Quote From: the_indianYou didn't address this to me, but I think I get what you're asking. Also, just so you know, I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, ended up alcoholic myself, went through 2 rehabs and several mental units, and now have almost 16 years of sobriety.
When I was drinking, it overshadowed every single thought and action in my life. Sure, there were the obvious things (like waking up every morning and my first thought was how much supply I had left and if I needed to bring in more that day).
But there's another level where it impacts your existence, and this level is more insidious. For example, I had this nameless dread that every conversation would ultimately lead to my drinking. So I developed a habit of hijacking conversations into safe territory. It's hard to explain, but it's calling protecting one's habit. It's the one topic that can never be discussed. However, since it rules everything else, that means that every conversation one has with an addict/alcoholic is, by definition, dishonest.
And your SO is doing this same thing. When he says he'll call, he's really just inserting non-threatening garbage words into the conversation. He might really mean it when he says it; he might not. It's irrelevant either way, because his relationship with you comes second to the pull -- both psychological and physical - of alcohol.
This is what drains the other person in a relationship. It's very easy to get caught up in the "good times" or the good memories. But they're all fundamentally unsound and dishonest. As the addiction progresses, so does the dishonesty. Unfortunately, many partners or spouses get caught up in this progression, and soon start developing the same behaviors.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but when you say you plan to leave him, but still express an interest in his thought process, that tells me you haven't made your mind up. It doesn't matter why he thinks the way he does! And while I fully understand the difficulty in separating, there's one bottom line you can count on: Until he makes the choice to treat this addiction (something over which you have zero control), you too are a slave to it. And this decision on his part may come in a few months; it may come in 20 years.
That's why it's important for you to get into a support group like Al Anon and learn to separate yourself from his addiction. Whether or not this ends up as a separation from him is his choice, but you're always better off forcing the choice sooner rather than later.
THank you so much for your response. I appreciate your filling in the blanks about this. In answer to your thoughts on my leaving him - yes, I did. I think, however, for my own selfishness and perhaps thinking that his actions were because of something I was doing wrong or not doing at all, I wanted these answers - not because I am unsure. I at least somewhat understand why he would spend the night and have to leave as soon as he woke up - in a hurry always, always something to do, somewhere to go. Thank you again for being so explicit in your story.
