Messages By: desharkmom

Almost two years ago my husband had to close our family business of over 53 years.  The best job he could find required traveling up to 46 weeks a year.  Shortly after, my best friend died of cancer.  Then it was time for my daughter to start college and she had chosen one almost 2000 miles away.  Even though I already felt totally lost without my husband and my best friend, I would never have asked her to postpone her future for my comfort.  It's not that I wouldn't have liked that, people say we've been "joined at the hip" ever since I adopted her at 6 months old.  But even though I'm in an almost overwhelming state of loneliness, I know that by asking her to stay close to home (and I think I could have coerced her if I had tried), I would have known that it was the wrong thing to do as she is entitled to the life that she wants and has earned.  I can't imagine how the mom on the show could think that keeping her daughter close to her and letting her feel guilty at the thought of leaving, can possibly think she is doing the right thing.  it's time for Mom to grow up and give her daughter every opportunity to make the most of her life.    Jeanne

I feel really sorry for the people who love this woman and haven't been able to help her because she refuses to try to help herself.  Our daughter is a 20 year old college student and has a friend who is barely 21 and already deep into alcohol and drugs.  Katie, my daughter, has talked to her friend over and over again about what a dangerous game she is playing but her friend insist on going "clubbing" 4-5 times a week, frequently drives home intoxicated and has already started having blackouts.  Her parents know she has a problem but are so involoved with an autistic son that they really don't seem to have the time or energy to try to deal with their daughter.  And now that she's over 21, they feel that their hands are tied anyway since the girl thinks she is just fine.  My daughter went to the college counselor yesterday and tried to get her to intervene with her friend's parents (her GPA dropped a full point in one quarter but she said that because of confidentiality, they can't do a thing.  So, Katie is watching and waiting, knowing that a fatal accident is all too possible and there isn't a thing she can do.  Every time she mentions it to her friend, the girl tells her that she has always felt that she was destined to die young!!  Even when Katie reminds her that she could very well take an innocent family with her, the girl just laughs it off.  I feel incredibly fortunate that our daughter has always had very strong feelings about the use of drugs and alcohol and will not participate in either.  But she is having a difficult struggle watching her friend throw her life (and possibly someone else's) away with both hands.  But what else is there to do????

I feel really bad for the new blended family.  It seems like everyone wants to be in controll and no one is.  I've been happily married for over 27 years and feel like I've learned at least a few secrets.  Of course we knew each other a lot better when we started but I look at this couple and I think they really do care about each other and the kids.  I haven't been able to work for the past 20 years due to disability from MS but my husband has never made me ask him for money and has never once felt like I wasn't contributing to the family.  He has never underestimated my efforts as a stay at home mom and doesn't feel that the one making the money is the one who should dictate how every penny is spent.  He makes sure I have my own credit card, offers me cash if he thinks I need it and has never once questioned my spending.  Because of his faith in me, I would never take advantage and overspend - it would be (in my estimation) a breech of trust and disrespectful to him as he works very hard.  He doesn't think that money is power.  We both feel that love, trust and faith give both parties in a marriage all the power they need.  You just have to understand what true power is.  I don't know why April doesn't work outside the home  (I would never underestimate the job she has at home) but maybe a part time job would be fun for her and make her feel more financially independant.  As far as the constant arguments, the only thing that anger and yelling begets is more anger and yelling whether it's with an adult or a child.  I have always told my daughter that when you lose your temper, you accomplish nothing.  The person that can keep their head and act in a rational manner is the one who keeps their self respect and can eventually  manage to accomplish their goals in spite of the chaos around them.  I was surprised that one of the big arguments shown betweeen the mother and teenage daughter was right after school.  So what if the girl wants to call her mom and have a snack when she gets home?  I think all kids deserve a few minutes of down time right after school.  My daughter was always hungry when she got home and if she didn't have a snack, she couldn't get anything done and was always more argumentative.  I would give the daughter 30 minutes or maybe longer to call her mom, talk about her day and have something to eat.  It's probably especially important in this situation because she was thrown into it so suddenly  - which makes her feel like she needs her mother even more.  I know that it's a difficult situation because they are trying to establish a stable, new blended family but it's important to everyone to have at least a little controll over their own life, even a child.  And if the chores get done a half hour later, the world won't stop.  But if she abuses the compromise situation then corrective measures can be taken but not dictated by the new mom.  If this kind of stuff is the biggest problem they have, they should (as Robin says) be "doing the happy dance."  If the girl is making good grades and staying out of trouble then she's a great kid even if her attitutde isn't always what they would like.  I know - my own daughter has an short fuse and explosive temper but she doesn't drink, drug, smoke or sleep around.  She will be graduating from college, with honors, this summer so I just count my blessings and hope she outgrows some of her attitude problems.   I think family meetings (no yelling allowed) on a regular basis to work out the bugs in a very suddenly blended family might open some communication.  And the mom and dad should be sticking together.  They need to privately discuss how they plan to work with the kids and then both present the plan to the daughter, with her own father being distinctly in charge.  I hope they put all their efforts into the counseling and turn into the happy familiy that they all deserve.

