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Messages By: koolaidemom

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May 1, 2007, 1:31 pm CDT

**Michigan: Looking for a weight -loss buddies in Michigan

HI,

I live in SW Michigan.  I too am trying to lose weight.  I have lost 20 lbs since last year but I have my last 10 lbs to go and seem to be stuck on a shelf.  I would love to help you jump start your success.  I have many tips and ideas that helped me get started and keep going.  Feel free to contact me if you're interested in my help.

 

 

 
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May 2, 2007, 6:12 am CDT

Run far and fast

While I've flipped through some of the messages already posted I of course have an oppinion of my own.  First, I've kind of been there, done that.  Differences being that mine did not last that long, never married and I never at any point cheated.  That being said I can understand her fear of leaving and feeling of hopelessness.  It's not about the score card of who's done what anymore.  It is what it is and it needs to be fixed.  By fixed I mean she needs to run as far and as fast as she can from him.  When Dr. Phil offered to help her financially she should have jumped at the chance to get out with a support system behind her.  I do understand the need for not doing anything until he has some help because I believe it would have been the next domestic dispute headlines.  "Dr. Phil guest kills wife while children watch"  That's what I was picturing.  Not a very safe stable environment.  There just needs to be movement forward and I don't think that can be as husband and wife for them.  It's just very sad.
 
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May 4, 2007, 7:21 am CDT

woe is me

Wow, Lorna, Lorna, Lorna.  Stop with the woe is me attitude and get up off your back side and do something for yourself.  It's not your family's fault you're in this situation and no one should put up with abuse.  You can only be a victim for just so long before you become part of the problem.  You talked about how NO One would take care of you.  Take care of yourself.  My guess is that in your condition you don't work and get your income from disability.  If you need help get a nurse.  It is not your family's responsibility to get you out of your mess and take care of you.  Yes, they can be there to support you and encourage you but it is not their job to fix this.  It is yours and yours alone.  There are so many avenues to get started and I'm sure Dr. Phil has offered you those avenues.  Now you have to start by getting up and dropping the woe is me attitude.  Do for yourself and get rid of the boyfriend.  He's not a nurse and he obviously is not a boyfriend right now either.  Good luck.

 
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May 8, 2007, 7:31 pm CDT

working mom

I have a 2 boys 10 & 12.  I have always worked.  Granted I didn't always like what I was doing and it never has made us rich.  It has allowed us to keep our heads above water and keep our family fed.  Given my choice I'd rather be home all the time with/for my family but like I said, we are not rich and I have to work.  It has gotten easier as the kids have gotten older.  They can do more things to help around the house than when they were little.  I now work part time in an office.  At one time I did daycare in my home and worked at a store 1/2 mile from our home, I've done in home sales parties, anything to make some money to help out.  I've always made sure that even with the work that I've done my family comes first.  If my kids need me I'm there.  If they were sick it was me who took the day off because my husband makes more money than I do.  If there was a snow day and someone had to stay home, it was me.  If there was a party or field trip at school it was me that took the time off.  I did it and continue to do it because my reasoning is that I am working these odd jobs that I usually hate and am totally over qualified for because I didn't want to miss my kids lives but we still needed the income.  I would rather give up a day's pay and have to skrimp and save to spend time with my kids.  I can't get any of it back but I can go and earn another pay check.  Now that the kids are older they are busier but they also know that in order for me and my husband to have time to cart them to all practices and games and friends and where ever they must help around the house.  They do dishes, clean, do laundry, they can even cook a simple meal.  In our house I always tell them that we are all in this family and if I'm spending all my time doing the icky chores or fighting with them then we will never get to do the fun stuff.  It can be busy and insane certain times of the year but it's our insanity and we're pretty darned happy with it.
 
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May 9, 2007, 5:44 am CDT

Spanking or a pop on the butt?

I have not spanked my kids in anger before but I do believe that kids need a good pop on the butt once in awhile.  By the way a pop on the butt consists of an open handed quick pop.  Not meant to hurt, meant to get a child's attention.  Not an every day use but there are definate times a kid needs one.  Hmmm how about all those screaming kids in the store and mom and dad are handing them what ever they want to shut them up that is a good time for a quick pop on the butt.  You get your point across quite clearly and quickly.  And before you start sending me messages that I'm teaching my child to hit and that I'm hurting his self esteem don't bother.  There is a difference between smacking/spanking your kids silly and a pop on the butt.  Of course my kids are definately to old for a pop on the butt now.  They did not become agressive hitting children.  They were not hurt when popped on the butt.  More often than not their little feelings were hurt.  Which of course in turn crushed my heart but it's not always a bad thing to let their feelings get hurt.  They didn't like that feeling and didn't like mom or dad to be upset with them so they'd think twice before the next time.  This was not our only or main way of discipline so don't lecture me on that either.  We did the time out etc.  I'm just saying that there are many many kids out there that really need a pop on the butt.  Mom and dad have not taught well.

