Messages By: michala49

I am a step parent, a very blessed step mother, and my daughter is 31 now. As you see I say my daughter. When I first married her father , her mother was alive.  I had lived with my finance for a year so I felt close to  my daughter then. We married and six months later she was killed in an auto accident. You would think that this would have made all that transpired easier , but now I was the step-mother of a child who had lost her mother and six months later I was pregnant with a child no one thought I would ever have including myself.  I lacked the experience to raise a flag, let alone a child who had lost a parent and I had failed to see how irresponsible emotionally my husband was. There were clues, I was just to in love to see.  The year before , when we got her on weekends it was I who waited on the child. I was the one to get her ready for bed. I thought it was because I was a woman and she was female. Later I found out though responsible in providing a roof over our heads and food on the table , it stopped there. He basically told me to handle it. I worked and she began a life away from all of her family, her mother was an only child , and her grandmother had been very hands on in raising her. This was like losing two mothers. Even though she and I had began a wonderful relationship before our marriage and her mother's death- she had even asked if she could call me momma, to which I told her I would be honored to be her mother but she had a mom and it would hurt her feelings very much. Later about a year later married and her mother dead,, she instantly called  me momma. The first time her grandmother heard this, she was very angry and told her I was not her mother. There are so many problems and I digress. After the funeral she went to stay with us  and all was fine for a short time. She was very active and she was loving. I tried to be there for her. I have to say that she and I didnt have a chance in the beggining with her grandmother telling her was not her mother and not to listen. They had stolen her after the funeral and we had to engage authorities to help us get her back. We had all intentions of allowing her to see my daughter. However this made this much worse as they constantly told her negative things. They thought if they irritated me enough or I could not have a relationship I would want to give her to them. I believe this as nothing else made sense. Anyway, we had to move to Ga, so I had to give up my job.  I should of seen that her father was not going to be there.Instead of being home at night with us, and helping me with her, he was out with his buddies. I did everything for her. At first he helped a little. We went to Ga and came back and I was pregnant. I do not know why but from the minute we came back, it seemed that my husband started spending less time with us , we were there only six months, and more with his friends and would come home in the evening , eat , shower and leave. I was alone and she all of a sudden started disobeying anything I asked her to do. I think at first we were very busy and new places , it must of seemed like a vacation and the fact that her mother was not with her very much might have made her miss her less or not notice ?? It is hard to explain but her grandmother kept her a lot, and I mean a lot. Her mother would barely let us see her when we were appointed to out of spite. I have no idea what trash the grandmother put in the childs head. I only recently found out the father blames my hubby in some way for her death. She hit a tree , drinking.  I am sure that the feelings between my hubby and I spilled over into her and our relationship and the fact that I was pregnant. But she changed. She would be defiant. I think they told her that I would not love her as much as I would my biological child. Her father would not discipline her. He would tell her to listen to her mother. I was very emotional as I thought I was going to lose my son. She actually kicked me in the stomach with both feet when I was seven months pregnant but I was going to spank her and I guess she said , figured heck no. I have to say, I didn't have a clue. I spanked her. She is 31 now and we still spanked then. I wish I had never . I know I was too easy to back them because she pushed and I didn't see that she was being influenced. It was years later that I got it. She was  eight almost nine when her brother was born. Things seem to get better. We started to be a family and my husband become the good time dad. He still left us a lot to go " play" and that entailed much. We had good years and some were not so good. The biggest mistake I let him make was moving us back to his home town where all of the grandparents and relatives of her mother was. These people are really shallow minded and they had no clue what that child needed. What she needed was nurturing , united parents. We would of split up had it not been for my daughter. I could not leave her and I knew he would never let me take her. Even if he had there would of been a battle by the grandparents. I took a lot , cheating and more . I had to put up with them trying to get her to go live with them constantly. We came back when she was 14. My hubby had finally started helping some. Usually it was not that great but at least he was trying. Anyway, I am  not sure where I was going but I think it is this. 

