Messages By: twox2mns0

Quote From: shrinkala18

I am in a similar situation to the first two sisters Jodi and Shannon in the Adult Sibling Rivalry Episode from July 7th 2008. I am the younger sister. My sister is almost 4 years older than me. She hates me. She has come out and said she wants nothing to do with me, tells me that I know why BUT I have absolutely NO CLUE. When I ask her to tell me she refuses. Our entire family can not understand her feelings or behaviors towards me. She has banned me from my niece and nephew's life and I have not seen them in over 2 years. For as long as I can remember she has always done mean things to me and said mean and hateful things about me. The only thing anyone can come up with is that she never accepted the fact that she was no longer an only child when I was born. She has also pulled her children out of our parents' life so they have no contact either. She says it is because my parents do not defend her to me. They do not know what they need to defend her for. I am recently married (19months) and even asked my sister to be in my wedding party along with my niece and nephew. She acted like they would all be in it until 6 months before the wedding when she pulled out. She didn't even tell me directly, she told my niece (7years old at the time) that she was not going to be in my wedding. We found that out because my my niece told my parents when they asked her about shopping for a flower girl dress she told them she wasn't going to go to my wedding. She was so excited to be a flower girl when she found out we were getting married. The few times we were out as a family because we made a "meet the families" party before the wedding, the kids really took to my husband when they met him. My sister did not like that. She can not share them with anyone. We all think that she is afraid that they will love someone else more than they love her. She doesn't even know my husband and when he tried to make peace for the wedding she said hateful things about me to him. She said hateful things to him about him.When my husband and I planned a surprise party for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, my sister wanted no part in the planning and did not even RSVP to our invitation. The day of the party she tried to ruin the surprise by calling my parents and telling them about the party. Thankfully they did not catch on and they were very surprised. My sister is angry at them for the party. I have tried over and over and over again in many different ways to try and reach her to resolve any issues she has with me and to talk this out, but she refuses. I have sent her emails and I have called her. I once wrote her a 14 page letter telling her my feelings and she told me she threw it in the garbage without reading it. You might be saying by now,"what did you do to her?" Well, I am saying that, too. She blocks my emails and no longer responds to my calls either. I believe that she is telling untruths to my niece and nephew about why I am not around for them and  she does not allow them to contact me.  The kids and I had such a fantastic bond and great relationship. They both loved being with me and I with them. My nephew learned my phone number when he was almost 3 and called me every morning at 7:00. He was my everyday sunshine wake-up call.  My niece would light up and come running to me everytime she saw me. If I call the kids or send cards for their birthdays my sister does not give them the cards and does not allow me to talk with them. She will then call up our parents and blast them --screaming at them that I tried to talk with the kids. I should mention that I just turned 45 and she will be 49 in August this year.
The one thing I was looking for from this episode of Dr. Phil was HIS solution to "this relationship needs a hero" when there is only one willing person in the relationship. I want to get some peace and civility back with my sister. I want to be able to see my niece and nephew, I want our parents who are in their 70's to see peace in the family. I know for sure that this hurts them very much. Maybe I am asking for a miracle  but I am looking for another way to put this family back together. I don't ever expect to be "best friends" or even friends with my sister. I would just like us to be able to be in the same room and enjoy family things together and... I would hope someday that my sister would actually tell me what I did to her to cause her to hate me so much. So if Dr. Phil reads this message board, can he please contact me to help me understand what he would advise someone to do in my situation. I did not get clarity from this episode. Thanks.

Quote From: conys20

I, too, have been raised by a woman that used alcohol to abuse.

She was a binge drinker, and would be very promiscuious and not very responsible.  I was a mistake and when I was 15, she told me" It was a shame that abortions were not retroactive"

When I was born, she was working shifts in a mental hospital, and left me with another family until I was 5. She came to take me on week-ends, sometimes, but I don't remember any of those times.

She "sobered up" when I was 8 yearsold.  today I am 51, and she is 78, and is still "sober".