 
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May 9, 2007, 7:38 am CDT

loaded topic

Bullies seem to be every where these days.  Do you remember way back when...how were bullies handled?  The kids took care of it on the play ground.  Now a days they can't do that because we're trying to teach our kids not to fight.  Hmmmm, I agree you shouldn't fight but....There's that BUT Dr. Phil, we should be allowed to defend ourselves and teach our children to defend themselves.  Many bullies would be squashed by 6th grade and taught what their peers believe to be acceptable behavior if only the kids could handle more on their own.  My son had been bullied and picked on for 2 years by a kid.  It got to the point where other parents were coming to me and asking me if I knew what was going on and why I wasn't doing anything about it.  It was happening in school and at football and any other time this boy could get to my son.  The kid is twice the size of my son and my son is by no means a small weakling of a child.  Here's the kicker and what finally brought everything to a head...when the boys were in football the bully would only pick on him at football practice and during the games.  Because it is middle school football is considered a club activity and when I went to the principal and counselors (again) at the middle school they said that they couldn't do anything about it.  They told me I had to go to the football coaches, who by the way are just dads and aren't trained to handle behavioral problemed children.   I had been working with the school, teachers, counselors and principal at this point going on 2 years.  They had always said just have your son walk away.  If he feels he's in danger he can go to a teacher at any time.  I told them that they had asked my son to do more than most adults can handle in the 2 years of bullying.  In the last meeting with the principal and counselors at the school I told them that my husband and I had told our son that if he felt a need to physically defend himself we would stand behind him.  He would have to take whatever punishment the school felt they had to give out (0 tollerance school) and he would not be punished at home.  We did explain to him that he had options and it was going to be his choice to make when/if the time ever came.  Along with his descision to physically defend himself came adult responsibilities and we wanted him to know everything up front and feel that he had the power to set his course.  Well as I'm sure you can figure it out he physically defended himself.  One week after football was done and this kid could no longer get to him on the football field he threw my son to the ground in the hall.  My son, as he said, punched him and punched him.  The school suspended my son for 2 days and the other boy for 3 days.  My son got one day off because I had tried to work with them and it still happened.  Any way, the kid has not picked on my son since.  When we asked my son about the fight he said, "I punched him in the arm because I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to leave me alone."  There's a kid's view for you.  Sometimes adults can mess stuff up with their well meaning intentions.  Come to find out over the years that this kids has always been a bully and no one stood up to him until my son.  All the kids cheered him when I took him to his locker to get his stuff for his 2 day suspension.  It should make us all think a little.
 
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May 10, 2007, 8:10 pm CDT

Bullies

Quote From: proudnavymom

   I quit a job I loved due to the boss being a bully.  She was the supervisor and abused her supervisory powers.  Five employees complained yet the corporate office still has not done anything about the bullying.  Work place bullying is so bad and so stressful.  The lady actually caused me to get high blood pressure and be put on medicine.  So, to any of you out there that might be in a position of power, please treat your employees with respect.  Dont play high school games, and treat others like you want to be treated.  If you have a problem with a employee just talk to them about it and dont put a note on their box while they are sitting there watching you do it.  Yeah that was just one game she like to play.

 

I would love action taken against the company that is allowing this bully to stay in power but no one ever said justice is cheap. So, I get to continue to pay my monthly co-pay for my RX.

I've been there with a work place bully.  I finally quit because of her.  So many others had too.  The pleasure I get out of it is that I now have a better job and higher paying job than she does.  My standard comment always was "It's her power trip, let her have it."
 
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May 10, 2007, 8:35 pm CDT

How I cope

Stress seems to be around us all the time now.  My own personal conclusions about stress and my methods for handling stress are as follows.  I believe we create most of the stress in our lives therefore, I believe we can eliminate most of the stress in our lives.  People get themselves so overly busy, over booked, over worked etc.  That there isn't the natural unwind time in a day.  I see so many parents over booking their children in activities and then stressing on how to get them to everything and how to get homework done etc.  I don't know why they do this but my thought is that people are so afraid of not keeping up with the Jones that it becomes a vicious circle.  People are affraid that if their child is not in every sport and every after school activity and dance class and music class and whatever other class they can find that their child won't be a whole human being when they grow up and will for some reason be at a disadvantage to others.  People stress about work and they over work themselves.  My question is at what cost?  If the cost to you is acceptable then there shouldn't be any stress in it.  If it's unacceptable then you are creating your stress.  Sometimes it's better to make less money and not have the newest fanciest stuff to have a peace of mind.  People, you can't have it all.  No matter what you hear, no one can have it all.  There are only so many hours in a day.  There is a price for every choice you make.  Once you can successfully live with your choices, no guilt allowed.  The stress should reduce.  I can go on and on with examples of how we create our own stress but I won't.  It boils down to the choices and sacrifices that we make.  Honesty helps considerably in these stresses.  If I am completely honest with myself I know where my breaking point is so if possible I do not subject myself to it.  I make a much better mother and wife when I keep my stresses lower.  I just have to make good choices and be honest with myself.  Me and my family can not, nor do we want to do everything.  We are not worse off for it, just different and I believe in the end better off for admitting where our wall is.    Then there is the stress that is imposed on us by outside forces that we are not in control of.  Death, sick family, loss of job (not of our own doing), car breaks down etc.  With those stresses I take it day by day, moment by moment and trust in myselft that I am smart enough to get through it.  It will be hard and it's not something I choose to do but I am a stronge enough person to handle it.  With that thought the stress level goes down.  I can't control it but I accept it and deal with it.