 

He is not helping you. You are not married to him.I had many many bad years. My children became my life. Were not for them, he would of been history.  Why are you letting yourself go there when you do not even know if you are going to be in his life for long. He should be disciplining his own children and I say that researve. He does'n't sound responsible enough to handle this. Had I not loved her father so much , I would of left long before. Later I loved her too much to leave.  In all the damage done by all caused us, daughter and hubby and I to be barely be on speaking terms for about 5 years. It is 26 years later. I feel like I have been to both heaven and hell.. Right now I will say to you it was all worth it. I love my daughter. I hardly mention my son because that was a given. He has always felt loved and secure, and his dad was not there for him either till he was about  five. I was his world. He was a happy child and  he loved us all. He adored his big sister and at first as would any child he irritated her at first but she and he became the best of friends and she was like another mother almost even though only nine years older , she has very maternal feelings. Stay or go. I can't imagine not have this beautiful , intelligent and witty child in my life. Was it easy. NO and I like I said, she is the glue that gave me the will to stay., that and not wanting my children to grow up in a  broken home. She is my child. We have that saying you didn 't grow under my heart but into it.  I love her as much as I do her brother. I don't think at first it was that way.  I loved her but him being a baby, I think that it was instant. I loved her before I was her step mother but  with all going on there were times that even though she was being manipulated and I didn't know, I didn't like her very much. Still I look into that beautiful face and knew she needed a constant in her life. My love was constant. Her brothers was constant and I even realize now that he was not ready to grow up( dad) but eventually he did. I am so blessed to have that child , both of those children and I meant my son in the last part.  Do you love them. You hardly know them and that is a lot to expect from boyfriend when you have not mentioned your future. What if he meets someone else. What will you do with no legal rights. He should be there as should of my husband. He should of been there to help her heal from mother's death, to help her adjust to me. Sadly he was not but we made it. My husband  loved me. It was hard for me to see. He loved him mostly. He married her at 18 and me at 25. This was six years later and he had not matured but I didn't see in time. Some days I think why did you stay and let yourself be  put through all that. Maybe being from a broken home and empathizing with her in some way. I know now when I look at her and my son and I know that I accomplished my most wanted dream and job . I was so fortunate to be a stay -home mom. I had to give up some of the things other's had though my husband was in medium income, maybe upper. He spent it all and my children were well dressed, not given all they wanted but got much. They ate well and lived in a comfortable clean home and I know their friends had more and I can't imagine needing more than they got. Both are very responsible , intelligent , beautiful and I mean their souls. They are empathetic and loving people. Everyone tells me what wonderful children I have raised. I am proud to be their mother but like I said, being a mother was my biggest dream. Is it yours. It is not easy. You cry a lot, and you don't get to have many things. IT doesn't seem you are getting anything right now. Please for their sake too, think about what they need and if you plan to stay , please STAY, but if you can't sit him down and he can't work with you and I mean on a future plan that means marriage and commitment, I think you should end this now.

 

History repeats itself. My daughter is married to a guy with a 7 year old daughter. They have been married for a year. Been together now for 5. They were childhood sweet hearts. Long story and not mine to tell but because of mother , they have temp custody and it is difficult to get if there is not good reasons to take a child from it's mother still.  She is facing all that I faced. She is stronger than I was in ways. She is more confident. She is 31 and has none of her own. She loves her. She will make a greeat mom. She is scared that she may have to give her back that they will not listen to all the allegations and sometimes no matter what the proof , they don't.  I feel for her. I try to listen and not say to much. 

