wish you had gotten from others.  Tell yourself you are worthy, loveable etc. Get the support from you Dad since he sounds like he can give it. Oh just had another thought....could part of the reason they are acting this way have anything to do with your relationship with your Dad?  (If so it is awfully immature of them!!) 

Good luck to you!  Julie