I saw the mom who wanted to get her little girl into show business.  It brought back horrible memories of when my teenager decided that she wanted to be a model /actor and was lured into attending the modeling convention.  These people have a flashy website that promises fame and fortune.  They have a list of  "success stories" that looks impressive until you notice that many of the names are repeated (some up to six times) and when you realize that they have had tens of thousands of kids attend these conventions the list is more than ludicrous.  They have fast talking recruiters who will promise you dreams and deliver nightmares.  They are extremely careful about what they put in print to aviod lawsuits but verbally things are very different. The convention can cost as much as $10,000.  I saw parents who worked three jobs, took out second mortgages on their homes or borrowed money from their family and friends.  Then I saw them crying softly as they tried to figure out how to explain that they were never going to be able to pay the money back.  I saw hundreds of kids sobbing alone in the hotel lobby because their parents could not afford to go with them and they had no one to turn to during the biggest disappointment of their lives.  And I saw teenagers in tears because they had spent their college fund to attend and now wouldn't be able to finish their educational plans.  I set up a website about the convention but finally shut it down because responding to all the questions was taking up a huge amount of time.  However I am considering reposting it.  During the time it was open I got hundreds of phone calls and e-mails from parents and kids who had the same experience.  Yet it thrives on, I was contacted just a few months ago by a TV station in New York (we live in Colorado) that was doing a story on the problem. The officials refused interviews, which automatically tells you something.  Whatever you do, no matter how much your child wants to get into modeling or acting, don't get sucked into this convention.  Recruitment is usually through modeling agencies but also through direct mail or other sources.  This is extremely important and I will be glad to give details to anyone interested.

Congratulations to Nancy!  I was diagnosed with MS over 20 years ago.  Most of what i've heard over the years has been "you can't do ____, you have MS!  That includes adopting a baby after diagnosis, learning to scuba dive, becoming Colorado's only certified shark feeder, taking a trip to the Amazon and walking more than 5 miles a day.  If I didn't go on with my life, I wouldn't have MS - it would have me!  I know that I have been much more fortunate than a lot of people with the same diagnosis but I have to think that at least some of it just comes from refusing to give in.  I don't have a single day without symtoms of one kind or another, some days are much worse than others but you just have to deal with them as they come.  One day my mom introduced me to someone as "a victim of MS!"  I told her that I never wanted to hear that again - I figure that I'm only a victim if I let myself be!  Keep up the good work.     Jeanne

I grew up being afraid of practically everything - heights, dark, being alone, flying, public speaking, and (probably the biggest) water - and large toothy things that live in water.  I even failed a semester of PE in high school because I wouldn't put my face in the pool.  I was so timid that my nickname was "Mousie."  I always knew that everyone was laughing at me because I was afraid of the world and that only made me that much worse.  When I was in college, I decided that I'd had enough.  I started by forcing myself to take a speech class and then move on to speech competitions.  Flying still creeps me out but it's the only convenient way to get from one distant place to another but the worst trip was trying to steel my nerves to make a trip to Hong Kong the day after the Russians shot down Flight 007 out of Anchorage into Seoul on Korean Airlines.  We were booked on the same flight, the crew were all wearing black mourning bands.  It was too spooky for words.  But we got there.  I figured if I could get my legs to walk onto that plane that my flying fears would be over.  Of course they're not, but at least now I don't have to take Valium before I fly.  Of course I still can't get on a ladder.  I finally got over my fear of darkness and being alone after my husband started taking a night class and I nearly went crazy for the firt few weeks.  Gradually it just went away.  Now he travels as much as 46 weeks a year, so I have to be alone and I rarely even think about it any more.  Then there was the big one - water.  The first time my husband tried to take me snorkeling, I had a panic attack and had to go straight back to shore.  But he REALLY wanted to take up scuba diving as a hobby.  I figured that I at least owed it to him to try we had been through a lot together,(especially after I was diagnosed with MS) and he had always been totally supportive.  I didn't think I would ever get through the class, but somehow, bit by bit, with a very patient instructor, i got my certification.  A year later I got my divemaster card - I'm probably the only divemaster in the world who fulfilled their swimming qualification by doing 32 lengths of elemetary backstroke because I wouldn't put my face in the water without my scuba gear.  Then we got to the things with big teeth.  It's hard to find good places to scuba that aren't inhabited by sharks.  We managed nicely for a couple of years but then were in the Bahamas the night before one of my 40+ birthdays and I decided that it was time to take a "shark dive" where you sit on the ocean floor and watch a professional shark feeder.  I almost couldn't make myself get in the water but, then, I didn't want to look like an idiot either, so overboard I went.  It was awesome!  It was like watching an underwater ballet.  The sharks were only interested in what was in the bait can. They were totally nonthreatening and ignored us completely.  it was a life changing experience.  A few years later I decided that I wanted to teach classes about sharks so that other people would understand them better.  i went back to the Bahamas.  The night before the class, I started to freak.  My husband said that if I wanted, we could just spend a few days diving and go back home, no one would have to know about the class as we hadn't told anyone what we were doing.  But I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I gave up without trying.  So I spent 5 days in chainmail learning to take fish out of a bait can and hand them off to a group of 20-30 large, hungry sharks.  I did have one fracture my kneecap in her zealousness to get the fish, but they never tried to bite.  I even got to kiss one on the head - never on the lips!  I have now educated over 3000 people about these magnificent and misunderstood creatures.  