 

I said for 5 years we didn't have much contact and she even stopped referring to me as her mother and she started putting up pictures of her mother . If she meant to hurt me , she did. I stayed there waiting in the wings for her to deal with whatever demons she was dealing with. I loved her the same. I took whatever she would give. Now she says that she would not of believed that we could be as close as we are. I am her  friend and mother . It happens with biological children also. They can in teen years get rules handed they do not want to have to do and they can rebel. She did and with help from her grandparents and others,, she left as I said and married this guy. Thank God that is over and all is fine now. I will be here for her. I will remind her that we didn't have perfect times and that we had times that  we didn't know if we would make it but we did. We are not quitters.  I don't know if this addressed the problem or helped. It may show you that it is a constant , not something you can just change your mind about later. Please take care of you too. You do not want to give up your life to being the " babysitter" and not even a glorifiied one at that. What will you get in return. Can you stay and love these children. Think long.  It is not all good times.  Well I am being redundant now.. God bless you. and if you are a believer there is a good place to take your problems. if you believe , God will help you even if it is to help you heal.  hugs to you.. for not leaving already..

I think he might feel some guilt at his not being with her. I think he tries to over compensate for what he doesn't give her through the year- him. There is no excuse in his belittling you and certainly not with her or in front of her. Maybe you all should get family counseling. It helps. Many times people are afraid to talk it out because they think it will get worse. Remember that even though she is 16 she is young and she has hopes and fears. She must feel as if you and daughters have her father all of the time and she has very little. You cannnot make the girls like each other but you can expect them to respect each others feelings. You and your husband should sit down and discuss this and all of your feelings on this. Then you and your husband and daughter. Find out how you all really feel. Bring it to the table. Your husband may feel that your daughter doesn't really love him. You didnt mention her father.  You and your husband should come to some decisions on how you will deal with lack of respect issues . Remember being 16? Many of them are trying to figure out who they are and they resent their own parents from trying to tell them anything because they are trying to grow up. Your husband might be afraid that at 16 he could lose her [period. Maybe you and she should do some things together. Explain to your daughter you love her very much and you are hoping this will help and not to be worried about your love for her that there is nothing that could change this.  Have your husband take the girls out one at a time and then together. Give those three time to bond. Send the girls to a movie. Let them become friends. I dont remember the age difference. We all can be quilty of guessing what another feels and we can also project what we are feeling deep inside to others. She should not of said that you looked like a hootchy mom but children think we are old. We should dress like " Mothers". My daughter said when she was 13 and I was 31 and I didnt wear short skirts but I wore shorts , that the boys that came to see her and I meant as friends had crushes on me. I told her it was nonsense. Try being her friend and not her mother. Let your husband discipline her. Had I been able my hubby would of disciplined our daughter my step daughter , but he left it to me and caused a wedge between us. However it was not one that love and consistancy could not over come. Her mother was dead and don't think I didn't have a mother to compete with even though I was not the one competing. Remember the are children but talk with hubby about a adult and responsible united front. Remind him that his love is always going to be a priority and that being a family can only make it better for all in the end. Tell her like I told my daughter , no matter how many parents she had , she could always use another friend and someone that loves her too.  Check your feelings and any resentment  you might feel. It is not a sin to feel it, it is a  sin to act wrongly on it. WE are all very human and we make mistakes. What we learn from it important.. Good luck and God bless you  :)

So , is the child still visiting the mother. I have to think by the numbers you gave the child is about 7. That is what a lot of seven year olds do. You say you have younger children that need your attention more now. Maybe she is sensing that. If she has been with you all this time and since she was two I am surprised she has a sense of her mother and father's relationship. She was the baby for a while and now you have two more. I would think this is normal child behavoir not STEP child behavoir. The only difference I see is that she may have her mother filling her mind with thoughts. Spend time with her. You and her. Have her father keep the smaller children and you two go shopping and to a movie. Spend the day doing things she would like to do. She probably thinks she is losing her " mother" YOU. She may be making a claim on the other parent because she feels this way. I was a daddy's little girl and well that is special. I  had step fathers and I loved them all. I had three. My dad used to say, " well you have a new dad now !" and I would say, " I only have one daddy, I have a step father" They did not try to be my father. My mother disciplined me. They were my friend.  It is different but you two should be talking and he should be supporting you in that he is helping with the punishment if any,  Seven year olds can be tough. It will pass. MY step daughter was  seven when she came . Her  mother died. She did the same. She needed to know she was loved. When I had a boy, she felt left out. I spent time. OH there came a time I said, you need to get over it. She was actually nine when he was born. They are closer than imaginable. I am her mother. She knows and remembers her mother, but she realizes I am the one that raised her, loved her and we are a family.  A child can love both you know. I hope you do not ever let her hear you talk about her mother in a negative way.. Children have enough to cope with. Let her love you both . At least try to say positive. If she needs info on why her mother cant be with her or they are not, let her prince tell her. Don't let him make you the heavy.  Wait till the teen years..Mother /Daughters in many cases have problems when they try to grow up and I have not seen much difference then bio and step. I think we tend to add the step and they feel it.. It is my other child.

