Messages By: stringsinger

 
Can I get your opinion on this?

There is a guy that I go to school with -- we are both in graduate school in the sciences, and we see each other quite a bit due to shared classes and around the department. He's 24 and I'm 26. I didn't really notice him at first, but last october after a bunch of friends went on a group rafting trip, I started thinking about him in a different way; after I got to know him more and his personality I've become interested in him.

He's really shy. So am I. And I sometimes trip all over myself or mumble incoherently when I'm trying to talk and nervous. But slowly, very slowly over time we've started talking more and more, and I've been getting good signs from him:

He seems genuinely happy to see me whenever we meet.
Last weekend at a friend's birthday party he showed up, made a bee line for me, and stayed with me and talking to me the whole time he was there.
He makes "we" statements like "We could play a duet together sometime"  (we both play instruments)
He remembers all of the little details of our conversations and refers back to them.
I gave him a valentine sticker (very casually) and he got all smiley and said it was really sweet.

We've never had a date before, but with valentine's day putting relationships in the front of my mind, and all the positive signs I've been getting from him, I was feeling brave today. And I looked around for events this weekend and found a play on campus that we could go to -- I thought, why not ask him.  But part of me was afraid I'd trip over my words with the extra nerves of taking that risk, and part of the problem was I couldn't seem to get him alone at all today.  I don't know why I didn't just wait and call him later. Or be more patient.--- I emailed him.  It was short and sweet, and I was trying to be pretty casual; just hey would you like to hang out this weekend, I saw this play that looks interesting (described it), and what do you think? ....

At the time, I felt good about it.  I hit send, went downtown to an art show with some friends and a big grin on my face, very proud of myself. I thought hey, he'll appreciate that I made the first big move. Or, if I've been reading him wrong, and he really isn't interested in me that way, it won't be too big of a deal. And because we're both kind of nervous, shy types, I thought I was maybe even doing him a favor by not putting him on the spot.

But now, 5 hours later, with no response yet, I'm spinning my wheels and wishing, wishing I could take it back and just ask him in person, or at least on the phone. I have  no way to know what he's thinking or even if he's read it. And what if it gets to be 6 tomorrow night and I haven't heard anything back yet? Do I call?  Or do I just give it time and see if he says anything next week?

Worse yet, now I'm all worried that it was horribly tacky to ask him out over email. I've been poking around relationship advice pages online --- one said that asking for a date over email was pathetic, that it shows you have no confidence, no class, no dating experience, and no redeeming qualities to make you worthy of dating. "If you really like someone, you have to be willing to take a chance on them — they should be worth the risk."  And that kind of sounds like good advice to me.

How badly did I just mess up? What should I do now? 

Yeah, I'm a girl. I know that's not the traditional role for a girl to ask a guy out, but I thought in recent times it wasn't always necessarily that way. I also thought if I'm the slightly more outgoing communicative one of the two, it might be my job, things having warmed up a bit. I don't know.

Anyway, he did say yes. He called me and we made plans. We went to a play, and I had a good time -- I think he did too -- there was some awkwardness at the end though. Now the ball's back in his court though so to speak. I don't want to force anything. I'm afraid now that I let him know I like him he seems nervous and unsure of himself around me though, and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. Play it cool, let him make the next move or not.

Thanks for writing back, by the way!

Hey,

You're story is sounding all too familiar to me only I was the daughter in that situation.  Have you ever been on a plane, and during the safety training where they show you how to use your seatbelt and put on the oxygen mask if it becomes necessary, they tell you to put on your own mask first before helping young children with theirs? I think that applies here to. You need to get yourself to a counselor, to a nutritionist, to whatever it takes to get yourself back on track, to make sure you aren't sinking. That is the best thing you can do for your daughter. If you try to control and micromanage your daughter's eating for her, and lecture her about her weight and her eating habits she's just going to end up with low self esteem and body hatred and not feeling like it's her own body she's living in, or that she has any ability to make her own decisions. Lead by example. Keep healthy foods around the house and try to get to a place where you can be positive about your own body image and health. Get the help you need. And it will help your daughter; I promise.