The point of all this is that, although I will always have fears, you can get over them if you just work on them little by little, the best way you can.  I really believe that people have an inner strength that they will only discover when the start pushing their limits, even if it's just a millimeter at a time.  You'll never know til you try and when you succeed, which you eventually will, your potential to enjoy life will be unlimited.  After all, if "Mousie" can do it, anybody can!  Good luck to all of you.   Jeanne  

I posted yesterday, congratulating Nancy on the way she deals with her MS and made a few comments about my own battle.  I may left the wrong impression.  I know that I'm extremely fortunate that I do as well as I do.  I do attribute some of that to attitude and behavior but I also know that most of it is just "dumb luck."  MS takes many forms and is really a different condition for everyone that has it, which makes it much harder for people to understand.  Some of the most hated words I hear from people are "but you look just fine!"  They just don't get it and never will.  MS and outwards appearances have very little to do with each other and just because you look great doesn't mean there isn't anything wrong.  I know people who have really worked at defeating their MS, have kept a positive outlook and struggled with their everyday activities.  Yet, no matter how hard they try, their bodies are destroyed.  I have a friend with MS who was a university professor.  After his diagnosis he kept working, kept up his daily running schedule and never gave up or let it get him down.  He is now in a wheelchair, totally paralyzed from his neck down.  It wasn't because he didn't try to fight,  it's just a horrible, unpredictable disease that does minimal damage to some people and wreaks total havoc with others.  He still doesn't let it get him down and with the use of electronc aides, he is writing his second textbook on economics.  I do appreciate Nancy and what she has done to raise money for reasearch, etc., but  in some ways she is doing a great disservice to those people with MS who haven't been as lucky as she has. I do think that Dr. Phil should have said that the disease does take many different forms and although Nancy is definitely to be admired for her attitude and work, she cannot be held up as a typical example of what people with MS can do if they just try.  It can make life much more difficult for others with MS when people see her and think that everyone else should be able to do the same.  It just doesn't work that way.  Good luck with educating people as to the true nature of the disease.    Jeanne

As weird as it seems, I have a good idea of what these ladies are going through.  I never thought I would have a middle-aged eating disorder until my life started falling apart.  Last year I weighed about 135# at 5'6", now I'm down to 90-95#.  I don't really have anorexia, I get really hungry but just can't seem to let myself eat.  I look in the mirror and I know I look terrible but it still doesn't make any difference.  I can't find any pants that fit, which is totally frustrating but that doesn't help either.  I think it's just because my life is spinning out of controll - my husband took a job that requires him to travel 40+ weeks a year,  my daugter moved away, my mother and mother-in-law are both dying of cancer and both live very close to me.  My best friend died of cancer and my siblings live in distant states.  My whole support system has vanished out from under me.  I also have multiple sclerosis which plagues me on a daily basis and over the last few months I've acquired a stalker who has caused multiple small problems but I've also had 2 dog poisonings, at least 4 death threats and been stabbed once.  The police department has been totally uninterested so we are thinking about leaving the city where we were both born and raised.  So, the only thing I feel that I have any controll over is my own weight.  It's amazing how something can start as "losing a few pounds" and turn into a runaway train.  i will be watching the show with great interest to see what Dr. Phil can suggest.  I really want to get my life back on track and I need some help from somewhere before this goes to far.   Jeanne

I was diagnosed with MS over 20 years ago. I understand what Katie is going through. But, even with that (mine has had its worst year ever this year), along with all the other things that have happened, this has been the worst year of my life. I'd be glad to settle for a robbery where I just lost things that can be replaced. I wish I had a friend like Dr. Phil. My Valentines day is going to stink on level's most people will never understand. At least I hope they don't.

 I've tried about a dozen different sites to find the offenders in my area.  Most of them won't open.  I can get to a map with the dots, but that isn't a lot of help.  I did find names and addresses at the TN Bureau of Investigation that gives names and addresses but no pictures.  Not much help, but not a big surprise, considering the source.  How can you identify someone if you don't know what they look like.  I have a very critical interest in fhis information.  Any other suggestions?