Sorry I reread that. She was five and you said she has been with you two years. That was about the age I met my step daughter and when her mother was alive she loved me very much. It was when she died and she came to stay with me and I had a child that the problems happened. In retrospect I think I was not there for her as much as before. I think she felt left out . She had  grandparents and family of her mother constantly trying to tear us apart. I stayed the parent and she and I had what seems to be normal parent/child problems  and then in teens , we moved back to where her mothers family was and she and I had problems in teen years combatted by them trying to poison her mind. We got through it but I maintained I was the mother and I was because her mother was gone. I don't think other than that it was differen't than her mother possibly doing this since she stayed with mother's grandparents two weekends out of the month. Today she is fine. She and her brother are so close. Hang in and love her. Stop making her the step. Make her your daughter too. I don't mean don't act like she doesn't have a mother somewhere else, just be what a mother would be. Have your hubby help you. It takes a lot of time for babies , and If she was the only one for a while then I am sure she is feeling left out. Most children that act out want attention from someone.. Hang in there. One days she may be your best friend and most beloved daughter like mine is.

People think that six year olds are cute that show aggression. sign. I think that these people should help or stop.  I read more and well this child needs counceling. Do you think the mother is encouraging the child. She is six but that is ridiculous.

 

YOU know spankings used to work till freaks started beating and hurting their kids. I spanked mine. They are great adults.  That includes the step daughter. MY DAUGHTER. They both will  tell you they have great lives and they are not scarred. People tell me I raised to wonderful children and I spanked them. I did not spank  my son after 5. I spanked him 4 times. All was for something potientially dangerous that he meant to keep doing. He did a report on kids today in HS. He said.. he got his butt spanked and it didn't kill him and it would do well for some of the kids today to get them. Kids are out of control by parents who want them to love them. We are to love our children and they are not toys for us. the new laws are for the wackos, because the people I know with great children will spank them. those who are in 20-30 were and they are respectful and loving. I think it is 95 % love and 4% dicipline and 1% with spanking. If you have the first two , at about that percent most of the time you don't really need much of the 1%. Problem is we have people having babies that are really let do what they want. So they don't have to parent. The ones that abuse. It greatly depends on the child. I could talk with my son.Today he is 23 and he tells me everything. We are close. Maybe Dr Phil can have you on his show and fix it lol. I think he spanked. I don't care what he says.. I think he did.. Not sure if he denies :) He is a good one..

Go home to your children. Make a life in Texas. The Texas Back Institute is there. It is awesome. We become the common enemy because they can;'t " hate" blood.. But you do not have to put up with all of that. Don't be sorry for your marriages. Who are you apologizing to. You need to take care of you. Seems no one else is and you don't seem to need to be in a fight of any kind. Bless your heart.. Once upon a time I took that mess and well not anymore. Go , be with your children.  I am 51 now and if I was alone , I would not be looking for a man. I would be enjoying my life and my children. Maybe going on Dr Phil will help. Seems to help some. I don't watch his show much becauseI don't watchTV much but he seems right on and I like his lack of nonsense way of dealing and calling an arse and arse.. :)  It is very difficult to put all down that is transpiring but he will bring it all out..Hugs.. you need one..