Messages By: peterspumpkin

That has been my point all along. Spanking isn't the problem, abuse is. If a parent cannot control their anger, they absolutely shouldn't spank. And as far as the cops thing goes, that is true as well. They do whatever it takes to get the suspect under control before he hurts himself or somebody else. That is all I do with my children. If nobody is in danger, they have other punishments. So, on that note, I have to share this letter from my 13 year old the other night. It is so cute.....

I told him to quit arguing with his brother over "Rock Band". He tried to plead his case but he was clearly in the wrong. When he walked in his room he said "whatever" to me. I turned around and said "what did you say"? He said I know, hold on and walked into his room. About 10 minutes later he came out with this note....

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry for saying whatever to you when I thought it wasn't fair. I disagreed with you, but I did it in a bad manner. I'm sorry for this event and it PROBABLY won't happen again.

Love PJ

Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever read. Kudos on his truthful, probably won't happen again. So, everyone can see, I don't always spank. He already knew what his punishment was going to be as soon as I asked him what he said. HE didn't run and hide from big bad mommy running at him with fists a flying.

"According to Physician magazine, spanking should be used selectively for clear, deliberate misbehavior, especially a child's persistent defiance of a parent. It should be used only when the child receives at least as much praise for good behavior as correction for problem behavior. Verbal correction, time out and logical consequences should be used initially, followed by spanking when noncompliance persists. Only a parent should administer a spanking, not another person. Spanking should never be administered on impulse or when a parent is out of control. Parents sometimes need a time out too. Spanking is inappropriate before 15 months of age, should be less necessary after 6 years, and rarely, if ever, used after 10 years of age."

This is my belief. This is exactly the form of spanking I'm talking about. Yes, I have spanked my children, no I don't regret it. I also ALWAYS praise them to the point that sometimes I wonder if I praise them too much. My children have very big heads! When I tell them they're beautiful or smart or anything like that, their response is uh huh or I know. It's very cute. My husband and I actually have joked about asking Dr Phil if it's possible to give your kids too much self esteem!

"Spanking may be ineffective because it does not teach an alternative behavior (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1995). In fact, children usually feel resentful, humiliated, and helpless after being spanked (Samalin & Whitney, 1995). The primary lesson they learn appears to be that they should try harder not to get caught.

http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content4/spanking.morph.html"

I can see how some children who maybe aren't in a truly loving environment. (That doesn't mean the parents don't love their kids, it means maybe they don't show it properly) might learn to hide the behavior instead of stopping the behavior, but as I've stated, my children have no problem talking to me about anything. They will initiate the conversation if they've done something wrong, they will initiate the conversation if one of their friends does something wrong. They always come to me with any questions, we have had conversations very recently at their request that involved drugs, smoking, sex, you name it. And as I stated in a previous post, my sons had the chance to disobey me the other night and not get caught. They chose to call me and tell me and have me come pick them up instead.

"For purposes of the child abuse law, parental discipline through spanking may not be justifiable if the child is bruised or otherwise injured. Thus, spanking is not illegal, but injuring a child is."

I absolutely agree with this. There is no excuse to leave a mark or injure a child. The parent that does that is OUT OF CONTROL and has no business touching a child. I've never left a mark on my children and the one time my ex did, he was no longer allowed to spank them. He didn't believe in spanking but he hauled off and spanked my daughter 1 time and that 1 time he left a pretty good red mark on her. He has never touched any of them again and if he did, there would be hell to pay.

"According to the academy [American Academy of Pediatrics], effective discipline has three key components: first, a loving, supportive relationship between parent and child; second, use of positive reinforcement when children behave well; and third, use of punishment when children misbehave"

This goes right along with my belief as well. Above all else, I make sure my children know they are loved, I support them, I use positive reinforcement on a daily basis. They only get in trouble once or twice a month and even then, it's generally not enough to warrant a spanking.

"I don't know if I'd attribute school shootings to not spanking, I think those kids have problems that spanking could never correct (more like psychoactive medication).  There are some kids who will rebel no matter what you do.  Anyway, I have some articles for and against it, thought it might be interesting."