But, that was not the "cure", her behavior after her sobriety date didn't change much.

She put me in the charge of her 3rd husband, whom sexually abused me for as long as he was in our home.  She gave birth to 3 more children in this marriage, a single and a pair of twins.  She divorced him and married a man that was also in the 12 step program with her, and she gave birth to another child.  He also sexually abused all the female children in their home, and physically abused the males, the youngest of whom was his own child.  I kicked him out when I was 12 y/o, but my mom still thinks he left on his own. She refuses to see what I saw.  She refuses to take responsibility for any of her actions with her children.  There were times that we children had to steal food from the grocers to have supper, one day  was the same day she came home in a nice new leather panstuit.  She said she bought it on her credit card, but had no money for food.  She married 2 more times, giving birth to another child in return for the husband supporting the rest of us.  He split with the child when she was 18 months old, and once again, we were on our own. She bought a house with her vet loan, but lost it after not being able to pay for it.  The last time she married , stuck.  She is still with this man.  When the twins were 15, she took the youngest 2 and moved to california, leaving them (the twins)  in another house she had bought.  She told them they could stay for as long as they could pay the bills, then she would have the constable move them out !  The female of the twins got pregnant, and the male wound up in alot of legal trouble that ended with sending him to join the army.

 

My mom has never accepted responsibility for her actions.  She said she did the best she could. 

My youngest brother committed suicide 3 years ago.  She refuses to talk about that at all.  My other living brother was also in a marriage that was bad, the ex-wife took everything and left one day while he was at work.  I've been married twice, both times to abusive men, and I have decided to stay single, because my "picker" is broken.  Both of my sisters have been married multiple times as well.  Most of our first marriages were to abusive people. 

My mom is the kind of person, that thinks that life is only normal if there are differences between her children, and will make things up to get us at "oddds", calling on the phone and starting trouble between us.   She refuses to talk about the past, and says "it is what it is and we must just move on".  That SOUNDS nice, but what are we to do with the damage she caused us to have ?  We all have some kind of mental disability.  Some more functional than others.  Mom says that alcoholism runs in our family.  Her Dad and Grandad, her Mom....Aunts, etc. and I guess she expected all of us to be alcoholics, too !   I am frightened of alcohol.  MY baby brother died from an overdose. My middle brother has hep. c and his liver is dysfunctional.  She is constantly telling him to take care of himself, and he is not capable of it, due to his disease.  The next to the youngest daughter, was born with epilepsy, and was treated for it all her life.  These meds cause alot of other problems with her, and because of that, Mom treats her with kid gloves.  She is the favorite.  I suspected fetal alcohol syndrome, since mom was binging when she was pregnant with her.

Mom thinks she can make thing ok with us as adults by buying us things we could not buy ourselves.  She did this so often, with the last husbands money, that now they are broke and cannot take care of themselves financially.

I don not feel sorry for her.  I do not feel close to her, she is just the person whom gave me life, and then abandoned me to do what SHE wanted to do.

She used to threaten to " trade us in on a spotted dog" , as we would be less trouble.  Many times she would "farm us out" to her friends and once to a family member.  Who knows what she was up to?  She had a few mental breakdowns and periods of being incapacitated, when we would be on our own, sometimes not knowing she had been the hospital until she showed back up at the house.  Many times a week would go by , and we had not heard from her.  If this type of parenting were to be done today, I wager that we would have ALL gone to foster care.  She would beat us with hotwheels tracks, hairbrushes,phone cords,shoes would fly in our general direction when she was mad at us.  Most of the time, we didn't know what we had done to make her mad.  Us kids took care of the house and all the chores related. We cooked all the meals, I attended to the young ones, making sure their homework was done, and they ate a good dinner.   I put everyone in bed and got them up for school.  We moved on the average of every 6-9 months.  I do not remember going a full year in any one school.  When she decided we needed to move to Texas from Florida, she hired a "driver" to operate one of the vehicles we needed to move, and she made me ride with him, because there wasn't room for me elsewhere.  The trip took the better part of a week, and he molested me the whole way.  I could not say anything.....no one would believe me.  They thought I was just having a tantrum,like I did when the other men abused me.  She never believed me, and never came to my rescue.  I have no trust in my mom as a result of this.  I have no respect for her , and may never.

