Dear Dr. Phil,
I deliberated for days about writing this for fear I would be judged and ridiculed. I'm still not sure I should write this, but it may help someone to understand Bettie.
I went through this identical thing...not once, not twice, but three times. It took the third time for me to 'get it', that it was about him...not them. The first sister was 17 and our 4 year old daughter was critical with kidney problems/surgery. I stayed at the hospital with her 24/7 so it was 'my fault' when I came home and caught them after a month at the hospital. The second sister was 15 when I was contacted by the children's home she was living in. I felt sorry for her and took her in, delighted at giving her her first Christmas, showing her the love she never got at home and making her part of a real 'family'. To give her some spending money, I paid her to care for my two children before and after school, and on summer break. I noticed things, but pushed them aside for fear I was judging her by our other sister. When I learned 'they' had been locking my children out of the house...I knew. When confronted, she was like Molly and he was like John. I sent her packing and later learned that she had big plans to 'replace me'. The third sister was 19 and called me while her husband was trying to beat the door down to get to her. I feared for her life, called the police in her town and wired her a plane ticket. The police got her and her baby to the airport. When I picked her up at the airport here, I gave her the low down on what would happen if she even THOUGHT about doing to me what the other two sisters had done. She cried and vowed to me she 'wasn't like that'. It wasn't even a month and I started seeing the signs so I became sneaky to 'catch them' and DID. She called her HUSBAND to come get her, claiming I was about to kill her. He came for her with a totally different story about the night I called the police. About a month after she went back to her husband, I got a call that my sister and my husband were still talking on the phone, sending letters back and forth and she had gotten packages from him. He read me some of the letters and told of the things in the packages....I knew it was my husband....he was 'courting' her! It was the straw that broke the camels back.
My husband and I were married for 27 years....he had an affair every 3 or 4 years the entire marriage. I always believed him when he made it 'my fault'. I was raised by a narcissist and married one. I truly didn't know that none of this was about me, it was about him. It took a breakdown and a lot of therapy for me to understand, and even now, it's easy for me to blame myself. I believed him when he said I should be thankful he wanted me because no one else would. When he had an affair with my best friend, I bought all his excuses. I loved this man with every fiber of my being and would take him back after months of his begging and vowing to never do it again. It took the 7th affair to put a backbone in me. But even then, he claimed they were 'just friends' so I told him, you have 60 days....it's her or me. He said he wasn't about to give up a friend, so I left the state. It took 5 and a half years to divorce him, he fought me with a criminal lawyer and in the end, I just gave up and let him have everything...including the burial plot I paid for (his was paid by the VA), the home, the business and equipment...all I got was 14,000 dollars and my freedom.
In all the years we have been divorced/getting divorced....he has only had 2 girlfriends and both were doozies! He still tries to get me back, but as each year passes, I wonder more and more, what was it that I saw in him? What made me love him so? WHY did I give him SEVEN (almost eight) chances? How many affairs did he have that I didn't know about? WHERE WERE MY BRAINS?
What I want to say here is.....I understand Bettie more than anyone can imagine. I even understand Molly!!!! When a man like John does what he does, the woman falls for it for reasons I can't explain. Don't let Molly's attitude fool you....that's an armor. She knows full well what she did to her sister and she also knows there is no way to pay for what she's done. Those women came from a dysfunctional home....look at the mother! When there is that much dysfunction in a home, we take it with us when we build our own homes. The tragedy is, it's usually the 'innocent' of us that pay the price for the actions of others. I have been told by professionals that it's amazing that I didn't end up in an institution as a child, let alone what I went through as an adult. Bettie can forgive, but she can NEVER forget, it will haunt her forever and be the flea that bites her when least expected. I read what John posted here, and wish I believed him...but it's not for me to believe. Gramps always said "a leopard never changes his spots, he just rearranges them"....and how TRUE....once a dog....always a dog!
My son tried to warn me NOT to watch this particular show....said the folks even LOOKED like my situation. But I tape the show and watched it anyway....couldn't sleep for days. I wanted to reach out to Bettie in the worst way...but there is nothing I can say to help her. She must walk her own road and make her own decisions at each fork and that's for none of us to judge. I am much happier now, but it was a LONG road and I still don't trust folks (especially men). My ex still clings to hope that one day I will take him back....NEVER! He is a very lonely man, but he dug his own ditch. One piece of advise I would give Bettie....the example you set for your children in this situation is IMPORTANT. Staying/forgiving was NOT the best thing I did for mine. My daughter is now 36 and my son is 34....neither have ever been married....both are single parents to one child. They are successful in every aspect of their lives except relationships with the opposite sex. Children don't learn from what they hear....they learn from what they see (live). I pray Bettie can find peace.
Thank you Dr. Phil, for doing this show....until now....I thought I was 'the only one'.
Sincerely, Sunny
