Messages By: mandy_lee

Your situation must be very hurtful emotionally and possibly harmful to your health.

My b/f and I are also experiencing problems (see prior blogs) so I am not expert, but I want to help as I see a lot of parallels. There is definitely something causing your b/f to act this way. But guessing what that could be is like searching for a needle in a hay-stack.

Clearly, you both have a communication problem. This needs to be improved if this relationship is to survive. Sounds like your b/f also has passive-aggressive behaviour like mine. (google PA behaviour to find out more). One way to deal with his behaviour is to set boundaries for yourself. Consider telling him (in a non-accusing, non-judgemental way) it's NOT acceptable to you to be treated this way and you will continue to confront him every time he does. If he still continues, you should consider ALL your options including: seeking counselling individually/together, moving out for a while, leaving the relationship etc.... (up to you what options you see available to yourself).

It is important for you to realise that you only have power to change yourself, not him. You can continue wishing he did this, or hoping he does that, but change with him can only happen if HE WILLINGLY wants to change. You could (slyly or manipulatively) make him do something for you, but I can bet you that you won't feel happy cause he didn't willingly and freely give to you from his heart. Also, it is not right to confine your partner from doing something he wants to do. e.g If he wants to fix a broken down truck - let him. You can go paint the town red!

Stop looking at him or anyone else (i.e. externally)  to make you happy. The key is YOU. What do YOU want from this relationship? Why are YOU allowing him to treat you this way? What can YOU do to improve your situation? How can YOU make YOURSELF happy? (the latter is what I myself am struggling with.) It seems you heavily depend your b/f to make you happy. The problem with this is, when something goes horribly wrong with him/your relationship (like it is now), it's like your whole world comes crashing down, right? And for him, can you imagine the burden he might feel in being responsible for making you happy all the time? In a healthy relationship, it shouldn't be this way. Hence, we need to take responsibility for our own happiness.

Look after your own personal development - research this, read books, search the internet, go for counselling etc....

Without a doubt, you deserve to be treated better and you have a right to feel hurt/angry/confused etc.... But remember, he is not responsible for your happiness and you do not have to power to change him. Just ask yourself - what makes you happy over and over? Respect yourself, build up your self-esteem, find your inner strength and let your inner-beauty shine through! Once you become a more self-assured person, you will be a more positive and more attractive person to be around and perhaps your relationship will improve. Furthermore, you will then be able to see clearer if this is the relationship for you.

I have been experiencing really bad heart pains the last couple of months over the problems I feel I'm having with my b/f. Although he may not be totally happy in our relationship, I don't think he's suffering like me, and I doublt he takes our problems to be as serious as I do. Maybe I'm worrying too much over nothing?

I feel a loss of intimacy and happiness sometimes. I don't know why I'm sad or anxious about our relationship. The last several months I have felt him pulling away. We don't really talk or discuss many intimate things, and intimacy is something I really need - even in a relationship with just a friend. He has real problems with sharing. Ww have seen a relationship counsellor who thinks we are compatible, but just told us to focus more on the positive side of things rather than the negative. The counsellor suggested my b/f try and move out of his comfort-zone and and I stop nagging him about doing things. Since seeing the counsellor, I have seen my b/f improve in his relationship with me.

Prior to seeing the relationship counsellor, my b/f bought me an engagement ring - at my request - which gives me even more heartache cause i'm not sure if he's ready to get married, and not sure if he's giving it from his heart. He's been telling me for over a year that we'd be married soon but it just hasn't happened and our relationship is spiriling downwards. He's not a highly mature individual either cause he depends so much on his parents to help him. I didn't ask for the engagement ring to trap him. I asked because he kept fluctuating between wanting to stay and wanting to leave the relationship. I needed proof that he is committed. If he wasn't willing to buy it, I was going to walk away that day. This is because my b/f was confused about us, and his mixed signals behaviour made me sad and confused to. Hence, I made him get me an engagement ring so he would "think" before impulsively acting. Since he got me the ring, he has become a little more steady when relating to me.

But it is not stopping the heartache. I have been thinking about leaving the relationship (not because I want to) but because I believe it is hurting my health. I see some good in the relationship and think it "could" work, but I also see the problems and it brings me down. I told the counsellor I wanted to leave but he said I was being rash and tried to assure me that my b/f is committed to this relationship. Commitment is not enough for me. I want to be happy and I want my b/f to have me as his highest priority - not his parents or his career.

Should I leave? If not, why am I not happy? why am I feeling so much pain all the time?

I believe all relationships have their ups and downs, but if it's causing physical health damage, is there any point going on? I know I need to take care of me. I know I need to make myself happy rather than rely on someone else. Sometimes I feel I have become dependent on him to make me happy - it has never been this case before in any relationship I've had. I know I need to snap out of this and find my own 2 feet again but maybe a clean slate would help?

well, honey, you need a partner not an extra child. and this guy isn't being a partner. and he clearly doesn't give a crap what buggs you and what doesn't. so you have a choice to make. you can allow him to continue to treat you with disrespect or you can DEMAND respect. there are ways you can do this. subtle ways. don't wash his clothes. don't cook for him. don't clean up after him. ignore HIM. and see how long it takes for him to notice. and he will notice, the first time he comes home and there's no supper for him. or he goes to get clean clothes to get ready for work, and there are none.

he needs to get the message that he's got a relationship to keep up. if you're important to him, he'll change. if you're not, he'll bolt. either way, you're happier. if he wants to be part of your life, he needs to BE part of your life. right now, he's just living with you and enjoying the perks of having a girlfriend without having to do any of the work. that needs to change if you're gonna be happy.

well, honey, you need a partner not an extra child. and this guy isn't being a partner. and he clearly doesn't give a crap what buggs you and what doesn't. so you have a choice to make. you can allow him to continue to treat you with disrespect or you can DEMAND respect. there are ways you can do this. subtle ways. don't wash his clothes. don't cook for him. don't clean up after him. ignore HIM. and see how long it takes for him to notice. and he will notice, the first time he comes home and there's no supper for him. or he goes to get clean clothes to get ready for work, and there are none.

he needs to get the message that he's got a relationship to keep up. if you're important to him, he'll change. if you're not, he'll bolt. either way, you're happier. if he wants to be part of your life, he needs to BE part of your life. right now, he's just living with you and enjoying the perks of having a girlfriend without having to do any of the work. that needs to change if you're gonna be happy.

Thanks for responding to my message!  Honestly, I have left him without dinner [last night and I also havent washed his clothes, but it always seems to blow up in my face.  He throws temper tantrums worse than my two year old and storms out of the house in to his garage.  Then I always feel bad and run down and do his laundry, or end up cooking him something to eat anyway, because I just dont like to fight.

You are so right about him changing, if I'm important he will, if not he'll leave.  I'll try to stick to my guns and not cave when he throws his fit, instead of runing down stairs and throwing a load of laundry in, I'll ignore him and not even aknowlege that hes  there. I find it hard to find the strength to defend myself against him but, I will try.

Thank you for your advice, I'll try and toughen up....

isn't that how he's been treating you? as if you don't matter except when he wants something from you? and tell him you want a partner not an extra child. because he is NOT being a partner. partners care about your feelings and answer the phone when you call.

those are his kids too. how often does he help you with them? feed them, dress them, bathe them? how many times a week does he help out? how many times in a month does he help you with his own kids? you need to think about these things. he continues to act in a childish manner because he's been allowed to get away with it.

you deserve help and respect. DEMAND IT! or demand he leave. either way, you're gonna be happier in the long run.