I cannot imagine being inher shoes.  5 kids, single most of the time, and trying to make it.  I know that must have been hard, but she Was responsible for birthing ALL of us, and should have been more responsible with birth control.  She has stated that she regrets having most of us !

For the first time in my life, I am now in a non-abusive situation.  I live alone!  and do the best I can for myself.  I am afflicted with PTSD, Depression, and a brain that has had  false truths for so long that I do not trust ANYONE !!!   Most of my siblings have "manic depression" or a similar disposition, some do better than others with their diseases.

She has kept us kids at odds with each other, and I suspect that she knows if we got together, and compared stories, she would be on the flat end of it all !

 

I have one child, and he has three.  The wreckage of my mom's life is even affecting his, thru me, because She had no parenting tools, I got none, and could not pass any down to my son. 

I'm tired of dealing with this whole drama mama....and really can't wait till she is gone and we won't have to deal with her anymore.  She is "old and tired" and will not "re-live the past to make you feel better"

She wants us to all come to her rescue, and treat her with kid gloves.  I don't go see her, I don't call her, and recently when she was hospitilaized, I did not go see her.  She calls me, feeling sorry for herself, and I have no more patience with her.  She was never there for me, and I do not feel the desire to take care of her.

 

Maybe when she is gone, I can get what is left of my family together to heal thru this all.  We will need help, and I am certain we will find what we need.

I used to feel guilty for not wanting to have any more relationship with her.  I do not today.  I have moved past her expectations of me, and she has no power over me anymore.

I feel it is my responsibility to heal the sibs.  Showing them that it can be done, and we can get over it, and have somewhat decent lives.  And the trickle down, with our grandchildren......Most of our kids have problems mentally, some depressive, some abusive, and it all stems with our mom, and her life before us.  She refuses to take responsibility, and does not know most of her grandchildren as a result.  She does'nt want them around.

thanks for listening, but I think the damage is done, and maybe most of it irrepairable

Quote From: littlelady1

if anyone was going to cancel Christmas because of the economy.  Since retirement and my income considerably reduced, we don't do the elaborate gift-giving of the past.  Then again, I am at the point where I have a more minimalist attitude ... I don't want "things" ... I'm happy just getting together with them, laughing, sharing memories, catching up.  My children understand this, and frankly, I think they are relieved, so we're all good with this.
 

Quote From: selene7

There are many varieties of Salvia.  The plant discussed in this program is Salvia divinorum.  It's not the plant with the little blue or red flowers...  If you do a Google search for images, you can find lots of pictures of it. 

 

Whether or not you can buy it in your local nursery is a different story.  It depends on where you are... In some states, it's now illegal.  In other places, even though it's not illegal, the nurseries no longer sell it because it's beginning to get a reputation.  My local nursery owner told me he used to carry it, but no longer does.  In California, a law was recently passed to make it illegal to sell Salvia divinorum to anyone under 18.  I think that's a good way to handle it, although unfortunately the teens will still find a way to get it.  I strongly believe this substance should not be used by kids who are just out looking for a buzz.  It's NOT a recreational drug, was never meant to be, and should only be used by responsible adults.  Unfortunately, the kids are going to spoil it for all of us!

Quote From: mattbaumann777

Why is being responsible setting a bad example for kids?  And why is using drugs responsible setting a bad example for kids.  That's just as silly as saying using Percocet responsibly is setting a bad example for kids. How? Or an adult uses Salvia as part of a healing ritual or vision quest.  How is this setting a bad example for kids?  How is it a two way street?  Kids aren't setting examples for adults.  Why is using something responsibly bad?  Is it better to use it irresponsibly?