So that we are all on the same page, I'm not only talking about spanking the children who end up out of control and shooting people. For one, I'm talking about spanking them, not beating them, and for two, I'm talking about spanking all the little bullies and crap starters at the schools that torment them every day of their lives.

Thanks for the articles, and I hope I have shed a little more light on my form of discipline. Maybe some people can understand that spanking is a whole different ballgame than abuse and it does not harm a child if that child is on stable ground from a loving home.

To all of you who are criticizing my parenting and to the one who's decided my children are demons though they never met them.....

1. I recently had a father approach me, the school recommended he come to me. His 14 year old son was planning a Columbine like attack on my childrens school. He was at his wits end with this child. This fathers form of punishment ranges anywhere from letting the child get away with murder (almost literally) to beating the hell out of the child when he can't stand it anymore. DHS was involved, the childrens school was involved. The child was suspended for a week and criminal charges were pending against him. The father did not know what to do. The entire week that the child was suspended, he spent at my home. I was given permission to do "Whatever I had to do" to get him in line. This included spanking. Now with that said, I never spanked that child. He gets beat by his dad, me spanking him was not going to do any good. I did, however make him clean my home from top to bottom. He spent the entire week doing that and homework. We also became pretty close friends while he was here. I learned alot about him and he learned alot about how my home is run. By the end of that week, he wanted to move in! I wish, then he would be away from his bully of a father! But anyway, he continued coming here after school every day for about 6 weeks. In that 6 weeks, we worked on his self esteem, which was very low. I worked closely with his father on ways to discipline him that did NOT involve hitting him and we worked on bringing his grades up. We got him into couseling for his anger problems and I am very proud to say that he is now making B's and C's instead of D's and F's. He no longer feels like the world is against him. His dad is working with DHS on his "parenting style", And he's doing very well. He's now enrolled in track after school so he's not out causing problems. We turned this childs life around.

The reason the school asked me to help him is because my children are, as they put it, the most well behaved children they have met. My children get good grades, never get into trouble, they are favorites of all their teachers. If I'm such a bad mom for my parenting methods and if my children are such demons, why, then is the school asking for my parenting advice?

I have also been called to come to a school and help a new teacher get her class under control. She was fresh out of school and though she had the knowledge to teach, she had no experience actually handling a class. I didn't spank the children, before any of you freak out, but I did use some of my other parenting methods, such as making them write sentences, making them write apology letters, placing their desks facing the person they were fighting with and making them say 10 things nice about that person, etc. The teacher was fired after that year because of the fact that her class was such chaos that they had to call a parent in to help. This was my sons class. He was the one who initiated my involvement because from the very first day of school, he wanted out of the class. He came home and told me that it was too chaotic and him staying there would be a disaster. I went in and spoke with the principal and offered to help. 2 days later I got a call and I spent several days a week in my sons class and he was happy as a clam. After a couple of days of me being there, the children acted like little angels! It takes a firm but loving hand. I feel that I have found this balance. I also feel that this is proven by the fact that I have complete strangers asking me for tips on parenting.

The only way we can really tell what method works is by waiting until our children grow up and see how they turned out. We're all learning here, none of us is an expert on it. I never was trying to say that just because somebody doesn't spank their child, that child is destined to be a disaster. I was saying as a whole, the less spanking is accepted, the worse the children seem to be getting. I also understand that with certain children, spanking is not a useful tool. I do have one child that I haven't spanked since he was very young because he has this uncanny ability to catch himself if he does something wrong and he's alot harder on himself than I could ever be on him. I tend to lean more toward discussing what he's done and what he could do differently, I never ever try to make him feel worse than he already does when he messes up and I don't feel that spanking him would do any good, he's already beating himself up over it! But I also have a very bullheaded child that no matter how many times you told him not to play with the electric socket, he was gonna do it anyway. No matter how many times you told him the oven was hot, he was determined he was going to climb in it. Spanking worked for him. Nothing else stopped him, spanking did. He's now very good. He's still extremely bullheaded but he seems to balance out well. It's not right for everybody and none of us are going to know how well we did until we see the finished product. I do believe, though, that the way they are in their preteen and teenage years is a good indication. That is the age my children are and they have turned out very well so far.

If he was cute maybe....