Good luck to all of you out there that are overly stressed.

 
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May 14, 2007, 6:31 am CDT

good for you

Quote From: biscuits4

Last year we moved into the same neighborhood as some good friends - we have kids the same age.  Well, it is not working out like we thought it would!  I'm learning things I didn't know before we moved.

My kids are very friendly and have lots of friends - they play with all types of kids.  Last summer, our good friends kids started "excluding" my kids.  They would run when they saw my kids coming, whisper to each other while in our pool and then leave, etc among other things.  My kids have no problem with all the other kids in the neighborhood - they get along with everyone.  I stressed out about this all summer and went back and forth wondering if I should mention to my good friend about what was going on with the kids.  My good friends kids are very sneaky and couldn't be nicer when adults are around, but the minute they are on their own I don't trust them.  (Kind of like Eddie Haskel on Leave it to Beaver!!)

Well, I finally talked with my friend and told her how I felt and I didn't want to lose a friendship over it.  She was very receptive and said she was unaware of what was going on.  I didn't talk to her in an accusing way and I also acknowledged that my kids aren't perfect and that they do their share of things.  She said she thought the kids just had different interests - and I said I thought it went beyond that - that it was about the way friends should treat each other - and show each other respect.  It was a very good conversation and I thought it went well - I know I felt very "heard".  We even hugged afterwards.

..............The next night I got a phone call from her husband (?) and we went over the whole thing again.  I wanted to talk face to face, but he didn't want to.  (It seemed as if I was on speaker phone, because he kept responding to someone in the background!)  I also suggested we get the kids together and have them talk while the adults are there - this would keep the kids "honest".  He didn't want to do that either.  He said "I don't think they are old enough to sit down at a formal roundtable".  They are 10 and 11 yrs old and I was not suggesting a formal roundtable - I was merely suggesting kids being accountable for their actions.  I think 10 and 11 year old kids are quite capable of that!  He also said "I thought kids were supposed to solve their own problems...".  I said, "they are to a point, but after trying continually to solve them on their own, there comes a time when a parent needs to step in  - - and that's where we're at."  Well, he was just not sure about it and we left it where he was going to talk to his son and get back to me the next day.  It's April  - - and I still have not heard from him!!  In fact, it's as if we lost their friendship over it - which is what I was fearing would happen.  It's as if they don't want to deal with the issue.  There has been nothing said since and we don't get together anymore.  It's very sad.

They only seem to allow their kids to play with one family in the neighborhood - they forbid their kids to play with some of the families in the neighborhood.  I feel as if my family is on this "black list"now.  They don't seem to like very many people.  They are very educated people but I just don't understand their interpersonal skills.  I don't particularly agree with all the families in the neighborhood and I wouldn't choose all of them for close friends, but life brings many different types of people and I feel if you shelter your kids from them they will never learn how to deal with different types of people.

My husband and I have decided to just let it go and told our kids to distance themselves from these kids for a while and concentrate on other friendships - which is what has been happening.  After a while, I just get so tired of trying to deal with people that don't want to deal. 

Did I make a mistake in talking to my friend?  I sometimes wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut!  Do you just let your kids be treated badly  - after they have tried to solve things on their own - and not say anything to the parents??  I would hope that other parents would let me know if my kids were treating their kids badly!  Any advice would be appreciated! 

 

 

OMG, I know a family just like this.  The only difference is that they don't live in an actual neighborhood.  We went through the same problems.  We thought the parents were our good friends and as soon as we discussed a problem with the kids we felt like we were black balled by the other families in our school.  You did the right thing.  You don't want your kids hanging around kids that don't treat them nicely.  Your kids were convenient for the time being and once you stop and really think about it I'm guessing you'll feel almost used by this other family.  It will pass and it will be difficult but in the end you will be happier to be away from such high maintenance people that don't treat you and your kids well.  Hold your head up and stay strong.  I totally agree with the kids distancing themselves.
 
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May 18, 2007, 7:27 pm CDT

Holy Wah

I have to agree with Dr. Phil.  It's not like these guys were very masculine before they got married.  They haven't changed so why do their wives want to change them.  Underneath it all both couples seemed to have a fairly decent friendship basis.  Definately not the kind of man I have or would ever want but this was the women's choice.  Kind of the old saying of you make your bed now lie in it.  I also agree that you need to decide between yourselves what roles (chores) you want to partake in.  If there is a chore that neither of you really wants to do.  Hire someone if you can.  If not, suck it up like the rest of us and do something that you don't like to do and learn how to do something that you don't know how to do.  That means you guys too.  Break a nail and get dirty.  You became part of this partnership so share in the responsibilities.  Respect must happen on both sides and thank the good lord that I have a manly man.  Good luck to you all.
 

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